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. THE 

'LONBON 
SFDGET OF "WIT. 

4r 




The Negro £-F7»- Tagc 3%?. 

Truvtzd iur Walker Sc Edwards, Patei-iwsterHow. 



THE LONDON 

BUDGET OF WIT, 



OR A 



^ijousaMr J^otafiU 3tests: 

MANY OF THEM NEVER BEFORE PRINTED, AND THE 
WHOLE ARRANGED ON AN ENTIRE NEW PLAN, 

Under the following Heads: 



Women, 

Royal, 

Noble, 



Clerical, 

Legal, 

Medical, 



Military, 

N AVAL, 

Theatrical, 



Wit in Low Life. 

Bach Centuary being so divided as to exhibit an equal number of in- 
stances of members of the several professions and ranks in life to 
which they relate, being, like Falstaff, -witty in themselves ; and the 
cause of wit in others. 

TO WHICH IS ADDED, BY WAY Of APPENDIX, 

QL Selection of 3|tmg* 



BY A FRIEND TO RATIONAL MIRTH. 

' 'Rid 3 •• si sap^" .' * no )l J$ J& * " | 



LONDON: 

PRINTED FOB WALKER AND EDWABDS, 
PATERNOSTER ROW. 

1817. 









Printed by J. F. Dove, St. John's Square, 



- 



£ *> 



PREFACE. 



Courteous Reader, 

A GOOD title page ought, methinks, like a 
bill of fare at a tavern, to contain such a list 
of the articles dished up by the literary cook 
for the entertainment of the public, as may 
enable his reader at once to determine, whether 
the book contains any thing likely to suit his 
taste and palate. In this respect, the editor of 
the following pages trusts that he has not been 
deficient ; and, like mine host of the Red Lion, 
at Brentford, or any other well-accustomed house 
upon the road, he begs leave to assure his 
friends and the public in general, that the feast 
which he has prepared for their mental gratifi- 
cation, consists of viands of the choicest flavour, 
served up in such variety and abundance as to 
A 2 



IV PREFACE, 

suit every appetite, whatever may be its preten- 
sions to that exquisite gout, which can relish 
nothing but the finest strokes of wit ; — or, vora- 
cious as it may be in devouring the more sub- 
stantial provocatives to broad-grin mirth, and 
shouts and peals of merriment. Care, however, 
has been taken, that nothing should be intro- 
duced, which in proportion as it is savory to 
the taste, is destructive of the health ; or, to 
drop all tropes and figures (the syllabubs and 
whipt creams of the art of composition) nothing 
will be found in the following pages, which, 
whilst it promotes the mirth, can injure the mo- 
rals, or offend the proper delicacy of any of 
their readers, whatever may be their sex, their 
age. or the station in life which they occupy. 
It is therefore hoped, that the care with which 
it has thus been formed, combined with the ori- 
ginality of its arrangement, will give to the pre- 
sent collection a decided advantage over those 
that are now in existence. It is far from being 
the editor's wish to exalt his own production 
upon the ruin of others ; but he cannot avoid 
remarking, that out of the many selections of a 
similar kind, which have been consulted for the 



PREFACE. T 

purpose of forming that now presented to the 
public, there are comparatively few which pos- 
sess the merit of being witty without being 
either profane or grossly indecent; whilst he 
can truly say, that he has met with none that 
have any pretensions to be ample, without con- 
taining many jests twice, and even thrice re- 
peated. The latter inconvenience must indeed 
inevitably result from the entire want of arrange- 
ment that has pervaded nearly the whole of 
the selections of his predecessors ; though it is 
so completely obviated by the present plan, that 
its projector may confidently assert, that in the 
thousand bon-mots which compose this collec- 
tion, there is not a single repetition. This is 
no inconsiderable advantage, but it will perhaps 
be found to be a greater, that by this sort of 
classification now for the first time adopted, the 
reader may easily select such specimens of wit 
as may suit his own taste, humour, or pursuits, 
or as may be most adapted to the company in 
which he may be placed, or the topics of con- 
versation in which he may be engaged. 

To the members of the various professions, 
the editor scarcely need to make any apology 



tl PREFACE. 

for putting in so formidable an array the strokes 
©f wit which have from time to time been aimed 
at their habits, failings, and most besetting sins as 
a body ; or the keen retorts — the biting jibes and 
jests, which have been individually addressed to 
their most distinguished members. He might, to 
be sure, modestly drop a sort of hint, en passant, 
that he himself is a member of one of the learned 
professions, (leaving it of course to the libera- 
lity of his readers to determine in what rank in 
that profession he may move, or fag and toil ;) 
and that too, one that has borne, at least, its 
full share of the brunt of public odium, and of 
unrelenting satire. He might also add, that 
several of the bon-mots in the present collection 
were furnished by professional friends, whose 
minds soared above the foolish and childish no- 
tion, that every joke upon a tythe pig, a brazen 
face, or a killing potion, was an insult offered 
to the church, to the bar, or to the college, 
which no member of the profession so dispa- 
raged, ought to hesitate a moment in resenting 
as an insult offered to himself. He prefers, how- 
ever, resting his claim to exemption from all 
such censure, on the perfect impartiality which 



PREFACE. Vli 

he has observed in furnishing fifty instances of 
wit in members of each of the professions and 
walks of life to which the chapters of his work 
are respectively confined, to counterbalance an 
equal number of the shafts of satire which wicked 
wags have levelled against them. It was the 
great excellence of Sir Hudibras's logic, that 

" For every why he had a wherefore/' 

And if a sort of parody upon this passage in 
the history of that renowned cavalier may be 
allowed, the editor of the London Budget of Wit 
would say in defence of his collection of pro- 
fessional witticisms, that if 

u For every praise there is a censure," 

the reverse of the proposition is equally true, 

" For every censure there's a praise.'* 

And thus lauding his own impartiality, as he 
flatters himself that his readers will laud his 
discrimination in forming the present collection, 
he takes his leave for the present, by reassuming 
the character of mine host of the inn, or his 
head waiter, and assuring them, with as many 



▼lit PREFACE* 

bows and scrapes as are usual upon such occa- 
sions, that if the present entertainment should 
meet with their approbation, he hopes, at no 
very distant period, to meet them again with a 
similar repast of viands as choicely selected, and 
cooked and seasoned as entirely to their taste. 

And so he rests, 

Their's to command, 

THE EDITOR. 

London, 
February 15, 1817. 



THE LONDON 

BUBGET OF WIT, 



CHAP. L 



WOMEN. 



1. "FRANCIS I. of France, was the first monarch 
*■" who introduced ladies at his court. He said, 
in a style of true gallantry — That a drawing-room 
without ladies was like the year without the spring ; 
or rather, like the spring without flowers. 

2. At no time of life should a man give up the 
thoughts of enjoying the society of women. " In 
youth/ 7 says Lord Bacon, <e women are our mistresses, 
at a riper age our companions, in old age our nurses, 
and in all ages our friends. 7 ' 

3. Fontenelle being one day asked by a lord ia 
waiting, at Versailles, what difference there was be- 
tween a clock and a woman, instantly replied, " A 
clock serves to point out the hours, and a woman to 
make us forget them." 

Queen Elizabeth. 

4. Queen Elizabeth seeing from her window u 
gentleman musing, to whom she had not realized her 



£ WOMEN- 

promises of favour, said to him, " What does a man 
think of, Sir Edward, when he thinks of nothing?" 
After a little pause, he answered, *' He thinks, Ma- 
dam, of a woman's promise." The queen shrunk in 
her head, but replied, " Well, Sir Edward, I must 
not confute you ; anger makes men witty, but it keeps 
them poor." 

5. A courtier came running to Queen Elizabeth, 
and, with a face full of dismay, " Madam,- ' said he, 
" I have bad news for you ; the party of tailors, 
mounted on mares, that attacked the Spaniards, are 
all cut off." — " Courage ! friend," said the queen ; 
u this news is indeed bad ; but when we consider the 
nature of the quadrupeds, and the description of the 
soldiers, it is some comfort to think w r e have lost nei- 
ther man nor horse" 

The lah Princess Amelia. 

6. The late Princess Amelia being in the rooms at 
Bath, remarked a certain captain in the army of a 
most uncommon height. On inquiry, she was not 
only told his name and family, but likewise that he 
had been originally intendedfor the church, " Rather, 
I should suppose, for the steeple' 7 — replied her royal 
highness. 

Sarah Dutchess of Marlborough. 

7. When the proud Duke of Somerset, a little time 
before his death, paid a visit to Sarah Dutchess of 
Marlborough, she insisted on his drinking with her a 
glass of tokay, which had been presented to her hus- 
band by the emperor. He assented, and she ad- 
dressed him as follows : " My lord, I consider your 
grace drinking a glass of wine with me as a very high 
honour, and I will beg leave to propose two healths, 
the most unpopular imaginable, and which nobody in 
the three kingdoms, except ourselves, would drink ; 
here is your health and mine/' 



WOMEN. g 

The late Dutchess of Bedford. 

8. When the Dutchess of Bedford was last at 
Buxton, and then in her eighty-fifth year, it was the 
medical farce of the day for the faculty to resolve 
every complaint of whim and caprice into " a shock 
of the nervous system." Her grace, after inquiring 
of many of her friends in the room, what brought 
them there ? and being generally answered, " for a 
nervous complaint/' was asked, in her turn, what 
brought her to Buxton? " I came only for pleasure," 
answered the hale dutchess, " for, thank God, I was 
born before nerves came into fashion.'* 

The late Dutchess of Northumberland. 

9. When the amiable Dutchess of Northumberland 
was some years ago on the continent, she stopped at 
an inn in French Flanders, at the sign of the Golden 
Goose ; but, arriving late, and being somewhat fa- 
tigued with her journey, she ordered but a slight re- 
past for her and her suite, which consisted only of five 
servants. In the morning, when the landlord pre- 
sented his bill, her secretary was much surprised at 
one general item, of — " Expenses for the night, four- 
teen Louis D'ors.' 7 In vain did he remonstrate ; the 
artful Fleming knew the generous character of the 
dutchess, and was positive. The money was accord- 
ingly paid. W r hen she was preparing to depart, the 
landlord, as usual, attended her to her carnage ; and, 
after making many congees, and expressing many 
thanks, hoped he should have the honour of her 
grace's company, on her return. " Why, possibly you 
may/' said the dutchess, with her usual good-humour, 
" but it must be on one condition — that you do not 
mistake me again for your sign." 

The late Dutchess of Gordon. 

10. A certain cit, who had suddenly risen to 
wealth,. by monopolies and contracts, from a very low 
condition in life, stood up in the pit of the opera with 

B 2 



4 WOMEN. 

his hat on. The Dutchess of Gordon whispered to a 
lady near her, " We must forgive that man ; he has 
been used to the luxury of a hat so short a time, that 
he does not know when to pull it off." 

11. Lady Jersey, being at a masquerade, stept up 
to the Dutchess of Gordon, with the usual, " Do you 
know me?" — " Yes, ignorance and impudence are 
known every where," was the reply. 

12. Her grace was one evening in company with a 
military gentleman, who, in the composition of his 
dispatches, had not attended so much as might have 
been wished to the good old rules of grammar — " I 
congratulate you," said her grace, " on your talent 
for writing English poetry." — " English poetry!" 
replied the astonished officer. " Yes," returned she, 
" for I am sure what you write is not English 
prose*" 

13. When Mr. Penn, a young gentleman well 
known by his eccentricities, walked from Hyde Park 
Corner to Hammersmith, for a wager of one hundred 
guineas, with the Honourable Butler Danvers, se-* 
Veral gentlemen who had witnessed the contest spoke 
of it to the Dutchess of Gordon, and added, " It is a 
pity that a man with so many good qualities as Penn 
lias, should be incessantly playing these unaccount- 
able pranks."—" It is so," said her grace, " but why 
don't you advise hirn better? He seems to be a pen 
that every body cuts, and nobody mends'* 

14. Sir William Pulteney, mentioning some ridi- 
culous observations which he had made on a parti- 
cular occasion, said, that it had made the whole com- 
pany merry at his expense. " Then, Sir William," 
said the same witty dutchess, "I verily believe it is the 
first company that ever was made merry at your ex* 
pense" 



The late Dutchess of Devonshire. 

15. A Scotch nobleman, of no bright parts, chatting 
with the late Dutchess of Devonshire, she asked, how 
it happened that the Scots in general made a much 
better figure from home than in Scotland. " Oh," 
says he, " nothing is so easily accounted for, For 
the honour of the nation, persons are stationed at 
every egress, to see that none leave the country but 
men of abilities." — " Then," answered she, " I suspect 
your lordship was smuggled." 

16. As the Dutchess of Devonshire was rambling 
one day in the neighbourhood of Chiswick, she was 
overtaken by a shower, which obliged her to take 
shelter in a small hut, where she happened not to be 
known. Among other topics of conversation, which 
she introduced in her affable manner, she asked th$ 
good woman if she knew the Dutchess of Devonshire ? 
" Know her/' answered the woman, " aye, God bless 
her, every body has cause to know her here, there 
never was a better lady born," — " I am afraid you 
are mistaken," said her grace, " from what 1 can un- 
derstand of her, she is no better than she should be." 
— " I see you are no better than you should be," re- 
turned the poor woman ; " it would be happy for 
you if you were as good ; but you — you'll never be 
worthy to wipe her shoes." — " Then I must be be- 
holden to you, for they are at present very dirty," an- 
swered her grace. The honest cottager, perceiving 
l*er mistake, ran to perform the office with the great- 
est humility, for which she was generously rewarded 
by the dutchess. 

The Margravine of Anspach. 
17. The Margravine of Anspach, when Lady 
Craven, was one day walking in St. James's Park, 
with a young lady, a novice in affairs of love : the 
young lady, on seeing Lord Craven coming up, 
dressed a la mode de Paris, and displacing a number 
b 3 



6 WOMEN. 

of fantastical airs, exclaimed, " Lord ! Lady Graven, 
what a charming angelic man !" — " Never/' says the 
literary wit, " never, my dear girl, judge of the pieve 
by the drapery." 

18. A young nobleman, not remarkable for punctu- 
ality in the payment of his bills, once called upon the 
Margravine of Anspach in an elegant new phaeton, 
and at parting begged she would come to the door 
just to look at it. " ? Tis very pretty," said he, " and 
I have it entirely on a new plan." — " Before I set my 
eyes on it, my lord," said she, " I am afraid you have 
it on the old plan — never to pay for it." 

The Marchioness of Salisbury. 

19. Dr. Parker, the late worthy rector of St. 
James's, preaching a very dull sermon on happiness, 
the Marchioness of Salisbury, who saw him next day, 
told him laughingly he had forgot one sort of happi- 
ness — Happy are they who did 7iot hear your sei % mon. 

The Countess of Tyrconnel. 

20. The laurels which James II. won by sea he 
lost by land. Having been a spectator of the battle 
of the Bo}ne, on the 1st of July 1690, he thought it 
most prudent, while the fortune of the day was yejfc 
undecided, to seek his safety in flight. In a few 
hours he reached the castle of Dublin, where he was 
met by Lady Tyrconnel, a woman of great spirit. 
" Your countrymen, the Irish, madam," said James, 
as be was ascending the stairs, " can run well."— 
" Not quite so well as your majesty," retorted her la- 
dyship, " for I see you have won the race." 

Albinia, the late Countess Dowager of 
Buckinghamshire. 

21. Lord O saying that he made a point of 

never playing beyond the line of his own understand- 
ing, "Now my lord," said the Countess of Bucking- 



WOMEN. 7 

hamshire, " 1 see the reason why you never play 
deep." 

Lady Mary Wortley Montague. 

22. As Lady Mary Wortley Montague was walk- 
ing through the gardens at Stow with a party, she was 
much teased by an impertinent young coxcomb, who 
was continually making some foolish observations to 
her. On coming to one of the temples, over which there 
was an inscription, she took advantage of this oppor- 
tunity to expose his ignorance and put him to si- 
lence. " Pray, sir/- said she, " be kind enough to 
explain that inscription to us." — " Madam/! said the 
young gentleman, with an affected air, " I really do 
not know what it means, for I see it is dog Latin."-— 
" How very extraordinary it is," said Lady Mary, 
" that puppies do not understand their own lan- 
guage !' ; 

Lady Wallace. 

23. The celebrated Lady Wallace, when a very 
young girl, was romping with some other little misses 
near a mill-dam, and had often very incautiously 
approached the brink of the water, when Lady Max- 
well, her mother, called to her — " For God's sake, 
girl, be more cautious, or you will most certainly 
tumble into the water and be drowned.'- — " I'll be 
damned if I do, mamma," replied the young pun- 
ster. " Oh ! child/ 7 remarked her mother, *' that 
wit of your's will one day prove your ruin." — " I'm 
sure, then, it wont be mother-wit," retorted the 
minx. 

24. Lady Wallace was one day at an auction 
bidding away at a great rate, when her brother-in- 
law, Mr. Fordyce, who had been a bankrupt, but had 
settled matters with his creditors in a very comfort- 
able manner, said — " Lady Wallace, if you go on in 
this way you'll break," — " No matter/' said she, " I 



8 WOMEN. 

may then be able to follow the example of some of 
my friends, and live twice as well as ever." 

25. The same lady, who was once celebrated in 
Scotland for wit and beauty, happening to be at an 
assembly in Edinburgh, a young gentleman, the son 
of his majesty's printer, who had the patent for pub- 
lishing Bibles, made his appearance, dressed in g\een 
and gold. Being a new face, and extremely elegant, 
he attracted the attention of the whole company. A 
general murmur prevailed in the room, to know who 
he was : Lady Wallace instantly made answer, loud 
enough to be heard by the stranger — " Oh, don't you 
know him ? It is young Bible, bound in calf, and gilt y 
but not lettered" 

Lady Worsley. 

26. When Hie election was to come on for Dum- 
bartonshire, where Lord Frederick Campbell and 
Captain Elphinstone were candidates, Lady Wors- 
ley, famous both for her beauty and wit, sent a card 

to General S- , who had a vote, and was against 

her friend, desiring to speak to him on particular bu- 
siness, before he set out for the election. The ge- 
neral was a man of too much gallantry to refuse the 
summons, even at the critical moment of setting out 
on a service where a single voice might be decisive. 
As soon as he was ushered into the room to her la- 
dyship, she locked the door, and told him very per- 
emptorily, that there he must remain until the election 

was over. General S flew to the windows, but 

care had been taken to secure them : he then at- 
tempted the door, but with like effect ; at last he had 
recourse to crying out murder ! and robbery ! which 
soon brought, together a great crowd; but Lady 
Worsley told them very coolly, that it was a friend of 
her's who was subject to drinking, and then so in- 
toxioated, it would be dangerous to let him loose. 
At length the general was permitted to depart, but 
not until it was too late to give his vote. 



WOMEN. 9 

Lady Bridget Tollemache. 

27. A certain nobleman, who was more remark- 
able for bis pride than his parts, being once with- 
drawing from a fashionable party, and wanting his 
servant to attend him, called out in a very loud voice, 
" Where can my blockhead be ?" — u Upon your 
shoulders, my lord/' answered Lady Bridget Tolle- 
mache. 

Lady Charlotte Bruce. 

28. Lord H , who affects to be a physiogno- 
mist, and to know people's sentiments by the expres- 
sion of their countenance, calling on Lady Charlotte 
Bruce before her marriage with Captain Durham, 
told her he knew her thoughts by her eyes. " Do 
you," says she ; u then I am sure you will keep them 
secret, for they are no way to your advantage." 

Hon. Mrs. Dormer. 

29. A young lady marrying a man she loved, and 
leaving many friends in town, to retire with him into 
the country, Mrs. Dormer said prettily, " She has 
turned one-and-twenty shillings into a guinea." 

Mrs. Barbauld. 

30. A gentleman was telling Mrs. Barbauld, a 
short time since, of the thieves that had the pre- 
ceding night broke into St. George's Church, Han- 
over Square, and stolen the communion-plate and 
the ten commandments — " I can suppose," added 
the informant, " that they may melt and sell the 
plate, but can you divine for what possible purpose 
they could take the commandments?" — '* To break 
them, to be sure," replied she, " to break them." 

Miss Seward. 

31. When Mr. Ritson, whose malevolent and 
waspish disposition is so well known, died some years 
S?nce, #nd it was reported by some people that he had 



10 WOMEN. 

poisoned himself, " What V K replied Miss Sewarel, 
" sure he must have bit his own tongue, 1 * 

CONSTANTIA PHILIPS. 

32. In the early part of Mr. Muilman's life, he be- 
came enamoured with Constantia Philips; and, find- 
ing he could not procure her as a mistress, resolved 
to venture upon her as a wife. They married ; but 
as their dispositions were not exactly similar, they 
were not superlatively happy, " Mr. Muilman," said 
Constantia, after they had been married about three 
months — " Mr. Muilman, I believe you are heartily 
tired of me, and I am as heartily tired of you; so, if 
you will settle five hundred a year upon me, I will 
put you in a way of dissolving our marriage." He 
eagerly embraced the proposal, and gave her his 
bond for performing the contract; on which she 
produced a certificate of her previous marriage to a 
pastry-cook, who lived in Maiden Lane, Covent Gar- 
den. This point being ascertained, Mr. Muilman 
refused to pay her annuity; and she found there 
was a flaw in the drawing up, which put it out of 
her power to compel him. She therefore told him, 
unless he entered into a new and legal engagement, 
she would take a step which would still render her 
marriage with him perfectly valid. He laughed at 
her ; but she performed her promise, by bringing a 
certificate, and producing a register, by which it ap- 
peared that the Maiden Lane pastry-cook, previous 
to his marriage with her, was married to another wo- 
r.ian, who was then alive. This disconcerted the 
merchant; who, however, got quit of her impor- 
tunities, by giving her a considerable sum, on condi- 
tion of her going to Jamaica, where she settled as 
Jveeper of a coffee-house, and died soon after. 

33. When Constantia Philips was in a state of 
distress, she took a small shop in Westminster Hall, 
And sold books, some of them of her own writing. 



WOMEN. 11 

During this time, an apothecary, who had attended her 
at a time when she was ill, came to her and requested 
payment of his bill. She urged inability, but he still 
continued to press her, and gave as a reason, that he 
had saved her life* " You have so/' says Constan- 
tia, " you have so ; I acknowledge it ; and, in re- 
turn, here is my life ; n when going to a book-case, and 
reaching the two volumes, she begged he would take 
her life as the discharge of his demand. 

Helen Maria Williams, 

34. A gentleman expatiating on the justice and 
propriety of an hereditary nobility — " Is it not right/ 7 
said he, " in order to hand down to posterity the 
virtues of those men who have been eminent for 
their services to the country, that their posterity 
should enjoy the honours conferred on them as a 
reward for such services?'* — " By the same rule,' 7 
said Helen Maria Williams, " if a man is hanged 
for his misdeeds, all his posterity should be hanged 
too/' 

Miss Chudleigh. 

35. When the late Duke of Cumberland was once at 
a masquerade, he observed Miss Chudleigh in a habit 
which very closely bordered upon the naked : " My 
dear lady," said the good-natured duke, " suffer me 
to put my hand upon that soft bosom"—" Sir," said 
she, " give me your hand, and I will put it on a 
much softer place." She took his right hand, and 
put it upon his own forehead. 

Mrs. (now lady) Price. 

36. Mrs. Price, before her marriage with the 
worthy alderman of that name, was a widow with a 
large fortune, and her name was Rugg. On being 
asked* a few days after her second marriage, how she 
liked it, " Oh, very well, indeed/ 7 said she, " I sold 
my old Rugg for a good Price." 



12 WOMEN. 

Miss Farren. 

37. The wife of the manager of a little strolling 
company, who was both old and ugly, had once a 
violent dispute with Lady Derby, then Miss Farren, 
and one of the company : the theatrical queen, 
being extremely irritated at some remark of Thalia's 
favourite, exclaimed in her passion, " You are a very 
pretty young lady indeed I" — " And you are neither 
one nor the other," replied her ladyship. 

Miss Pope. 

38. Miss Pope was rallied one evening in the 
Green-room by a certain actress, more noted for her 
gallant lies than professional talents, on the largeness 
of her shape ; on which she observed, " I can only 
wish it, madam, as slender as your reputation." 

Mrs. Powell. 

39. After Mr. Boaden had read his Aurelia and 
Miraijda in the Green-room of Drury Lane theatre, 
he observed, that he knew nothing so terrible as 
reading a piece before such a critical audience. " I 
know one thing much more terrible," said Mrs. 
Powell. " What can that be?" said our author. 
" To be obliged to sit and hear it" 

Signora Storage. 

40. At a late musical meeting in the country, a 
vocal performer, who was shabbily dressed about the 
small clothes, being complimented on the power of 
his voice, vainly tossed up his head, and replied, " O, 
Lord, I can make any thing of it" — " Can you, in- 
deed?" said Signora Storace, u why then I'd advise 
you to make a pair of breeches of it." 

Madame de Longue villi:. 
^I. Her friends advised Madame de LongueviUe, 
who was a very virtuous and diffident lady, to go to 
court, in order to set the courtiers a good example* 



WOMEN. IS 

" I cannot," said she, " set a better example, than 
by not going to court at all." 

Madame de la Sabbere. 

42. Monsieur de la Farre had long professed an af- 
fection for Madame de la Sabbere. Visiting her one 
morning, and fixing his eyes steadily on her counte- 
nance, he suddenly exclaimed, u Bless me, what is 
the matter with your right eye ?" — u Ah ! la Farre," 
replied she, " you no longer love me — I have had the 
same defect my whole life ; but passion blinded you 
too much to discover it till this day." 

Anonymous and Miscellaneous. 

43. A lady of the west country gave a great enter- 
tainment at her house to most of the gallant gentle- 
men thereabouts, and among others, to Sir Walter 
Raleigh. This lady, though otherwise a stately 
dame, w as a notable good housewife ; and in the 
morning betimes she called to one of her maids who 
looked to the swine, and asked, " Are the pigs 
served V Sir Walter Raleigh's chamber was close 
to the lady's. A little before dinner the lady came 
down in great state into the great chamber which 
was full of gentlemen, and as soon as Sir Walter cast 
his eye upon her, " Madam," said he, " are the pigs 
served?" The lady answered, " You know best 
whether you have had your breakfast" 

44. A lady in a large company was attacked by a 
young coxcomb of high rank, whose mother was 
remarkable for her gallantries, with this question : 
" Pray, madam, tell me now, was not that fine gown 
you have on given you by one of your lovers V 7 —- 
" No, my pretty little fellow," replied she, u you 
think you are talking to your mamma" 

45. A young candidate was. afternoon preacher at 
the church of a house of collection or workhouse, 



14 WOMEN. 

which was seldom attended by any but the inhabi- 
tants of the latter. However, several of his young 
female acquaintances once went thither, and seated 
themselves where they could not be seen by the par- 
son. After service the candidate paid a visit to a 
place where one of these young ladies happened to 
be in company; he paid his compliments to her, 
and she asked him whence he came? appearing as if 
she did not know he had preached. " Ah!" said he, 
" I have this afternoon been preaching to a congre- 
gation of asses." To which his female friend replied, 
" That then was the reason why you always called 
them my bel&ved brethren. 11 

46. A bashful gentleman, who had for some tims 
admired a lady without daring to disclose his passion, 
sitting next her one Sunday, at church, hit upon the 
following method of declaring it. Taking up his Bi- 
ble he handed it over to her, having first turned 
down a leaf, on which he had marked with a pencil 
the following text in the 2d Epistle of St. John, and 
5th verse : " And now I beseech thee, lady, not as 
though I wrote a new commandment unto thee, but 
that which we had from the beginning, that we love 
one another J 9 The lady, in a very few minutes, re- 
turned the book with the following passage doubled 
down and marked — Ruth, ch. 1, v. 16: " Whither 
thou goest I will go ; where thou lodgest I will lodge ; 
thy people shall be my people ; thy God, my God. 
Where thou dicst will I die, and there will I be bu- 
ried also : the Lord do so to me and more also, if 
aught but death part thee and me." 

47. A curious confessor, who had listened with as 
much attention as surprise to a young woman, who 
had opened the state of her mind to him, at last en- 
quired her name. The lady, with a readiness of mind 
peculiar to herself, replied, u My good father, my 
name is Nosm." 



^VOMEN. 15 

48. A pensioner in a Trench convent desired one 
of the nuns to set her right in a mistake she iiad made 
in her embroidery. The peevish sister refused, bid- 
ding her wait till the mistress of that work was at lei- 
sure, and adding jeeriugly, " You have got out, sis- 
ter, and you cannot get in." — " True," replied the 
young lady, " but it is still worse for you, sister ; you 
have got in, and cannot get out" 

49. A lady at a supper given on a public occasion, 
displayed in an ostentatious manner a profusion of 
artificial diamonds, which she had purchased at the 
shop of the well-known Dovey. She long teased a 
lady who sat next her with a great deal of imperti- 
nent conversation, and with obtrusive attention of- 
fered to help her to the dainties upon the table. 
" Shall I," said she, " send you a puff?' — u I thank 
you madam," said the other, tk you had better take 
one yourself, as you seem .to be very fond of paste" 

50. A certain reverend gentleman of the city of 
Edinbugh dining with a friend, the lady of the house 
desired the servant to take away the dish containing 
the fowls, which she pronounced fools, (as is some- 
times done in Scotland). " I presume, madam, you 
me an fowls" said Mr. R. very pompously: — " Yery 
well, be it so," said the lady, " take away the fowls; 
but let the fool remain I" 



51c Some philosophers maintain, that speech is the 
criterion of reason. Parrots and other birds : peak ; 
are they then rational ? Women we know are ra- 
tional, but would they he less so if they spoke less ? 

52. One of the Cecil family, minister to Scotland 
from England, was speaking to Mary, Queen of 
Scots, of the wisdom of his sovereign, Queen Eliza.- . 
c2 



16 WOMEN. 

beth. Mary stopped him short by saying-, " Pray, 
sir, don't talk to me of the wisdom of a woman ; 1 
think I know my own sex pretty well, and can as- 
sure you, that the wisest of us ail is only a little less 
a fool than the others/' 

53. In 1547, a proclamation was issued by Henry 
VIII. a That women should not meet together to 
babble and talk, and that all men should keep their 
wives in their houses." — Query, what effect would 
such a proclamation have now? 

54. Milton was asked by a friend, whether he 
would instruct his daughters in the different lan- 
guages ? to which he replied, " No, sir, one tongue 
is sufficient for a woman." 

55. In some parish-churches it is the custom to se- 
parate the men from the women. A clergyman, be- 
ing interrupted by loud talking, stopped short ; when 
a woman, eager for the honour of her sex, arose and 
said, " Your reverence, the noise is not among us." 
" So much the better," answered the priest, " it will 
be the sooner over." 

56. A father w r as once going to preach upon the 
text of the Samaritan woman, and after reading it t 
he said, u Do not wonder, my beloved, that the text 
is so long, for it is a woman that speaks." 

57. When Rousseau was persecuted in his own 
country, that enthusiast took up his residence in a 
country town in France. The curate no sooner 
heard who he was, than he publicly preached against 
him, and, in several of his sermons, gave him the 
appellation of an infidel. The unblameable tenor 
of his conduct, however, prevented the clergyman's 
invectives from having any effect; and the people, 
in general, were regardless of the pernicious tendency 



WOMEN. 17 

of his writings, when they found no tiling to condemn 
in his life. The priest, finding that he could do but 
little under the mask of religion, chauged his battery, 
and insinuated, that Rousseau had asserted, in seve- 
ral parts of his works, that the women had no souls. 
This report gained an universal belief: the women 
exclaimed against him as a monster, and never suf- 
fered their husbands or relations to rest, till they had 
driven him out of the neighbourhood. 

58. u I should be glad to know," said a learned 
lady angrily, " how knowledge is incompatible with 
a woman's Situation in life. I should like to be told 
why chemistry, geography, algebra, languages, and 
the whole circle of arts and sciences, are not as be- 
coming in her as in a man." — " I do not say," replied 
Mr. Dubois, the ingenious author of Old Nick, 
" that they are entirely unbecoming ; but I think, a 
very little of them will answer the purpose. In my 
opinion, now, a woman's knowledge of clienristry 
should extend no farther than to the melting of but- 
ter ; her geography to a thorough acquaintance with 
every hole and corner in the house ; her algebra to 
keeping a correct account of the expenses of the fa- 
mily ; and as for tongues, Heaven knows, that one is 
enough in ali conscience, and the less use she makes 
of that the better." 

59. Lady S — — was saying one evening, that she 
had no control over her daughter, for that she would 
have her will in every thing ; " and yet I cannot 
dejr at it," added she, " it is in the blood.'' — " Say in 
the sexj 7 rejoined Mr. Sheridan. 

GO. Eve, say the Jewish Rabbins, is derived from 
a word which signifies to prattle. The first woman 
jook this name for the following reason : — When God 
had created the world, he threw down from heaven 
twelve baskets filled with prattle; the woman picked 
C 3 



IS WOMEN. 

up nine of them, whilst her husband had hardly time 
to collect the other three. 

61. Some words in French have no correspondent 
rhyme. A lady, asking a rhyme to co'tffe, (a lady's 
head-dress,) was answered, "Madam, there is none; 
for what belongs to a lady's head has neither rhyme 
nor reason." 

62. " In the parish of Mandreville," says a French 
writer, " a few leagues from Elbeuf. in Normandy, 
there is a small statue of St. Matthew ; which repre- 
sents the Evangelist in the act of driving the devil 
out of the head of a woman at his knees. The bishop 
of the diocese, on his rirst visitation in this parish, 
pointing to the statue, said pleasantly to the priest — 
6 Ah ! Monsieur Abbe, if this saint of your's was 
but better known, your benefice would be far more 
valuable than my bishopric' " 

63. Dr. Johnson was in company with a very talk- 
ative lady, of whom he appeared to take very little 
notice. She, in pique, said to him, " Why, doctor, 
I believe you are not very fond of the company of 
ladies.' 7 — " You are mistaken, madam," replied he, 
4i l like their beauty, Hike their delicacy, Hike their 
vivacity, and 1 like their silenced 

64. An English gentleman visited at a house in 
Paris, where he was very hospitably entertained, and 
where the amiable hostess displayed all that gaiety 
for which the French women are remarkable. The 
husband happened to leave the room for a little time; 
shortly after, madame lost all her vivacity, and at 
length rose up, and after giving John Bull a hearty 
box on the ear, flew out in a rage. Immediately after, 
the husband entered, when our countryman told him 
what had happened. The Frenchman was astonished. 
(i You hav© not, I hope," said he, " been guilty ot 



WOMEN. 19 

any rudeness to my wife." — " Assuredly not, sir.' 7 — 
" What can be the matter, then ? What did you say 
to her?" — " Why I talked about indifferent matters, 
about the weather and the news." — " Then," said the 
Parisian husband, " I am not at all surprised at her 
behaviour, when, being left alone with a fine woman, 
you had nothing to entertain her with but the wea- 
ther and the news !" 

65. A beautiful, but loquacious lady haying her 
portrait painted, it was so admirably executed, that 
a connoisseur observed, that to be her very self it 
only wanted speech. " And pray," said another, 
" do you tliink it the worse for that V 

66. Bayle was asked if women could keep a secret. 
" There is one secret," said he, " and that is the only- 
one they can keep — their age." 

67. Horace Walpole, being informed of a serious 
quarrel between two of his female relations, asked 
the person whether either of them had called the 
other ugly. On receiving an answer in the negative, 
he replied ; " Oh, then I shall soon make up the 
matter." 

68. A young clergyman having buried three wives, 
a lady asked him how he happened to be so lucky. 
" Madam," replied he, " I knew they could not live 
without contradiction, so 1 let them all have their 
own way." 

The Matrimonial Creed. 

69. Whoever will be married, before all things it 
is necessary*, that he hold the conjugal faith in this. 
That there were two rational beings created, both 
equal, and yet one superior to the other, and the 
inferior shall bear rule over the superior : which faith, 



£0 WOMEN. 

except every one do keep whole and undented, with- 
out doubt he shall be scolded at everlastingly. 

The man is superior to the woman, and the woman 
is inferior to the man ; yet both are equal, and the 
woman shall govern the man. 

The woman is commanded to obey the man, and 
the man ought to obey the woman ; and yet there 
are not two obedients, but one obedient. 

For there is one dominion nominal of the husband, 
and another dominion real of the wile ; and yet there 
are not two dominions, but one dominion. 

For, like as we are compelled by the Christian ve- 
rity to acknowledge, that wives must submit them- 
selves to their husbands, and be subject to them in 
all things ; so are we forbidden by the conjugal faith 
to say, that they should be at all influenced by their 
wills, or pay any regard to their commands. 

The man was not created for the woman, but the 
woman for the man ; yet the man shall be the slave 
of the woman, and the woman the tyrant of the man ; 
sathat in all things, as is aforesaid, the subjection of 
the superior to the inferior is to be believed. 

He, therefore, that will be married, must thus 
think of the woman and the man. 

Furthermore, it is necessary to submissive matri- 
mony, that he also believe rightly the infallibility of 
the wife : 

For the right faith is, that we believe and confess, 
that the wife is fallible and infallible : 

Perfectly fallible, and perfectly infallible ; of an 
erring soul, and an unerring mind, subsisting; falli- 
ble as touching her human nature, and infallible as 
touching her female sex. 

Who, although she be fallible, and infallible, fei 
she is not two, but one woman : who submitted to 
lawful marriage, to acquire unlawful dominion, and 
promised religiously to obey, that she might rule in 
injustice and folly. 

This is the conjugal faith ; which, except a man 



WOMEN. £t 

believe faithfully, he cannot enter the state of matri- 
mony. 

Signs and Tokens. 
70. If you see a man and woman, with little or 
no occasion often finding fault, and correcting each 
other in company, you may be sure they are hus- 
band and wife. — If you see a lady and gentleman in 
the same coach in profound silence, the one looking 
out at one window, and the other at the opposite 
side, be assured they mean no harm to each other, 
but are husband and wife. — If you see a lady acci- 
dentally let fall a glove or a handkerchief, and a gen- 
tleman that is next to her tell her of it, that she may 
herself pick it up, set them down for husband and 
wife. — If you see a man and woman walk in the 
fields at twenty yards distance, in a direct line, and 
the man striding over a stile and still going on, sans 
ceremonie, you may swear they are husband and wife. 
—If you see a lady, whose beauty attracts the notice 
of every person present, except one man, and he 
speaks to her in a rough manner, and does not appear 
at all affected by her charms, depend upon it they 
are husband and wife. 

71. A poor hen-pecked, half-starved tailor, says 
an old author, having at last taken his leave of this 
vale of tears, made the best of his way to the man- 
sion of happiness, and, knocking at the gate, was 
asked by the porter, " Who was there V 7 To which 
he made answer, " A poor tailor, just come from a 
troublesome world.' 7 — " tlave you ever been in pur- 
gatory?" demanded the porter, a second time: "No," 
quoth the tailor, *' but I have been married."— 
" That, indeed," replied the porter, " is much the 
same thing ;" and he accordingly opened the gate for 
his admission. Presently afterwards a fat alderman, 
who had gorged himself to death at a city feast, ap- 
proached the gate, and in a haughty magisterial tone 



£2 WOMEN. 

demanded entrance. " Patience, good friend," said 
the porter, have you ever been in purgatory?" — 
" Why, no," replied his worship, " but what of that ? 
I saw you this very moment open the door to a half- 
starved tailor, who has been no more in purgatory 
than myself." — " Aye, but he has been married," 
returned the porter. "Married!" quoth the alder- 
man, " why so have I been too; and, what is more, 
I have been married three several times." — •" Then 
pray take yourself off, and find a place where you 
can," interrupted the porter, " for this is not a place 
for fools." 

72. Alphonso King of Spain used to say, that he 
only knew one happy married pair in his dominions 
— the man was deaf) and the woman blind. 

73. When Milton was blind, he married a shrew. 
The Duke of Buckingham called her a rose. " I am 
no judge of flowers," replied Milton, " but it may 
be so, for I feel the thorns daily." 

74. One who had been a termagant wife, lying on 
her death-bed, desired her husband, that as she had 
brought him a fortune she might have liberty to 
make her will, and bestow a few legacies on her 
relations. " No, madam," said he, " you have had 
your tcill all your life-time, and now I will have 
mine." 

75. A Frenchman being at confession, accused 
himself of many crimes ; and among others acknow- 
ledged that not more than an hour before, he had 
given his wife a sound drubbing. " Why did you do 
that, my son ?" said the father-confessor. " Why," 
replied the penitent, " I do the same thing every 
time I come to confession ; and were I once to omit 
it, my shrift would hardly entitle me to absolution* 
In conformity to the ordinations of our holy religion, 



WOMEN. $3 

I confess every year ; but my memory is so defec- 
tive, that I should never recollect any sin I have 
been guilty of unless I beat my wife, which I there- 
fore always do on these occasions ; and she in re- 
turn comes rattling like a hail-storm, with a full, 
true, and particular account of every crime I have 
committed, from the hour I married her." 

76. A woman haying fallen into a liver, her hus- 
band went to look for her, proceeding up the stream 
from the place where she fell in. The bye-standers 
asked him if he was mad ? she could not have gone 
against the stream. The man answered, she was 
obstinate and contrary in her life, and he therefore 
supposed for certain, that she was the same at her 
death. 

77. A gentleman who did not live very happily with 
his wife, on the maid telling him that she was going 
to give her mistress warning, as she kept scolding 
her from morning till night, " Happy girl !" said the 
master, " I wish I could give her warning too." 

78. A husband, whose ears were constantly assailed 
by the unruly tongue of his wife, bore the sound of 
Ler incessant alarum with the greatest patience. 
" It is very clear," said one of his friends, u that 
you are afraid of your wife." — " I am not afraid of 
her" said the husband, " but of the noise she 
makes." 

79. A certain citizen, being told it Hew a hurricane 
at Margate, shrewdly observed, "Aye, my wife has 

been there these three weeks." 

80. A handsome, well-made gentleman, having 
m arned a small wife, was asked by a friend why 
he made choice of such a little thing — " Don't you 



24 WOMEN. 

know, my dear friend," he replied, " that of all evils 
you should choose the least. 17 

81. A gentleman, recently married, was enjoying 
with his fair one an evening walk along the beach 
at Musselburgh. That moment a vessel had left the 
harbour, bound for a foreign port : " Pray, my dear;" 
says the lady, " what is the difference between ex- 
ported and transported?" — " Were yon, my love^' re- 
turned the gentleman, " aboard that vessel, you 
would be exported and I should be transported? 

82. A gentleman at White's overlooking the 
players at picquet till three in the morning, on a dis- 
pute they referred to him, when he declared he knew 
nothing of the game. " What I" said they, " and 
sit here all this time !" He satisfactorily explained 
their difficulty by saying, " Gentlemen, I am mar- 
ried." 

83. An undertaker waited on a gentleman with 
the bill for the burial of his wife, amounting to 671. 
" That's a vast sum," said the widower, " for laying a 
silent female horizontally ! you must have made some 
mistake \" — " Not in the least/' answered the coffin- 
monger, " handsome hearse — three coaches and six 
— well-dressed mutes — handsome pall — nobody, jour 
honour, could do it for less. 7 ' The gentleman re- 
joined : " It is a large sum, Mr. Crape ; but, as I am 
satisfied the poor woman would have given twice as 
much to bury me, I must not be behind her in an act 
of kindness; there is a check for the amount." 

84. A gentleman in the city was for some time 
yoked to a mate, who had that amiable quality of 
never receiving, or supposing herself to receive any 
injury, without breaking silence. One day, observ- 
ing her consort whispering something to the maid, 
she instantly fixed her fangs in his face, tore his hair 



WOMEN. 25 

by the roots, and, in short, suffered passion so much 
to get the better of her, that she was actually suffo- 
cated by its violence. The poor husband was so 
overcome with grief at the sad accident, that he 
forgot to use any of those methods recommended 
by the Humane Society for the recovery of persons 
in his wife's situation. Indeed, so anxious was he for 
her everlasting repose, that he gave instant instruc- 
tions for her funeral, directing most particularly, that 
she should be buried with her face downward. Being 
asked the reason of this, " Why," replied he, " if 
she should happen to awake, the more she scratches 
the deeper she goes V 

85. A young fellow being informed that his mis- 
tress was married : to convince him of it, the young 
gentleman who told him, said, he had seen the bride 
and bridegroom. " Prithee," said the forsaken swain, 
64 do not call them by those names, I cannot bear to 
hear them/' — " Shall I call them dog and cat ?" an- 
swered the other. " Oh, no, for heaven's sake," re- 
plied the first, " that sounds ten times more like man 
and wife than the other/' 

86. A countryman and his wife having had some 
words, the man protested he would be revenged of 
her. " Why, what will you do V said she. " Do ?" re- 
plied he, " why, I'll go into the orchard, and drown 
myself in the pond." — u Aye, do," says his wife ; " and 
I'll go with you to see it done." They both went, and 
the man run to the pond as though he would jump in, 
but stopped when he came to the side of it. His 
wife upbraided him ; called him coward, rogue, and 
villain, and said, she knew he had not the heart to do 
it. The man took another run, and stopped short, as 
before, and his wife continued to abuse him. At 
length he told her, he really had not the heart to 
drown himself; but if she would tie his hands be- 
hind him, with his garters, which would prevent his 

D 



26 WOMEN. 

saving his life by ■■swimming, and push him in, she 
might, for he was weary of her ill temper. " Aye, 
you rogue,'' says she, " that I will." She accord- 
ingly tied his hands behind him, and he went to the * 
side of the pond. " Now/' says the man, " take a long 
run, and push me a good way into the water, that 
I may be the sooner out of my misery." — " Aye, aye, 
you rogue/' replied his wife, " ill push you far 
enough in, 1*11 warrant you." The man stood close 
by the pond, with his back towards her, and she 
went to some distance from him, and then came run- 
ning towards him, that she might push him in with 
the more violence ; but, just as she came to him, he 
stepped aside, and she fell flounce into the water. 
She called to him to help her out, but he very 
calmly replied, " You may thank yourself, it is not 
in my power to help you out, for you have tied my 
hands." 

87. " I wonder," said a woman of humour, "why 
my husband and I quarrel so often, for we agree uni- 
formly in one grand point : he wishes to be master, 
and so do I." 

88. Sir George Etherege, having run up a score at 
Loekifs, absented himself from the ordinary. In 
consequence of this Mrs. Lockit was sent to dun him, 
and threaten him with an action. He told the mes- 
senger that he would certainly kiss her if she stirred 
a step in it. On this message being brought, she 
called for her hood and cloak, and told her husband, 
who interposed, that she would see if there was any 
fellow alive that had the impudence. " Pr'y thee, my 
dear, don't be so rash," replied the good man, " you 
don't know what a man may do in a passion." 

89. A French gentleman apprehending himself to 
be on his death-bed, earnestly entreated his young 
wife not to marry an officer, of whom he had been 



WOMEN. £7 

jealous. " My dear/' said she. " do not distress 
yourself, I have given my word to another a great 
while ago." 

90. A bad woman upbraided her husband with 
his love of money, and said, she believed, if she 
were to die that he would marry the devil's eldest 
daughter if he could have plenty of money with her. 
" That might be," answered her husband ; " but the 
worst of it is, a man dare not marry two sisters.'' 

91. A lady dying, who was much given to scold- 
ing her servants, her husband caused an atchievement 
to be put against his house, under which was the 
following common motto, u In ccelo quies." The 
coachman asked the undertaker's apprentice the 
meaning of these words, and on being informed it 
was, " There is rest in heaven," answered, u Then 
I'm sure mistress be not there." 

92. A very volatile young lord, whose conquests 
in the female world were numberless, at last married, 
*' Nov, my lord," said the countess, " I hope you'll 
mend." — u Madam," says he, " you may depend on 
it, this is my last folly." 

93. A maid-servant at an inn, being lately asked 
on atrial for Grim. Con. if the adultress and her pa- 
ramour lived like man and wife? " Yes, my lord," 
cried Betty, "they did, for they quarrelled from 
morning till night.' 7 

94. The clergyman of a country village repre- 
hending one of his parishioners for quarrelling with 
his wife so loudly and so frequently, as to be a source 
of perpetual disturbance to the neighbourhood, in 
the course of his exhortation remarked, that the 
Scriptures declared, that man and wife were one? 
P Aye, that may be, sir," answered Hodge, " but 

d 2 



£8 WOMEN. 

if you were to go by when me and my wife are at it, 
you'd think there were twenty of us V f 

95. A wild young 1 gentleman having married a 
very discreet, virtuous, young lady, the better to 
reclaim him, she caused it to be given out, on his 
return from his travels, that she was dead and had 
been buried ; in the mean time she had so placed 
hersejf in disguise, as to be able to observe how he 
took the news ; and finding him still the same gay, 
inconstant man he always had been, she appeared 
to him as the ghost of herself, at which he seemed 
not at all dismayed ; at length disclosing herself to 
him, he then appeared pretty much surprised; a 
bye-slander said, " Why, sir, you seem more afraid 
now than before.'* — 6i Aye,' 7 replied he, " most men 
are more afraid of a living wife than a dead oneP 

96. A poor man, who had a termagant wife, after 
a long dispute, in which he was resolved to have 
the last word, told her, if she spoke one more 
crooked word, he would beat her brains out. " Why 
then, rams horns, you dog !' ; said she, " if I die for it." 

97. A person happening to call one day on an ac- 
quaintance, found him exercising on his wife that 
discipline which Jobson employs in the farce of the 
" Devil to Pay ;" and being hurt at the ungenerous 
task undertaken by his friend, he begged of him, by 
all the ties of honour, to forbear ; at the same time 
asking him the occasion of such severe treatment. 
" The occasion is,' 7 said the enraged husband, " that 
she will not be mistress m her own house." The 
gentleman expressed great astonishment at the an- 
swer, and remarked, that the fault was such as he 
believed no woman ever gave her husband occasion 
to thrash her for before. " Ah !'* said the husband, 
Ci but my wife wont be mistress, — she wants to be 
master" 



WOMEN. 29 

98. Two friends, who had not seen each other a 
long while, met one morning quite by chance. tt How 
do you do?" said one. " Why, not very well/' replied 
the other ; " I have been married since I saw you/' — 
" AY ell done, that is good news, however/' — " Not 
so very good, for my wife was a most woeful scold/' 
— " That was bad?' — " Not so bad neither, she 
brought me two thousand pounds." — " That was con- 
solation though." — u Not entirely, for I speculated in 
sheep, which all died of the rot."— " That was very 
unfortunate !"— " Not so very unfortunate, for I made 
as much by their skins as I should have done by their 
flesh." — " Then you were as lucky as if it had not hap- 
pened." — (i Not quite ; for my house was one night 
burnt, and every note of the money consumed." — 
" What a most woeful misfortune !" — " Not so woeful 
as you may imagine, for my wife and my house were 
Jiurnt together." 

99. During the reign of the feudal system amongst 
the Highlanders, the Laird of Grant had condemned 
one of his vassals to be hanged. When Donald 
came to the gallows, accompanied by Janet, his 
faithful wife, he seemed very reluctant to mount the 
ladder, and stood a long time below the fatal tree 
shrugging his shoulders. " Hoot awa, Donald," said 
Janet, dapping her dear spouse's cheek, " gang up 
like a man, and please the laird !" Donald could 
not resist such a powerful motive to obedience, but 
mounted, and was turned off in a minute. 

100. The 'power of orthography and punctuation. — ■ 
The husband of a pious woman having occasion to 
make a voyage, his wife sent a written request to the 
parson of the parish; but instead of spelling and 
pointing it properly, viz. " A person having gone to 
sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation," 
she spelled and pointed it as follows : — " A person, 
having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the 

D 3 



50 ROYAL. 

congregation." The parson, who had not ex- 
amined the contents of the paper, gave it out 
accordingly. 



CHAR II. 



ROYAL. 

KINGS OF SPARTA. 

Leonidas. 

101. Xerxes, at the head of half a million of men, 
wrote thus to Leonidas — " Surrender your arms/' 
Leonidas, who commanded only three hundred Spar- 
tans, returned this answer — " Come and take them." 

Agestilaus. 

102. A man in a public office in Sparta was guilty 
of many peculations and frauds ; and being called 
openly a rogue and scoundrel, he complained to 
Agestilaus of these indignities. " Sir," said the king, 
" my subjects are plain men in their speech, and oali 
things by their right names." 



EMPEROR OF ROME. 

Augustus. 
103. A courtier having asked Augustus for a sa 
lary to a place he held, said it was not for the value 
of the thing, but for the sake of seeming to have de- 
served it at his hands. " Well," replied Augustus, 
* tell every body that you receive one, and I will not 
deny it" 



KOYAL. 31 



KINGS OF ENGLAND. 

Richard II. 

104. Richard II. on the pope reclaiming, as a son 
of the church, a bishop whom he had taken prisoner 
in battle, sent him the prelate's coat of mail, and in 
the words of scripture asked him, " Know now whe- 
ther this be thy son's coat or not?" 

Henry TIL 

105. The Irish, being much oppressed and injured 
by the Earl of Kildare, during the reign of our 
seventh Henry, exhibited several articles of com- 
plaint against him to the king, concluding their in- 
formation with these words : All Ireland cannot rule 
this earl. " Why then, 7 * said the king, " he is the fittest 
man to rule all Ireland;" and be accordingly ap- 
pointed him lord lieutenant. 

Henry VIII. 

106. King Henry VIII. hunting in Windsor forest, 
struck down, about dinner-time, to the abbey of 
Reading, where, disguising himself as one of the 
royal guards, he was invited to the abbot's table. A 
sirloin of beef was set before him (so knighted, 
says tradition, by the same monarch), on which 
he laid to as lustily as any leef-eater. " Well far© 
thy heart/' quoth the abbot, " and here in a cup of 
sack I remember the health of his grace, your mas- 
ter. I would give a hundred pounds could I feed as 
heartily on beef as you do. Alas ! my poor queazy 
stomach will scarcely digest the wing of a chicken.'* 
The king heartily pledged him, thanked him for his 
good cheer, and after dinner departed undiscovered. 
Shortly after, the abbot was sent for by a pursuivant, 
brought up to the Tower, kept a close prisoner, and 
fed on bread and water, terrified all the time at his 
situation. At last, a sirloin of beef was set bejfore 



82 ROYAL. 

him, on which his empty stomach made him feed 
most voraciously. In the midst of his repast, he was 
astonished at seeing the king come from a private 
closet, where he had placed himself to be an invisible 
spectator of the scene. " My lord/ 7 quoth he, " in- 
stantly deposit your hundred pounds, or else no 
going hence all the days of your life. I have been 
your physician to cure you of your queasy sto- 
mach ; and here, as I deserve it, I demand my 
fee." The abbot paid the money, glad to escape so 
easily. 

James I. 

107. Among the addresses presented upon the ac-r 
cession of James the First, was one from the ancient 
town of Shrewsbury, wishing his majesty might 
reign as long as the sun, moon, and stars endured. 
" Faith, mon/' said the king to the person who pre-? 
sented it, " if I do, my son must reign by candle- 
light." 

108. When the same monarch went to Salisbury, 
one of the active adventurers of those days climbed 
up the outside of the spire of the cathedral, and at 
the top made three summersets in honour of his 
majesty; who, being applied to for a reward, grve 
him a patent, whereby every other of his subjects, ex- 
cept the aforesaid man, and his heirs male, was pro- 
hibited from climbing steeples for ever. 

109. Elizabeth* Weston, a young girl, was pre- 
sented to this monarch, as an English prodigy, be- 
cause she was deeply learned. The person who in- 
troduced her, boasted of her proficiency in ancient 
languages. " I can assure your majesty," said he, 
" that she can both speak and write Latin, Greek, 
and Hebrew." — " These are rare attainments for a 
damsel," said James ; " but pray tell me, can she 
spin V 



BOYAL. $3 

ilO, King James I. mounting a horse that was 
unruly, cried, " Hie de'il tak my soul, sirrah, an ye 
be na quiet, I'll send you to the Five Hundred Kings 
in the House o' Commons. They'll sune tame ye* ? 

111. A very abusive satirical libel, in versa, 
against James I. and some of the nobility and gtentry 
being brought to his majesty, he desired to hear it 
read : in a short time, he shewed evident marks of 
discomposure ; but, as the reader proceeded, the 
strokes becoming more acute, the king often ex- 
claimed, " That, were there no more men in Eng- 
land, the rogue should hang for it f but coming to 
the two concluding lines — 

" Now God preserve the king, the queen, arid peers 3 
" And grant the author long may wear his ears V 

they pleased the king so well, that he broke out into a 
fit of laughter, and said, " By my saul ! and so thou shalt 
for me ; for though a bitttr, thou art a very witty knave. 77 

112. King James I. in his progress into England, 
was entertained at Lumley Castle, the seat of the 
Earl of Scarborough. A relation of the noble earl 
was veiy proud in shewing and explaining to his ma- 
jesty an immense large genealogical line of the fa- 
mily, the pedigree of which he carried back rather 
farther than the greatest strength of credulity will 
allow. " In gude faith, mon," says the king, " it may 
be they are very true, but I did na ken before that 
Adam's name was Lumley." 

Charles II. 

113. Penn, the celebrated founder and legislator 
of the colony of Pennsylvania, had both great and 
amiable qualities, and was no stranger to the essen- 
tials of good-breeding, though he was too stubborn 
to yield to the forms of it. He had, or affected to 
have, all the spirit of the hat; which availed him 



. 



34 ROYAL. 

much, as the Jeader of a people who made it a part 
of their religion. He sat with his hat on before 
Charles II. ; and the king, as a gentle rebuke 
for his ill manners, put oft his own. Upon which 
Penn said to him, " Friend Charles, why dost thou 
not keep on thy hat?" The king answered, " It is 
the custom of this place, that never above one person 
should be covered at a time." 

114. King Charles II. asked Stillingfleet, how it 
came about, that he always read his sermons before 
Iiim, when he was informed he always preached with- 
out book elsewhere. He told the king, that the awe 
of so noble an audience, where he saw nothing that 
was not greatly superior to him, but chiefly the 
seeing before him so great and wise a prince, made 
him afraid to trust himself; with which answer the 
Icing was very well contented. " But pray," says 
Stillingfleet, " will your majesty give me leave to 
ask you a question too? Why do you read your 
speeches to the parliament, when you can have none 
of the same reasons ?" — " Why truly, doctor," says 
the king, " your question is a very pertinent one, and 
so will be my answer. I have asked them so often, 
and for so much, that I am ashamed to look them in 
the face," 

115. A lord mayor, waiting upon King Charles the 
Second, who happened to be in the park feeding the 
ducks, with his hat in his hand, the mayor desired he 
might not speak till his majesty was covered :— 
" Phoo, phoo !" says the king ; " you may go on very 
safely, 'tis to the ducks I puil my hat off." 

116. Lord Rochester said of Charles II. that " lie 
never said a foolish thing, and never did a wise one." 
When the king was informed of this tart speech, 
which certainly conveyed tolerably just ideas of his 
character, he observed, that the reason of the differ- 



ROYAL. 35 

enee was this, " My conversation is my own, but my 
actions are my ministers," 

117. Gregorio Leti, a native of Milan, came to 
England In the reign of Charles II. and was pro- 
mised to be made historiographer to the king ; but, 
not .giving satisfaction, had orders to retire. Being 
one day at the levee, Charles, turning towards him, 
said, " Leti, I hear you are writing anecdotes of the 
English court."" — " Sire " replied the Italian, " I have 
been for some time preparing materials for such a 
work." — " Take care that there be no offence in itj* 
retorted the king. " Sire," replied Left, " I will be 
careful as possible ; but unless a man were as wise 
as Solomon, he could not write anecdotes without 
giving some offence." — " Why then," answered the. 
monarch, " cannot you be as wise as Solomon, write 
proverbs, and let anecdotes alone ?" 

118. The licentiousness and thoughtlessness of 
our second Charles have become proverbial, and his 
good nature, which qualifies these, but ill atones for 
his ingratitude to those who suffered forfeiture and 
persecution in his cause. When he remained in 
Scotland, suffering the rebuke and censure of austere 
Presbyterianism, before the battle of Worcester, his 
chief confident and associate was the Laird of Cock- 
pen, called by the nick-naining manners of those 
times, " Ely the Cockpen." He followed Charles to 
the Hague, and by his skill in playing Scottish tunes, 
and his sagacity and wit, much delighted his merry 
monarch. Charles's favourite tune was u Brose and 
Butter." It was played to him when he went to 
bed, and he was awakened by it. At the Restora- 
tion, however, Blythe Cockpen was forgotten, and 
he wandered upon the lands, which he once owned in 
Scotland, poor and unfriended. He wrote to court, 
but his letters were never presented, or were not re- 
garded. Wearied and incensed, he travelled to 



56 HOYAL. 

London, and placed himself in all public placed, 
thinking the eye of his majesty might reach Mm. 
But he was never noticed, and his mean garb did 
not suit the rick and embroidered doublets of court, 
so he was insulted and pushed away from approach- 
ing the king's presence. At length he attempted by 
cunning what he could not accomplish by plain 
dealing ; he ingratiated himself with the king's or- 
ganist, wha was so enraptured with Cockpen's wit 
and powers of music, that he requested him to play 
on the organ before the king at divine service. He 
accordingly played with exquisite skill, yet never 
attracted his majesty's eye. But at the close of the 
service, instead of playing the common tune used, 
he played up " Brose and Butter/' with all its energy 
and characteristic merriment. In a moment the 
astonished organist was ordered into the king's pre- 
sence. " My liege, it was not me ! it was not me V 7 
he cried, and dropped upon his knees. M You!" 
cried his majesty, in a delirium of rapture, " you 
could never play it in your life— rwhere's the man? 
let me see him." Cockpen presented himself on his 
knee. " Ah, Cockpen, is that you ? — Lord, man, I 
was like to dance coming out of the church !" — " I 
once danced too," said Cockpen, (i but that was when 
I had land of my own to dance on." — " Come with 
me," said Charles, taking him by the hand,* " you 
shall dance to Brose and Butter on your own lands 
again to the nineteenth generation;" and he was as 
good as his promise. 

119. The second Charles, at his levee, having 
asked how an envoy, that had been sent to a countiy 
not in the most civilized state, had fared, and being 
informed that he had been well roasted there, the fa- 
cetious monarch replied, " I'll take care how I send 
them a raw ambassador again." 

123. When Charles II. was on a progress through 



ROYAL. 37 

his dominions, he was waited upon by the magistracy 
of a certain city in the north of England. The mayor 
had prepared, with no little study, a splendid oration 
for so memorable an occasion ; but, on kneeling down 
to deliver his address, the worthy magistrate, who 
was excessively fat, commenced bv 'dfeu-ejoye of 
rather a singular nature. Whether he deemed such 
an expression of loyalty tantamount to a royal salute 
of the prose nt day history is silent : certain, how- 
ever, it is, that he felt greatly embarrassed, and blun- 
dered his oration most woefully. " I have, please 
your majesty, begun at the wrong end," cried the 
good mayor, endeavouring to apologize for the inco- 
herency of his speech. " So I remarked," replied the 
facetious monarch, " but I fear the mistake can't now 
be corrected. Rise up, Sir Walter Camion." 

121. Charles II. was frequently ridiculed by the wits 
of the time by the nickname of Old Rowley, an ill- 
favoured stallion kept in the king's mews, and very 
remarkable for being the sire of many tine colts. Mrs, 
Holford, a young lady much admired by Charles, was 
one day singing a satirical ballad on Old Rowley the 
King, when his majesty knocked at the door of her 
chamber. Upon her asking who was there ? the king, 
with his usual good humour, replied, " Old Rowley 
himself, madam." 

122. Charles II. having walked into St. James's 
Park, without guards or attendants, a few days after 
the Rye-House Plot, the Duke of York, his brother, 
remonstrated with him on the imprudence of such 
conduct. " Take care of yourself, brother James," 
replied Charles : " don't be at all uneasy on my ac- 
count ; for no man will ever kill me, to make you 
king." 

123. This facetious monarch, being prevailed upon, 
by one of his courtiers, to knight a very worthless 

i 



3$ ROYAL. 

fellow, and of mean aspect ; when he was going to 
lay the sword upon his shoulder, our new knight 
drew back, and hung down his head, as if out of 
countenance. " Don't be ashamed," said the king, 
*' 'tis I who have the most reason to be so/' 

James II. 

124. When intelligence of the courtiers of the un- 
fortunate James II. having successively deserted 
their monarch, was conveyed to his son-in-law, 
Prince George of Denmark, his constant exclama- 
tion was — " Est il possible? In process of time, 
however, the prince found it convenient to desert 
himself; and, when the news of his defection was 
taken to the king, he exclaimed, with a degree of 
wit which seldom marked his conversation — " What, 
Est il possible, gone too !" 

125. A gentleman arriving at St. Germain's, where 
King James II. kept Ins court, went to wait upon 
him; whereupon the king demanded what news 
from England. " None very good, sir." — " Well, 
but how stands my interest there ?" says the king. 
" Why truly, sir," answered the gentleman, " it is 
very considerable among the ladies, for I believe all 
the women of easy virtue are for your majesty." — 
" Ay," says King James, " and if all the men of easy 
virtue there, were for me too, I should soon be in the 
palace at Whitehall." 

George I. 

126. Mr. had killed a man very basely, and 

Judge Dormer, whose sister he had married, went to 
King George I. to petition for him ; allowing, how- 
ever, that nothing conld be urged in alleviation of 
his crime, but that he hoped his majesty would save 
him and his family from the infamy his execution 
would bring upon them. " So, Mr. Justice," said the 
king, u what you purpose to me is, that I should 



HO^AX. 39 

transfer the infamy from you and your family, to me 
and my family ; but I shall do no such thing." 

George II. 

127. At the first masquerade which George the Se- 
cond honoured with his presence in England, a lady 
invited him to drink a glass of wine at one of the beau- 
fets. With this he readily complied : and the lady, 
filling a bumper, said, " Here, mask, the Pretenders 
health ;" then filling another glass, she presented it to 
the king, who, receiving it with a smile, replied, " I 
drink with all my heart to the health of all unfortunate 
princes." 

128. Lord P. begged Lord Albemarle to solicit 
George II. for a green riband. His lordship ac- 
cordingly took an early opportunity of making the re- 
quest. " What, give him a riband I" says his ma- 
jesty, " a fellow that has always been voting against 
the court ; how could you ask it ?" — " Sire," says Al- 
bemarle, " he means to be more grateful for your 
majesty's favour in future." — " Well, well, I don't 
care for that ; he's a puppy, a mere puppy, and shall 
not get it." Having said this, the king was turning 
to go away, when Albemarle asked him what answer 
he should return to Lord P. " Tell him he's a 
puppy." — " Well, but sire, admitting this, he's a 
puppy sincerely inclined to follow his master." — 
" Aye," says the king, " are you sure of that ?" — 
" Perfectly so, sire." — u Why then, let the puppy have 
Ms collar" 

George III. 

129. The king, in one of his morning rides, no- 
ticed Mr. Blanehard's pretty house on Richmond 
Hill; and, being told it belonged to a card-maker, he 
observed, "What! what! what! a card-maker ! all 
his cards must have turned up trumps" 

E 2 



40 ROYAL. 

130. The same great personage finding fault with 
a carpenter whose work had shrunk, the carpenter 
expressed his concern, and declared that he would 
not have had such a thing happen for a good deal. 
" Good deal/' replied his majesty ; " if 1 were a car- 
penter, 1 would not have had it happen for a whole 
timber yard" 

131. The day before Dr. Dodd's trial, the king was 
expressing his doubts, about his criminality, to Lord 

M , who replied, lhat he would surfer himself to 

be hanged at the top of the Monument, if he was not 
found guilt} . " Then, my lord," retorted his majesty, 
" your enemies, if the culprit should be acquitted, 
would have the satisfaction of literally seeing you 
lord chief justice in air" — (Eyre). 

132. The king was asked one day by Lord North, 
at a levee, when he had seen the old Dutchess of 
Bedford, who was well known to use an uncommon 
quantity of paint, to which his majesty replied — He 
had not seen her face, nor had any other person, he 
believed, for more than twenty years past. 

133. The king being told that Lord L , who 

had made one unfortunate match, was just married 

to Lady Mary H , observed, that his lordship was 

in a fair way to double Cape Horn* 

134. The latter end of March, 1781, Lord Bate- 
inan waited upon the king, and, with a very low bow, 
begged to know at what hour his majesty would 
please to have the stag hounds turned out. " I cannot 
exactly answer that," replied the king, " but I can 
inform you, that your lordship was turned out about 
two hours ago." The Marquis Caermarthen sue-* 
ceeded Mm. 



ROYAL. 41 



KINGS OF FRANCE. 

Louis IX. 

135. Louis IX. hearing that Nicholas Raulin, chan- 
cellor of the province of Burgundy, who was a mosi 
notorious extortioner and usurer, had in his latter 
days founded an hospital for indigent persons, ob- 
served, that it was but hardly an act of justice, in 
a man who had reduced so many to poverty, at least 
to provide them with lodgings. 

Louis XI. 

136. Louis XI. when young, used to visit a pea- 
sant, whose garden produced excellent fruit. Soon 
after he ascended the throne, this peasant waited on 
him with his little present, a turnip of an extraordi- 
nary size, the produce of his own garden. The king, 
smiling, remembered the hours of pleasure he had 
passed with him, and ordered a thousand crowns to 
be given to him. The lord of the village hearing this 
liberality, thought within himself: " If this peasant 
have a thousand crowns for a turnip, I have only to 
present his majesty with a handsome horse, and my 
fortune is made." Arriving at court, he requested 
the king's acceptance of a beautiful courser, which 
he took with him. Louis highly praised the steed, 
and the donor's expectations were raised to the ut- 
most, when the king exclaimed, " Bring me my 
turnip !" and added, as he presented it to the noble- 
man, " There, this cost me a thousand crowns, I 
give it you in return for your horse/' 

137. Louis XI. not only invited the lords of his 
court to eat with him, in order to attach them the 
more strongly to him, but even strangers. A mer- 
chant, named Master John, flattered by this dis- 
tinction, determined to ask of him letters of nobility ; 
the king granted them, but from that time took no 

E 3 



42 .ROYAL. 

farther notice of him. Master John testified his sur- 
prise. (i Go, master gentleman," said Louis to him, 
" when I made you sit at my table, I looked upon 
you as the first of your class ; you arc now the last ; 
and it would be an injury to others if I still did you 
the same favour." 

Henry IV. 

138. Henry IV. said to a Spanish ambassador, " If 
the king your master continues his aggressions, I am 
resolved to take up arms, and I shall soon reach Ma^- 
drid." — " So you may, sir," said the ambassador; 
" but recollect, that Francis I. was there before you." 
— " For that very reason/' retorted Henfcy, u I will 
go there, to avenge his wrongs and my own." 

139. The town of Chartres was besieged by this 
prince, and capitulated. The magistrate of the 
town, on giving up the keys, addressed his majesty 
in the following terms: " This town belongs to your 
highness by divine law and by human law." — " And 
by cannon law," replied the king, pushing forward at 
the head of his troops, 

140. When Henry IV. and his mother heard that 
James I. was called Solomon by his courtiers, Henry 
laughed, and said, " I cannot imagine why they call 
James, Solomon, unless it is because he is the son of 
David," — meaning David Rizzio. 

141. The deputies of Rochelle attending to speak 
with Henry IV. of France, met with a physician, who 
had renounced the Protestant religion, and embraced 
the Popish communion, whom they began to revile. 
The king hearing of it, told the deputies he would 
advise them to change their religion too : " For it is 
a dangerous symptom," said he, " that your religion 
is not long-lived, when the physician has given it 
over" 



ROYAL. 43 

142. The Dutchess de la Tremouille, who was a 
Protestant, was one day repeating to Henry IV. of 
France some scandalous reports against one of the 
fathers, whom he patronized ; upon which he sar- 
castically replied, " Madam, do but observe the spirit 
of your religion ; it prevents you from believing m the 
pope, at Ihe same time that it inclines 3 ou to believe a 
calumny" 

143. Henry IV. of France, reading the following 
ostentatious inscription on the monument of a Spanish 
officer: " Here lies the body of Don, &c. &c. who 
never knew what fear was/' — " Then," said the king, 
" he never snuffed a candle with his fingers/' 

144. As this monarch was passing near the Thuil- 
leries with his whole court, he met a woman driving 
a cow. li What will you take for your cow, gossip V 9 
said the king, in a seiious tone She told him the 
price. " You ask me too much," said he, rf she is 
not worth that." — " Tso: but you do not understand 
these matters, my good sir," said the woman, " you 
are not a cow-merchant." — " You are mistaken, 
goody," replied the king, " don't you see all the calves 
that are following me ?" 

145. The mayor of a town in Burgundy, hearing 
that this prince was to pass that way, and thinking 
himself to be a great orator, determined to display 
his abilities on this occasion. When the prince ap- 
proached, the burghers were put under arms ; whilst 
the mayor, at the head of the corporation, pulling out 
a long piece of parchment, began to harangue as fol- 
lows : " Of all the towns that have the honour of 
being within the compass of } our most serene high- 
ness's government, the very least would be overjoyed 
to make you sensible, that none has so a great a zeal 
for your service, or aifection for your person, as cur's. 
We very well know, that the certain way of pleasing 



44 ROYAL* 

the greatest warrior of the present age, is to receive 
him with the thunderings of numerous artillery ; but 
for us, alas ! it was impossible to fire one cannon, for 
eighteen reasons. The first is, that there never was 
any such thing as a cannon in this place, since it was 

built. The second " — " Hold, hold," says the 

king : " I am so well satisfied with this reason, that 
1 shall excuse all the rest." 

146. Henry IV. of France, being on a journey 
through some part of his dominions, was, on his en- 
trance into a particular town, met by the mayor and 
municipal officers, when the mayor addressed his ma- 
jesty in a speech, which, if not very brilliant, was 
sufficiently tedious. In the midst of the harangue, 
an ass fell a braying, when the king said, Chacim 
a son tour, sil vous plait, messieurs — u Every one in 
his turn, if you please, gentlemen/' 

147. A French officer, who had served under 
Henry IV. not having received any pay for a consi- 
derable time, came to the king, and confidently said 
to him, " Sire, three words with your majesty, mo- 
ney, or discharge" — " Four with you," answered the 
king, " neither one nor t'other" 

148. The Spanish ambassador at the court of 
Henry IV. of France was one day inquiring of him 
the character of his ministers. — " You shall see what 
they are in a minute," said the monarch. On seeing 
M. de Sillcri, the chancellor, come into the drawing- 
room, he said to him, " Sir, I am very uneasy at a 
beam that is good for nothing, and which seems to 
threaten to fall upon my head." — " Sire," replied 
Silleri, " you should consult your architect; let every 
thing be well examined, and let him go to work." 
Henry next saw M. de Villeroi, to whom he spoke 
as he did to Silleri. " Sire," replied Villeroi, with- 
out looking at the beam, " you are very right; 






ROYAL. 45 

the beam is very dangerous indeed." At last 
the President Jeannin came in, to whom Henry 
made a similar address as to the former ministers. 
" Sire/' said the president, 4 M do not know what 
yon mean. The beam is a very good one/' — " But/' 
replied the king, " do not I see the light through the 
crevices, or is my head disordered V — " Go, go, Sire/' 
returned Jeannin, k< be quite at your ease, the beam 
will las\ as long as you will/' Then turning to the 
Spanish minister, Henry observed to him, " Now I 
think you are well acquainted with the characters of 
my three ministers : the chancellor has no opinion at 
all; VHJeioi is always of my opinion ; and Jeannin 
speaks as he really thinks, and always thinks properly." 

Louis Xlf. 

149. Louis XII. being one day desired by some of 
his courtiers, who thought their own lives in danger, 
not to expose his sacred person so much in an en- 
gagement, exclaimed, " Let all those who are afraid 
stand behind me." 

150. When Moliere, the comic poet, died, the 
Archbishop of Paris would not let his body be bu- 
ried in consecrated ground. The king, being in- 
formed of this, sent fol the archbishop, and expostu- 
lated with him about it ; but finding the prelate in- 
flexibly obstinate, his majesty asked, how many feet 
deep the consecrated ground reached? This ques- 
tion coming by surprise, the archbishop replied, 
about eight '• Well," answered the king, " 1 find 
there's no getting the better of your scruples ■ there- 
fore let his grave be dug twelve feet deep, that's four 
below your consecrated ground, and let him be bu- 
ried there." 



151. Some one said to Sir Charles Hanbury Wil- 
liams, who had been minister at several courts, what 



46 ROYAL. 

a happy man he must have been to have conversed 
with so many crowned heads. " Faith," replied he, 
4 * I never could find that out ; they were the dullest 
company I ever kept." 

The Emperor Augustus. 

152. Augustus, having heard of a countryman who 
lived at a distance from Rome, so like himself, that 
their faces were scarcely distinguishable, was cu- 
rious to see him. Being brought into his presence, 
the emperor, among other things, jocularly asked 
whether his mother ever used to go to Rome, " No/' 
answered he, " but my father did/' 

153. A Greek poet used often to present verses to 
Augustus, in hope of reward. The emperor wrote an 
epigram, and gave it to the poet as a reward m kind. 
The man read it with high applause ; and, pulling 
out a few denarii, gave them to Augustus; " If I 
had more, you should have more, said he. Great 
laughter arising, the emperor ordered a sum to be 
given to the poet, worthy of himself. 

KINGS OF ENGLAND. 

James 1. 

154. James I. being one day at play with a fellow 
pupil, his tutor, Buchanan, who was reading, de- 
sired them to make less noise. Finding that they 
disregarded his admonition, he told his majesty, if 
he did not hold his tongue, he would certainly whip 
him. The king, alluding to the fable, replied, he 
would be glad to see who would hell the eat: Bu- 
chanan, in a passion, threw the book from him, and 
inflicted on his majesty a sound flogging. The old 
Countess of Mar rushed into the room, and, taking 
the king in her arms, asked how he dared to lay his 
hands on the Lord's anointed, " Madam/' replied 
the elegant and immortal historian, " I have whipped 



ROYAL. 47 

his bottom : you may kiss it, if you please/' When 
Buchanan was asked how he came to make a pedant 
of his royal pupil, he answered — He thought he did a 
great deal to make any thing of him. 

155. King James I. gave all manner of liberty and 
encouragement to the exercise of buffoonery, and 
took great delight in it himself. Happening once 
to bear somewhat hard on one of his Scotch courtiers, 
" By my saul," returned the peer, " he that made 
your majestya king, spoiled the best fool in Christen- 
dom/' 

156. This pedantic monarch was a great enemy to 
tobacco, and he carried his antipathy against it so 
far, as to write a learned treatise to explode it from 
his dominions. Amongst the witty apophthegms of 
that sagacious prince, it was said, u That tobacco 
was the lively image and pattern of hell ; for that it 
had, by allusion, in it all the parts and vices of the 
world, whereby hell may be gained ; to wit, first, it 
was a smoke ; so are all the vanities of this world. 
Secondly, it delighteth them who take it ; so do all 
the pleasures of the world delight the men of the 
world. Thirdly, it maketh men drunken and light 
in the head ; so do all the vanities of the world ; men 
are drunken therewith. Fourthly,, he that taketh 
tobacco, saith he cannot leave it, it doth bewitch 

. him ; even so the pleasures of the world make men 
loath to leave them, they are for the most part so 
enchanted with them. And further, besides ail this, 
it is like hell in the very substance of it ; for it is a 
stinking, loathing thing; and so is hell. And far- 
ther, his majesty professed, that were he to invite the 
devil to a dinner, he should have three dishes ; first, a 
pig; second, a poll of ling and mustard; and a thirds 
a pipe of tobacco for digesture." 

157. There was one Ferguson, an intimate friend 



48 XtOYAL; 

of King James I. who, being about the same age, 
had been a play-fellow with him when they were 
young, came with him into England, and extending 
the rights of friendship too far, frequently took the 
liberty of advising, and sometimes admonishing, or 
rather reproving, his sovereign. He was a man truly 
honest ; his counsels were disinterested as to any 
-view of himself, having a patrimom of his own. The 
king was however often vexed with his freedoms, 
and at length said to him, between jest and earnest, 
" Yon are perpetually censuring my conduct ; I'll 
make you a king some time or other, and try." Ac^ 
cordingly one day, the court being very jovial, it 
came into his majesty's head to execute this project; 
and so, calling lerguson, he ordered him into the 
chair of state, bidding him " there play the king," 
while on his part he would personate " Johnny Fer- 
guson/' This farce was in the beginning very agree- 
able to the whole company. The mock sovereign 
put on the airs of royalty, and talked to those about 
him in a strain like that of the real one, onty with less 
pedantry. They were infinitely pleased with the 
joke, and it was a perfect comedy, till +he unlucky 
knave turned the tables, and came all of a sudden to 
moralize on the vanity of honour, wealth, and plea- 
sure; to talk of the insincerity, venality, and corrup- 
tion of courtiers and servants of the crown; how 
entirely they had their own interests at heart, and 
how generally their pretended zeal and assiduity 
were the disguise of falsehood and flattery. This 
discourse made a change in some of their coun- 
tenances, and even the real monarch did not relish 
it altogether; he was afraid it might have some effect 
on his minions, and lessen the tribute of adulation they 
were used to offer with great profusion, when they 
found how this wag observed and animadverted 
upon it. But the monitor did not stop here; he 
levelled a particular satire at the king, which put an 
end to the entertainment, and made his majesty re- 



ROYAL. 49 

pent of his introducing it, some foreigners of distinc- 
tion being present; for it painted him in his true co- 
lours, as one that never " loved a wise man, nor re- 
warded an honest one," unless they sacrificed to his 
vanity ; while he loaded those, who prostituted them- 
selves to his will, with wealth and honours. For the 
mimic, pointing directly to James, who was to per- 
sonate Ferguson, raising his voice — " There," said 
he, " stands a man whom I would have you to imi- 
tate. The honest creature was the comrade of my 
childhood, and regards me with a most cordial affec- 
tion to this very moment ; he has testified his friend- 
ship by all the means in his power; studying my 
Welfare, guarding me from evil counsellors, prompt- 
ing me to princely actions, and warning me of every 
danger; for all which, however, he never asked me 
any thing ; and by Jove, though I squandered thou- 
sands upon thousands on several of you, yet in the 
whole course of my life 1 never gave him a farthing." 
The king, nettled by this sarcasm, cried out to Fer- 
guson, " Pugh! you pawky loun, what you be at! 
awa', aif my throne, and let's hae na ; mair o ? your 
nonsense." 

158. King James said to Mr. Clifton one day, " I 
do not know how it is, but I never knew a modest 
man make his w r ay at court." — u Please your ma- 
jesty," asked Clifton, " whose fault is that ?" 

Charles II. 

159. Charles the Second once said to the Earl of 
Shaftesbury, " Odds fish, man! thou art the wittiest 
and wickedest fellow 1 in my dominions." To this 
compliment the other replied with a bow, " Of a 
subject, sir, I believe I am." 

160. Thomas Killigrew was page of honour to 
Charles I. and gentleman of the bed-chamber to 
Charles II. who, in 1651, appointed him his resident 

F 



SO ROYAL. 

at Venice. He was a man of wit and humour, and 
frequently entertained the king with his drollery. 
As Charles was wholly engrossed by his pleasures, 
and was frequently in his mistress's apartment when 
he should have been at the council board, Killigrew 
used the following expedient to admonish him of his 
extreme negligence in regard to the affairs of the 
kingdom. He dressed himself in a pilgrim's habit, 
went into the king's chamber, and told him that he 
hated himself and the world, that he was resolved 
immediately to leave it, and was then entering upon 
a pilgrimage to hell. The king asked him what he 
purposed to do there. He said, " To speak to the 
devil to send Oliver Cromwell to take care of the 
government, as he had observed, with regret, that 
his successor was always employed in other bu- 
siness." 

161. No prince was more addressed than Charles 
II. ; but the very people who sent these generous, 
nay extravagant offers, scarcely allowed him the ne- 
cessary supplies. Killigrew gave private orders to 
the king's tailor to make one of his majesty's coafc- 
pockets of an enormous size, and the other scarcely 
larger than a thimble. The king, being informed 
that this was done at the desire of Killigrew, asked 
him the reason. " May it please your majesty," re- 
plied the wag, " the large pocket is to receive the 
addresses and professions of your subjects ; and the 
other is to put the money in, which they present you 
with." 

162. King Charles II. being in company with 
Lord Rochester, and others of the nobility, who had 
been drinking the best part of the night, Killigrew 
came in. " Now," says the king, " we shall hear of 
our faults : «* No, faith," says Killigrew, " 1 don 1 
care to trouble my head with that which all the towa 
talks of." 



KOYAL. 51 

James II. 
163. The Duke of York, afterwards James II. 
once visited Milton; they talked together for some 
time, and, in the course of their conversation, the 
duke asked Milton, whether he did not think the loss 
of his sight was a judgment upon him for what he had 
written against Charles the First, the duke's father. 
Milton's reply was to this effect: — " If your highness 
thinks that the calamities which befal us here are 
indications of the wrath of Heaven, in what manner 
are we to account for the fate of the late king him- 
self? The displeasure of Heaven must, upon this 
supposition, have been much greater against him than 
against me ; for I have only lost my eyes, but he lost 
his he ad." 

161. King James II. having a wish to converse 
with Waller, the poet, sent for him one afternoon, 
and took him into his closet, where was a very fine 
picture of the Princess of Orange. The king asked 
him his opinion of the picture, on which Waller said, 
he thought it extremely like the greatest woman that 
ever lived in the world. ■* Whom do you call so f 9 
said the king. " Queen Elizabeth," replied the 
other. " I wonder, Mr. Waller/' said the king, 
" that you should think so ; for she owed all her 
greatness to her council, and that indeed it must be 
admitted was a wise one." — " And pray, sir," said 
Waller, tw did xovk majesty ever know a fool choose 
a wise council ?" 

William III. 

165. King William being once extremely em- 
barrassed about a matter of state, was advised to 
consult Sir Isaac Newton. " New ton/' replied he, 
" Newton ! why he is nothing but a philosopher" 

166. King William III. was passionately fond of 
hunting, and he made it a point never to be outdone 

F 2 



( Z ROYAL. 

in any leap, however perilous. A certain Mr. Cherry, 
who was devoted to the exiled family, took occasion 
of this, to form perhaps the most pardonable design 
which was ever laid against a king's life. He re- 
gularly joined the royal hounds, put himself fore- 
most, and took the most desperate leaps, in hops 
that William might break his neck in following him. 
One day, however, he accomplished one so immi- 
nently dangerous, that the king, when he came to the 
spot, shook his head and drew back. 

George IJ. 
167. Soon after Lord Chesterfield came into the 
privy council, a place of great trust happened to be- 
come vacant, to which his majesty (George II.) and 
the Duke of Dorset recommended two different per- 
sons. M ne king espoused the interest of his friend 
with some heat, and told them he would be obeyed ; 
but, not being able to carry his point, he left the 
council-chamber in great displeasure. As soon as 
he retired, the matter was warmly debated, but at 
length carried against the king ; because, if they 
once gave him his way, he would expect it again, 
and it would at length become a precedent. How- 
ever, in the humour the king then was, a question 
arose concerning who should carry the grant of the 
oihce for the royal signature, and the lot fell upon 
Chesterfield. His lordship expected to find his so- 
vereign in a very unfavourable mood, and he was 
not disappointed ; he therefore prudently forbore 
incensing him by an abrupt request, and instead of 
bluntly asking him to sign the instrument, very sub- 
missively requested to know whose name his majesty 
would have inserted to fill up the blanks. The king 
answered in a passion, the devil% if you will. " Very 
well," replied the earl ; ^ but would your majesty 
have the instrument run in the usual style — Our trusty 
and well-beloved courin and counsellor?" The monarch 
laughed and signed the paper. 



ROYAL. 53 

168. George the Second, who was fond of Whis- 
tou, one day during his persecution said to him, that 
however right he might be in his opinions, he had 
Letter suppress them. " Had Martin Luther done 
so," replied the philosopher, " your majesty would 
not have been on the throne of England." 

169. When Hogarth had finished his print of 
u The March of the Guards to I inehley Common," 
he proposed dedicating it to the king, and for that 
purpose went to court to be introduced. Previous 
to his majesty's appearance, Hogarth was spied by 
some of the courtiers, who, guessing his business, 
begged to have a peep ; he complied, and received 
much laughter and commendation. Soon after, how- 
ever, the king entered the drawing-room, when Ho- 
garth presented his print ; but no sooner had the 
monarch thrown his eyes upon it, than he exclaimed, 
u Dendermons and death, you Hogarth, what you 
mean to abuse my soldier for?' In vain the other 
pleaded his attachment to the army in general, and 
that this was only a laugh at the expense of the dis- 
solute and idle. His majesty could not be con- 
vinced, till the late Lord Ligonier told him, " He 
was sure Mr. Hogarth did not mean to pay any dis- 
respect to the army." This, however, but half paci- 
fied him ; for holding up the print hastily, he care- 
lessly handed it to one 'of the lords in waiting, and 
desired him to let the artist have two guineas. Ho- 
garth took the money, as the etiquette, as well as the 
practice of courts, is not to refuse any thing, but de- 
dicated his piece to the King of Prussia. 

170. About fifty years ago, some alterations were 
making in a part of Kensington Gardens, and the 
good old George the Second used to take pleasure, 
at times, in overlooking the workmen. Among 
these there chanced to be an half-witted fellow, who 
never, could be brought to comprehend why he might 

F 3 



54 ROY At. 

not be as free with the king as With any other p^feon, 
for whom he had been used to work. One day, 
finding what he thought a proper opportunity, he 
grinned in the face of his sovereign, and with great 
earnestness demanded " something to drink." Dis- 
pleased at the boldness of the request, yet ashamed 
to deny it, the king mechanically employed both his 
hands in search of coin, and finding none, replied, 
with dignity, and his usual German accent, u 1 have 
no motiey in my pockets.' 7 — " Nor I neither/' re- 
turned the idiot ; " 1 can't think where it is all gone, 
for my part !" 

George III. 

171. After Dr. Johnson had been honoured with 
an interview with the king, in the queen's library at 
Buckingham House, he was interrogated by a friend 
concerning his reception, and his opinion of the royal 
intellect. " His majesty," replied the doctor, u seems 
to be possessed of much good-nature and much 
curiosity, and his understanding is far from con- 
temptible. His majesty, indeed, was multifarioui Li 
his questions, but he answered them all himself." 

172. A certain great personage asked a poor fel- 
low who was driving some sheep (and who did not 
know his majesty) how much he expected for the 
sheep per head. " Whoy, seven-and-twenty shil- 
lings, sur." — " Seven-aud-twenty, I can't get more 
than four and-t went) /' said the king; "Then yon 
don't know your business," replied the clown. 

173. The king, shortly after his accession to the 
throne, walking -one morning into his library, found 
one of the under librarians asleep in a chair. With 
that good-tempered condescension and familiarity 
that so much distinguish him, he stepped up s6ftly 
to hi'm, and gave him a slight siap on the cheek ; the 



ROYAL. 55 

sleeper clapt Ms hand on the place instantly, and, 
with his eyes still closed, taking the disturber of his 
nap for his fellow librarian, whose name was George, 
exclaimed, " Hang it, George, let me alone, you are 
always doing one foolish trick or another." 

KINGS OF FRANCE. 

Louis XI. 

174. Louis XI. meeting the Bishop de Chartres 
mounted on a horse magnificently caparisoned, ob- 
served, " Bishops did not travel thus in former ages." 
— " No, sire," answered he, " not when kings were 
shepherd s." 

175. Louis XI. of France, one clay observing 
among the crowd an officer whom he disliked, made 
a private sign to Tristan PHenriette, his grand 
provot, to put him out of the way. Tristan, well 
accustomed to the signal, but, fortunately for the 
officer, mistaking the man alluded to, accosted a 
well-fed monk, who stood in the same line with the 
captain, allured him into the palace-yard, thrust him 
into a sack, and threw him into the Seine. Louis, 
next day hearing that the proscribed officer had been 
seen posting towards Flanders, reproached Tristan 
with neglect. " To Flanders !" said the grand pro- 
vot, " your majesty must be in an error; the monk, 
fat as he was, is got half way to Rouen by this time. 
I sent him adrift, tied up in a sack." — " What 
monk ? Hah ! ma foi" said the king, " you have 
drowned me the best priest in the kingdom ; how- 
ever, it cannot be helped now, so we will have half a 
dozen masses said for the repose of his soul ; but it 
was the dog of a captain, uot the poor monk, that I 
meant.' 7 

176. An astrologer having predicted the death of 
a woman with whom Louis was in love, and which 



Sj6 eoyal. 

the chapter of accidents had been so kind as to vere- 
fy, the prince sent for him, and sternly asked him, 
" You, sir, who fortel every thing, pray when shall 
you die V' The astrologer coolly replied, M I shall 
die, sire, three days before your majesty." This re- 
ply so alarmed the king', that he ordered him to be 
lodged in one of the palaces, and particular care to 
be taken of him. 

Francis I. 

177. A buffoon at the court of Francis I. com- 
plained to the king, that a great lord threatened to 
murder him for uttering some jokes about him. " If 
he does/ 1 said Francis, " he shall be hanged in five 
minutes after." — " I wish," replied the complainant, 
" your majesty would hang him five minutes before." 

178. Francis I. consulting with his generals how 
to lead his army over the Alps into Italy, Amarel his 
fool sprang from a corner, and advised him to consult 
rather — how to lead it back again. 

Henry IV. 

179. Henry IV. of France being out one day 
upon a hunting match, lost his party, and was riding 
alone. Observing a country fellow standing upon a 
gate, apparently on the watch, he asked him what he 
was looking for." — " I am come here," says he, ' ; to 
see the king." — " Get up behind me," replied the 
monarch, " and I will soon conduct you to the place 
where you may see hm." Hodge, without any 
scruple, mounted ; but, as they were riding along, he 
put this sagacious question to his companion: " They 
tell me he's got a number of lords with him — how 
may a body know which is he?" The king replied, 
" That he would be able to distinguish him by 
seeing that all his attendants took off their hats, while 
be himself remained covered." Soon after, they 
joined the hunt, when all the circle, as may well be 



ROYAL. 57 

expected, were greatly surprised to see the king so 
oddly attended. When they were arrived, his ma- 
jesty, turning to the clown, asked him if he could 
tell which was the king. " I don't know," answered 
he, " but faith it must be one of us two, for we've 
both got our hats on." 

180. As the Duke of Sully was going one morning 
into the chamber of Henry IV. of France, he met a 
lady of easy virtue, who he knew had just left the 
apartment of this amorous monarch. When Sully 
came, the king received him with a very serious 
countenance, told him he was very unwell, and 
added, that " for the whole morning he had had a 
fever, which had but just left him."—'* 1 know it has 
left you/' replied the minister, " I know it has left 
you, I just met it going away, ail in green." 

Louis XII. 

181. In the reign of Louis XII. two young men 
of fashion, being at a grand masquerade in Paris, 
recognized his majesty, notwithstanding the disguise 
which he had assumed, walking with his arm round 
the waist of one of his mistresses. Availing them- 
selves of this discovery, one of the young men said to 
the other, " It is intolerably hot in this crowded 
room ; I wish we were in a cooler situation : sup- 
pose we adjourn to the King's Arms?'* — " No," re- 
plied the other, " that will not do, the King's Arms 
are full; but, if you think proper, we will retire to 
the King's Head ; for that, I believe, is quite empty" 

Louis XIII. 

182. A celebrated preacher, making a panegyric 
on Louis XIII. and praising his chastity, gave the 
following example, with all the emphasis of exag- 
geration : " The prince," said he, " playing one day 
at shuttlecock with one of the ladies belonging to the 
court, and the shuttlecock having fallen into her bo- 



5$ ROYAL. 

som, she desired that his majesty would come and 
take it out himself. But what did this chaste prince ? 
To avoid the snare that was laid for him, he took the 
tongs from the chimney corner, and, by means of that 
instrument, prevented the danger to which he would 
otherwise have been exposed from such a tempta- 
tion." 

Louis XIV. 

183. As Louis XIV. was, one severe frosty day, 
travelling from Versailles to Paris, he met a young 
man, very lightly clothed, tripping along in as much 
apparent comfort as if it had been in the midst of 
summer. " How is it," said the king, " that, dressed 
as you are, you seem to feel no inconvenience from 
the cold, while, notwithstanding my warm apparel, I 
cannot keep from shivering ?"— " Sire," replied the 
pedestrian, " if your majesty will follow my example, 
I engage that you will be the warmest monarch in 
Europe." — -" How so?" asked the king. " Your 
majesty," replied he, " need only, like me, carry all 
your wardrobe on your hack" 

184. When Louis XIV. came to the throne, he 
was remarkably obstinate, and it could not be known 
whether he took advice of any one. He had no 
public council, nor any private counsellor. One 
day, being hunting on a very small Brittany bidet, 
Cardinal Mazarin frequently repeated, " What a 
yery strong horse that must be !" — " Why so, my 
good cardinal?" said the king. " Why, sire," an- 
swered his eminence, " it not only carries your ma- 
jesty, but the whole body of your council." From 
that moment the king took the hint, and, of course, 
the advice, and became one of the greatest monarchs 
in the world. 

185. Killigrew, being taken to see the gallery at 
Versailles, was desired to observe particularly a pic- 



HOYAL. 59 

iure of the crucifixion. He was then asked if he 
knew who it represented. Pretending ignorance, he 
said " No/' — " Why/' said the French king, who 
was present, " it is our Saviour on the cross, and the 
picture on the right side is the pope's, and that on 
the left my own/' Whereupon Killigrew replied, 
" I humbl} thank your majesty for your information ; 
J have heard our Saviour was crucified between two 
thieves, but I did not know before who they were" 

186. Louis XIV. being one day a la cliasse (that is 
to say, sitting with his court on chairs in a forest, to 
shoot at the game as it was driven out of the woods 
by the huntsmen, for such was the French style of 
hunting), a nobleman levelled his piece at a deer that 
was driven past them. The king at the same time 
presenting his piece at the deer, the nobleman was 
prevented from tiring, by another, who caiied to him r 
" Arretez, le roi est tirant (tyran)" 

KING OF SPAIN. 

Philip II. 

187. A Spanish ambassador, sent to attend a con- 
gress of different powers, abandoned it, because he 
could not obtain precedence of the French minister. 
On his return to Madrid, he waited on the king, and 
stated the reason of his conduct. " What P said the 
monarch, " could you think of leaving such an im- 
portant business for the sake of a ceremony?" The 
ambassador answered, " A ceremony ! wliat is your 
majesty yourself but a ceremony ?" 

188. A man of fashion, travelling in Spain, was 
shewn the Escurial, and the stupendous convent of 
St. Jerome. The prior told him, that tins building 
was erected in consequence of a vow made by 
Philip, at the battle of St. Quintra, in case he be- 
came victorious. " The king/' replied the traveller 



60 ROYAL. 

drily, looking round the immense edifice, a must 
have been confoundedly frightened." 

KING OF NAPLES. 

Alphonso. 

189. Alphonso, King of Naples, sent a Moor, 
who had been his captive a long time, to Barbary, 
with a considerable sum of money to buy horses, and 
to return by such a time. Now there was about the 
king a kind of buffoon or jester, who had a table- 
book or journal, wherein he used to register anj 
absurdity, or impertinence, or merry passage, that 
happened at court. The day the Moor was dispatch- 
ed for Barbary, this jester waiting upon the king at 
supper, his majesty called for his journal, and asked 
him what he had observed that day? Thereupon he 
produced his table-book, and amongst other things 
he read, how Alphonso, King of Naples, had sent 
Beltram the Moor, who had been a long time his 
prisoner, to Morocco, his own country, with so 
many thousand crowns, to buy horses. The king 
asked him, why he had inserted that ? " Because," 
said he, " I think he will never come to be a pri- 
soner again, and so you have lost both man and 
money." — " But if he do come back, then your jest 
is marr'd," said the king. " No, sir," replied the 
other, " for if he returns I will blot out your name, 
and put him in for a fooL" 

PRINCE OF VERONA. 

190. A prince of Verona, who had taken Dante 
under his protection, after he was driven from his 
own country, observed to him, how strange a custom 
it was for persons of rank to keep a domestic, called 
a fool, on purpose to be laughed at. " The fool/' 
said he, " pleases, and is a great favourite ; but a 
wise man is slighted, and even treated with con- 



ROYAL* 6i 

tempt." — " This custom/* said Dante, " of you meu 
of rank is not strange at all ; for a similitude of mind 
is the basis of friendship/' 

EMPEROR OF GERMANY. 

Charles V. 
191. When Cortez returned to Spain, he was 
coolly received by the emperor, Charles V. One day 
he suddenly presented himself to that monarch ; 
" Who are you ?" said the emperor haughtily. " The 
man/' said Cortez, as haughtily, " who has given 
you more provinces than your ancestors left you 
cities/' 

KING OF PRUSSIA. 

Frederick the Great* 

192. There is a species of retort so far superior to 
the common run of answers, that it may very pro- 
perly lay claim to a higher rank. Of this kind is the 
following : Frederick the Great, King of Prussia, 
asked Sir Robert Sutton, at a review of his tall gre- 
nadiers, " If he thought an equal number of Fmglish- 
men could beat them ?" — " Sir/' replied sir Robert, 
*' I do not venture to assert that ; but I believe half 
the number would try." 

193. Sir Andrew Mitchell, the English resident at 
Berlin, during the second Silesian war, in commu- 
nicating to the King of Prussia the intelligence of 
some advantage obtained over the enemy, made use 
of the following expression: " By the help of God, 
we have gained a victory over the French." — 
" What/' said Frederick, 4i is God one of your al- 
lies, then V — " Certainly," replied the ambassador, 
" and the only one that demands no subsidies from 
us/' 

a 



6£ EOYAL. 

194. Frederick of Prussia, in the midst of his 
greatness, not only condescended to patronise a ma- 
nufactory of china at Berlin, but to share in the 
profits. One day he said to Quintus Iciiius, a colo- 
nel in his army, and the son of a potter in Alagde- 
bourg, " When you give yourself such haughty airs, 
as one of my officers, you surely forget the low oc- 
cupation of your father." — " And you, sire, retorted 
Iciiius, very severely nettled, " when you so far lose 
sight of your royal dignity, as to use such language 
to me, forget that there is but one step between a 
dealer in pottery and a dealer in china/ 7 

195, One day, when the Dutchess of Brunswick 
was at Potsdam, the king presented Count Scherwin, 
his grand equerry, with a gold snuff-box, on the lid 
of which was painted an ass. The count had no 
sooner quitted his majesty than he sent his servant 
to Berlin, had the ass taken out, and the portrait of 
the king put in his place. The next day at dinner, 
the count affected to leave his box carelessly on the 
table, when the king, who wished to amuse the 
dutcliiss at the expence of the grand equerry, spoke 
of the box he had given him. The Dutchess desiring 
to see it, it was handed to her : she opened it, and 
exclaimed, " A perfect ! a most striking likeness ! 
indeed, brother, I have never seen a better por- 
trait of you!" The king was much embarrassed, 
and thought the joke was carried too far. The 
Dutchess gave fhe box to her next neighbour, who 
expressed equal admiration. Thus the box was 
handed round the table, and each expressed his ap- 
probation of the likeness. The king could not con- 
ceive what all this could mean, as he knew nothing 
of the alteration it had received. At length the box 
passed under the king's inspection, when he instant- 
ly perceived the trick, and could not help laughing 
at it. 



ROYAL. Go 

196. The Bishop of Ermeland lost a great portion 
of his revenues, in consequence of the occupation 
of part of Poland by the King of Prussia. Soon after 
this event, in the year 1773, he waited on his majes- 
ty at Potsdam, when the king asked him, if, after 
what had happened, he could still have any friend- 
ship for him? "Sire!" said the prelate, "I shall 
never forget my duty, as a good subject, to my sove- 
reign." — * I am," replied the king, " still your very 
good friend; and likewise presume much on your 
friendship towards me : for, should St. Peter refuse 
my entrance into Paradise, I hope you will have the 
goodness to hide me under your mantle, and take me 
in along with you." — u Sire 1" returned the bishop, 
" that will, I fear, scarcely be possible: your majes- 
ty has cut it too short, to admit of carrying any con^ 
traband goods beneath it," 

197. Frederick, conqueror as he was, sustained a 
severe defeat at Cbslin in the war of 1755. Some 
time after, at a review, he jocosely asked a soldier, 
who had got a deep cut in his cheek, " Friend, at 
what alehouse did you get that scratch ?"— " f got it," 
said the soldier, " at Cbslin, where your majesty paid 
the reckoning." 

198. General Zalremba had a very long Polish 
name ; the King of Prussia had heard of it, and one 
day said to him, " Pray, Zaremba, what is your 
name?" The general told him the whole of it. 
" Heavens !" said the king, " the devil himself has 
not such a name!" — " Why should he ?" replied Zar 
remba, " he is no relation of mine." 

KING OF SAXONY. 

199. Immediately after the Elector of Saxony as- 
sumed the regal title, he commanded his favourite 
orator to preach before him a sermon from the 6th 

G 2 



64 .ROYAL. 

and 7th verses of the twenty-first psalm : " Thou hast 
made him most blessed for ever; thou hast made him 
exceeding glad with thy countenance. For the king 
trusteth in the Lord, and through the mercy of the 
Most High he shall not be removed/' The clergy- 
man, however, having received the order verbally, 
preached from the 6th and 7th verses of the twenty- 
second psalm : "But I am a worm, and no man ; a 
reproach of men, and despised of the people. All 
they that see me laugh me to scorn : they shoot out 
the lip ; they shake the head." 

CZAR OF RUSSIA. 

Peter the Great. 
200. Peter the Great was one day questioning 
some of his ministers, returned from their mission at 
foreign courts, relative to the progress of the young 
gentlemen he had sent abroad for education, to the 
different countries of Europe, and seemed highly 
pleased with the favourable accounts given of them, 
when the conversation was suddenly interrupted by 
de Costa, one of the jesters vociferating from a cor- 
ner of the room, "Peter, you are a fool!" This 
abrupt and singular salutation, drew the emperor's 
attention, who declared that if de Costa could not 
make good his assertion, he should be tossed in. a 
blanket immediately ; and called on him therefore to 
begin. The jester, by no means disconcerted, ad- 
vanced gravely into the middle of the room, where 
there always stood a round table, covered with red 
cloth, containing implements of writing ; and taking 
a sheet of fine paper, doubled it, and, after drawing 
the ivory cutter hard over the ply, bid Peter try to 
take it out. The emperor, with much good humour, 
set about the task assigned him by the jester; but 
after working some time, was obliged to confess him- 
self unable to effect it. " Then," says de Costa, 
tl I hope you now avow yourself the fool, and not 



NOBLE, 05 

me ; so let us change places, for I must be emperor 
in my turn/' However, Peter declared that he still 
did neither understand his claim, nor allegory ; and 
he must explain, or cut capers in the air. " Then," 
says de Costa, ft the moral and meaning- of my folded 
paper is this. You send young men abroad at the 
age of fifteen or sixteen, to acquire foreign instruc- 
tion and manners, to civilize your empire ; but they 
have already taken a ply at home, like my paper, 
which can never be taken out ; so that if you wish, 
O Czar ! to do the work effectually, send children 
abroad for instruction, who are still without impres- 
sions of any kind, and they will facilitate thy la- 
bours." 



CHAP. Ill, 

NOBLE. 

ENGLISH PEERS. 

Villiers, Duke of Buckingham. 

201. A gentleman begging Yilliers, Duke of Buck- 
ingham, to employ his interest for him at court, add- 
ed, that he had nobody to depend on but God and 
his grace, " Then," said the duke, " your condition 
is desperate ; you could not have named any two 
who have less interest at court." 

202. Father Petre endeavoured to convert the 
Duke of Buckingham. " Out of our church," says 
the priest, "none can be saved."— " And all in it will 
be damned," said his grace. " You want charity/' 
says the priest. " Quite as much as your reverence," 
replied the duke. 

G 3 



66 NOBLE. 

203. The duke gave this character of the two royal 
brothers, Charles and James — " The elder could see 
things, if he would : and the younger would see 
things, if he could/' 

204. The Duke of Buckingham one day making 
his complaint to Sir John Cutler, a rich miser, of the 
disorder of his affairs, asked what he should do to 
prevent the ruin of his estate? " Live as I do, my 
lord/' said Sir John. " That I can do," answered 
the duke, " when my estate is gone." 

Henry, the seventh Duke of Norfolk. 

205. The first protectant Duke of Norfolk, carry- 
ing the sword of state before James II. to the Po- 
pish chapel, stopped at the door. The king, on go- 
ing in, said, " Your father would have gone farther." 
The duke answered ; " But your father would not 
have gone so far." 

Philip, the first Duke of Wharton. 

206. When the profligate Duke of Wharton was 
on his travels, he somewhere or other picked up a 
bear's cub, of which he was very fond, and carried 
it about with him. But when he was determined 
to abandon his tutor, he left the cub behind him, 
with the following address : " Being no longer able 
to bear with your ill usage, I think proper to be gone 
from you ; however, that you may not want com- 
pany, I have left you the bear, as the most suitable 
companion in the world that could be picked out for 

you." 

207. In the reign of Queen Anne, Robert Harley, 
Earl of Oxford, the premier, caused a number of 
peers to be created at one time, to carry a particular 
point in the upper house. The Duke of Wharton 
meeting him soon after, with some allusion to his 
fondness for the game of whist, as well as an incline- 



NOBLE. 67 

diate reference to what he had just done, said, " So 
Robin, I find what you lost by tricks you have gained 
by honours.*' 

John, the second Duke of Argyle. 

208. Queen Caroline, in derision, asked the Duke 
of Argyle what sort of persons were the Scotch lairds ? 
He answered, that they were like the German princes, 
very poor and very proud. 

Thomas Pelham Hollfs, Duke of Newcastle, 

209. A poor poet having, with some difficulty, and 
by stating that his business was of the utmost impor- 
tance, once got admitted to the Duke of Newcastle, 
thus addressed him : " My lord duke, having the ho- 
nour of being related to your grace, and knowing 
that you have many good things in your gift, I pre- 
sume to make the claim of affinity, and solicit your 
bounty * — " 1 beg your pardon," replied the duke, 
" but as I have no recollection of your face, do me 
the honour of informing me how we are related?" — 
" I need not inform your grace," answered the stran- 
ger, " that both you and I are descended from 
Adam." — "That is true," replied the peer, "I ac- 
knowledge the tie, and in consideration of it, beg 
your acceptance of this halfpenny, and if every re- 
lation you have will give you the same sum you'll be 
a richer man than I am." 

The late Duke of Montague. 

210. Mr. Rochead, of Inverlieth, a man of some 
fortune in the neighbourhood of Edinburgh, was one 
day taking his ride, and being a person of no small 
consequence, he thought proper to shew it by riding 
on the foot-path. Meeting a plain farmer-looking 
man, he ordered him imperiously to get out of the 
way. " Sir," said the other, " I don't understand 
this ; I am upon the foot-path, where I certainly have 
a right to walk." — " Do you know, sir," said Mr. 



6$ NOBLE. 

Rochead, " to whom you speak V ■• — " I do not, in T 
deed." — " Sir ! I am Mr. Rochead, of Inverlieth,"— - 
r Well, sir, but that certainly does not entitle you to 
ride on the foot-path, and drive a humble pedestrian 
off it." — " Why, sir, I am a trustee of this road."— 
" If you are, you are a very bad one." — " You are 
an impudent fellow. Who are you, sir?" — "I am 
George, Duke of Montague." It is almost unneces- 
sary to add, that the haughty Laird of Inverlieth, after 
a very awkward apology, went off into the main road." 

The late Duke of Grafton. 

211. The late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, 
was thrown into a ditch ; at the same time a young 
curate calling out, " Lie still your grace !" leaped 
over him, and pursued his sport. Such an apparent 
want of feeling, we might presume, was properly re-r 
seated. Not so ; on being assisted to remount by his 
attendants, the duke said, — " That young man shall 
have the first living that falls to my disposal ; had he 
stopped to have taken care of me, I never would 
have patronised him :" being delighted with an ar- 
dour similar to his own, or with a spirit that would 
not stoop to flatter. 

212. The Duke of Grafton being fox-hunting near 
Newmarket, a Quaker, upon an adjoining eminence, 
pulled of his hat, and gave a view holla ! The 
hounds immediately ran to him, and being conse- 
quently at fault, the duke, enraged, galloping up to 
the offender, asked him in an angry tone, whether 
he was not a Quaker? to which the other answered 
in the affirmative. " I will thank you, then, in fu- 
ture," replied his grace, " as you never pull off your 
hat to a Christian, not to pay that compliment to a 
fox." 

213. This nobleman was one of the last of the old 
school of polished gentlemen, and being seated witlj 



NOBLE. 69 

a party of ladies in the stage-box of Drnry-lane the- 
atre, a sprig of modern fashion came in booted and 
spurred. At the end of the act, the duke rose, and 
making the young man a low bow, said, " I beg 
leave, sir, in the name of these ladies, and for my- 
self, to offer you our thanks for your forbearance." — 
" I don't understand you ; what do you mean V said 
the stranger. " I mean/' repeated his grace, " as you 
have come with your boots and spurs, to thank you 
that you have not brought your horse." 

Charles Saville, first Marquis of Halifax. 

214. At the beginning of the revolution in 1688, 
several persons of rank, who had been very active 
and serviceable in bringing about that event, but 
who had no great abilities, applied for some of the 
most considerable employments under government. 
The Earl of Halifax being consulted on the propriety 
of admitting these claims, * I remember," said he, 
44 to have read in history, that Rome was saved by 
geese ; but I don't recollect that any of them were 
made consuls." 

The late Marquis Townsend. 
215. This facetious nobleman dubbed many 
knights in his day, some of whom could scarcely pay 
the fees of their creation; and thereby realized the 
farce of the Devil to Pay in many an humble family, 
by driving an honest industrious Nell from her do- 
mestic drudgery to figure as my lady, at routes, and 
levees, and give fussock-parties at her country cabin: 
The villa of the viceroy at that time was at the cele- 
brated Salmon-Leap on the Liffy, near the romantic 
village of Leixlip, a very favourite Sunday resort of 
the Dublin cits, and his excellency took great delight 
in sauntering about the domain amongst those visit- 
ants, joining their groups, and mixing in their con- 
versations. He had strictly forbidden the gate- 
keepers, on pain of dismissal, to demand or accept 



70 NOBLE. 

any fees from the visitors of the place. In one of 
those saunters his excellency fell in with a poor Dub- 
lin cutler, named Edward Bentley, with whom he 
entered into very familiar con-fab, and took much 
pains to shew him the beauties of the place. Bentley, 
who took him for one of the upper servants of the 
household, appeared much pleased by his attentions ; 
praised the kindness of Lord Townsend in throwing 
open his domain for visitors, but freely censured his 
politics. He pressed his attendant very much to 
come to the village tavern and take a snack, and a 
glass of punch with himself and his wife. This how- 
ever, the noble incognite declined. Bentley, being 
about to depart, expressed his sincere wish that all 
liOid Townsend's servants were equally civil, and 
generously offered him half a crown for his trouble : 
but was quite astonished at the refusal of his douceur; 
adding that " this was not the case with all the ser- 
vants, as the insolent fellow at the gate insisted upon 
half a crown, before, he and his family were admit- 
ted/' He then cordially shook hands with his new 
friend, and was going away, but the other insisted 
on his coming into the house, tasting Lord Towns- 
end's wine, and taking a snack of what the pantry 
afforded. Bentley, now convinced that his friend 
was no less a man than the viceroy's butler, accepted 
the invitation, followed into the house, and was 
shewn into a parlour, while his friend, the supposed 
butler, went to give orders for his entertainment, 
and in a few minutes re-entered, and ushered him 
into an adjacent room, where a delicate cold repast 
was spread, with several decanters of Madeira and 
other wines. Bentley was pressed to eat and drink j 
and he zealously exerted his knife and fork, and 
quaffed the cheering goblets of sparkling nectar, 
with which his friend incessantly plied him. At 
length about to depart, he again shook hands with the 
butler ; when presently as they readied the hall, the 
gate-porter entered, who had extorted Bentley' s half 



NOBLE. 71 

crown in the morning. The supposed butler imme- 
diately demanded, how he had dared to transgress 
the orders he had received by taking money frorri 
that gentleman ? — The fellow instantly dropped on 
his knees and begged his excellency's pardon, pro- 
mising never to be guilty of the like again. Poor 
Bentley, in astonishment, now found out that he had 
mistaken his man. The entrance of two other ser- 
vants, and the marked respect they shewed to the 
butler, convinced him of his mistake — and he too 
immediately fell on his knees and implored forgive- 
ness for the liberties he had taken with his excel- 
lency. Lord Townsend, highly diverted with the 
aukward confusion and embarrassment of his guest, 
called to one of the servants for a sword, which was 
instantly brought him ; and which poor Bentley sup- 
posed was intended, at least, to take off his napper. 
The viceroy drew the awful weapon from its scab- 
bard, and flourished it thrice over the devoted head 
of his guest ; and then, with a gentle thwack across 
the shoulders, said to him, " Rise, Sir Edward 
Bentley" This unexpected issue of the affair greatly 
surprised and delighted the new made knight, who 
was forthwith appointed cutler to his excellency, and 
lived many years to wear the honours, and tell the 
story of his creation. 

216. When Lord Harconrt succeeded Lord Towns-* 
end in the administration of Ireland, he arrived at 
the castle of Dublin at midnight. Lord Townsend 
and a party of friends were then at their bottle; and 
after the first salutations, his lordship said, i( You 
see, my lord, how we are engaged ; and I hope that 
in your next dispatches you will mention this cir- 
cumstance, that, though you came at the twelfth hour 
you did not find us napping/' 

The late Marquis of Buckingham. 
217. The late Marquis of Buckingham, on being* 



72 NOBLE. 

informed of Mr. Sheridan's philippic on the teller- 
ship of the Exchequer, quaintly replied, " Never 
mind, I will pocket the affront." 

The Marquis of Abercorn* 

218. The Marquis of Abercorn, determining at 
least, in his own arrangements, to obtain punctuality 
from his visitors, invited a large parly to dinner. 
The card mentioned five precisely. His lordship 
found himself attended at that hour by a single gen- 
tleman ; he however, sat down to dinner with him, 
and partook of the first course. About six, his visit- 
ors began to drop in ; his lordship made no apology, 
they seated themselves in awkward confusion, looked 
at their watches, and took dinner. The still more 
polite part of the company arrived about seven, and 
instead of dinner, were complimented with coffee. 

The Marquis of Huntly. 

219. A fashionable countess, asking the Marquis of 
Huntly, which he thought the prettiest flower, roses 
or tulips? He replied, with great gallantry, "Your 
ladyship's two lips before all the roses in the world." 

William, the sixth Earl of Derby. 

220. The old Earl of Derby, who lived in the 
reigns of James and Charles I. wore such plain ap- 
parel, that he could not be distinguished by his garb 
from the better sort of farmers ; and coming to court 
in his ordinaiy habit, was denied entrance into the 
privy chamber by a fine-dressed Scot, who told him 
that this was no place for ploughmen. The king, 
hearing a dispute at the chamber door, came out to 
know what occasioned it. To whom the earl said, 
" Nothing, my liege ; but your countrymen, having 
left 1)(|Q9^nners and their rags behind them in 
Scotland, nSft^ y^p ^v themselves nor their betters/' 
The king, beinglSpiry at the affront offered to so 
great a man, iaid, " My good Lord Derby, I am 



NOBLE. 73 

sorry for the affront given 3011 by my servant ; and, 
to make your lordship satisfaction, I will command 
him to be hanged, if your lordship desires it." The 
earl replied, "That is too small an atonement for the 
affront put upon my honour, and I expect his punish- 
ment should be more exemplary.''; — " Name it, my 
lord/' said the king, " and it shall be done." — ki Why 
then/' said the earl, " 1 desire your majesty v. ill send 
lam back to Scotland again." 

Henry Jermyn, Earl of St. Albans. 

221. The Earl of St. Albans was, like many other 
staunch loyalists, little remembered by Charles II. 
He was, however, an attendant at court, and one oi* 
his majesty's companions in his gay hours. On one 
such occasion, a stranger came with an importunate 
suit for an office of great value, just vacant. The 
king, by way of joke, desired the earl to personate 
him, and desired the petitioner to be admitted. The 
gentleman, addressing himself to the supposed mo- 
narch, enumerated his services to the royal family, 
and hoped the grant of the place would not be 
deemed too great a reward. " By no means/' an- 
swered the earl, " and I am only sorry that as soon 
as I heard of the vacancy I conferred it on my faith- 
ful friend the Earl of St„ Al ban's/' pointing to the 
king, " who has constantly followed the fortunes both 
of my father and myself, and has hitherto p ■■:;• :x- iirt- 
rewarded." Charles granted for this joke 

wtmost real services looked for in vain. 

Charles, the sixth Earl of Dorset. 

222. The Earl of Dorset coming to court c?i 
Queen Elizabeth's birth-day, Charles II. asked him 
"What the bells rung for?" Being tojd/^fe lung 
asked, — Why her memory w'asvsq »-,tInd%ht of, .when 
his father and grandfather were quite forgot 
"Because/' said the earl, frankly, u Elizabeth, \]®r 

H 



74 NOBLE. 

ing a woman, chose men for her counsellors ; and 
men, when they reign, usually chuse women/' 

223. Lord Bulkele}', on the morning subsequent 
to his marriage, communicated his happiness to his 
friend the Earl of Dorset, in the following laconic 
epistle : 

" Dear Dorset, I am the happiest dog alive, 

" Yours BlJLKELEY." 

to Which the answer was 



" Dear Bulkeley, every dog has his day. 

u Yours Dorset." 

224. The Earl of Dorset, having a great desire to 
spend an evening with Butler, the celebrated au- 
thor of Hudibras, spoke to Mr. Fleetwood Shepherd, 
to introduce him. The three wits, some time after, 
accordingly met at a tavern, when, upon the first 
bottle, Butler was rather flat; on the second, he 
broke out the man of wit and reading ; and on the 
third, relapsed into a tameness of conversation, very 
inferior to the author of Hudibras. The next morn- 
ing, Shepherd asked his lordship how he liked his 
friend Butler? " I do not know any thing better to 
compare him to," said his lordship, " than a nine- 
pin, little at both ends, but great in the middle." 

Wilmot, Earl of Rochester. 

225. Charles II. being at bowls, and having laid 
a bowl very near the jack, " My soul to an egg- 
shell," says he, " nobody beats that." — " If you will 
lay odds," says Rochester, " I'll take the bet." 

226. In the reign of Charles the Second, the Duke 
of Lauderdale coming one day to court in Lord Ro- 
chester's week of waiting, desired admittance to his 
majesty, but was refused, and told by Rochester, 
that he was very ill.— Lauderdale came constantly 



NOBLE. 75 

every day during Rochester's week, and as regularly 
received the same answer, at which being surprised, 
he asked Rochester what was the nature of his ma- 
jesty's illness ? who told him, the king had got a sore 
nose. Lauderdale came to court the next day, and, 
another lord being in waiting, was immediately intro- 
duced to the presence chamber : the king expressed 
his amazement at not seeing him for so many days, 
and on being informed of the impediment, the king 
called for Rochester, and demanded his reason for 
saying he had got a sore- nose. Rochester replied, 
" May it please your majesty, had I been led so long 
by the nose, as you have been by Lauderdale, I am 
sure mine would have been sore ; so I conceived it 
at least my duty to deny all access to the immediate 
cause of your majesty's disorder ." 

James, the first Earl of Waldegrave. 

227. This nobleman abjured the Catholic religion, 
and was a long time ambassador at Paris. He was * 
one day teased upon the subject of his conversion by 
the Duke of Berwick. " Pray," said he, " Mr. Am- 
bassador, who had most to do in your conversion, the 
ministers of state, or the ministers of religion V— 
" This is a question," said his lordship, " you mast 
excuse my answering, for when I ceased to be a Ca- 
tholic I renounced confession." 

Charles, the third Earl of Peterborough. 

228. Lord Peterborough was once taken by the 
mob for the Duke of Marlborough, who was then in 
disgrace with them, and being about to be roughly 
treated by these friends to summary justice, he said 
to them, " Gentlemen, I can convince you by two 
reasons that I am not the Duke of Marlborough. In 
the first place, I have only five guineas in my 
pocket; and, in the second, they are heartily at 
your service." So throwing his purse amongst them, 

h 2 



76 NOBLE. 

he got out of their hands, with loud huzzas and ac- 
clamations. 

John, the second Earl of Stair. 

229. When the great Earl of Stair was ambassa- 
dor in Holland, he made frequent entertainments, to 
winch the foreign ministers were constantly invited, 
not excepting even France, though hostilities were 
then commencing between the two countries. In 
return the French resident as constantly invited the 
English and Austrian ambassadors upon the like 
occasions. The French minister was a man of con- 
siderable wit and vivacity. One day he proposed a 
health in these terms: "The rising sun/' my master, 
-alluding to the motto of Louis XIV. which was 
pledged by the whole company. It then came to 
the Baron de Riesbaeh's turn to give a health, and 
he in the same humour gave " The moon and fixed 
stars/' in compliment to the empress queen. When 
it came to the English ambassador's turn, the eyes 
of all the company were turned upon him ; but he, 
no way daunted, drank his master by the name of 
" Joshua, the son of Nun, who made the sun and 
moon to stand still." 

Benry, the ienth Earl of Pembroke. 

230. The Earl of Pembroke kept a number of 
swine at his seat in Wiltshire, and crossing the yard 
one day, he was surprised to see the pigs gathered 
round one trough, and making a great noise. Curi- 
osity prompted him to see what was the cause, and 
on looking jnto the trough he perceived a large silver 
spoon. Just at this crisis a servant maid came out, 
find began to curse the pigs for crying so. u Well 
they may/' said his lordship, " when they have got 
but one spoon among them all." 

231. This nobleman, who had many good quali- 
ties, but always persisted inflexibly in his own opi- 



NOBLE. 77 

nion, which, as well as his conduct, was often very 
singular, thought of an expedient to prevent the ex- 
hortations and importunities of those about him. This 
was to feign himself deaf; and, under pretence of 
hearing very imperfectly, he would always form his 
answer not by what was really said to him, but by 
what he desired to have said. Among other servants 
was one who had lived with him from a child, and 
served him with great fidelity and affection, till at 
length he became his coachman. This man by de- 
grees got a habit of drinking, for which his lady 
often desired that he might be dismissed. My lord 
always answered, " Yes indeed, John is an excel- 
lent servant/' — " I say," replied the lady, " that he 
is continually drunk, and I desire that he may be 
turned off." — " Aye," said his lordship, " he has 
lived with me from a child, and, as you say, a 
trifle of wages should not part us.'' John, however, 
one evening, as he was driving from Kensington, 
overturned lus lady in Hyde Park ; she was not 
much hurt, but when she came home she began to 
rattle the earl. " Here," says she, " is that beast 
John, so drunk that he can scarcely stand ; he has 
overturned the coach, and if he is not discharged, 
may break our necks." — k ' Aye," says my lord, " is 
poor John sick ? alas, I am sorry for him." — " I am 
complaining," says my lady, " that he is drunk, and 
has overturned me." — " Aye," answered his lordship, 
" to be sure he has behaved very well, and shall have 
proper advice." My lady finding it hopeless to re- 
monstrate, went away in a pet; and my lord having 
ordered John into his presence, addressed him very 
coolly in these words : "John, you know I have a re- 
gard for you, and as long as you behave well you 
shall be taken care of in my family : my lady tells 
me you are taken ill, and indeed I can see that you 
can hardly stand ; go to bed, and I will take care that 
you have proper advice." John, being thus dis- 
missed, was taken to bed, where, by his lordship's 
H 3 



78 NOBLE. 

order, a large blister was put upon his head, another 
between his shoulders, and sixteen ounces of blood 
taken from his arm. John found himself the next 
morning in a woeful plight, and was soon acquainted 
with the whole process, and the reasons upon which 
it was commenced. He had no remedy, however, 
but to submit, for he would rather have incurred 
as many more blisters than lose his place. My lord 
sent very formally twice a day to know how he was, 
and frequently congratulated my lady upon John's 
recovery, whom he directed to be feH only with wa- 
ter gruel, and to have no company but an old nurse. 
In about a week, John having constantly sent word 
that he was well, my lord thought fit to understand 
the messenger, and said, " he was extremely glad 
to hear that fthe fever had left him, and desired to 
see him." When John came in, * 4 Well, John," 
says he, " 1 hope this bout is over." — u Ah, my lord," 
says John, " I humbly ask your lordship's pardon, 
and I promise never to commit the same fault again." 
u Aye, aye/' says my lord, " you are right, no body 
can prevent sickness, and if you should be sick 
again, John, I shall see it, though perhaps you should 
not complain, and I promise you you shall always 
have the same advice, and the same attendance that 
you have had now.' ; — u God bless your lordship/ 7 says 
John, " I hope there will be no need." — " So do I 
too," says his lordship, " but as long as you do your 
duty to me, never fear, I shall do mine to you." 

Philip Dormer, the fourth Earl of 
Chesterfield. 
232. Lord Chesterfield complained \cry much at 
an inn where he dined, that the plates and dishes 
were very dirty. The waiter, with a degree of pert- 
ness, observed, that every one must eat a peck of 
dirt before he dies. " That may be true," said his 
lordship ; " but no one is obliged to eat it all at a 
meal." 



NOBLE. 79 

233. When the late King of Denmark was in 
England, he very frequently honoured Sir Thomas 
Robinson with his company, though the knight 
spoke French in a very imperfect manner, and the 
king had scarcely any knowledge of English. One 
day, when Sir Thomas was in company with the 
late lord Chesterfield, he boasted much of his 
great intimacy with the king, and added, that he 
believed the monarch had a greater friendship for 
him than any man in England. " How reports will 
lie," exclaimed'' Lord Chesterfield, " I heard no later 
than this day, that you never met, but a great deal of 
had language passed between yon.* 

234. A French nobleman, observing to Lord 
Chesterfield that the French were a more polite peo- 
ple than the English, and that the English acknow- 
ledged they were ; Ci Their acknowledgment" replied 
his lordship, " proves their own right." 

235. Lord Melcombe, whose name was Bulb Dod- 
diugton, was intended to have been sent ambassador 
to Spain. Lord Chesterfield once met him, and 
touching on the subject, told him, he did not think 
him by any means a fit person to represent the crown 
of England at the Spanish court. Doddiugton begged 
to know the reason. " Why," returned he, 6i t your 
name is too short. Bubb ! Bubb ! Do you think that 
the Spaniards, who pride themselves on the length of 
their titles, and sonorous sound of their names, will 
suppose that a man can possess either dignity or im- 
portance with a uame of one syllable, which is pro- 
nounced in a moment. No, my lord, you must not 
think of Spain, unless you lengthen your name.' 7 
Doddiugton desired to know how that could be done. 
Lord Chesterfield, pausing a moment, exclaimed, " I 
have it — Silly Bubb is the very thing." 

236. When this witty nobleman was one day at 



80 NOBLE. 

Newcastle House, the duke happening to be very 
particularly engaged, the earl was requested to sit 
down in an anti-room, where Garnet upon J§b, a 
hook dedicated to the duke, happened to lie in the 
window. When his grace entered, and found the 
earl so busily engaged in reading, he asked him how 
he liked the commentary. " In any other place," 
replied Chesterfield, " I should not think much of it ; 
but there is so much propriety in putting a volume 
upon patience in the room where every visitor is to 
wait for your grace, that here it must be considered 
as one of the best books in the world." 

237. Dryden's Translation of Virgil being com- 
mended by a right reverend bishop, Lord Ches- 
terfield said, " The original is indeed excellent; 
but every thing sutlers by translation except a 
bishop." 

238. It was once observed to Lord Chesterfield, in 
the course of conversation, that man is the only crea- 
ture that is endowed with the power of laughter. 
" True," said the earl, " and you may add, perhaps 
he is the only creature that deserves to be laughed 
at:' 

239. It being asked in a company, in which Lord 
Chesterfield was present, whether the piers of West- 
minster-bridge would be of stone or wood? " Oh," 
said his lordship, " of stone to be sure ; for we have 
too many wooden piers (peers) at Westminster al- 
ready." 

240. Lord Chesterfield visiting Lord B. a favourite 
dog bit him in the leg. "Don't be afraid," says 
Lord B. " my little dog never bites." Lord C. 
knocking down the animal with his cane, replied in 
the same strain, " Don't be afraid, my lord; I never 
strike little dogs." 



NOBLE. 81 

241. The late queen hinted to Lord Chesterfield 
her design of shutting- up St. James's Park, and turn- 
ing it into a garden, and asked him what he thought 
the alteration would cost. Uis reply was, •:' Only 
three crowns." 

242. Lord Chesterfield held a considt i able estate 
under the Dean and Chapter of Westminster, and 
wanting to put in the life of the present earl, the fine 
insisted upon was so very exorbitant, as to ruffle 
his lordship's temper in a high degree, though he was 
obliged to acquiesce in their demands. When the 
writings were ready, the lawyer carried them to his 
jprdship, with the dean and chapter's compliments, 
having signed them, ' Well," says the earl, " they 
sent their compliments to me, did they ? then return 
my compliments to them ; but tell them, at the same 
time, that in matters ot business I would sooner deal 
with the Jewish synagogue." 

243. An illustrious person told Lord Chesterfield 
that he had diauk six bottles of champaign. "That/' 
said his lordship. * k is more than 1 can swallow? 

244. When Miss Chudieigh afterwards Dutchess 
of Kingston, once met Lord Chesterfield in the rooms 
at Bath, they, in a tete-a-tete conversation, began to 
talk ol' the company present, a;,d the lad> was very 
communicative in her narrative ot* things said of 
Lady Caroline, Miss Languishes, &c. e^c. and con- 
cluded by remarking, " yet much of this may be 
scandal; for do }ou Know, my lord, thai since I was 
lately confined to my chamber bv illness, they have 
spread an infamous report of my being brought to 
bed of twins." — kl U my dearlady, do iiOt be uneasy, " 
replied the peer; " for my part, I have long made it a 
rule to believe but half that the town says." 

245. As the late Earl of Chesterfield and Lord 



82 NOBLE. 

Petre were once stepping out of a carriage, a great 
lamp, oil and all, fell from the centre of an iron arch 
before the house, missing Lord Petre by about half 
an inch. " Oh, my lord," said he, " I was near be- 
ing gone ! w — " Why yes," replies the earl, .coolly, 
" but there would certainly have been one comfort 
attending the accident, since you would infallibly 
have received extreme unction before you went." 

246. A few days before his lordship died, they re- 
peated to him a quarrel which had taken place be- 
tween Miss Pelham and Mrs. Fitzroy, in regard to 
the reputation of Mr. Frere, late master of the 
Thatched House, in St. James's Street ; when words 
arising very high, Mrs. Fitzroy gave Miss Pelham a 
slap upon the cheek. " Aye," said his lordship, " I 
am not surprised at that — I always thought Mrs. 
Fitzroy was a striking beauty." 



The late Earl of Kellie. 

247. The late Earl of Kellie, in the younger part 
of his life, was much addicted to dissipation. One 
day his mother took him severely to task for a de- 
bauch, and advised him to take example by a parti- 
cular gentleman, whose constant food was vegeta- 
bles, and his drink pure water. " Good heaven, 
madam," said his lordship, " do you wish me to 
imitate a man who eats like a beast, and drinks like a 
fish." 

The late Lord Viscount Melville. 

248. A gentleman from Cumberland, not of the 
brightest parts, or most polished manners, thinking 
to recommend himself to Lord Melville by flattering 
his national prejudices, affirmed that he was a Bor- 
der Scot. " Gude faith, I dinna doubt it," quoth the 
shrewd Caledonian, " the pcoarsest art o* the claim's 
ay at the selvidge." 



NOBLE. 83 

Lord Viscount Sidmouth. 

249. It was remarked, that when the Princess of 
Wales entered the Op^ra House, an electie feeling 
pervaded the audience. Lord Sidmouth asked, " Was 
this for want of a proper conductor 1" 

Francis Bacon, Lord Verulam. 

250. Lord Verulam being asked by James . what 
he thought of Mr. Caderes, a very tall man, who was 
sent on an occasional embassy to the King of France, 
answered — That some tall men were like lofty 
houses, where the uppermost rooms are commonly the 
most meanly furnished. 



Villieus, Duke of Buckingham. 

251. Villiers, the witty and extravagant Duke of 
Buckingham, in King Charles XFs. time, was saying 
one day to Sir Robert Viner, in a melancholy hu- 
mour, " I am afraid, Sir Robert, I shall die a beggar 
at last; which is the most terrible thing in the world." 
— " Upon my word, my lord," said Sir Robert, 
" there is another thing more terrible which you have 
reason to apprehend, and that is, that you will live a 
beggar, at the rate you go on." 

Philip, the first Duke of Wharton. 

252. There was mors wit than manners in a saying 
of Colley Cibber, the poet laureat, to the extravagant 
Duke of Wharton. Colley, who sometimes visited 
his grace, was once in his coach with him, when it 
went very slowly through a slough, on the duke's 
manor of Winchendon, in Buckinghamshire. The 
poet, with his usual vivacity and assurance, said, " It 
is reported, my lord duke, that you run out of your 
estate ; but it is impossible for you to run out of this/ 7 

Charles, the sixth Duke of Somerset. 

253. The proud Duke of Somerset employed Sey- 



84 NOBLE. 

niour the painter to make some portraits of bis run- 
ning horses. One day, at dinner, he drank to him 
with a sneer : " Cousin Seymour, your health." The 
painter replied, " I really do believe that I have the 
honour to be of your grace's family/' The duke, of- 
fended, rose from table, and sent his steward to pay 
Seymour, and dismiss him. Another painter of horses 
was sent for, who, finding himself unworthy to finish 
Seymour's, honestly told the duke so. On this the 
haughty peer condescended once more to summon 
his cousin. Seymour answered his mandate in these 
words: *' My lord, I shall now prove that / am of 
your grace's family, for I will not come. 79 

The late Duke of Newcastle. 

254. It is related of the late Duke of Newcastle, 
that he was so accustomed to promise, that no appli- 
cant whatever left his presence without an assurance 
of having what he solicited tor, though, at the same 
time, his grace scarcely knew what he had been ask- 
ed for. A neighbour of his, a major in the army, 
waited upon him, on his return from abroad. " My 
dear major," said his grace, running up to him, and 
embracing him, " I am heartily glad to see you ; I 
hope a'ii things go well with you." — u I can't say they 
do, my lord du^e," returned he; "1 have had the 
misfortune to lose my — " — " Say no more, my dear 
major," returned he quickly, and stopping his mouth 
with his hand, (conceiving it to be some appointment 
which he had lost) " say no more, I entreat you, I'll 
give you a better." — " Better, my lord," returns the 
major, " that cannot be !" — " How so, my dear 
friend? how so?" replies the duke. u Because," re- 
joins the major, " I have lost my leg." 

255. A gentleman, who possessed a small estate in 
Gloucestershire, was allured to town by the promises 
of the same nobleman, who, for many months, kept 
him in constant attendaii€e, until the poor man's pa- 



NOBLE. $T> 

tience being quite exhausted, he one morning called 
ispon his patron, and told him that he had at length 
got a place. I lie duke very cordially shook him by 
the hand, and congratulated him on his good fortune, 
telling him, that in a few days a good thing would 
have been in his gift : " But pray, sir/ 1 added he, 
" where is your place V — " In the Gloucester coach,'* 
replied he, fci I secured it last night." 

The late Duke of Norfolk. 
25<5. Soon after the Duke of Norfolk had abjured 
the errors of popery, he visited his seat of Worksop 
Manor, in Nottinghamshire, and, as he walked in 
the garden, he asked some questions of one of the 
gardeners, who he found did not know him : " Your 
master/' said the duke, " I am told, has changed 
his religion; pray what do you think of it?" — - 
" Why/' said the gardener, " I know not what to 
think of it ; I hope, however, his grace will make a 
goodprotestant, for I have been told he made a very 
bad catholic ." 

257. The late Duke of Norfolk was much addict- 
ed to the bottle. On a masquerade night, he asked 
Foote, what new character he should go in. 4k Go 
sober!" said 1 oote. 

The late Marquis of Lansdowne. 

258. Doctor Goldsmith happened one night, at the 
theatre at Covent Garden, to be in the same stage- 
box with the late Marquis of Lansdowne, when the 
doctor, who was a perfect stranger, was introduced 
to his lordship. The latter professed himself very 
happy in being honoured with the doctor's company, 
and invited him to supper, which was accepted. 
However, in the course of conversation at the thea- 
tre, his lordship observed — That the public paper 
had given him the title of Malagrida, but for what 
reason he cotld not discover. — u Nor 1 neither/' said 

i 



86 NOBLE. 

the doctor, " for every body knows that Malagrida 
was an honest man." 

Thomas, the first Earl of Rutland. 

259. Mr. Manners, who had been but lately created 
Earl of Rutland, said to Sir Thomas More, " You 
are so much elated with your preferments, that you 
verify the old proverb, 

Honores mutunt Mores/' 

a No, my lord," said Sir Thomas, " the pun will do 
much better in English : 

Honours change Manners'* 

Wilmot, Earl of Rochester. 

260. The witty and licentious Earl of Rochester 
meeting with the great Isaac Barrow in the Park, 
told his companions that he would have some fun 
with the rusty old put. Accordingly, he went up 
with great gravity, and taking off his hat, made the 
doctor a profound bow, saying, " Doctor, 1 am your's 
to my shoe-tie." The doctor seeing his drift, imme- 
diately pulled off his beaver, and returned the bow, 
with, u My lord, I am your's to the ground." Ro- 
chester followed up his salutation by a deeper bow, 
saying, " Doctor, I am your's to the centre." Bar- 
row, with a very lowly obeisance, replied, " My lord, 
I am your's to the antipodes." His lordship, nearly 
gravelled, exclaimed, " Doctor, I am your's to the 
lowest pit of hell." — " There, my lord," said Barrow, 
sarcastically, u Heave you;" and walked off. 

William Bentinck, first Earl of Portland. 

261. A Dutch nobleman (the Earl of Portland) 
who came over with our third William, being once 
haranguing a multitude in favour of his master, as- 
sured them that he was come for all their goods. 
" Yes," replied Sir Watkin Williams, " and for our 
chattels too." 



NOBLE. 87 

Robert Harley, first Earl of Oxford. 

262. The following anecdote is related of the fa- 
mous Robert, Earl of Oxford. " My lord/' said a 
profligate of those days, " you and I have been in 
all the jails of the kingdom." — " What do you mean 
by that, you rascal ?" exclaimed the earl. " Your 
lordship," said he, " has been in the Tower, and I 
have been in every other in the kingdom.*' 

The late Earl of Abercorn. 

263. The late Earl of Abercorn was a very stiff, 
and not a very polite man. When the queen arrived 
from Germany, his lordship had the honour of receiv- 
ing her and her suite at his house, where they slept. 
Soon after, at a levee, his majesty thanked him for 
his attention to the queen, saying, he was afraid her 
visit had occasioned his lordship a good deal of trou- 
ble. He replied, " A good deal indeed" 

The late Earl of Peterborough. 

264. The late Lord Peterborough having, in one 
of his perambulations through the streets of the me- 
tropolis, been grossly insulted by a carman, very 
deliberately stripped, and gave the fellow r such a 
drubbing, that he could scarcely move a limb. A 
man seeing the transaction, came up at the conclu- 
sion of the affray, and asked the man if he knew the 
person with whom he had been boxing was a lord ? 
" A lord !" says the fellow, " a lord ! — they may call 
him what they please, and he may be what he will, 
but I am sure, from the weight of that leaden fist of 
his, that his father must have been a drayman. 7 ' 

The late Earl of Kellie. x 

265. One day Lord Kellie, whose frequent sacrir 
fices to Bacchus had produced a rubicundity of nose, 
that would have done honour to Bardolph himself, 
called on Mr. Foote at Fulham. " Oh, Kellie I" says 

I 2 



88 NOBLE. 

Foote, " I am glad you are come ; my peaches are 
very backward ; be so kind as hold your nose over 
them tioo or three hours" 

266. The late Sam Foote would say any thing of 
any body, or to any body. When he was once at 
Lord Keilie's table, a gentleman present complained 
that the beer was rather cold. u Get his lordship to 
dip his nose into the tankard/' said Foote, " and if 
he keeps it there half a minute, and the beer does not 
boil, it must be fire-proof \" 

267. The same nobleman having spoken rather 
disrespectfully of a gentleman in the army, an irish- 
man present observed, " That if any man that lived, 
or ever had lived, or ever could live, hud said the 
same of him, he would havepiill'd him by the nose." 
— * f Yes" replied Foote, " I dare say you would; 
but in the present case that would not do, there are 
ways enough of revenging an insult, without running 
one's hand into the fire/* 

Philip Dormer, the fourth Earl of 
Chesterfield. 

268. The late Lord Che^erfieJd happened to be at 
a rout in France, where Voltaire was one of the 
guests. Chesterfield seemed to be gazing about on 
the brilliant circle of ladies, when Voltaire thus ac- 
costed him: " My lord, I know yon are a judge, 
which are more beautiful, the English or French la- 
dies?" — " Upon my word," replied his lordship, with 
his usual presence of mind, u I am no connoisseur in 
paintings." Some time after this, Voltaire being in 
London, happened to be at a nobleman's rout with 
Lord Chesterfield. A lady m company, prodigiously 
painted, directed her whole discourse to Voltaire, 
and entirely engrossed his conversation. Chesterfield 
came up, and tapped him on his shoulder, saying. 
" Sh*, take care you are not captivated/'* — "My 



NOBLE. 89 

lord," replied the French wit, " I scorn to be taken 
by an English bottom under French colours." 

The late Earl of Mansfield. 

269. Foote being on a visit at this nobleman's 
house, his lordship, as soon as dinner was over, or- 
dered a bottle of cape on the table, when, after 
magnifying its good qualities and age, he sent it 
round the table in glasses that scarcely held a thim- 
ble full. " Fine wine, upon my life," says the wit, 
tasting and smacking his lips. " Is it not very cu- 
rious?" says his lordship. " Perfectly so, indeed/' 
says the other ; " I do not remember to have seen 
any thing so little of its age in my life before." 

The Earl of Cork. 

270. The present Lord Cork and Orrery being 
under the correction of Iris schoolmaster, received 
the following reproachful accompaniment with the 
rod : — " One of your ancestors invented an Orrery, 
and another of them gave to the world a translation 
of Pliny; but you, I fear, will never invent any thing 
but mischiet, nor translate any thing but an idle boy 
into a foolish man : so that, instead of myrtle, you 
shall be honoured with birch/' 

The Earl of Liverpool. 

271. The Earl of Liverpool forming a park about 
Cornbury, and thinking to inclose it with posts and 
rails, was one day calculating the expense : a gen- 
tleman who stood by, told him he did not go the 
cheapest way to Work. " How can I do it cheaper/' 
said my Lord Liverpool. " Why," replied the gen- 
tleman, " if your lordship will find posts, the country 
will find railing." 

Henry St. John, Viscount Bolingbroke. 

272. Marivaux being in company with Lord Bo- 
lingbroke, who professed himself an infidel in reli? 

I 3 



©0 NOBLE. 

gion, but who gave as true many dubious historical 
facts, observed, " If you be an infidel, my lord, it is 
not for want of faith," 

The late Lord Viscount Sackville. 
273. Lord George Germain (afterwards Lord 
Sackville) to his religious duties was not only re- 
gularly but respectfully attentive: on the Sunday 
morning he appeared in gala, as if he was dressed for 
a drawing-room ; he marched out his whole family 
in a grand cavalcade to his parish church, leaving 
only a centinel to watch the fires at home, and 
mount guard upon the spits. His deportment in the 
house of prayer was exemplary, and more in charac- 
ter of time past, than time present. He had a way 
of standing up in sermon time for the purpose of re- 
viewing the congregation, and awing the idlers into 
decorum, that might well remind the spectator of Sir 
Roger de Coverley at church : and, sometimes struck 
with passages in the discourse, which he wished to 
point out to the audience as rules of moral practice 
worthy to be noticed, he won id mark his approbation 
of them with such cheering nods and signals of as- 
sent to the preacher, as were often more than any 
muscles could withstand ; but when, to the total 
overthrow of all gravity, in his zeal to encourage a 
ver} r young declaimer in the pulpit, he cried out to 
the Rev. H. Eaton", in the middle of his sermon, 
*' Well done, Harry P it was irresistible ; suppres- 
sion was out of every one's power ; for what made it 
more intolerably comic was, the unmoved sincerity 
of his manner, and his surprise to find that any thing 
had passed that could provoke a laugh so much out 
of time and place. He had nursed up, with no small 
care and cost, in each of his parish elm relies, a corps 
of rustic psalm singers, to whose performances he 
paid the greatest attention, frequently rising up, and, 
with his eyes directed to the singing gallery, marking 
time, which was not always originally adhered to; 



NOBLE. 91 

and once, when his ear, which was very correct, had 
been tortured by a tone most glaringly discordant, 
he set his mark upon the culprit, by calling' out to 
Jhim aloud, " Out of tune, Tom Baker V- 

274. This nobleman was not more distinguished 
for his abilities than for his amiable disposition. Of 
this his domestics felt the comfort, living with him 
rather as humble friends, than menial servants. His 
lordship one day entering his house in Pall Mall, ob- 
served a large basket of vegetables standing in the 
hall, and inquired of the porter to whom they be- 
longed, and from whence they came? Old John im- 
mediately replied, " They are our's, my lord, from 
our country house." — " Very welt," rejoined the 
peer. At that instant a carriage stopped at the 
door, and Lord George, turning round, asked what 
coach it was ? u Our's,'' said honest John. " And 
are the children in it our's too V said his lordship, 
laughing. " Most certainly, my lord," replied John, 
with the utmost gravity, and immediately ran to lift 
them out. 

The late Lord Viscount Melville. 

275. Lord Melville told a pleasant story, rather at 
his own expense, at a cabinet dinner, at the present 
lord chancellor's. Some time ago lie sent for Town- 
send, the Bow Street officer, who, from the line 
marked out by his lordship, then secretary of state, 
made a useful and singular discovery. Townsend, 
surprised at the sagacity of the right honourable 
gentleman, could not abstain from expressing his 
admiration, by assuring him, that, with u a very lit- 
tle instruction, he would, in a fortnight, make the 
best thief -taker in the kingdom. " 

276. The late Lord Melville observing that ba- 
nishment from Scotland was a common punishment 
for offences in that country, one of the company 



92 NOBLE. 

gravely asked, if he ever knew any such culprits 
executed for returning from transportation. 

William, the first Lord Craven. 

277. Lord Craven, in King James the First's 
reign, was very desirous to see Ben Jonson, which 
being told to Ben, he went to my lord's house ; but 
being in a very shabby condition, as poets sometimes 
are, the porter refused him admittance, with some 
saucy language, which the other did not fail to re- 
turn. My lord happening to come out while they 
were wrangling, asked the occasion of it? Ben, 
who stood in need of nobody to speak for him, said, 
Re understood his lordship desired to see him. — 
" You, friend !" said my lord, " who are you V 9 — • 
u Ben Jonson," replied the other. " No, no," quoth 
his lordship, " you cannot be Ben Jonson who wrote 
the Silent Woman ; you look as if you could not say, 
bo to a goose." — " Bo !" cried Ben. " Very well," 
said my lord, who was better pleased at the joke 
than offended at the ^affront, " I am now convinced 
you are Ben Jonson." 

The late Lord Willoughby de Broke. 

278. The late Lord Willoughby de Broke was a 
very singular character, and had more peculiarities 
than any nobleman of his day. Coming once out of 
the House of Peers, and seeing his servant among 
those who were waiting at the door, he tailed out in 
a very loud voice, " Where can my fellow be ?" — 
" Not in Europe," said Anthony Henley, who hap- 
pened to be near him ; " not in Europe." 

The late Lord Audley. 

279. The late Mr. Philip Thicknesse, father of 
Lord Audley, being in want of money, applied to 
his son for assistance. This being denied, he imme- 
diately hired a cooler's stall, directly opposite his 
Jordship's house, and put up a board, on which was 



NOBLE. 9*3 

inscribed, in large letters, " Boots and shoes mended 
in the best and cheapest manner, by Philip Thick- 
nesse, father to Lord Audley. His lordship took the 
hint, and the board was removed. 

Lord Braco. 

280. Lord Braco, one of the ancestors ofthe Earl 
of Fife, was noted for his economy. Walking one 
day down the avenue that led from his house, he saw 
a farthing lying at his feet, which he took up and 
carefully cleaned. A beggar passing at the same 
time, entreated his lordship would give him the far- 
thing, saying, it was not worth a nobleman's atten- 
tion. " Fin' a farthing to yourseP, puir body," re- 
plied his lordshipi^and carefully put the coin into his 
breeches pocket. 

The late Lord Thurlow. 

281. Lord Thurlow was one day riding along with 
a farmer at Duiwich, of whom he used to take some 
notice, and consult about agricultural matters ; when 
the farmer ventured to ask, how politics were ? 
" Hang politics," said he, " I hate them," Soon 
after, his lordship asked the farmer, what he thought 
of a field of wheat they were passing. " Hang farm- 
ing/' said he, " 1 hate it." 

Anonymous and Miscellaneous. 

282. As drunk as an owi, as drunk as a sow, as 
drunk as a beggar, as drunk as the devil, as drunk as 
a lord. These are the principal comparisons of 
drunkenness, and the explanation is as follows: — a 
man is as drunk as an owl, when he cannot see ; he 
is as drunk as a beggar, when he is very impudent-; 
he is as drunk as the devil, when he is inclined to 
mischief; and as drunk as a lord, when he is every 
thing that is bad. 

283. An earl marshal being told by a king, that 



$4 NOBLE. 

some of the arrangements for his coronation had not 
been sufficiently attended to, humbly answered, 
*' May it please your majesty, I shall endeavour to 
correct these faults next time/' 

284. A jockey lord met his old college tutor at a 
great horse fair. " Ah ! doctor/' exclaimed the 
peer, "-what brings you here among these high-bred 
cattle ? Do you think you can distinguish a horse 
from an assT y —" i My lord," replied the tutor, " I soon 
perceived you among these horses." 

285. A proud, but ignorant peer, observing one 
day at a table, that a person, eminent for his know- 
ledge and abilities, was intent on choosing the deli- 
cacies before him, said, " What ! do philosophers 
love dainties?" — " Why not?" replied the scholar. 
" Do you think, my lord, that the good things of this 
world were made only for blockheads f 

286. A baronet, who was a great amateur, and 
oven a practitioner, in boxing and wrestling, was 
proud of imparting his knowledge to such as con- 
sulted him in those sublime sciences. A nobleman in 
his vicinity, happening to call on him, they took a 
walk in the garden, when the baronet started his fa- 
vourite topic. The peer, full of politeness, said he 
should like to see a specimen of his skill. Without 

more invitation, Sir suddenly seized him from 

behind, and threw him over his head. His lordship, 
as soon as he could recover his feet, appeared all in a 
flame at the fall he had received. The gravity of the 
baronet was not to be altered. " My dear lord/' said 
he, ** this is a proof of my great friendship for you, 
I have never before shewn this master-stroke to any 
person living." 

287. Some years ago a noble peer, well known at 
St. James's for his unremitting assiduities, meeting 



NOBLE. 95 

with one of his old college companions, who had 
turned farmer, thus accosted him : " "Why don't you 
learn to please 2 You would then be no longer 
obliged to live by the labour of your hands/"' — u And 
why/' answered the farmer, " do you notlearn to 
work I You would then be no longer a slave." 

288. A person wishing to solicit a favour from a 
noble lord, of a mind superior to most, began to ad- 
dress him in a strain of flattery. His lordship ob- 
served, that he little understood him if he thought 
flattery would gain his point. " My lord, 7 ' answered 
the petitioner, successfully, " you are the only per- 
son I ever met with proof against flattery/' 

289. A nobleman invited a party to dine ; and the 
company assembled about seven o'clock, the hour 
appointed, and waited for him till they all began to 
discover symptoms of ennui and oscitancy. At last 
the noble host made his appearance, coolly looked 
at his watch, and ordered dinner ; and as coolly said, 
addressing himself to the half- famished circle, " I 
hope you don't think me late, I am just come from 
the Opera, where I only staid long enough to hear 
Catalani sing her first song. I had a great mind to 
encore the charming creature ; but it is disagreeable 
to make one's company wait, so I denied myself that 
pleasure on your account T 

290. A certain well known Scottish earl, whose 
brother was Chancellor of Britain not quite a cen- 
tury ago, remarked one day, in conversation with 

Mr. D m of L o, that his mother had left a 

very large fortune to her children. " Is it possible/* 
said Mr. D, " I never heard that she had a large 
fortune to leave ?" — " Yes, sir,'* replied his lordship, 
gravely, " she left them a very large intellectual for- 
tune ! v — " True, my lord/' said Mr. D. " I now per- 
fectly .understand you a and she acted as every pro- 



96 NOBLE. 

dent mother ought, — she left Iter whole fortune to Iter 
younger children" 

291. At the end of the avenue on the road side 
leading to the Earl of B***n's house at K******l 9 
there are two stone pillars on which is engraved the 
following distich : — 

" Placidam sub lihertate quietem." 

A countryman, who stood gazing on the inscrip- 
tion, was accosted by the noble proprietor, who 
asked Hodge if he understood the meaning of the 
lines. " O yes/' replied the waggish fellow, " I ken 
it well — it means, that travellers are far more wel- 
come to pass by, than to go up the avenue/' 

292. Soon after one of Mr. Pitt's batch of peers, 
one of the persons newly ennobled happened to ob- 
serve, that authors were often very ridiculous in the 
titles they gave. — " That," said Mr. Sheridan, " is 
an error from winch even kings appear not to be 
exempt." 

293. Mr. Pope being at dinner with a noble duke, 
had his own servant in livery waiting on him : the 
duke asked him, why he, that eat mostly at other 
people's tables, should be such a fool as to keep 
a fellow in livery only to laugh at him 1" — " 'Tis true," 
answered the poet ; — " I keep but one to laugh at 
me, but your grace has the honour to keep a dozen." 

294. A nobleman telling the husband of a lady 
remarkably beautiful, that he could never look at his 
wife without breaking the tenth commandment. 
" Your lordship," replied the gentleman, " is wel- 
come to break the tenth commandment as often as 
you please, provided you do not break the seventh." 

295. Mr. Gilford one day shewed a copy of verses 



NOBLE. 97 

lie bad just written, to a nobleman of rather dull 
comprehension. The nobleman, in reading them, 
said, " Here are things I don't understand." — 
" That's not my fault," said the satirist. 

296. A certain nobleman, who had not the charac- 
ter of being very courageous, one day asked a miser 
what pleasure he experienced in hoarding up so 
many guineas and not making use of them ? "I 
find as many charms in them," replied the miser, 
" as you do in carrying a sword." 

297. A great lord and a gentleman walking to* 
gether, there came a boy by leading a calf with both 
his hands. Says the lord to the gentleman, " You 
shall see me make the boy let go his calf." So say- 
ing, he came towards him, thinking that the boy 
would pull off his hat, but he took no notice of him. 
The lord seeing that, " Sirrah," says he, " do you 
not know me, that you use no reverence ?" — u Yes,"" 
says the boy ; 4< if your lordship will hold my calf, I 
will pull off my hat" 

298. A certain earl having beaten Anthony Hen- 
ley, at Tunbridge, for some impertinence, the next 
day found Henley beating another person. The 
peer congratulated Henley on his acquisition of spi- 
Tit. " O, my lord !" replied Henley, " your lordship 

and I know who to beat." 

299. Lord M n of the kingdom of Ireland, 

with no very large portion of either wit or wisdom, 
had a very exalted opinion of his own powers. Wheu 
once in a large company, and expatiating about him- 
self, he made the following pointed remark: — " When 
I happen to say a foolish thing, I always burst out a 
laughing." 1 envy you your happiness, my lord, 
then," said Charles Townsend, " for you mu3t cer- 
tainly live the merriest life of airy man in Europe/' 



93 CLERICAL. 

300. A noble lord having given a grand gala, his 
tailor made one among the company, whom his lord- 
ship walked up to, and accosted in the following 
manner: -" My dear sir, I recollect your face, but 
cannot remember your name f to which address the 
tailor whispered in answer, " I made your breeches ;" 
his lordship, taking him by the hand, said aloud, 
" Major Bridges, I am very glad to see you/' 



CHAP. IV. 



CLERICAL. 

Tillotson, Archbishop of Canterbury. 

301. Sir John Trevor, who for some misdemean- 
ors, had been expelled the house of commons, one 
day meeting with Archbishop Tillotson, cried out, 
" I hate to see an atheist in the shape of a church- 
man.' 7 — " And I," replied the good bishop, 4i hate to 
see a knave in any shape." 

King, Archbishop of Dublin. 

302. Dr. King, who had been many years arch- 
bishop of Dublin, and had been long celebrated for 
his wit and learning, when Dr. Lindsey, the primate 
of Ireland, died, claimed the primacy, as a prefer- 
ment to which he had a right from his station in the 
see of Dublin, and his acknowledged character in the 
church. Neither of these pretensions w r as admitted. 
He was looked upon as too far advanced in years to 
be removed. The reason alleged was as mortifying as 
the refusal : but the archbishop had no opportunity 
of shewing his resentment, except to the new pri- 
mate, Dr. Boulter ; whom he received in his own, 
house, and in his dining-parlour, without rising from 



CLERICAL. * 99 

his chair ; saying, by way of apology, with his accus- 
tomed sarcastic sneer on his countenance, " My lord, 
1 am certain you will forgive me, because your grace 
knows / am too old to rise. 1 ' 

Grossette, Bishop of Lincoln. 

303. Grossqtte, Bishop of Lincoln, had a brother, a 
farmer, who was very ambitious, and asked him to 
take him from his humble occupation and promote 
him to some high office. " Brother/' said the bishop, 
" if your plough is broken, I will pay for mending it; 
if one of} our oxen should die, I will give you money 
to buy another ; but a farmer I found you, and a 
farmer 1 will leave you/' 

Bonner, Bishop of London. 

304. When Henry VIIT. proposed to send Bishop 
J3onner to France, in a diplomatic capacity, the king 
told him that he must speak to the Gallic monarch in 
a very lofty tone, at the same time telling him what 
he should say. " Pltase your majesty," quoth the 
bishop, " if 1 should hold such haughty language, the 
French king, in all probability, would order my head 
to be chopped off." — u If he dared to do such a 
thing/' cried Harry, " I would chop off the heads of 
ten thousand Frenchmen for it." — *' True,'' said the 
prelate ; u but perhaps not any one of these heads 
would fit my shoulders." 

Jeremy Taylor, Bjshop of Down. 

305. When Jeremy Taylor was introduced to the 
Archbishop of Canterbury, who, from the report of 
his excellent talents in preaching (though he was 
then very young,) desired to see him, he was told by 
the prelate, that his extreme youth was a bar to his 
present employment. " If your grace," replied Tay- 
lor, " will excuse me this fault, I promise, if I Ike, 
to. mend it." 

LvofC- K 3 



100 CLEKICAL. 

Burnet, Bishop of Salisbury. 
306. Bishop Burnet, every body has heard of, but 
few are aequainted with his real character; his ene- 
mies have made him a worse man than lie was ; his 
friends perhaps a better. Be this as it will, in his 
charges to the clergy, he shewed a great deal of 
disinterested integrity, by vehemently exclaiming 
against pluralities, as a most sacrilegious robbery of 
the revenues of the church ; a remarkable effect of 
his zeal upon this subject may not be improper to be 
here related. In his first visitation at Salisbury, he 
urged the authority of St. Bernard, who being con- 
sulted by one of his followers whether he might 
not accept of two benefices, replied in the negative. 
" I intend," answered the priest, " to officiate in one 
of them by a deputy." — " Will your deputy be 
damn'd for you too V* cried the saint. u Believe me, 
you may serve your cure by proxy, but you must be 
damn'd in person." This expression so affected Mr. 
Kelsey, a pious and worthy clergyman there present, 
that he immediately resigned the rectory of Bemer- 
ton, in Berkshire, worth 2001. a-year, which he then 
held with one of equal value. This Christian act of 
self-denial was not, however, without its reward; 
for though their principles in church matters were 
very opposite, yet the bishop conceived such an es- 
teem for him, from this action, that he not only pre- 
vailed with the chapter to elect him a canon, but like- 
wise made him Archdeacon of Sarum, and gave him 
one of the best prebends in his church. 

Bull, Bishop of St. David's. 
307. At the restoration of Charles II. Dr. Bull, 
afterwards bishop of St. David's, who had zealously 
supported the royal cause in the time of the rebellion, 
was presented by the king with the grant of his for- 
mer living, which the chancellor Hyde made some 
difficulty to confirm. The doctor found his pocket 
exhausted by this delay, but being a man of wit, and 



CLERICAL. 101 

knowing the king's humour, he took occasion one 
day to tell him that he had just had his pocket picked, 
and that he had not a shilling' left. u Well/' said 
the king 1 , " and can't you tell the thief?" — " Why," 
replied Bull, U if I may speak the truth, I have 
caught your majesty's hand in it," and out he pulled 
the grant. u Cod's fish !" says the king, u are you 
not yet presented to your living?"—" No/' replied 
Bull, " nor ever shall with your chancellor's leave." 
On this the king gave him a grant of a better prefer- 
ment, which was then vacant, with a peremptory 
order to the chancellor to present him. When he 
waited on his lordship, the chancellor asked him his 
name, " Bull," answered he. " BullV said the chan- 
cellor, " where are year horns :" — " Please your hon- 
our," replied Bull, " the horns always go along with 
the hyde" 

Hough, Bishop of Worcester. 

308. Doctor Hough, some time since Bishop of 
Worcester, who was as remarkable for the evenness 
of his temper as for many other good qualities, hav- 
ing a great deal of company at his house, a gentleman 
present desired his lordship to shew him a curious 
weather-glass which the bishop had lately purchased, 
and which cost him above thirty guineas. The ser- 
vant was accordingly desired to bring it in ; but, in de- 
livering it to the gentleman, he accidentally let it fall, 
and broke it to pieces. The company were all a lit- 
tle deranged at the accident, and the gentleman, 
whose curiosity had been in some measure the cause 
of the misfortune, began to make a thousand apolo- 
gies. " Be under no concern, my dear sir," said the 
bishop, smiling, " I think it is rather a lucky omen; 
we have hitherto had a dry season, and I hope we 
shall have some rain ; for I protest I do not remem- 
ber ever to have seen the glass so low.'* 

Louth, Bishop of London. 

309. When the furor raged in the abusive contra- 

k 3 



102 CLERICAL. 

versy, agitated between Doctors Kenicot and Louth, 
relative to the propriety of the Hebrew language, 
they accidentally met in company, and, with great 
asperity, attacked each other. " I am informed," 
says Kenicot, " credibly informed, that you have as- 
serted, positively asserted, that I am, with respect to 
Hebrew, very ignorant." — " I don't recollect," rejoin- 
ed Louth, fct that 1 ever asserted, positively asserted, 
that — but, sir, I always thought it" 

Rundle, Bishop of Derby. 

310. Queen Caroline pressed Bishop Rundle to 
tell her of her faults. " If it so please your majes- 
ty," said he, " I will tell you of one. Persons come 
from ail parts of the kingdom to see your majesty 
when you attend Whitechapel chapel ; it is therefore 
to be lamented, that you talk so much to the king 
during divine service." — " Thank you, my lord hi- 
shop," said the queen ; " now tell me of another of my 
faults." — " That I will do," said he, " with great 
pleasure at some future time; but first correct that 
I have just mentioned." 

Dean Swift; 

311. The Dean once preached a charity sermon at 
St. Patrick's, Dublin, the length of which disgusted 
many of his auditors ; which, coming to his know- 
ledge, and it falling to his lot soon after to preach 
another sermon of the like kind in the same [dace, 
he took special care to avoid falling into the former 
error. His text was, "He that hath pity upon the 
poor lendeth unto the Lord, and that which he hath 
given will he pay him again." The Dean, after re- 
peating his text in a more than commonly emphati- 
cal tone, added, " Now, my beloved brethren, you 
hear the terms of this loan ; if you like the security 
down with your dust." It is worthy of remark, that 
the quaintness and brevity of this sermon produced 
a very large contribution. 



CLERICAL. 103 

312. Another story of this humorous divine is as 
follows: during the government of Berkely and Gal- 
way, who were jointly lords justices of Ireland, two 
livings, Larcor and Rathbeggan, were bestowed 
upon Mr. Swift; and as soon as he had taken posses- 
sion of them, he went to reside at Larcor. and gave 
public notice to his parishioners, that he would read 
prayers every Wednesday and Friday. Upon the 
subsequent Wednesday the bell was rung, and the 
rector attended in his desk, when, after having sat 
some time, and finding the congregation to consist 
only of himself and his clerk Roger, he began with 
great composure and gravity, bul with a turn pecu- 
liar to himself, " Dearly beloved Roger, the scrip- 
ture moveth you and me in sundry places," and then 
proceeded regularly through the whole service. 

3 13. A tailor, grown tired of his shop-board, where 
he had long been hatching fanatical innovations, took 
a bold spring from his seat to the pulpit, and soon ac- 
quired great popularity verbcsis stroplris, by loquacious 
canting. Elated with the success of his harangues 
among the swinish multitude, he took it into his head 
to attempt the conversion of the dean of St. Patrick's 
to the true faith. Swift, who was very easy of access, 
one moruing while in his study, saw, through a glass- 
door which opened into the anti-chamber, his fbot^ 
man conducting the tailor, who had a great Bible 
under his arm, and who, on being admitted, thus an- 
nounced his purpose : 4v 1 am come," said he, " by 
order of the Lord, to open your e3es, to enlighten 
your darkness, and to teach you the proper applica- 
tion of talents which you have so long abused." — 
" Indeed, my good friend," replied the dean, who 
knew the tailor, '* I am inclined to believe that you 
are commissioned by Heaven, as you come so criti- 
cally to relieve the perplexed state of my mind at 
this very instant." The tailor already exulted in the 
eertainty of success, (i Yon are well acquainted, no 



104 CLERICAL. 

doubt/' continued Swift, f with that passage in the 
tenth chapter of the Revelation of St. John, where. 
he describes a mighty angel coming down from hea- 
ven, with a rainbow on his head, a book open m his 
hand, and setting his right foot on the sea, and his 
left foot on the earth. I am quite at a loss how to 
calculate the extent of such a stride ; but I know it 
immediately lies in the line of your trade to tell me, 
how. many yards of cloth would make a pair of 
breeches for that angel V The tailor's confusion could 
only be equalled by the precipitancy of his retreat. 

Dr. Rennel, Dean of Winchester. 

314. " How strange it is," said a lady, " that fa- 
shionable parties should be called routs ! Why rout 
formerly signified the defeat of an army, and when 
the soldiers were all put to flight or to the sword, 
they were said to be routed." — " This title has some 
propriety too," said Doctor Rennell, " for at these 
meetings whole families are frequently routed out of 
house and home" 

315. Lord G , over the entrance of a beaur 

tiful grotto, had caused this inscription to be placed, 
" Let nothing enter here but what is good." Dr. 
Rennel, the Master of the Temple, who was walking 
over the grounds, asked, with much point, " Then 
where does his lordship enter V 

Dr. South. 

316. Dr. South, when he resided at Caversham, in 
Oxfordshire, was, one very cold winter's morning, 
called out of his bed to marry a couple who were 
then waiting at church. He hurried on his habili- 
ments, and went shivering to the church ; but seeing 
only an old man of seventy, and a woman about the 
same age, he asked his clerk in a pet — Where the 
bride and bridegroom were? and what those old 
folks wanted ] The old man replied, that they' eame 



CLERICAL. 105 

there to be married. He looked sternly at them, 
and exclaimed, " Married V 1 — " Yes, married" said 
die old man, hastily, u better marry than do worse/' 
— " Get yon gone, yon silly old tools,''' said the doc- 
tor ; " get home and do yoar worst ;" and then hob- 
bled out of the chnrch, abusing his clerk for disturb- 
ing him on so silly an occasion. 

317. Dr. South, when he once preached before 
Charles II. (who was not very often in a church) ob- 
serving that the monarch and all his attendants began 
to nod, and, as nobles are common men when they are 
asleep, that some of them soon after snored, he broke 
off his sermon, and called out, u My Lord Lauder- 
dale, let me entreat you to rouse yourself; you snore 
so loud that you will wake the king!'' 

318. When doctors Sherlock and South had some 
controversy on a theological subject, the former ac- 
cused the latter of using wit in the debate. South 
drily replied — That if it had pleased God to make" 
him (Dr. Sherlock) a wit, he wished to know what 
he w^uld have done. 

319. This witty preacher began one of his ser- 
mons to a grave congregation in these words : " The 
wages of sin is death. Poor wages, alas ! that a mail 
can't live by/' 

320. On another day, preaching before Charles the 
Second, he quoted the following text : " And it 
came to pass that the devil entered into a herd of 
swine, which ran violently down a steep hill into the 
sea." On which he remarked, " It is no wonder 
they should -do so, for they must rieeds go, whom the 
devil drives" 

Dr. Basil Kennet. 
221. The late Reverend Basil Kennet was once 



106 CLERICAL. 

chaplain in a man of war ; and as his lot was to mess 
with his brother officers, he found they were so ad- 
dicted to the impious and nonsensical vice of swear- 
ing, that he thought it not becoming his character to 
continue any longer among them, unless he could 
prevail upon them to leave it off; but conceiving, at 
the same time, that any grave remonstrance would 
have but little effect, he bethought himself of a stra- 
tagem which might answer his purpose. One of the 
company having entertained the rest with a story 
agreeable enough in itself, but so interrupted and 
perplexed with damme ! blood and wounds ! and 
such like expletives, as made it extremely ridiculous, 
Mr. Kennet then began a story himself, which he 
made both entertaining and instructive, but inter- 
larded it with the words bottle, pot, and glass, at 
every sentence. The gentleman, who was the most 
given to the silly vice, fell a laughing at Mr. Kennet, 
with a great air of contempt. "Why," said he, 
" damme, doctor, as to jour story, it is well enough ; 

but what the devil have we to do with your d d 

bottle, pot, and glass V Mr, Kennet very calmly 
replied, " Sir, J find you can observe what is ridicu- 
lous in me, which you cannot discover in yourself; 
and, therefore, you ought not to be offended at my 
expletives in discourse any more than at your own." 
— " Oh, damme, parson," said the officer, ifc I smoke 
you ; you shall not hear me swear another oath whilst 
I am in your company." 

Dr. Young. 
322. Dr. Young was once on a party of pleasure 
with a few ladies, going up by water to Vauxhall, 
and he amused them with a tune on the German 
flute. Behind him several officers were also in a 
boat, rowing for the same place, and soon came 
alongside the boat in which were the doctor and his 
party. The doctor, who was never conceited of his 
playing, put up his flute on their approach. One of 



CLERICAL. 107 

tlie officers, instantly asked why lie ceased to play, or 
put up his flute? " For the same reason/' said he, 
rt that I took it out — to please myself/' The son of 
Mars very peremptorily rejoined — That if he did not 
instantly take out his flute, and continue his music, 
he would throw him into the Thames. The doctor, 
in order to allay the fears of the ladies, pocketed the 
insult, and continued to play all the way up the river. 
During the evening, however, he observed the officer 
by himself in one of the walks, and making up to 
him, said, with great coolness, "It was, sir, to avoid 
interrupting the harmony either of my company or 
your's, that I complied with your arrogant demand ; 
but that you may be satisfied courage may be found 
under a black coat as well as under a red one, I ex- 
pect that you will meet me to-morrow morning, 
without any second, the quarrel being entirely entre 
nous." The doctor further covenanted, that the 
affair should be decided by swords. To all these 
conditions the officer assented. The duellists met ; 
but the moment the officer took the ground, the doc- 
tor pulled out a horse-pistol. " What !" said the 
officer, " do you intend to assassinate me?" — " No," 
replied the doctor ; " but you shall instantly put up 
your sword and dance a minuet, otherwise you are a 
dead man/ 7 The officer began to bluster, but the 
doctor was resolute, and he was obliged to comply. 
" Now," said Young, " you forced me to play 
against my will, and I have made you dance against 
your's ; we are therefore again on a level ; and, 
whatever other satisfaction you may require, I am 
ready to give it." The officer, convinced of the im- 
propriety of his conduct, immediately begged his 
antagonist's pardon, and they afterwards lived on 
?ery friendly terms. 

323. Dr. Young Was once going down into the 
country, to visit his friend Archdeacon Potter, but, 
in crossing a field near the archdeacon's house, his 



108 CLERICAL. 

horse nearly foundered, owing to the clayish- heavi- 
ness of the .soil. A little after his arrival, the doctor 
asked his friend r whose field that Mas: " 'Tis mine," 
said the other. " I thought so," answered the doe- 
tor; " 'tis Potters field to bury strangers in." 

Dr. Robert Henry. 

324. The Reverend Doctors Henry and M'Knighf 
were colleagues in the old church of Edinburgh. 
One Sunday, when it was Dr. M'Knight's turn to 
preach, he had got himself very much wette-d by a 
heavy rain, and was standing before the session- 
room fire, drying his clothes, when Dr. Henry came 
in, who he requested would that day take his place, 
as he had escaped the shower. "No, sir," replied 
the doctor, " preach yourself; you will be dry enough 
in the pulpit" 

Dr. Parr. 

325. Of a certain preacher, who, from early extra- 
vagance, had been what the sheriff's officers call a 
little shy, and, from a slight weakness m head, a 
little obscure, Dr. Pair wittily said, that " six days he 
was invisible, and on the seventh incomprehensible" 

326. Dr. Parr was not very delicate in the choice of 
his expressions, when heated by argument of con- 
tradiction. He once called a clergyman a fool, who, 
indeed, was little better. The clergyman said, he 
would complain of this usage to the bishop. " Do." 
said the doctor, " and my lord bishop will confirm 
you." 

Archdeacon Paley. 

327. Dr. Vernon, now Archbishop of York, a pre- 
late distinguished by the most pleasant affability c/ 
manners, had succeeded, in 1790, amidst a round of 
ecclesiastical promotions, to the see of Carlisle. 
Mr. Paley vacated. Dalston, on being collated, by 



CLERICAL. IGg 

his new diocesan, to the vicarage of Stanwix, in the 
more immediate neighbourhood of Carlisle. Being 
afterwards asked by a clerical friend, why he quitted 
Dalston, he answered with a frankness peculiar to 
him, for he knew no deceit : — " Why, sir, I had two 
or three reasons for taking Stanwix in exchange: 
first, it saved me double housekeeping, as Stanwix 
was within twenty minutes walk of my house in Car- 
lisle ; secondly, it was fifty pounds a year more in 
value ; and thirdly, I began to find my stock of ser- 
mons coming over again too fast." 

328. A lady once observed to Dr. Paley, at a card- 
table, at Lincoln — That the only excuse for their 
playing was that it served to kill time. — " The best 
defence possible, niadam," replied he, " though time 
wIH in the end kill us." 

329. The first time that Mr. Pitt went to Cam- 
bridge, after his election as member for the univer- 
sity, the sophs were naturally gaping for the good 
things in his gift. Dr. Paley, who preached before 
the young minister, chose this appropriate text : 
'• There is a lad here that hath two barley loaves and 
three small fishes; but what are these among so 
many/ 7 

Rev. William Burkitt. 

330. Mr. William Burkitt, author of a Practical 
Exposition of the £sew Testament, and other religi- 
ous books, was a facetious man. He was educated 
at Cambridge, and afterwards became minister of 
Dedham in Essex. Going one Sunday to church 
from the lecture house, he met an old Cambridge 
friend, who was coming to give him a call before ser- 
mon. After the accustomed salutations, Burkitt told 
his friend, that as he had intended him the favour of 
a visit, his parishioners would expect the favour of a 
sermon. The clergyman excused himself, by saying 

L 



110 CLERICAL* 

he had no sermon with him ; bat, on looking at Bur- 
kitt's pocket, and perceiving a corner of his sermon- 
book, he drew it gently out, and put it in his own 
pocket. The gentleman then said with a smile, 
** Well, 1 will agree to preach for you." He did so, 
and preached Burkitt's sermon. He, however, ap- 
peared to great disadvantage after his fraud, for he 
had a voice rough and untuneful, whereas Burkitt's 
was remarkably melodious. "Ah!" said Burkitt to 
him archly, alter sermon, as he was approaching him 
iri the vestry, u you was but hajf a rogue ; you stole 
my fiddle, but you could not steal my fiddlestick." 

Rev. Mr. Patten. 
331. A grotesque instance of the sudden power of 
gratitude, is shewn in a modern Kentish anecdote 
perfectly well attested. A parson of Whitstable, 
named Patten, was well known in his own neigh- 
bourhood as a man of great oddity, great humour, 
and equally great extravagance. Once standing in 
need of a new wig, his old one defying all farther as- 
sistance of art, he went over to Canterbury, and 
applied to a barber, young in the business, to 
make him one. The tradesman, who was just going 
to dinner, begged the honour of his new customer's 
company at his meal, to which Patten most readily 
consented. After dinner a large bowl of punch was 
produced, and the happy guest, with equal readiness, 
joined in its demolition. When it was out, the bar- 
ber was proceeding to business, and began to handle 
his measure, when Mr. Patten desired him to desist, 
saying he should not make his wig. " Why not !" 
exclaimed the honest host, " have I done any thing 
to oflend you, sir ?" — " Not in the least," replied the 
guest, " I find you are a very honest, good-natured 
fellow ; so I will take somebody else in. Had you 
made it, you would never have been paid for it" 

332. Bern?; one time at the house of a brother cier- 



CLERICAL. Ill 

gyrnan, who shewed him a very numerous collection 
of books,' in various languages, Patten asked him 
whether lie understood them all ? The answer being; 
in the affirmative, he rejoined, " Surely, surely, bro- 
ther, you mast have had your head broken with a 
feriek from the tower of BabeL" 

333. When Dr. Wake was Archbishop of Canter- 
bury, some tale-bearer informed his grace, that Mr. 
Patten had given a marriage certificate, which he had 
signed by the title of Bishop of Whitstable. At the 
next visitation the archbishop sternly asked Mr. P. 
" Whether the report was trueT 7 To which Patten 
replied, " 1 shall answer your grace's question by 
another — Are you fool enough to take notice of it, if 
it be r 

334. He was so much averse to the Athanasian 
creed, that he never would read it. Archbishop 
Seeker, having been informed of his recusancy sent 
the archdeaeon to ask him his reason. H I do not 
believe it," said the priest. " But your metropolitan 
does" replied the archdeacon. " It may be so," re- 
joined Mr. Patten, " and he can well afford it. He 
believes at the rate of seven thousand a year, and I 
only at that of fifty " 

335. The same prelate, during Patten's last illness, 
sent him ten guineas, by his archdeacon, to whom 
he made the following acknowledgment : — " Thank 
his grace most heartily, and tell him, Now I know 
he is a man of God, for I have seen his angelsJ" 

Lawrence Sterne. 

336. The following incident, which occurred at an 
^early period of Mr. Sterne's literary career, contri- 
buted much to establish his reputation for wit. There 
was a coffee-room in the principal inn at York, where 
gentlemen who frequented the house might read the 

L 2 



112 CLERICAL. 

newspapers: one of the greatest enjoyments of Yo- 
riek's life was spending an inoffensive hour in a snug 
corner of this room. There was a troop of horse at 
that time quartered in the city, one of the officers of 
which, a gay young man, spoiled by the free educa- 
tion of the world, but not destitute of many good 
qualities, was remarkable for his freedom of con- 
versation and pointed reflections upon the clergy. 
The modest Yorick was, therefore, often constrained 
to hear toasts he could not approve, and conversa- 
tions shocking to the ear of delicacy, and was fre- 
quently obliged to move his seat, or pretend deafness. 
The captain resolving this conduct should no longer 
avail him, seated himself by Yorick, so as to prevent 
his retreat, and immediately began a profane indecent 
tale, at the expense of the clerical profession, with 
his eyes fixed steadfastly on Yorick, who pretended 
for some time not to notice his ill manners ; when 
that became impossible, he turned to the military in- 
truder, and gravely said, " Sir, I'll now tell you my 
story : — my father is an officer, and is so brave him- 
self, that he is fond of every thing else that is brave, 
* even his dog : you must know we have at this time one 
of the finest creatures in the world of this kind ; the 
most spirited, yet the besk-natured that can be ima- 
gined ; so lively that he charms every body : but he 
has a trick that throws a strong shade over all his good 
qualities/' — "Pray what may that be V interrogated 
the officer. "He never sees a clergyman but he in- 
stantly flies at him," answeredYorick. "How long has 
he had that trick?" — " Why, sir/' replied the divine, 
with a significant look, " ever since he was a puppy" 

Rev. John Carter. 
4 337. Mr. John Carter, the incumbent of Bramford, 
in Suffolk, who had a great share of learning, and no 
less modesty to conceal it, dining among others of the 
clergy at an alderman's house in Ipswich, one of the 
company boasted of his own extraordinary genius 



CLERICAL. 113 

and knowledge, and defied any one present to start 
a question in theology or philosophy, to which he 
could not give a ready and a satisfactory answer. 
All present were silent for a time ; and when Mr. 
Carter saw that no one else would accept this arro- 
gant challenge, he said, " My plate furnishes me 
with a question to pose you. Here is a fish that nas 
always lived in salt water ; pray tell me, why he 
should come out a fresh fish, and not a salt one V 
This short question put the impertinent babbler to 
silence, and he was exposed to the derision of all the 
company. 

Rev. Mr. Ogilvy. 

338. Mr. Ogilvy, a Scottish clergyman, at Lunan, 
in Forfarshire, had a great deal of eccentricity. One 
Sunday, when he was in the middle of his sermon, 
an old woman, who kept an alehouse in the parish, 
fell asleep. Her neighbour jogged her, in order to 
wake her. The parson seeing this cried out, " I'll 
waken her, I warrant you. — Phew! — (whistling) — 
Janet! a bottle of ale and a dram V To which well- 
known salutation she instinctively replied, " Coming, 
sir." 

Rev. Mr. Suckling. 

339. Mr. Suckling, a clergyman of Norfolk, hav- 
ing a quarrel with a neighbouring gentleman, who in- 
sulted him, and at last told him, " Doctor, your gown 
is your protection ;" replied, " It may be mine, sir, 
but it shall not be your's ;" pulled it off, and threshed 
the aggressor. 

John Horne Tooke. 

340. Horne Tooke when he was in orders, after 
the ceremony of marrying a Quaker, demanded five 
shillings as his due. " How dost thou prove from 
scripture," said the Quaker^ " that thou oughtest to 
have from me such a share of earthly mammon V — 

L 3 



114 CLERICAL. 

" Why," replied the wit, u I take it for granted, that 
the person you have just been married to, is a woman 
of good character ; and Solomon, in his proverbs, 
observes, that " a virtuous woman is a crown to her 
husband." The Quaker paid the money. 

Daniel Burgess. 

341. The celebrated Daniel Burgess dining with a 
gentleman of his congregation, a large Cheshire 
cheese, uncut, was brought to table. " Where shall 
I cut it?" asked Daniel. "Anywhere you please, 
Mr. Burgess," answered the gentleman. Upon 
which Daniel handed it to the servant, desiring him 
to carry it to his house, and he would cut it at home. 

342. An hour-glass is still placed on some of the 
pulpits in country churches. Daniel Burgess, of 
whimsical memory, never preached without one, and 
lie frequently saw it out three times during one ser- 
mon. In a discourse which he once delivered at the 
conventicle in Russel-court, against drunkenness, 
some of his hearers began to yawn at the end of the 
second glass, but Daniel was not to be silenced by 
a yawn; he turned his time-keeper, and altering the 
tone of his voice, desired they would be patient a while 
longer, for he had much more to say upon the sin of 
drunkenness : " Therefore," added he, " my breth- 
ren, we will have another glass, and then—/ 7 

George Whitfield. 

343. The Rev. Mr. Whitfield once preaching in 
the tabernacle, in the middle of his sermon stopped 
short and said, " Perhaps, my friends, } r ou may think 
I ramble ; „ but if you tvill ramble to the devil I must 
ramble after you." 

Rowland Kill. 

344. When Rowland Hill was erecting- his chapel 
in Blackfnars Road, many of his congregation re* 



CLERICAL. 115 

sorted to a Baptist's meeting-house in that neighbour- 
hood ; this the divine did not like; and one day, 
when a number of his flock, who were passing to the 
house of ablution, stopped to look at the bricklayers 
employed in the building, some of the workmen, by 
asking them for money to drink, drove them away ; 
but as they were going, Rowland cried to the car- 
penters, " Come, lads, get on, s;et on ; if you trifle 
in this Way, all my chickens will be turned into ducks 
before my coop is ready to receive them/' 

345. Once holding forth at the chapel in Wapping, 
to a crowded audience, Mr. Hill used the following 
phrase, — " You are all sinners ! great sinners, vile sin- 
ners, wicked sinners, Wapping sinners." The last 
phrase bearing a double meaning, some of the con- 
gregation considered it as particularly aimed at their 
own vicinity, and never suffered him to enter their 
pulpit again. 

346. Rowland Hill, when at college, was remark- 
able for the vivacity of his manners, and humour of 
his observations. In a conversation on the powers 
of the letter H, in which it was contended that it was 
no letter, but a simple aspiration, or breathing, Row- 
land took the opposite side of the question, and in- 
sisted on its being, to all intents and purposes, 
a letter ; and concluded by observing, that, if it were 
not, it was a very serious affair to him, as it would 
occasion his being ill all the days of his life. 

347. The same eccentric minister was one day 
preaching on the vices of the present age, and repro- 
bated the leniency that is shewn to vices of the great- 
est enormity ; " Why," said he, " they don't so much 
as call the devil by his right name, but stroke him 
down the back, and call him, poor mistaken angel. 
Thus they don't even give the devil his due" 



110 CLERICAL, 

348. This zealous preacher observed that one of his 
hearers frequently indulged himself in sleep, and as 
frequently admonished him against such a practice. 
His patience being exhausted with such untractable 
behaviour, he determined to apply a more effectual 
remedy. The next sermon he preached, he found 
his old friend enjoying his nap, as usual, and to cure 
him of his lethargic disposition, he hurled his Bible 
at the drone's head with great violence, exclaiming, 
at the same time, " If you will not hear the word of 
God, you shall feel it." 

Anonymous. 

349. An ignorant rector had occasion to w r ait on 
a bishop, who was so incensed at his stupidity that 
he exclaimed, " What blockhead gave you a living?" 
The rector respectfully bowing, answered, " Your 
hrdship." 

350. A clergyman, who was at once a lover of ar- 
gument and of pudding, being at a visitation, in which, 
during the time of dinner, the archdeacon was hold- 
ing forth on the transitory things of this life, enumerat- 
ing health, beauty, riehes,'power, &c. the parson listen- 
ed with great attention, and afterwards turned round 
to help himself to a slice of pudding, when he found it 
was all eaten: on which, turning to the archdeacon, 
he begged that in future he would not, in his ca- 
talogue of transitory things, forget to insert a pudding. 



Sherlock, Bishop of London. 
351. Dr. Sherlock when preaching in the Temple 
church, concerning the customs of the primitive times, 
observed, among other things, that in those happy 
days all things were held in common but their wives. 
A gentleman in Qne of the pews pulled his next 



CLERICAL. 117 

neighbour by the sleeve, and whispered in his ear, 
u Their daughters, then, were common/' 

Fox, Bishop of Winchester. 

352. When Sir James Fox was Bishop of Winches- 
ter, he rang for the cook to bring dinner', and the 
fellow coming up without it ? he said he would be 
much obliged to him to let him have it as soon as 
possible : " I speak this/' added he, " as Bishop of 
Winchester ; but, as a man, let me tell you, if you 
come up without it again, I will break every bone in 
your body/' 

Fowler, Bishop of Gloucester. 

353. Dr. Fowler, Bishop of Gloucester, and Mr. 
Justice Powell, had frequent altercations on the sub- 
ject of ghosts. The bishop was a zealous defender of 
their reality : the justice somewhat sceptical. The 
bishop one day met his friend, and the justice told 
him, that, since their last conference on the subject, 
he had an ocular demonstration, which convinced 
him of the existence of ghosts. " I rejoice at your 
conversion,'' replied the bishop, " give me the cir- 
cumstance that produced it, with all the particulars: 
ocular demonstration, you say 2" — '* Yes, my lord, as 
I lay last night in my bed, about the twelfth hour I 
was awaked by an uncommon noise, and heard some- 
thing coming up stairs." — "Go on." — " Alarmed at 
the noise, I drew my curtain 1" — " Proceed V- — "And 
saw a faint glimmering light enter my chamber." — 
u Of a blue colour, was it not .'" — " Of a pale blue I 
The light was followed by a tall, meagre, stern figure, 
who appeared as an old man of seventy years of age, 
arrayed in a long light-coloured rug gown, bound 
round with a leather girdle; his beard thick and 
grisly, his hair scant and straight, his lace of a dark 
sable hue, on his head a large fur cap, and in his 
hand a long staff. Terror seized my whole frame ; I 
trembled till the bed almost shook, and cold drops 



118 CLERICAL. 

hung on every limb : the figure, with a slow and so- 
lemn step, stalked nearer and nearer/' — " Did you 
not speak to it ? There was money bid, and murder 
committed, without doubt." — " My lord, I did speak 
to it. I adjured it, by all that was holy, to tell me 
whence and why it thus appeared?" — " And in heaven's 
name, what was the reply?" — " It was accompanied, 
my lord, by three strokes of his staff upon the floor — 
so loud, that they made the room ring; again ; when 
holding up his lantern, and then waving it close to 
my eyes, he told me he was the watchman; and came 
to give me notice that my street door was wide open, 
and that, unless I rose and shut it, I might chance to 
be robbed before morning." The judge had no sooner 
-concluded than the bishop disappeared. 

Eglrton, Bishop of Durham. 

354. Dr. Egerton, the late Bishop of Durham, on 
coming to that see, employed a person of the name 
of Due, as his agent, to find out the true value of the 
estates held by lease under him ; and, in consequence 
of Due's report, greatly laised both the fines and 
rents of the tenants ; on which the following toast 
was frequently drunk in the bishopric : " May the 
Lord take the bishop, and the devil have his Due" 

Rev. Jeremiah White. 

355. Mr. Jeremy White, one of Oliver CromwelFs 
domestic chaplains, a sprightly man, and one of the 
chief wits of the court, was so ambitious as to make 
his addresses to Oliver's youngest daughter, the Lady 
Frances. The young lady did not discourage him; 
but, in so religious a court, this gallantry could not 
be carried on without being taken notice of. The 
Protector was told of it, and was so much concerned 
at it, that he ordered the person who told him to 
keep a strict look out; promising, if he could give 
him any substantial proofs, he should be well reward- 
ed., and White severely punched. The spy followed 



CLERICAL. 119 

his business so close, that in a little time he dogged 
Jerry White, as he was generally called, to the lady's 
chamber ; and ran immediately to the Protector, to 
acquaint hirn that they were together. Oliver, in a 
rage, hastened to the chamber, and, going in has- 
tily, found Jerry on his knees, either kissing the la- 
dy's hand, or having just kissed it. Cromwell, in a 
fury, asked what was the meaning of that posture 
before his daughter Frances ? White, with a great 
deal of presence of mind, said, " May it please your 
highness, I have a long time courted that young gen- 
tlewoman there, my lady's woman, and cannot pre- 
vail ; I was therefore humbly praying her ladyship to 
intercede for me/' The Protector, turning to t!» 
young women, cried, " What's the meaning of this, 
hussey ; why do you refuse the honour Mr. White 
would do you? he is my friend, and I expect you 
should treat him as such/' My lady's woman, who 
desired nothing more, with a very low curtesy, re- 
plied, " If Mr. White intends me that honour, I shall 
not be against him." — " Sayest thou so, my lass ** 
cried Cromwell; " call Goodwyn; this business shall 
be done presently, before I go out of the room." Mr, 
White was gone too far to go back ; his brother par- 
son came, and Jerry and my lady's woman were 
married in the presence of the Protector, who gave 
her live hundred pounds for her portion, which, with 
what she had saved before, made Mr. White easy in 
his circumstances ; except that he never loved his 
wife, nor she him, though they lived together near 
fifty years. 

Lawrence Sterne. 
3o6. Mr. Sterne being in company with three or 
four clergymen, was relating a circumstance which 
happened to him at York. After preaching at the 
cathedral, an old woman, whom he observed sitting 
on the pulpit stairs, 'stopped him as he came down, 
and begged to know where she should have the ho-* 



120 CLERICAL. 

nour of hearing him preach the next Sunday. Mr. 
Sterne having mentioned the place where he was to 
exhibit, found her situated in the same manner that 
day ; when she put the same question to him as be- 
fore. The following Sunday he was to preach four 
miles out of York, which he told her; and, to his 
great surprise, found her there too; and, that the 
same question was put to him as he descended from 
the pulpit. " On which," says he, " I took for my text 
these words, expecting to find my old woman as be- 
fore : ' I will grant the request of this poor widow ; 
lest by her often coming she weary me/ " — One of the 
company immediately replied, " Why, Sterne, you 
omitted the most applicable part of the passage, which 
is — Though I neither fear God, nor regard man." 
This unexpected retort silenced the wit for the whole 
evening. 

Huntington. 

357. Some little time back, when the ladies wore 
higher ornaments on the head than at present, Hun- 
tington took occasion to preach on the ungodliness 
of that fashion, and delivered his text as follows : — 
In the twenty-fourth chapter of St. Matthew, and 
seven teenth verse, are these words — Top-knot come 
down. He then proceeded to prove that this was 
an interdiction of God against high head-dresses, 
or t op-knots. A clergyman, whom curiosity induced 
to be present, was completely puzzled by tins text, 
and, when he returned home, instantly examined 
the chapter and verse from whence it was taken, 
where he found it thus written : — Let him which 
is on the house-top not come down, to take any thing 
out of his house. What an admirable expounder of 
the gospel ! 

358. The same illiterate sectarist was explaining to 
his congregation the great benefits arising from the 
sabbath, and, willing to shew his -learning, told theiii, 



CLEHICAt. 121 

that among other excellencies of the-Christian insti- 
tution, was the proper choice of the day. " The 
Jews/' said he, "keep it on the seventh, but we 
keep it on the first ; and if it were on any other it 
would make a broken week" 

359. lie was once dealing out damnation to his 
auditors, with great apparent comfort to himself, 
and edification to his hearers, in the following ele- 
gant and christ ian-like expressions : " You will all 
go to hell; God will never save your souls: per- 
haps you may think I will be your advocate ; but, 
no, I will tell of all your wicked behaviour/ 7 On 
which one of the ungodly observed to a bystander, 
(i The greatest rogues always turn king's evidence/' 

380. This prelatical nonconformist was in the ha- 
bit of frequently dining with Mr. S — — ■, one of the 
principal members of his church, on which occasions 
he was accustomed to speak to the servants of his 
generous host, in a tone so domineering, as to in- 
duce them at last to complain to their master, of the 
arrogance of his visitor. Mr. S — having satisfied 
himself of the justice of their complaints, took 
an opportunity of remonstrating with his pastor, 
in the mildest terms, on the impropriety of his 
conduct. This he did as he was conducting the 
reverend gentleman to town in his own carriage (for 
the ci-devant coal-heaver had not then started one), 
after he had spent the preceding day with him at his 
country residence ; but though he most cautiously 
endeavoured to avoid giving him offence, by the 
manner of his communication, the matter of it was 
so unwelcome to the ears of his spiritual director, 
that the thread of his remonstrance was interrupted 
by an indignant exclamation of — " Pray, sir, do you 
know who you are, that you are taking these liberties 
with me? You are but the ass to cam' the Lord's 
prophet." — " Am I so, sir/' replied Mr, S — , pulling 

M 



122 CLERICAL. 

the check-string of the carriage at the same time, 
* k then 1 am determined to shew you that I will be an 
-ass no longer — yon will therefore please to get out of 
this carriage, and find your way home how you can/' 
To remonstrate was in vain, and Huntington was 
oblig' d to get out of the chariot into the middle of 
the street ; which happened to be one of the dirtiest 
parts of the Borough ; the footman gladly lending 
him a helping hand in his descent. 

Anonymous and Miscellaneous. 
381. When the Czar Peter was in France, they 
presented him with every thing that he admired, and 
one day let fall at his feet a medal with his own por- 
trait engraved on it, with this inscription, vires ac- 
quirit eundo. When he was shewn the statue of 
Cardinal Richelieu, he discovered one of those vio- 
lent transports which none but great souls are ca~ 
pable of feeling. He mounted the tomb, and, em- 
bracing the statue, " Great statesman V exclaimed 
he, " why wert not thou born in my time; I would 
have given thee one half of my empire to have taught 
me how to govern the other !" A gentleman present 
observed — That if he had given the cardinal one half 
of his kingdom, the churchmen would not have been 
long without the other. 

362. An innkeeper at St. Andrew's, who kept the 
house where the eiergy dined, both before and after 
the Revolution, being asked what was the difference 
between the one and the other, answered, "There 
was not much : in the time of episcopacy, the dean 
used to call holdly for a bottle of wine ; afterwards 
the moderator whispered the maid to fetch a magnum 
bonnm." 

363. In a storm at sea, the chaplain asked one of 
the* crew if he thought there was any danger. " O 
yes/' replied the sailor ; " if it blows as hard as it 



CLERICAL. 123 

does now, we shall all be in heaven before twelve 
o'clock to-night.'* The chaplain, terrified at the ex- 
pression, cried out, " The Lord forbid!'* 

364. A countryman, who had often called at a cer- 
iain bishop's, and was always told that his lordship 
was at his studies, and could not be disturbed, " I 
wish," replied he, at last, u the king would never 
make folks bishops, who have not finished their 
studies." 

365. A buck parson going to read prayers at a 
village in the west of England, found some difficulty 
in putting on the surplice. " Confound the surplice," 
said he to the clerk, " I think the devil is in it." The 
clerk waited till the parson had got it on, and then 
answered, " I think as how he be, sir." 

366. A clergyman being requested by some of his 
parishioners to pray for rain, said — He would do any 
thing to oblige them, but it would be of no service as 
long as the wind continued in the same quarter. 
However, having obeyed the wish of his people, he 
was told by the beadle, as he went out, that a heavy 
shower was coming on. " I hope not," said he, " for 
I have not brought my umbrella." 

367. A poor labourer having been obliged to un- 
dergo the operation of having his leg cut off, was 
charged sixteen-pence by the sexton for burying it. 
The poor fellow applied to the rector for redress, who 
told him, he could not relieve him at that time; but 
that he should certainly consider it in his fees, when 
the rest of his body came to be buried." 

368. A vicar and a curate of a village, where there 
was to be a burial, were at variance. The vicar not 
cq ming in time, the curate began the service, and 
was reading the words, " I am the resarrection/' 

M 2 



124 CLERICAL. 

when the vicar arrived, almost out of Weath, and, 
snatching the book out of the curate's hands, with 
great scorn, cried, ** You the resurrection ! / am the 
resurrection," and then went on. 

369. A young clergyman of great modesty, preach- 
ing before Charles II. took for his text the 13th verse 
of the 139th Psalm — *' I am fearfully and wonder- 
fully made." Apprehension, rather than the warmth 
of the weather, having caused him to perspire, he 
had, just before naming the text, wiped his face 
with one of his hands, on which was a new black 
glove, and the consequence may easily be imagined. 
The Duke of Buckingham, one of the audience, on 
comparing the words of the text with the figure of 
the preacher, was seized with a fit of laughter, in 
which he was joined by Sir Henry Bennet and several 
of the courtiers, nor was the king, who loved a jest, 
to the great discomfiture of the preacher, able to re- 
sist the contagion. 

370. A gentleman dining one day with a dull 
preacher, dinner was scarcely over before the gentle- 
man fell asleep, but was awakened by the divine, 
and invited to go and hear him preach. " I beseech 
you, sir," said he, " to excuse me ; I can sleep very 
well where I am." 

371. A pot-girl, belonging to a village alehouse, 
thought proper one day to go to be catechised. Be- 
ing at the head of the pew, the curate began with 
her, "What is thy name?" — "Lord, sir," said she, 
"how can you ask that question, when every night 
you cry out a dozen times, Nan, you jade, bring us 
another pot." 

372. A preacher had divided his sermon into 
thirty-two sections. One of his auditory rose imme- 
diately, who being asked where he was going? " To 



CLERICAL. \25 

fetch my Right-cap," said he ; for I foresee we shall 
pass the night here." In effect, the preacher, having 
lost the thread of his subdivisions, could never reach 
the end of the sermon. The whole auditory losing 
patience, and seeing the night approach, tiled off, 
one after the other. The preacher, who was short- 
sighted, did not perceive this desertion, and continued 
to gesticulate in the pulpit, when a little singing boy, 
who remained alone, cried out to him, u Sir, here are 
the keys of the church, when you have done be so 
good as to lock the gate." 

373. A writer on English grammar gives the fol- 
lowing example of false emphasis: — A clergyman, in 
reading the 18th chapter of 1st Kings, ver. 27, gene- 
rally placed the emphasis on the words denoted by 
italics : " And he spake to his sons, saying, Saddle 
me the ass. And they saddled him" 

374. A few years ago the Isle of Sheppey being an 
inconsiderable parish, and the income not very large, 
their vicar came there but once a month. The pa- 
rishioners being much displeased with this, desired 
their clerk, who was that year churchwarden also, to 
remind him of his. duty, and to remonstrate with him 
on his negligence. The clerk told the vicar the sense 
of the parishioners; and the reply Mas, "Well, well, 
tell them, if they will give me ten pounds a yearmore, 
I Mill come to them once a fortnight ; and be sure, Jo- 
nathan, to let me know their answer the next time I 
come." The next time he did come, he accordingly 
asked, and Jonathan answered, " Sir, they say as 
how, if you will excuse them ten pounds a year in 
their tithes, they will dispense with your coming at 
all/' 

375. A farmer, who had married a rich wife, after 
he had promised another of meaner circumstances, 
was severely reprimanded by the parish vicar, who 

M 3 



126 CLERICAL. 

told him it was so very bad, that he knew nothing to 
equal it. "But I do," answered the farmer, " it is 
like your taking at first a poor Irving, which you threw 
up the moment a richer one fell in your way/' 

376. Many years ago, while a clergyman on the 
coast of Cornwall was in the midst of his sermon, the 
alarm wns given- — "A wreck! a wreck!" The con- 
gregation, eager for their prey, were immediately 
making off, when the parson solemnly entreated 
them to hear only five words more. This arrested 
their attention, until 'the preacher, throwing off his 
canonicals, descended from the pulpit, exclaiming, 
* Now let's all start fair." 

377. A poor curate sent his servant to a chandler's 
shop kept by one Paul, for bacon and eggs, for his 
Sunday's dinner, on credit. This being refused, the 
damsel, as she had nothing to cook, thought she 
might as well go to church ; and entered as her mas- 
ter, in the midst of his discourse, referring to the 
apostle, repeated, " What says Paul?" The good 
woman, supposing the question addressed to her, an- 
swered, " Paul says, sir, that he'll give you no more 
trust till you pay your old score." 

378. A clergyman of Oxford, who was very nervous 
and absent, going to read prayers at St. Mary's, 
heard a showman in the High Street, who had an 
exhibition of wild beasts, repeat often, " Walk in 
without loss of time. All alive! alive, ho!" The 
sounds struck the absent man, and ran in his head 
so much, that when he began to read the service, and 
came to the words in the first verse, " and doeth that 
which is lawful and right, he shall save his soul 
alive ;" he cried out, with a louder voice, " shall save 
his soul alive ! all alive, alive, ho!" to the aston- 
ishment of the congregation, 



CLERICAL. 127 

879. Two reverend gentlemen were conversing 
together, when one complained to the other that he 
found it a great hardship to preach twice a week. 
" Well," said the other, tk I preach twice on a Sun- 
day, aud make nothing of it" y 

380. It is customary for the clergy in most coun- 
ties to have annual visitations, in order to settle the 
affairs of the church. There belonged to a society of 
this sort, in Dorsetshire, a clergyman of good nature 
&nd good fortune ; one who was a good Christian, a 
good poet, and a good divine, capable of making ex- 
cellent sermons, though he preached them badly. 
At one of these meetings, after the gentlemen had 
dined, and the servants were set down together, this 
Clergyman's man, who was a stranger, asked another, 
" What so many parsons met together for?" — " Why, 1 ' 
answered he, " to swap sermons." — " Aye," quoth 
the farmer, " then my master is always most terribly 
cheated, for he never gets a good one." 

381. A clergyman gave for his text the following 
words : " In my father's house are many mansions,'" 
which he many times repeated. An old man belong- 
ing to his congregation stood up and replied, " Many 
mansions in your father's house ! I knew r your fa- 
ther's house before you was born, and it consisted 
just of a but and a ben, (a kitchen and bedroom)." 

382. A dignitary of York was once benighted and 
bogged upon Stockton-common ; and, being alone, 
he called aloud for help to some passengers who were 
coming from market. They immediately answered, 
" Who are you?" Upon which the doctor enumerated 
his preferments, saying, " The rector of Folkton, rec- 
tor of Hunmanby, and vicar of Muston." — u . Nay, 
marry," said one of them, " if you be so many of 
you, you may e'en help one another out'' 



128 CLERICAL. 

383. The following is a genuine anecdote of the 
late Matt. Horsley, the noted fox-hunter. — When 
servant to Mr. C — , a gentleman in the neigh- 
bourhood of Scarborough, Matt was in the habit of 
having to attend upon a certain parson, an occasional 
visitor at his master's, and who, rather more through 
penuriousness than poverty, generally paid his vails 
with, " Good night, Matthew." This, it is reason- 
able to suppose, did not settle well on Matt's stomach ; 
for at that time, no doubt, he could spend a little, 
more than;his wages, and of course had no objection 
to an easy-got shilling. Though it could never be 
§aid of Matt, that he harboured in his bosom the 
baser passions of revenge ; yet he liked with all his 
heart a smart retort for the sake of fun ; and it was 
not long before accident, or rather the parson's fruga- 
lity, gave him an opportunity of full gratification. It 
happened that the parson, by appointment, was to 

make a journey with Mr. C , and that he might 

be ready to start with his company, or rather perhaps 
to save his supper at home, he came over-night. The 
morning proved rainy, with strong indications of con- 
tinued wet, and the parson had unfortunately brought 
his better hat, which had cost him a serious sum, and 
which he well knew the rain would totally spoil. 
This circumstance gave him much alarm, and pro- 
bably would have disappointed him of the plea- 
sures of the day, had not his inventive powers, which 
were always wonderfully ready and happy in his own 
behalf, hinted the expedient of borrowing Matt's, 
and of leaving his own in safe coverture behind. The 

boon was as readily granted as asked ; and Mr. C 

and the parson commenced their journey, followed 
by Matt, dressed in the parson's new hat, disfigured 
by having the brim slouched about his ears. The 
object of the journey being accomplished, the travel- 
lers returned dropping wet, having rode through a 
heavy and continued rain. On the following morn- 
ing ; the parson, being about to return home^ inquired 



CLERICAL. 129 

for his hat, which was produced quite drenched with' 
wet* and though partly frantic through the sudden 
impulse of anger, he still had presence of mind to 
call for Matt, and enquire the cause which involved 
this ruin, and received for answer, uttered with that 
ready composure which Matt never wanted :— 
u Wya, sur, you gat mane ; and you sartantly didn't 
think I was sike a feal as to follow you i't rain bare- 
bead/' 

384. A young and learned gentleman, who was to 
preach a probation sermon for a very good lecture- 
ship in the city, had but a bad voice, though other- 
wise an excellent preacher ; a friend, when he came 
out of the pulpit, wished him joy, and said, " He 
would certainly carry the election, for he had no* 
body's voice against him but his own" 

385. A reverend divine being accused of negli- 
gence in his calling, and styled " an unfaithful shep- 
herd/' from scarcely ever visiting his flock, defended 
himself by saying, he was always with them at the 
" shearing time t ,} 

386. A clergyman in the north, who had a large 
family, and but a very small living, exercised himself 
very much in fishing. It happened once that the 
archdeacon, going on his visitation, passed by the 
spot where the parson was at his favourite sport ; 
and seeing him dressed in black, asked if he was the 
clergyman of the parish? 4< Yes, sir/ 7 answered the 
vicar. — " Well," quoth Mr. Archdeacon, " and have 
you many souls here ?" — "No/' says the vicar, who 
was intent upon his fishing ; u we have no soles here ; 
but we have flounders, gudgeons, and chubs." 

387. A reverend clergyman, well known for his 
critical talents, and not more distinguished for his 
extensive learning than for his propensity to those 



130 



CLERICAL. 



amusements which characterized parson Adams, ^ 
related the following anecdote of himself to a se- 
lect circle of friends. The conversation happened 
to turn upon the folly of some men's wives; upon 
which, said the doctor, " I will give you an instance 
of the folly of mine, and, I am persuader!, you must 
acknowledge it exceeds every thing you ever heard 
of." He thus proceeded : — " You must know, that 
some time ago the bishop of was contemp- 
lating a translation of the Four Gospels; and it oc- 
curred to his lordship, that he probably might derive 
some advantage by consulting me upon the subject. 
I need not tell you how much I am attached to my 
pipe, nor what irresistible charms I find in a game at 
skittles. Now I happened to be -enjoying both my 
favourite amusements at the Wheat-sheaf, when his 
lordship ordered his carriage, and repairing to my 
house, enquired whether I was at home ? My wife, 
instead of denying me, as a sensible woman ought to 
have dorte, said 1 was at the Wheat-sheaf. The bi- 
shop naturally thought the Wheat-sheaf might be 
some corn-chandler's, where I was disposing of my 
tithe corn, or the produce of my glebe land. He said 
to his coachman, ' John, do you know where tjid 
Wheat-sheaf is?* — c O yes, my lord,' replied John. 
•— ' Well, drive there/ John obeyed, and in a few 
minutes the carriage stopped at the ale-house, where 
I was in the height of rny glory. The bishop stared 
at the appearance of the place, as well he might. 
However, he alighted, and asked the landlord 

whether doctor — was there ? — * Always at this 

hour/ returned Boniface, i you'll find him in tike 
skittle-ground/ — c The skittle-ground !' muttered his 
lordship, as he advanced, ' what can he be doing 
there?' He soon discovered me in the midst of the 
profanum vulgus, who were attending minutely to the 
circumstances of the game. I was the hero of the 
contest, and was unluckily, at that precise moment, 
m the very act of endeavouring to tip all nine. I 



CLERICAL. 131- 

was stooping down, with my pipe in my mouth, the 
skirts of my coat tucked under my left arm, and a 
bowl in my right hand ; my wig a little awry. 1 was 
aiming at the middle pin, and exclaimed — ' Well 
here goes at the head of the church V Before the 
bowl had well quitted my grasp, the bishop tapped me 
on the shoulder, saying, ' What, doctor, is it you!' 
I looked round, and became petrified, as if I had 
seen the Gorgon's head. I could not speak for some 
time, but at last I stammered out, ' Yes, my lord, it 
is me/ — ' I am surprised to see you in such a place/ 
added his lordship. — * And I am equally astonished 
at seeing your lordship : but you must know, my lord, 
that I am afflicted with a pain in the chest, attended 
at times with a difficulty of utterance. Your lord- 
ship may easily perceive how I am affected at this 
moment/ — ' I do perceive it, indeed/ rejoined the 
dignitary. I continued : ' for this complaint, my 
physicians order me to use the exercise in which you 
see me employed, and they tell me I shall derive 
great benefit from it/ The bishop turned upon his 
heel, and left me with this remark : * Proceed, doc- 
tor, with your game ; I wish you all the benefit from 
it your physicians have promised you ; but I am 
afraid it will never procure you a benefice' Now, 
my friends, I ask you, whether you ever heard of any 
woman's committing an act half so silly, as a clergy- 
man's wife sending a bishop to a skittle-ground in 
search of her husband V The company admitted the 
application of the story, and the doctor's wife was, 
by common consent, admitted to have, in this in- 
stance, exceeded the folly of all their wives. 

388. The rector of Hui worth, in the county of 
Durham, preached three Sundays successively upon 
these words : " Behold, now, the axe is laid to the 
root of the tree/' It happened that a timber-mer- 
chant came to the village, and enquired at the.public- 
house, if the landlord couid inform him cf a gcod 



132 



CLERICAL. 



purchase I The host very gravely recommended lam 
to the parson of the parish ; " For," says Boniface. 
" he has been felling wood the last three weeks." 
The unwary traveller, believing the information^ 
waited upon the doctor, who was astonished at the 
application, and began to reprove the merchant for 
his insolence. The man, equally surprised, related 
what he had heard from the landlord ; upon which 
the rector's wife unravelled the mystery, and said, 
* * My dear, 1 hope this will be a warning to you in 
future, not to preach three Sundays from the same 
text." 

389. A clergyman said to one of his poor parish- 
ioners, " You have lived like a knave, aud you will 
die like a knave/' — " Then/' said the poor fellow, 
" you will bury me like a knave." 

390. Dr. W. a divine, seldom in church, but a rigid 
justice of peace, having a fellow before him, said, " I 
shall teach you law, I warrant you." — " Sir," answer- 
ed the fellow, " it would be better if you would teach 
me gospel. 7 * 

391. An honest bluff country farmer, meeting the 
parson of the parish in a bye-lane, and not giving 
him the way so readily as he expected, the haughty- 
divine, with an erect crest, told him, — He was better 
fed than taught. — '* Very true indeed," replied the 
farmer, " for you teach me, and I feed myself." 

392. A dignified clergyman, going to his living to 
spend the summer, met near his house a comical old 
chimney-sweeper, with whom he used to chat " So. 
John," says the doctor, " whence came you?" — 
" From your house, sir," says Mr. Soot; " for this 
morning I swept all your chimneys." — u How many 
were there ?" says the doctor. u No less than twen- 
ty," quoth John. — " Well, and how much a chimney 



CLERICAL. 153 

have you V — " Only a shilling" a-piece, sir.** — u Why 
then,'' quoth the doctor, " you have earned a great 
deal of money in a little time." — " Yes, yes/' says 
John, throwing his bag over his shoulder, " we black 
coats get our money easy enough." 

393. In a conn try parish, the wife of the lord of 
the manor came to church, after her lying-in, to re- 
turn thanks, or, as it is commonly termed, to be 
churched. The parson, aiming to be complaisant* 
and thinking plain " woman" a little too familiar, in- 
stead of saying, " O Lord, save this woman !" said, 
" O Lord, save this lady !" The clerk , resolving not 
to be behind-hand with him in politeness, answered,. 
" Who putteth her ladyship's trust in thee/' 

394. A certain field-preacher, in explaining to his 
congregation the nature of hell r told them he had 
lived there eleven months. " It is a great pity/' said 
one of the hearers, " that you did not stay there a, 
month longer, for then yon would have gained a legal 
settlement" 

395. An itinerant parson holding forth on these 
words: " But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and 
his righteousness, and all these things shall be added 
ttnto you ;" alter he had almost exhausted his elo- 
quence on the subject, concluded with a homely si- 
mile, adapted to the understanding of his auditory. 
" They shall be added to you," said he, " like paper 
and packthread, which you always get over and 
above at the grocer's, when you lay out your money/* 

396. A non-conformist parson, preaching on the 
fire of London, said, " The calamity could not be 
occasioned by the sin of blasphemy ; for, in that 
case, it would have begun at Billingsgate : nor lewd- 
ness, for then Drury-iane would have been first on 
fire : nor lying ; for then the flames had reached them. 

N 



134 CLERICAL. 

from Westminster-hall : no, my beloved, it was oc- 
casioned by the sin of gluttony ; for it began at Pud- 
ding-lane, and ended at Pie-corner" 

397. A methodist preacher in Moor-fields some 
years since, prophesied the destruction of the French 
from a prophecy contained in the 35th chapter of 
Ezekiel. — The following verse, which forms the text, 
is directed against Mount Seir, which he englisbed 
moimsieur, ?< Thus saith the Lord, behold, oh, moun- 
seer! I am against thee, and I will stretch out my 
hand against thee, and make thee desolate !" 

398. An illiterate methodist preaching in London 
was completely gravelled when he had scarcely 
preached ten minutes, and all his resource was the 
text, " Luke, the physician salutes you." This he 
had frequently repeated, when a person who had 
strolled in, tired of the repetition, rose and said, 
" Pray then salute him in return, from us, and make 
our best respects to him." 

399. A dissenting minister, celebrated for the ec- 
centricity of his manner, uniformly made it one of 
the questions which he addressed to those of the 
lower order, who applied to be admitted as commu- 
nicants with his people, " Do you drink gin?' To 
this pointed question he once received as an answer, 
from a female applicant, an acknowledgment that 
she sometimes did. Not satisfied, however, with her 
candid confession, he pressed her very closely to tell 
him how often she drank it. Irritated at length by 
his pertinacity, she answered in a very sharp tone "As 
often as parsons drink wine." — " And pray," said he, 
" how often is that?"—" As often as they can get it 
without paying for it," was the reply; which effectu- 
ally silenced her rigid catechist. 

400. A board, of dissenting ministers were some 



LEGAL. 135 

years since examining five or six young men, who 
were candidates for admission into the missionary se- 
minary, at Gosport, when one of them, celebrated 
for the personality of many of his questions, asked 
the candidate under examination, " What was his 
besetting sin V To this question the replies were such 
as were perfectly satisfactory to the whole of the, ex- 
aminers, excepting the minister who had first pro- 
posed, and still pursued the enquiry. At length, 
however, his patience being completely worn out, the 
young man effectually silenced his tormenter by tel- 
ling him, — That, as he was pushed so closely, he 
must honestly confess, that his besetting sin, was to 
give saucy answers to impertinent questions. 



CHAP. V. 

LEGAL. 

CORACIUS. 

401. Coracius agreed to teach Sosio rhetoric for a 
certain rew r ard, which was to be paid as soon as the 
pupil had become master of the art. But when he 
had learned it, he refused to advance the stipulated 
sum, upon which he was sued by Coracius. Sosio, 
relying upon the sophistry he had learned, asked him 
what rhetoric was ? — " The art of persuasion," replied 
Coracius. " Oh then," said Sosio, " if I persuade 
the judges I owe you nothing, I shall have nothing to 
pay you, because I shall have gained my suit; and, 
if I am unable to persuade them, still you will have 
no demand on me ; because, in that case, it will be 
proved that I am not master of the art of persuasion ; 
therefore I think you will do well to proceed no far- 
ther." But Coracius, who was not to be foiled with 
liis own weapon, retorted his argument upon him 

N % 



136 LEGAL. 

thus : — " Though you should succeed in persuading 
the judges, you shall nevertheless pay me, because 
then it will appear that you are perfect in the art of 
persuasion ; and if you fail to persuade them, you 
shall still pay me, because then you will lose your 
suit ; so pay you must, and pay you shall." 

Cicero. 

402. The Sphinx, it may be recollected, was sup- 
posed by the antients to have been the interpreter of 
riddles. Hortensius, the great Roman pleader, had 
a present made him of a curious and valuable figure 
of the Sphinx as a bribe, by Verres, who was tried 
for his bad government of Sicily. Hortensius, plead- 
ing for Yerres against Cicero, said, " Your allusions 
^re so obscure, that I want some one to explain your 
riddles." — " You cannot be at a loss on that account,*' 
replied Cicero, " as you have the Sphinx at home." 

Catulus. 

403. An indifferent pleader asked Catulus, "Have 
1 not succeeded in making a very moving speech?" — - 
M Certainly/' said he; "for some of your audience 
pitied you, and the rest walked out of courts * 

Sir -Thomas More. 

404. When Sir Thomas More was lord chancel- 
lor, a nobleman, who had a cause pending hi his 
court, sent him two large silver flaggons, of great 
value : " Tell my lord," said Sir Thomas to the bearer, 
* fc that they shall he filled, and when he has emptied 
them, he shall have some more wine, if he approves it, ,; 

405. When lord chancellor, he sentenced a gen- 
tleman to pay a considerable sum of money to a poor 
widow, whom he had oppressed. The gentleman re- 
monstrated, and said, 4 * I hope your lordship will 
give me time, and a long day, to pay so large a sum." 
— " You shall have your request," said the chancel- 



LEGAL. 137 

lor ; " Monday next is St. Barnabas, the longest day 
in all the year; pay the widow then, or you shall 
sieep in the Fleet the shortest night in the year/* 

406. Sir Thomas More, on the day that he was 
beheaded, had a barber sent to him, because his hair 
was long, which it was thought would make him more 
pitied by the people. The barber came to him, and 
asked him, — Whether he would please to be trim- 
med? — P In good faith, honest fellow/' said Sir Tho- 
mas, " the king and I have a suit for my head ; and 
till the title be cleared, 1 will do no cost upon it." 

Lord Keeper Hatton. 

407. During a cause, in which the boundaries of a 
piece of land were to be ascertained, the counsel of 
the one part stated, " We lie on this side, my lord (' 
and the counsel of the other part, " And we lie on 
this side." The chancellor, who was Sir Christopher 
Hatton, hearing this, stood up, and said, " Nay, if 
you lie on both sides, I can believe neither of you.'* 

Lord Chancellor Bacon. 

408. Queen Elizabeth being much enraged against 
Dr. Hay ward, author of the Life of Henry the 
Fourth, had ordered her law officers to proceed 
against him ; and, amongst others, inquired of Bacon, 
If there was not treason in the book? The witty 
lawyer readily answered, " No, madam, I cannot an- 
swer for there being treason in it, but I am certain it 
contains much felony" — " How!" eagerly exclaimed 
her majesty, M how and wherein ? v — " In many pas- 
sages," replied he, " which he has stolen from Ta- 
citus." 

Lord Chancellor Jeffries. 

409. When Jeffries was told that the Prince of 
Orange would very soon land, and it was reported 
that a manifesto, stating his inducements, objects, 

N 3 



138 LEGAL. 

&e. was already written, " Pray, my lord chief jus- 
tice/' said a gentleman present, " what do you think 
will be the heads of (his manifesto?" — " Mine will be 
one," replied he. 

Lord Chancellor Talbot. 
410. A very considerable living falling in the gift of 
the late Lord Chancellor Talbot, who was a man of a 
noble and generous spirit, Sir Robert Walpole took 
the freedom to recommend to his lordship's notice a 
friend of his whom he wished to oblige. His lord- 
ship having no objection to the gentleman's charac- 
ter, very frankly told Sir Robert, that his friend should 
be obliged. While the matter thus rested as deter- 
mined, though the necessary forms of induction were 
yet un passed, the curate, who had served the former 
incumbent for many years, ami had an unexception- 
able character, applied to his lordship, with letters of 
recommendation from the best people in the parish, 
setting forth the hardships he laboured under by 
reason of his numerous family, and the inconveni- 
ences he must sutler should he be constrained to 
move ; and therefore earnestly intreating his lord- 
ship's interest with the next incumbent, to continue 
him in his curacy. The chancellor received the cu- 
rate with his wonted goodness, and entering into con- 
versation with him, found him to be an excellent 
scholar, and of lively parts ; and, on asking him what 
his curacy might be worth, was told about 401. a year. 
u Well, sir," said he, " I'll not only grant your suit, 
but endeavour to raise your income;" and accord- 
ingly, when the clergyman, to whom the living was 
promised, came to press forward his presentment, his 
lordship took occasion to speak to him in favour of 
the old curate, and withal to intimate that the salary, 
considering the man's family and abilities (which he 
assured him were none of the meanest), was too 
small for him to live upon, and therefore wished him 
to make it up sixty pounds a year, which, with the 



LEGAL, '139 

bounty of his parishioners, would afford him a com- 
fortable subsistence. The clergyman paused a little 
at such an unexpected request; but soon recollecting 
himself, said, u I am exceedingly sorry that I cannotf 
oblige your lordship in the choice of the gentleman, 
you recommend, having already engaged a near re- 
lation, whom I cannot dismiss with honour. 7 ' — 
" What!" said his lordship, " have you engaged a 
curate before you are possessed of the living V } He 
said — He had. J' Then, sir," replied the chancellor, 
with some warmth, " I shall furnish you with the 
best excuse in the world to dismiss him, for I shall 
dispose of the living to another :" and, without staying 
to hear his reply, left him. In a few days the old 
curate took the liberty to wait upon his lordship, to 
learn the success of his interposition with the de- 
signed incumbent. My lord told him frankly, he had 
used the most pressing arguments in his favour he 
was master of, but was unable to succeed. Here the 
tears began to flow involuntarily from the old man's 
eyes, who was going to retire to vent his grief, wheH 
the chancellor calling him back, said, " Sir, I per- 
ceive your distress, and I really pity you : the curacy 
I cannot give you, but the Kving 1 can ; and you may 
write to your family and friends by the next post, 
that, though you only applied for the curacy, your 
modesty and merit have gained you the rectorship." 
He blest the chancellor, and, unable to utter a word 
more, left him. 

Lord Chancellor Thurlow. 

411. Lord Thurlow, in his juvenile days, meeting 
a brother barrister, the following dialogue was com- 
menced, and quietly conducted — " Thurlow, I am 
told the bar-maid at Nando's is with child.' 7 — u Well 
what's that to me?" — " Why, I am told it is yourV 
— " Well, what's that to you \" 

412. Mr. Pitt was disputing at a cabinet dinner on 



140 LEGAL. 

the ei^ergy and beauty of the Latin language. In 
support of the superiority which he affirmed it to have 
over the English, he asserted, that two negatives 
made a thing more positive than one affirmative pos- 
sibly could. " Then/' said Thurlow, " your fa- 
ther and mother must have been two complete nega- 
tives, to make such a positive fellow as you are." 

413. A person came running almost breathless to 
I^ord Chancellor Thurlow. " My lord/' said he, " I 
bring you tidings of calamity to the nation, and I do 
Hot know how far the direful effects of it may spread 
to endanger the church and state." — " What is the 
matter, man ?" said the impatient chancellor. " My 
lord/' continued this magnifier of political mischief, 
" a rebellion has broken out." — " Where, where?" — 
" In the Isle of Man." — " A rebellion in the Isle of 
Man," repeated the vociferous and enraged chancel- 
lor ; " a tempest in a tea-pot !" 

414. A certain bishop, devoid of sense, wit, or 
merit, had a perpetual laugh on his countenance. 
" You see/' said Lord Thurlow, " he laughs in 
contempt at the king, for having made him a 
bishop." 

415. A certain great personage sent express for 
Lord Thurlow, when chancellor, to Windsor. As 
he was walking the Terrace, his lordship coming up, 
said, in his blunt way, " Well, what do you want 
now?" — " Oh, Thurlow, I am glad you are come; I 
want you very particularly." — " Well, what's the 
matter?" — " You have such a living in your gift at 
present."— " Yes, and what then ?" — " I am to beg 
you to give it to a man I wish to befriend." — " In- 
deed! but I shall do no such thing; such livings 
don't come every day; why, it is fifteen hundred a 
year."—*' No matter, you must oblige me; this is a 
Very worthy man, with a large family, and he hits made 



LEGAL. 141 

tne represent of a capital white horsed — " Well, I tell 
you I won't." — '* Coine, come, Thurlow, you must for 
ence oblige me; and, more than that, I'll get you to 
write him a letter, graying, that it is entirely of your 
own suggestion, on account of his worth." — u I'll be 
hung if I do." — M No! indeed you must do it; I 
shall very soon have a living of five and twenty hun- 
dred in my gift, and I promise you that I shall give 
you the disposal of that, if you let me have this, 
and write the letter as I want it." — " Well, if your 
jockey parson must have it, tell me where he lives, 
that 1 may write to him/ 7 

416. The following whimsical incident occurred to 
a junior at the English bar, at a time when the awful 
bench of equity was adorned by the lion-iike frowns 
of the inflexible Thurlow, justly surnamed, The 
Masque de fer. The ridiculous abbreviations in 
which professional men are apt to indulge, are well 
known. Among others, is comm a * for commission. 
The abbreviated word happened to be written on a 
motion paper given to a young barrister, who was to 
move for a commission to examine witnesses. When 
his turn came, the lord chancellor gave him the usual 
terrific nod, and the tyro of the gown, with great sim- 
plicity, moved his lordship for a common to examine 
witnesses. " Are they numerous, sir?" exclaimed 
the lord chancellor, not altering a single muscle in his 
rigid countenance. " I believe they are, my lord/'— 
u Well, then, sir, take Salisbury Plain. If that be 
not large enough, there is no other within the jurist 
diction of the court that will answer your purpose." 
The court was convulsed with laughter, and for onee 
a barrister was struck dumb. 

417. A gentleman, having a remarkably bad breath, 
was met by Lord Thurlow in Pall Mall, who, seeing 
him booted and spurred, asked him where he had. 
been. u I have been taking the air this morning/' 



14£ LEGAL. 

says he, u which was disagreeable too, as I had a 
confounded north wind full in my face all the time." — 
" Come, come/' says his lordship, " don't you com- 
plain, " for I am sure the north wind had the worst 
of it." 

Lord Eldon. 

418. On the trial of a cause in the court of Com- 
mon Pleas, Mr. Serjeant Vaughan having, in the 
course of the examination of a witness, asked a 
question rather of law than of fact, Lord Chief Jus^ 
tice Eldon very good-humouredly observed, " Bro^ 
ther Vaughan, this is not quite fair ; you wish the 
witness to give you, for nothing, what you would not 
give him under two guineas/' 

Lord Clare. 

419. In the year 1788, when his majesty was at 
Cheltenham, and in the incipient part of his illness, 
some of the Irish whigs, hi the Duke of Portlands 
interest, resolved to cross the water and pay their re- 
spects to royalty. Amongst others, the late Lord 
Avonmore, then Cfiief Baron Yelverton, accompanied 
by Mr. Brownlow, who was a celebrated performer 
on the violin, and his friends, Counsellor Egan, a 
man of huge person, and Mr. Curran, who was never 
celebrated as an Adonis. This was during the term, 
and in a circle of barristers in the hall of the court ; 
next morning, some gentleman remarked, that the 
chief baron was gone to Cheltenham, to pay his re- 
spects to his majesty. " Yes/' said Mr. Pitzgibbon 
(afterwards Lord Chancellor Clare), " and I under- 
stand he travels like a showman, with a tiddler, a 
bear, and a monkey, in his suite/' 

Lord Chief Justice Holt. 

420. When Holt was lord chief justice, a very en- 
thusiastical sect was the canker that festered the com- 
munity; and it being his lordship's opinion that a 



LEGAL. 143 

t* ell-timed severity was the readiest way to destroy 
the spreading humour, he caused several of the ring- 
leaders to be committed to prison j upon which Mr. 
Lacy, a follower of theirs, went to his lordship's 
house, and demanded a conference with him. The 
porter said, his lordship was indisposed, and saw no 
company. " But tell him," said Lacy, " that 1 must 
see him, for I am sent to him by the Lord God/' The 
porter being struck with the oddity of the message, 
caused it to be delivered ; and the judge gave orders 
that the man should be admitted. When he entered 
the room, " 1 am come/' said he to the judge, " with 
a message from the Lord, requiring thee, on pain of 
everlasting fire, to grant a noli prosequi for John At- 
kins, and others, God's faithful servants, whom thou 
wrongfully cast into prison/' — " Thou art a lying 
prophet," replied his lordship, " for if the Lord had 
sent thee, he would have directed thee to the attor- 
ney-general, for he kxows it is not in my power to 
grant thee a noli jprosequi" And so he wrote his 
mittimus to keep his brethren company. 

421. In the reign of Queen Anne, A. D. 1704, 
several freemen of the borough of Aylesbury had 
been refused the liberty of voting at an election for a 
member of parliament, though they proved their qua- 
lifications as such. The law in this case imposes a 
fine on the returning officer of 1001. for every such 
offence. On this principle they applied to Lord Chief 
Justice Holt, who ordered the officer to be arrested. 
The House of Commons, alarmed at this step, made 
an order of their house to make it penal for either 
judge, counsel, or attorney, to assist at the trial; 
however, the lord chief justice, and several lawyers, 
were hardly enough to oppose this order, and brought 
the cause on in the court of King's Bench. The 
house, highly irritated at this contempt of their order, 
sent a serjeant at arms for the judge to appear before 
them 3 but that resolute defender of the laws bade 



144 LEGAL. 

hiin, with a voice of authority, be gone; on which, 
they sent a second message by their speaker, at- 
tended by as many members as espoused the mea- 
sure. After the speaker had delivered hir message, 
his lordship replied to him in the following remark- 
able words: " Go back to your chair, Mr. Speaker, 
within these five minutes, or you may depend on it r 
ril send yon to Newgate. You speak of your autho- 
rity : but I'll tell you I sit here as an interpreter of the 
laws and a distributor of justice ; and, were the whole 
House of Commons in your belly, I would not stir 
one foot." The speaker was prudent enough to re- 
tire, and the house were equally prudent in letting the> 
affair drop. 

Lord Mansfield. 

422. When a Jew, in a rich suit of embroidered 
clothes, once came before Lord Mansfield to justify 
bail, the opposite counsel pressed him very hard as to 
what the property he swore to consisted of. This 
Moses evaded as well as he could ; but Lord Mans- 
field at last put an end to the conversation, by fixing 
his eyes on the Jew's lace, and exclaiming, f Ask 
him no more questions, he will burn for the money." 

423. Lord Mansfield being one time on the circuit, 
a man was brought before him charged with stealing 
a silver ladle ; and, in the course of the trial, the coun- 
sel for the crown was rather severe upon the prisoner 
for being an attornc}'. " Come, come," said his lord^ 
ship, in a whisper to the Counsel, " don't exaggerate 
matters ; if the fellow had been an attorney, you may 
depend on it he would have stolen the bowl as well as 
the ladle." 

424. Lord Mansfield being willing to save a man, 
who stole a watch, desired the jury to value it at ten- 
pence ; upon which the prosecutor cried out, " Ten- 
pence, my lord, why the very fashion of it cost me 



LEGAL. 145 

five pounds."—" Oh," says his lordship, " we must 
wot hang a man for fashion's sake." 

425. The following anecdote is more interesting 
still ; for, in exhibiting a new proof of the wisdom 
and superior intelligence of Lord Mansfield, it throws 
some light on the spirit of the multitude in general, 
and particularly on the character of the English peo- 
ple, when, even in their passions, they are spoken to 
in the name of the law. This great magistrate being 
in one of the counties, on the circuit, a poor woman 
was indicted for witchcraft. The inhabitants of the 
place were exasperated against her. Some witnesses 
deposed that they had seen her walk in the air, with 
her feet upwards and her head downwards. Lord 
Mansfield heard the evidence with great tranquillity, 
and perceiving the temper of the people, whom it 
would not have been prudent to irritate, he thus ad- 
dressed them : " I do not doubt that this woman has 
walked in the air, with her feet upwards, since you 
have all seen it ; but she has the honour to be born 
in England, as well as you and I, and, consequently, 
cannot be judged but by the laws of the country, nor 
punished but in proportion as she has violated them. 
TS'ow I know not one law that forbids walking in the 
air with the feet upwards. We have all a right to do 
it with impunity. I see no reason, therefore, for this 
prosecution ; and this poor woman may return home 
when she pleases." This speech had its proper effect. 
It appeased the auditory, and the woman retired from 
the court without molestation. 

Lord Chief Justice Mansfield. 
426. In the court of Common Pleas, a person im- 
prisoned under particular circumstances was brought 
up by Habeas Corpus to be discharged. The ad- 
verse counsel, Mr. Serjeant Best, after having un- 
successfully urged a variety of arguments against the 
o 



14ft LEGAL. 

discbarge, moved that, on account of a particular fact, 
the matter might lie over till the ensuing Tuesday. 
" I have no objection, brother/' said the lord chief 
justice, w to grant your request, on one condition, 
namely, that 3 on be imprisoned in place of the de- 
fendant till Tuesday." 

Sir Nicholas Bacon. 

427. Sir Nicholas Bacon being once, in the capa- 
city of judge, on the point of passing sentence upon a 
fellow just found guilty of a robbery the culprit 
greatly importuned him to save his life ; and, among 
other things, alleged that he had the honour of being 
one of his lordships relations. 4< Bow go you prove 
that?" said Sir Nicholas. " My lord," leplied the 
man, '*■ your name is Bacon, and my name is Hog, 
and hog and bacon have in all ages been reckoned 
akin/' — " That is true/' answered the judge ; " but 
hog is never bacon till it has been hung ; and, there- 
fore, until you are hung, you can be no relation of 
mine/' 

Mr. Justice Rooke* 

428. Judge Rooke, in going the western circuit, 
had a great stone thrown at his head ; but, from the 
circumstance of his stooping very much, it passed 
over him. " You see/' said he to his friends, %< that 
had I been an upright judge, I might have been 
killed/' 

James Boswell, Lord Auchinleck. 

429. When James Boswell took Dr. Johnson to 
his father's house in Scotland, Lord Auchinleck re- 
marked that Jamie had brought an odd chiel along 
with him. " Sir," said Boswell, " he is the grand lu- 
minary of our hemisphere; quite a constellation^ 
sir/'— 4 ' Ursa Major (the Great Bear), I suppose," 
said the old judge. 






LEGAL. 147 

FraserTytler, Lord Woodhousexee. 

430. Hugo Arnot was for a long time afflicted with 
a very bad cough. One day, after a severe fit, meet- 
ing the late Mr. Tytler, of Woodhouselee, he re- 
marked to him that this cough would certainly carry 
him off some day like a rocket — " Aye, aye, Mr. Ar- 
not," observed Mr, T. " it's my opinion, however, if 
you dinna mend your manners, ye'll tak a contrary 
■direction" 

Mr. Serjeant Fazakerly. 

431. Serjeant Fazakerly being on a visit in th« 
country, in the time of long vacation, was one day 
riding out with a rich squire, who happened at that 
time to be about engaging in a law-suit, and thought 
it a good opportunity to pump an opinion out of the 
counseller gratis. The serjeant gave his opinion in 
such a way that the gentleman was encouraged to go 
on with his suit, which, however, he lost, after ex- 
pending considerable sums in it. Irritated by his 
disappointment, he waited upon the serjeant at his 
chambers, and eried out, " Zound3 1 Mr. Serjeant, 
here have I lost three thousand pounds by your ad- 
vice." — " By my advice !" says Fazakerly, " how can 
that be? I don't remember giving you my advice ; 
but let me look over my book/' — *' Book !" says the 
other, " there is no occasion to look at your books, it 
was when we were riding together at such a place.*'— 
4i Oh," answered the serjeant, " I remember some- 
thing of it; but, neighbour, that was only my travel- *■ 
iing opinion, and that is never to be relied on, except 
registered in my fee-book." 

Mr. Serjeant Gardiner. 

432. Mr. Serjeant Gardiner being lame of one leg, 
und pleading before the late Judge Fortescue, who 
had little or no nose, the judge told him, he was afraid 
o 2 



148 LEGAL. 

he had but a lame cause of it. — " Oh, my lord," said 
the serjeant, " have but a little patience, and I'll war- 
rant I prove every thing as plain as the nose on your 
face." 

Mr. Serjeant Davy. 

433. Serjeant Davy, being concerned in a cause 
which he wanted to postpone for a few days, asked 
Lord Mansfield when he would bring it on? " On 
Friday next," said his lordship. ""Will you please 
to consider, my lord, that Friday next is Good Fri- 
day V — " I don't care for that : the better day the 
better deed." — " Well, my lord," says Davy, " you 
will of course do as you please ; but if you do sit on 
that day, I believe you'll be the first judge who did 
business on a Good Friday since Pontius Pilate's 
time." His lordship took the hint, and did not sit. 

Mr. Noy. 

434. Three graziers at a fair left their money with 
their hostess, while they went to transact their busi- 
ness. A short time after, one of them returned, and 
under pretence that they had occasion for the whole 
money, received it from the hostess, and made his es- 
cape with it. The other two sued the woman for de- 
livering that which she had received from the three, 
before the three came and demanded it The cause 
was tried, and a verdict found against the woman ; 
when Mr. Noy, then first making his appearance at the 
bar, wished to be feed by her, because he could not 
plead without it. He then moved in arrest of judg- 
ment, that he was retained by the defendant, and that 
the case was this :— The defendant had received the 
money of the three together, and confesses, " she was 
iiot to deliver it until the same three demanded it, and 
therefore, the money is ready — let the three men come, 
and it shall be paid." This motion altered the whole 
course of proceeding, and first brought Mr. Noy into 
notice. 



LEGAL. 349 

John Dunning, afterwards Lord Ashburton. 

435. The day after Dr. Price published his pam- 
phlet on the National Debt, &c the late Duke of 
Cumberland, walking in Westminster Hsll, in com- 
pany with Counsellor Dunning, met the doctor, and 
thinking it necessary to pay a compliment, told him, 
that he had read his book with so much delight, and 
sat up so late to finish it, that it had almost blinded 
kirn. u Rather singular," said Dunning, " that it 
should have such an effect upon your royal highness, 
for it has opened the eyes of every body else, >; 

Mr. Ming ay. 

436. Mr. (now lord) Erskine, being counsel for the 
plaintiff in an action for the infringement of a patent 
for buckles, expatiated with his usual eloquence on 
the improvements made in this manufacture. — 
** What," said he, taking out his own buckle, and ex- 
hibiting it to the court, u what would my ancestors 
say, were they to rise out of their graves, and see me 
with such an ornament as this?" — "They would be 
surprised, I dare say," observed Mr. Mingay, " to 
see you with either shoe or stocking" 

437. Mr Garrow was one day relating that he had 
a client to defend, against whom an action was to be 
brought at the suit of an architect, who, amongst 
other useful erections, had built for him no less than 
six water-closets. The plea he stated to be set up 
m defence was that of non-age. " This plea," ob- 
served Mr. Mingay, " must be unavailing, as minors 
are compelled to pay for necessaries." 

438. A barrister, blind of one eye, pleading one 
day with his spectacles on, said, " Gentlemen, in my 
arguments T shall use nothing but what is neces- 
sary." Mr. Mingay immediately replied, " Then 
take out one of the glasses of your spectacles." 

o 3 



150 LEGAL. 

Hon. Thomas, (now Lord) Ehskine. 

439. A barrister, in the Court of King's Bench, de- 
scribing the bad usage of a high-bred horse, said that 
it had for some time been employed in dragging 
heavy loads, and fed on coarse old hay, till the ani- 
mal himself demurred to the treatment. " He should 
not have demurred,'* replied Mr. Erskine, "now the 
winter season is over ; he had better have put himself 
on the country" 

440. A certain Serjeant, who is apt to get a little 
testy in argument was one day reminded by Mr Ers- 
kine, that he should not shew anger, but shew 
cause. 

441. On the evening when his majesty was shot at 
from the pit of Drury-lane theatre, a gentleman, who 
supped with Mr. Erskine after the play, having re- 
lated the circumstance to him, the witty barrister ob- 
served, " Aye, I always thought he had every thing 
to dread from the Pittites" 

442. The Temple corps, which was distinguished 
at a review, by its plainly elegant dress and steady 
order, was inspected by the Earl of Harrington. 
As he rode along the line, before the review, his 
lordship stopped to salute its commander, and said, 
" This is the law association, sir V — " Yes, my lord." 
To which the earl rejoined, " I do not find any one 
that speaks a word ; I never knew lawyers so silent" 
w We have no pay, my lord/' replied Colonel Er- 
skine. 

Mr. Jekyll. 

443. Mr. Erskine being indisposed in the Court 
of King's Bench, told Mr. Jekyll— -That he had a 
pain in his bowels, for which he could get no relief. 
? I'll give you an infallible specific," replied the hu- 



LEGAL. 15} 

mourous barrister, "get made attorney- general, my 
friend, and then you'll have no bowels." 

444. Mr. Jekyll, meeting a friend in the street, 

observed, " So our friend — , the attorney, is 

dead." — u Yes, and I hear he has left very few ef- 
fects." — " It could not be otherwise; he had very few 

causes," replied the legal wag. 

445. In an iniquitous and iisurous transaction, 
which came before the judges at Guildhall, in March, 
1804, where a Mr. Skill had been taken in by a man 
of the name of Baird — Tickle was a party concerned, 
and a witness for Baird. Tickle was not a flippant 
witness ; but Mr. Garrow artfully drew the facts from 
him with such address, that Mr. Jekyll observed, the 
learned counsel had supplied Skill's want of judg- 
ment, had the secrets of t lie usurer Baird (bared), and 
exerted his usual ingenuity to Tickle the witness. 

446. A certain nobleman was expressing to Mr. 
Jekyll how much he was displeased that his head 
should have been made the subject of repeated ani- 
madversions in the daily prints. " I confess," replied 
the wit, " that I am surprised, as much as your lord- 
ship, that they should have been able to make so much 
out of it. v 

Mr. Pooley. 

447. At the Worcester summer assizes 1809, a per- 
son was tried on an indictment for perjury, in which 
case the law justly requires the evidence of two wit- 
nesses to convict. Here the two witnesses were a 
bailiff and his follower, who frequently goes by a 
mere homely appellation. Mr. Pooley, counsel for 
the prisoner, insisted that here was a defect of evi- 
dence, these two being so completely identified that- 
they could only be considered as one witness. 
W What ! ;; said Judge Grose, " do you think them, 



152 LEGAL. 

like man and wife?" — " My lord/' answered the bar- 
rister, " I assert, and am ready to maintain it against 
all the world, that a bailiff and his hum are one 
flesh/' 

Sir Toby Butler. 

448. Sir Toby Butler, the celebrated Irish barris- 
ter, once invited Sir Charles Coote to dinner. He 
knew that his guest valued himself on a long list of 
ancestry, in which Sir Toby could have rivalled him 
if he had not prized himself on his own merit. At din- 
ner, therefore. Sir Toby frequently cried out, "Tell 
my cousin Pat, the butler, tell my cousin Oonah the 
cook, tell my cousin Terry the groom, such and such 
a thing/' — What !'* said Sir Charles, with a consider- 
able degree of surprise, " I find that all your servants 
are your relations.'* — " To be sure," said the knight, 
" is it not more praise-worthy to retain my own rela- 
tions for servants, than to keep your's ?" 

John Philpot Curran. 

449. During a trial between Sir J P ■ , and 

R , the miniature-painter, on a cross-examin- 
ation by Curran, the latter confessed that he had 

put his arm round Miss D -\s waist, which had 

brought on a blow from Sir John. — "Then, sir, I 

presume," said Curran, to R -, " you took that 

waist for a common." 

450. It was one of the prominent complaints against 
Lord Clare on his elevation to the seals, that he car- 
ried his political antipathies with him even to the 
Equity Bench, and that those barristers who were 
members of Parliament and had opposed the noble 
lord in his politics while attorney genera!, usually re- 
ceived his marked discountenance in the Court of 
Chancery. Mr. Ponsonby, Mr. Curran, Mr. Egaiy 
Mr, Fox, and several others, experienced those marks 



LEGAL. 153 

of antipathy in a way highly injurious to their pro- 
fessional pursuits, and have more than once thrown 
down their brief's and quitted the court with marks or* 
disgust, and resentment; while a junior barrister, a 
nephew of the noble lord, without talents or popu- 
larity, was distinguished by his marked attention, as 
if with a view to throw grist into his empty bag. 
The noble lord had a favourite companion, a large 
Newfoundland dog, which not only accompanied him 
through the streets, but generally sat with him on the 
Chancery Bench, One day, while that celebrated 
orator, Mr. Curran, was addressing his lordship in 
an eloquent speech, Lord Clare with marked inatten- 
tion and non chalance, continued playing with this dog, 
and fondly patting him on the back. Mr. Curran ? 
who had borne this for a considerable time with pa- 
tience, at length, made a full pause. The chancellor 
missing the barrister's voice, suddenly turned, and 
said, " Have you done, Mr. Curran?" Mr. Curran 
resumed, and addressing the peer and his canine col- 
league, answered, " No, my lords : I thought your 
lordships were in consultation, and I was unwilling 
to interrupt your lordships. But now my lords, if 
your lordships are disposed to attend, I shall proceed. 
Then, may it please your lordships, as I was proceed- 
ing to observe- — /' The chancellor felt the kit, 

beat down his dog, laughed heartily, apologized for 
his inattention, and requested Mr. Curran to proceed 
with Ills argument. 



Lord Chancellor Jeffries. 

451. When Lord Jeffries, before he was a judge, 
was once pleading at the bar, a country fellow giving 
evidence against his client, pushed the matter very 
home on the side he swore lor. Jeffries, after his 
usual way, called out to the felJow r , " Hark you, you 
fellow in the leathern doublet, what have you for 



154 LEGAL, 

swearing?" To which the countryman smartly re- 
plied, " Faith, sir, if you had no more for lying than 
1 have for swearing, you might e'en wear a leather 
doublet too." 

452. The same Jeffries, when on the bench, told an 
old fellow with a long beard, that he supposed he had 
a conscience as long as his beard. " Does your lord- 
ship," replied the old man, " measure consciences by 
beards 2 If so, your lordship has no conscience at 
all." 

Lord Chancellor Thurlow. 

453. When Lord Thurlow was at the bar, his clerk 
was one day reading to him a legal instrument, and 
when he came to the part, " / do devise all that farm, 
to" &c. &c. he was seized with so violent a fit of 
coughing, that he could not proceed : on which the 
testy lawyer exclaimed, " Read on, with a curse to 
yon — your heirs and their heirs for ever! 1 

454. One day, when Lord Thurlow was very busy at 
his house in Ormond-street, a poor curate applied to 
him for a living then vacant. u Don't trouble me," 
said the chaucellor, turning upon him with a frown- 
ing brow, " don't you see that I am busy, and can't 
listen to you? — what duke or lord recommended 
you ?" The poor curate lifted up his eyes, and with 
dejection said, he had no lord to recommend him but 
the Lord of hosts. " The Lord of hosts," replied the 
chancellor, " the Lord of hosts ! — I believe I have 
had recommendations from most lords, but do not 
recollect one from him before : so do you hear, young 
man, you shall have the living." 

455. Mr. Tierney once observed of this noble and 
learned lord, who was much given to swearing and 
parsimony, that he was a rigid disciplinarian in his 



LEGAL. I5S 

religion, for that in his house it was passion week in 
the parlour, and lent in the kitchen, all the year round. 

456. When Lord Tharlow was chancellor, his 
mace-bearer, who had attended him to the conrt and 
the House of Lords for years in awful silence, think- 
ing one day that he saw something" like a smile on 
his face, ventured to simper out,, ** My lord, this is a 
fine day." — u D — nyou and the day, too," thundered 
out his lordship. 

Lord Chancellor Clare. 

457. A fellow named Hanlon, a news-hawker, wa& 
so addicted to whiskey that he relied rather upon his 
impudence and his wit, than upon his trade ; for he 
would familiarly address gentlemen of the first con- 
sequence by their names of Jack or Tom, and invite 
them to take a bit of dinner or drink a glass of whis- 
key with him, always ending his joke by requesting 
the lean of a keg to drink their healths. He one day 
addressed Lord Chancellor Clare in this way, who 
replied, " Whet Hanlon ar'n't you hang'd yet — I 
tell you, Fve no change." — " Ah ! by St. Patrick, 
soft Jack," answered Hanlon, " if hanging was 
fairly divided you'd had your share ten years ago : I 
wish I had as good a house as you could rob, any hov;." 

Lord Chief Justice Holt. 

458. The great Lord Chief Justice Holt, when 
young was very extravagant, and belonged to a club 
of wild fellows, most of whom took to an infamous 
course of life. When his lordship was engaged at 
the Old Bailey, a man was tried and convicted of a 
robbery on the highway, whom the judge remembered 
to have been one of his old companions. Moved by 
that curiosity which is natural on a retrospection of 
past life, Holt, thinking that the fellow did not know 
him, asked what was become of such and such of hie 



156 legal: 

old associates. The culprit, making a low bow, and 
fetching a deep sigh, said, " Ah, my lord! they are 
all hanged but your lordship and I." 

Lord Chief Justice King. 

459. The Kev. Mr. Whist on, so well known in the 
literary world by his writings, being one day in dis- 
course with Lord Chief Justice Kmg, who Was 
brought up at Exeter a rigid dissenter, a debate arose 
about signing articles which men do not believe, for 
the sake of preferment, which the chief justice openly 
justified; "Because/' said he, " we must not lose 
our usefulness for scruples/ 7 Mr Winston, who was 
quite of an opposite opinion, asked his lordship — If 
in their courts they allowed of such prevarication? 
He answered — They did not — " Then," said Mr. 
Winston, " suppose God Almighty should be as just 
in the next world as my lord chief justice is in this ; 
where are we then ?" 

Lord Mansfield, 

460. Lord Mansfield examining a man, who was 
a witness in the Court of King's Bench, asked him 
what he knew of the defendant? u Oh, my lord, I 
knew him ; I was up to him" — " Up to him !" said his 
lordship, " what do you mean 'by being up to him V — 
" Mean, my lord, why / was down upon Kim I" — " Up 
to him, and down upon him," said his lordship, 
turning to counsellor Dunning, M what does the fellow 
mean?' — "Why, I mean, my lord, as deep as he 
thought himself I stags?' d him." — " 1 cannot conceive, 
friend," rejoined the judge, u what you mean by this 
sort of language, I don't understand it." — u Not 
understand it!" rejoined the fellow, with surprise, 
** What aflat you must he" 

461. Lord Mansfield had discharged a coachman 
whom he suspected of having embezzled his corn : 
a short time afterwards he received a letter from a 



LEGAL. 157 

merchant in live city, requesting a character of the 
dismissed servant : his lordship accordingly wrote 
an answer, that he was a very sober man, and an ex- 
cellent coachman, but that he believed he had cheat- 
ed him. Some time after this, going to Caen-wood, 
his lordship met his old coachman, who accosted him, 
expressing himself glad to see him in such good 
health, and thanked him for the character he had 
given him, in consequence of which he had got an ex- 
cellent place. — " Your lordship," he said, " has been 
pleased to say I was a sober man, and a good coach- 
man, but that you believed I had cheated you ; my 
master observed, that if I answered the two first de- 
scription, the last he thought little of, for he did not 
think the devil himself could cheat your lordship." 

462. On a trial before Lord Mansfield, an action 
was brought to ascertain some privileges concerning 
the boundaries of two parishes, upon which a great 
deal of money was spent, to elucidate a question 
which was not of three-pence consequence to either 
party. In the course of the trial, Lord Mansfield 
having taken notice of some pointed observation, 
which had fallen from one of the witnesses, a farmer, 
he begged leave to ask him a few questions, merely 
for information, concerning the customs of overseers, 
and other officers, who manage the parish mosey. 
The farmer, with great cheerfulness, appeared ready 
to satisfy him, and his lordship said, i4 In the course 
of your evidence I think you noticed that the pa- 
rish money was very often improperly applied ; 
now I do not mean to insinuate that you would be 
likely to misuse it ; but as you mentioned that you 
were once churchwarden, if you have no objection, I 
should wish to hear at ha* was done with the money 
at that time." — ik Why, my lord," said the farmer, 
u the money was worse applied while t was church- 
warden than ever I knew it in my life." — P Indeed V 
said his lordship, " I should be glad to know how." 
P 



158 LEGAL, 

— " Why, my lord,*' said the farmer, * Til tell youv 
A gentleman, who had lived some time among us y 
went into Yorkshire, where he died, tn his will he 
bequeathed about an hundred and iwenty pounds to 
the poor of our parish. We applied for it often, but 
'twould not do ; the executors and the lawyers, and 
one or another were- glad enough to keep the money 
in their hands ; for you know, my lord, 'tis an old 
raying, that might can overcome right. Well, we did 
not know wtaat to do, and I came to your lordship foi^ 
advice. You were then Counsellor Murray. I re- 
member, my lord, you advised us to file a bill in Chan- 
cery. We did so ; and, after throwing a great deal 
of good money after bad, we got, I think they call it, 
a decree ; and such a decree it was, that, when all 
expenses were paid, I reckon we were about an hun- 
dred and seventy-five pounds out of pocket. Now r 
my lord, I leave you to judge whether the parish 
money was not likely to be worse employed while I 
was churchwarden, than ever I. knew it before/' 

Lord Chief Justice Mansfield. 

463. In the court of Common Pleas, Nov. 12, 1813, 
a motion was argued, in which Sergeant Yaughan 
insisted that common sense was on the side of his 
client. " Common sense ! brother Yaughan, (said the 
lord chief justice) don't you know that the House of 
Lords declared long ago, that it was a shocking thing 
to introduce common sense into the law." 

Lord Avonmore. 

464. The late Lord Avonmore, although a man of 
distinguished talents, was too apt, from a hasty dispo- 
sition, to anticipate the tendency of an argument. 
A celebrated lawyer, whose client had suffered in 
consequence of' this habit, took the following method 
of reproving it. Being engaged to dine in company 
with the noble lord, he delayed going so long, that the 
company were at dinner when he entered the room ; 



LEGAL. 359 

he apologized for liis absence, apparently with much 
agitation, stating, that, from a melancholy event he 
had just witnessed, he found himself unable to mas- 
ter his feelings: M I was passing through the market/' 
said he ; "a calf was bound to a post: the butcher 
had drawn his knife, and was just advancing, when 
a beautiful child ran across him, and in a moment! 
he killed" — " the child !" exclaimed his lordship : 
** No, my lord, the calf; but your lordship is in 
the habit of anticipation" 

Lord Hackerston. 

465. " Hackerston's cow" is a Scotch proverb, of 
which the following is the origin. A tenant of Lord 
Hackerston, who was one of the judges of the Court 
of Session, one day waited on his lordship with a 
woeful countenance. " My lord/' said he, " I am 
come to inform your lordship of a sad misfortune ; 
my cow has gored one of your lordship's cows, so that 
I fear it cannot live." — " Well, then you must pay 
for it." — " Indeed, my lord, it was not my fault, and 
you know I am a very poor man." — " I can't help 
that ; I say you must pay for it ; I am not to lose my 
cow." — " Well, my lord, if it must be so I cannot 
say against your lordship — but stop, my lord, I be- 
lieve I have made a mistake ; it was your lordship's 
cow that gored mine." O ! that is quite a different 
affair — go along, and don't trouble me ; I am busy — 
go along, I say." 

Sir Fletcher Norton. 

466. The late Sir l^ietcher Norton was in his cha- 
racter of a counsellor rather coarse ; he once exa- 
mined Mr. Alderman Shakespeare as a witness, and 
in the course of his examination said, in a rude way, 
" And pray what trade are you, friend?" — " A rope- 
maker, at your service" replied the alderman. 

Mr. Serjeant Davy. 

467. Serjeant Daw, of brow-beating memory, was 

p 2 



160 LEGAL. 

originally a druggist at Exeter, but, becoming bank- 
rupt, turned his attention to the law, and succeeded. 
In examining a witness at the Castle, in Exeter, the 
man, being rather more accurate in his recollection 
of the time when the assault happened than Davy 
wished, he said to him, " My friend, how is it that you 
can recollect an affair of this kind, which happened 
so long ago V To which the other gave for anwser, 
" That it was exactly the day when Bully Davy shut 
up shop, and cheated him of fifty pounds ; a circum- 
stance he should remember all the days of his life." 

468. On another occasion, a person justifying bail 
to the amount of three hundred pounds, the same 
learned Serjeant thus examined him : — " What pro- 
perty have you to the amount of six hundred 
pounds?" — " I have two hundred pounds in the 
stocks." — "Well, and what more?" — " I have stock 
in trade to the amount of three hundred pounds." — 
" Well, and what more ?" — " I have household fur- 
niture worth ninety pounds/' — " Well, and what 
more ; we still want ten pounds?" — " 1 have a note 
of one Davy for five and twenty pounds, that has 
been due several years; and, though he has promised 
it again and again, I can't get a farthing of it." — 
Lord Chief Justice. " Have you any more questions, 
Brother Davy?" — "No, my lord," said the crest- 
fallen serjeant and set himself down. 

Mr. Serjeant Cockle. 
469. A countryman on a trial respecting the right 
of a fishery, at Lancaster assizes, was cross-examined 
by the late Serjeant Cockle, who, among many other 
questions, asked him, "Does thou love fish?" — 
" Yea," said the poor fellow, with a look of native 
simplicity; "but I donna like Cockle sauce with it." 
A roar of laughter followed, in which the serjeant 
joined with his usual good humour. 



LEGAL. 161 

Mr. Serjeant Bettesworth. 

470. The following Hues on Serjeant Bettesworth, 
which Swift inserted in one of his poems, gave rise to 
a violent resentment on the part of the barrister ; — 

— " So at the bar the booby Bettesworth, 
Though half-a-crown o'erpays his sweat's worth, 
"Who knows in law, nor text, nor margent, 
Calls Singleton his brother Serjeant" 

The poem was sent to Bettesworth, at a time when 
he was surrounded with his friends in a convivial 
pariy. He read it aloud till he had finished the lines 
relative to himself. He then flung it down with great 
violence — trembled and turned pale — and, after some 
pause, his rage for a while depriving him of utterance, 
Jre took out his penknife, and, opening it, vehemently 
swore, " With this very penknife will I cut off his 
cars." He then went to the dean's house, and not 
finding him at home, followed him to the house of a 
friend; where being shewn into a back room, he de- 
sired the doctor might be sent for ; and on Swift en- 
tering the room, and asking what were his com- 
mands, " Sir," said he, " I am Serjeant Bettes- 
worth" — u Of what regiment, pray, sir?" said Swift. 
*' O Mr. Dean, we know your powers of raillery — you 
know me well enough ; I am one of his majesty's Ser- 
jeants at law, and I am come to demand if you are 
author of this poem (producing it), and these vil- 
lainous lines on me?" — " Sir," said Swift, " when I 
was a young man, 1 had the honour of being inti- 
mate with some great legal characters, particularly 
Lord Somers ; who, knowing my propensity to satire, 
advised me, when I lampooned a knave or a fool, 
never to own it. Conformably to that advice, I tell 
you that I am not the author." 

n John Dunning (afterwards Lord Ashburton). 

471. A gentleman, who was examined as a witness 
by the late celebrated Mr. Donning, being repeats 

P 3 



1.62 LEGAL. 

edly asked by the counsellor if he did not lodge in 
the verge of the court, at length replied, " He did." 
— " And pray, sir, for what reason did you take up 
your residence in that place?" — " In the vain hope,-' 
replied the other, " of avoiding the rascally imperti- 
nence of dunning" 

472. Counsellor Dunning was cross-examining an 
old woman, who was an evidence in a case of assault, 
respecting the identity of the defendant. " Was he 
a tall man ?" says he. " Not very tall ; much about 
the size of your honour."— " Was he good-looking?" 
— " Not very; much like your honour." — " Did he 
squint ?" — " A little ; but not so much as your ho- 
nour." 

473. Examining a witness on another occasion, he 
asked him the age of the defendant, it being a ques- 
tion of infancy. The witness said he did not know. 
" Can't you give an opinion?" — " No." — " Surely you 
can guess the age of a man you have seen so often ; 
you can say whether he was sixteen or sixty !" — " No." 
— " No! why, could you not guess whether I am 
sixteen or sixty ?" — " Not exactty. From your ap- 
pearance, I should suppose you to be sixty; but from 
the questions you ask, I should imagine you only 
sixteen." 

474. A handsome young woman, who was a wit- 
ness in a trial of crim. con. before Lord Mansfield, 
was interrogated by Counselier Dunning, who, think- 
ing to confuse the woman, made her take off her 
bonnet, that he might have a view of her counte- 
nance, and see (for all counsellors are complete judges 
of physiognomy) whether the truth came from her 
lips. After he had put many ridiculous questions to 
her, he asked her whether her mistress had ever 
communicated the important secret to her. "No, 
sir," said the woman ; " she never did." — " How 



LEGAL. 163 

then can you swear to her infidelity ?" — " Because I 
saw another gentleman, besides my master, in bed 
with her." — -" Indeed I" said the counsellor. " Yes, 
indeed, sir." — " And pray, my good woman,'' said 
the modest counsellor, thinking to silence her at 
once, " did your master (for I see you are very hand- 
some) in return for his wife's infidelity, go to bed to 
you?" — "That trial," said the spirited young wo- 
man, u does not come on to-day, Mr. Slabberchops." 

-.- Lord Mansiield was tickled to the soul; he 

thrust his hand into the waistband of his breeches, 
(his custom when highly delighted) and asked Dun- 
ning if he had any more questions to put. " No, my 
lord, I have done;" said the chop-fallen orator, set- 
tling his wig, and sitting down. 

475. A fellow, who was a witness in the Grosvenor 
cause at Westminster Hall, having a Bardolphian 
nose, Counsellor Dunning, thinking to embarrass 
him, began with, " Now you, Mr. with the copper 
nose, now you are sworn, what have you to say?" — 
" Why, by the oath I have sworn," replied he, " I 
would not exchange my copper nose for your brazen 
face." 

John Lee. 

476. The retort courteous was fully experienced 
by the celebrated counsellor Jack Lee, on the north- 
ern circuit; for being engaged in cross-examining 
one Mary Pritchard, of Barnsley, he began with 
" Well, Mar} r , if I may credit what I hear, I may 
venture to address you by the name of Black Moll." 
— " Faith, may you, Maister Lawyer," said she ; " for 
I am always called &o by the blackguards." 

Hon. Thomas (now Lord) Erskine. 

477. When Mr. Thelwall was on his trial at the Old 
Bailey, for high-treason, during the evidence for the 
prosecution, he wrote the following note, and sent it 



164 LEGAL. 

to his counsel : — " Mr. Erskine, I am determined to 
plead my cause myself." Mr. Erskine wrote under 
it, " If you do, you'll be hanged." To which Mr. 
Thehvall immediately returned this reply, " Then I'll 
be hanged if I do." 

478. In the Court of King's Bench, a witness, 
named Lincoln, was called to prove a hand-writing ; 
and, having looked at the paper some time without 
speaking, Mr. Erskine exclaimed, " Well, sir, what 
is your belief? Don't let the devil overlook Lincoln^ 
but give us your belief of the hand-writing." The wit- 
ness, with great composure, turned round and said, 
" I did not observe, sir, that you were looking over 
me ; and, as for the hand- writing, I can form no 
judgment of it." The court was convulsed with 
laughter. 

Mr. (now Baron) Graham. 

479. A case was, some years since, argued before 
the court of chancery, in which there was some dis- 
pute about the age of a woman, whom Counsellor 
Graham (now the baron) had stated to be five and 
forty, rather against evidence. The master of the 
rolls disputing a little the position of Mr. Graham, 
the latter said, " Vik lay you a bottle — I beg your 
honour's pardon, I really forgot where I was." 

Mr. Ming ay. 

480. Counsellor Mingay, after he had retired from 
practice, being one day in company, where the un- 
certainty of the law became the topic of conversa? 
tion, he was applied to for his opinion, upon which 
he laconically observed, " If any man was to claim 
the coat upon my back, and threaten my refusal with 
a law-suit, he should certainly have it ; lest, in de- 
fending my coat, I should, too late, find that 1 was 
deprived of my waistcoat also." 



LEGAL. 165 

Mr. (now Bauon) Wood. 
481. The present Mr. Baron Wood, who, before 
his elevation to the bcneli, was an eminent speeial 
pleader, one evening graced the boxes of Drury- 
iane theatre, to see Macbeth. When the hero ques- 
tions the witches what they are doing, they answer, 
" A deed without a name.'' Our counseller, whose 
attention was at that moment directed more to Coke 
upon Littleton than Shakspeare, catching the actors 
words, repeated, M A deed without a name — why 'tis 



482. Some nights after, he made a similar comment 
at the representation of Othello, when the general 
was so loudly crying out, " My handkerchief, my 
handkerchief;" he observed, that if it had been pick- 
ed out of Desdemona's pocket, Mrs. Litchfield might 
be indicted as a principal felon, and Cooke as a re- 
ceiver of stolen goods.' 7 

Mr. (now Sir Willtam) Gakrow. 

483. A witness in the court of King's Bench being 
cross-examined by Mr. Garrow, that learned gentle- 
man asked him if he was not a fortune-teller. 4 ' I am 
not," answered the witness; ''but if every one had 
his due, I should have no difficulty 7 in telling your for- 
tune." — " Well, fellow," says Mr. Garrow, " pray 
what is to be my fortune ?" — " Why, sir," rejoined the 
witness, u I understand you made your first speech at 
the Old Bailey, and I think it is probable that you 
will make your last speech there." Lord Kcnyon told 
the witness, angrily, " That he would commit him." 
— " I hope," answered he, " your lordship will not 
commit yourself." 

484. Mr. Garrow, examining a witness, asked him 
what his business was : he answered, " A dealer in 
old iron." — " Then," said the counsel, " You must 
of course be a thief."-—" I don't see/' replied the wit- 






166 LEGAL, 

ness, li why a dealer in iron must necessarily be a 
thief, more than a dealer in brass." 

485. In the course of a trial in the King's Bench, 
Mr. Garrow, in examining a corpulent witness, ob- 
served, i( You gentlemen millers seem to thrive bet- 
ter than we do at the bar." — " Yes," replied the wit- 
ness,, " because we sleep better/' — " Why so !? con- 
tinued Mr. Garrow. " Because/' said the miller, 
" we have clearer consciences, I take it." 

486. Mr. Garrow, in examining a very young lady, 
who was a witness in a case of assault, asked her, if the 
person who was assaulted did not give the defendant 
very ill language ; if he did not call him a rascally 
Scotch cobler, and utter other words so bad, that he, 
the learned counsel, had not impudence enough to 
repeat them : she replied in the affirmative. " Will, 
you, madam, be kind enough, then," said he, " to tell 
the court what these words were V — " Why, sir," re- 
plied she, " ifyowhave not impudence enough to speak 
them, how can you suppose that I have." 

Mr. Dauncey. 

487. At the Stafford assizes, Mr. Dauncey, in cross- 
examining a simple country fellow, asked him, if he 
did know how much money such a person had in his 
pocket when he went from home ? " No, sir," said 
the lad. " Look at me/' said the counsel, " you arc 
upon your oath : will you say that you do not know?" 
— " : Yes, sir. Now," said the fellow, " look at me, 
sir : can you tell how much money I've got m my 
pocket I" 

Mr. Baldwin. 

488. Mr. Baldwin, who left the bar for the secre- 
tary of state's office, having one day been employed 
to oppose a person justifying bail in the court of 
King's Bench, after asking some common-place ques- 



LEGAL. 167 

tions, was getting" a little aground, when a waggish 
counsellor behind whispered him ie interrogate the 
bail as to his having been a prisoner in the Gloucester 
jail. Thus instructed, our learned advocate boldly 
asked, " When, sir, were you last in Gloucester 
iail? ? ' The bail, a reputable tradesman, with aston- 
ishment declared, that he never was in a jail in his 
life. Mr. Baldwin insisted that he had beeii a pri- 
soner at Gloucester : but, being able to get nothing 
out of him, he turned round to his friendly brother, 
and asked for what the man had been imprisoned. 
The answer was, u For suicide \ n Without hesitation 
he then questioned him thus : " Now, sir, I ask you, 
upon your oath, and remember that I shall have \our 
words taken down, was you not imprisoned in Glou- 
cester jail for the crime of suicide?'' 

Eight Hon, Henry Dundas (afterwards 

Lord Melville.) 

489. The late Lord Melville, when Lord Advocate 
of Scotland, arguing a case before the court of session, 
and wishing to establish perjury in a female witness 
who had been examined under a commission, by an 
inferior clerk of the court, thus concluded his ha- 
rangue : — " I trust I have satisfied your lordships, that 
this base woman has perjured herself, not only in pre- 
sence of Almighty God, but, what is more, in presence 
of David Murray, your lordship's commissioner." 

Right Hon. John Philpot Curran. 

490. Lord E , who sports a ferocious pair of 

whiskers, meeting Mr, Curran in Dublin, the latter 
said, " When do you mean to place your whiskers on 
the peace establishment 7 " — " When you place your 
tongue on the civil list/' was the reply. 

491. Mr. Curran, it is well known, had brought 
his action, for crim. con. with his frail rib, against a 
clergyman, named Sandys, a frequent guest at his 



168 LEGAL. 

table, and a favourite familiar in his house. In this 
action he succeeded; and, although he never fol- 
lowed up the decision by suing for a divorce, he ef- 
fectually established the identity of his own antlers. 
Some time after this occurrence, he was employed 
for some combining journeymen carpenters, prose- 
cuted for a conspiracy, riot, and assault, upon cer- 
tain other chopsticks, who were considered, by the 
journeyman's club, as unlawful men ; and, while 
cross-examining one of the prosecutors, who had 
been suddenly dubbed a master-carpenter, and was a 
simple-looking country fellow, he put to him a num- 
ber of puzzling questions, and amongst others — " You 
say, friend, you were a journeyman carpenter about a 
month ago, and you are now a master ; I. should be 
glad to know from you by what particular process a 
journeyman carpenter is hatched into a master." The 
witness, with a vacant stare, said — He did not un- 
derstand the question. Mr. Curran continued — 
" 111 be glad to know, fellow, what difference you 
feel in yourself now from what you had when you 
were a journeyman ; have you more teeth than you 
used to have ? The witness, after a short pause, with 
a' stare of simplicity, full in the barrister's face, an- 
swered. "No, in troth, sir; nor more horns neither." 
This was a hit too palpable to be parried ; and the 
reply, after some confusion, was, ct You may go down, 
fellow ; I shall ask yen no more questions." 

492. Mr. Curran possessed perhaps a greater influ- 
ence over the feelings of his auditory than any other 
professor of forensic eloquence ever did, and has been 
frequently known, by the pathetic force of his ora- 
tory, and the inexhaustible fund of his wit and re- 
sistless humour, to keep the juries whom he address- 
ed alternately in tears and laughter, during the 
course of a trial ; and yet, like other great wits, he has 
been frequently put down by an unexpected repartee 
from the most simple of those witnesses whom he 



LEGAL. }69 

endeavoured to badger by cross examination. In an 
important cause, where a country schoolmaster, 
named Liily, was a principal witness, and had given 
his direct testimony with all due graviiy, arrayed m 
all the graces of syntax and prosody, Mr. Outran 
proceeded to cross-examine the witness, and began, 
with a f'amilar nod and an arch look, in the first sen- 
tence of Cordery's Colloquies, u Salve,, C/audi." The 
schoolmaster immediately answered, tk Sis > tu quoque 
salvus BemarcU" This unexpected answer com- 
pletely disarmed the barrister, and produced a ge- 
neral laugh at his expense. 

493. Mr. Curran, being one day counsel for the pro- 
secution of a reputable young tradesman, brought 
forward by some military officers, for a violent as- 
sault in the box-lobby of the theatre, three of whom 
had heroically drawn their swords upon him; and,, 
although he had no other weapon than a walking- 
stick, he contrived in his defence to cudgel the he- 
roes pretty soundly, and break their swords into the 
bargain ; Mr. Digges, son of the celebrated trage- 
dian, was a witness for the defence, and was cross- 
examined by Mr. Curran. The interrogation was of 
some length, and was a neat dialogue of quart and 
tierce ; for though the witty barrister practised ail 
his ingenuity, and attacked the witness in every way, 
rough and smooth, he was foiled at every longe by 
the cool Digges, who was not to be disconcerted. 
At last, defeated at all points, he says, A And so, 
Mr. Digges, you venture to swear positively, in the 
face of this court, that this amiable, mild, and inof- 
fensive Mend of yours — this murky ruffian, after ob- 
truding into the boxes with his greasy breeches, his 
dirty boots, and his bludgeon, be tore he knocked 
down this gentleman, received a most tremendous 
pin scratch upon his ring finger, that put him to ex- 
cruciating torture ? eh ?" — " That is your version 
of the evidence, sir, and not mme.£* saki Ml 
Q 



170 LEGAL. 

Bigges. " Come, come, Mr. Digges, remember 
where you are, sir; you are a sensible man; eon- 
duct yourself with decorum to this court; remember 
it is no place for displaying your witticisms: but 
answer my question. Did you not say this gutter 
bully, your friend, received the first a-sault, in a 
tremendous pin scratch upon his right finger, that 
warranted him in the attempt to knock out this gen- 
tleman's brains with his cudgel V 9 — " Sir/ 7 answered 
Digges, " I hope I know my respect to this court. 
I did not come here to display wit against truth : I 
am aware it becomes rather my duty to oppose truth 
against wit. I said my friend received the first 
wound on his left hand little finger. I have heard it 
was a fiddle finger, but never a ring finger. I said it 
was a wound and not a scratch, inflicted with a 
broadsword, and not a pin ; and though it was not so 
deep as a draw-well, nor so wide as a church-door, 
it would do to warrant a man repelling such an at- 
tack, in the best way he could. As to the brahis of 
the gentleman, they were out of the question : I said 
nothing about them, nor did I think there was a pro- 
bability of his having any." Mr. Curran asked no 
more questions. 

Mr. Colbeck. 
494. The veteran Cousellor Colbeck one day 
cross-examining a country-fellow, as a witness, ariked 
him, in several ways, what he thought a particular 
person to be, from his own knowledge, hearsay, or 
belief; but could extract no other answer than that 
He did not know, and could not tell. — " Come, 
fellow,* said the counsellor, " answer me on your 
oath : what would you take me to be, if you did 
not actually know my person, and should meet me 
in the street?" — "Why then," says the fellow, 
"since you ask me, I will tell you, sir. By vartue of 
my oath, if you had not that wig and gown upon you, 
I should take you for a little ould Jew pedlar." The 



LEGAL. 171 

learned counsellor was silenced at so palpable a hit 
at his personal appearance. 

Mr. M'Mahom. 

495. A Counsellor M'Mahon had once a client 
of his own country, who was a sailor, and having 
been at sea for some time, his wife married again in 
his absence, for which he was resolved to prosecute 
her; and, coming to advise with the counsellor, he 
told him he must have witnesses to prove that he was 
alive when his wife married again. *' Arrah, by my 
shoul, that shall be impossible," said the other; " for 
my shipmates are all gone to sea again, upon a long 
voyage, and shan't return this twelvemonth." — " Oh, 
then," answered the counsellor, " there can be no- 
thing done in it ; and what a pity it is that such a 
brave cause should be lost now, only because you 
cannot prove yourself to be alive." 

Mr. Egan. 

496. The late Counsellor Egan, who was what is 
called a determined Jire-eater 9 being one day engaged 
in a criminal prosecution against a gentleman, for 
sending a challenge to another, who had called him a 
liar and a scoundrel, was very elaborate in his argu-* 
ments against the immoral and sanguinary practice 
of duelling, and decried, with much vehemence, the 
temerity of the defendant, which could not be justi- 
fied by any provocation in words, however contume- 
lious, even the terms of liar and scoundrel. " And 
pray, Mr. Egan," said Judge Tinucane, " what 
would you have done, if tbe plaintiff had called you 
by such names?" — u Done,'* answered Egan, quite 
oif his guard, " by the living God, I would have di- 
lacerated him upon the spot." 

Sir William Addington. 

497. On Sir William Addington's quitting his situ- 
ation as chief magistrate of the Bow-street office, th$ 

Q 2 



3 72 LEGAL. 

following paragraph appeared in a morning paper :— 
" Sir W. Addington retires from the practice of the 
law, to devote his hours to the study of it." 

Anonymous and Miscellaneous. 

498. An attorney, in Dean Swift's company, gave 
himself great liberties of conversation with him. At 
length this impudent limb of the law asked the dean, 
" Supposing doctor, that the parsons and the devil 
should litigate a cause, which party do you think 
would gain it?" — " The devil, no doubt," replied the 
dean ; as he would have all the lawyers on his side;" 

499. An attorney brought an action against a 
farmer for having called him a rascally lawyer. An 
<>ld husbandman, being a witness, was asked if he 
heard the man call the plaintiff" a lawyer? u I did," 
was the reply. " Pray," says the judge, " what is 
your opinion of the import of that word ?" — w There 
can be no doubt of that," replied the fellow. " Why, 
good man, " said the judge, " there is no dishonour 
in the name, is there?"— " I know nothing about 
that," answered he; "but this I know, if any man 
called me a lawyer I'd knock him down." — " Why, 
sir," said the judge, pointing to one of the counsel, 
u that gentleman is a lawyer, and that, and that, and 
I too am a lawyer. 7 ' — " No, no, replied the fellow ; 
no, my lord: you area judge, I know; but I'm sure 
you are no lawyer T 

500. A lady asked an old uncle, who had been an 
attorney, but who had left off business, what were 
the requisites for going to law ; to which he replied : 
* Why, niece, it depends upon a number of circum- 
stances. In the first place, you must have a good 
cause. Secondly a good attorney. Thirdly, a good 
counsel. Fourthly, good evidence. Fifthly, a good 
jury. Sixthly, a good judge. And lastly, good tuck?'' 



MEDICAL, 173 



CHAP VI. 



MEDICAL. 

Sir John Tabor. 

501. When Sir John Tabor went to Versailles, to 
try the effects of bark upon Louis the Fourteenth's 
only son, the dauphin, who had been long ill of an in- 
termitting fever, the physicians who were about the 
prince did not chuse to permit him to prescribe to 
their royal patient till they had asked him some me- 
dical questions: among others, they desired him to 
define what an intermitting fever was. He replied, 
" Gentlemen, it is a disease which I can cure, and 
which you cannot." 

Dr. Radcliffe, 

502. Dr. Mead, when very young, consulted Dr. 
Radcliife, on the means of rising in his profession. 
• * There are two ways of doing so," replied that sa- 
gacious and extensive practitioner, " by bullying, or 
by cajoling mankind, I have bullied them, and done 
very well, as you see ; you perhaps will cajole them, 
and that may do full as well." 

503. A paviour, to whom Dr. Radcliffe was indebt- 
ed, after many fruitless attempts caught him just 
getting out of his chariot at his own door, in Blooms- 
bury-square, and demanded the payment of his bill. 
4< What, you rascal," said the doctor, " do you pre- 
tend to be paid for such a piece of work ? Why, you 
have spoiled my pavement, and then covered it over 
with earth to hide your bad work !" — " Doctor, doc- 
tor," said the paviour, u mine is not the only bad 

Q 3 



3/4 MEDICAL. 

Work that the earth hides !" — " You dog," said the 
doctor, " you are a wit ; you must be poor, come 
in" — and he paid him his demand. 

504. Dr. Radcliffe was remarkable for a sudden 
thought in extraordinary cases : he was once sent for 
into the country to a gentleman who was dangerously 
ill of a quinsy ; and the doctor soon perceived that 
no application, internal or external, would be of any 
service; upon which he desired the lady of the house 
to order the cook to make a large hasty-pudding; 
and when it was done, to let his own servant bring it 
up. While the cook was about it, he takes his man 
aside, and instructs him what he is to do. In a short 
time the man brings up the pudding in great order, 
and sets it on the table, in full view of the patient. 
" Come, John," said he, " you love hasty-pudding*, 
-eat some along with me, for I believe you came out 
without your breakfast." Both began with their 
spoons, but John's spoon going twice to his master's 
once, the doctor takes occasion to quarrel with him, 
and dabs a spoonful of hot pudding in his face ; 
John resents it, and throws another at his master. 
This puts the doctor in a passion ; and, quitting his 
spoon, he takes the pudding up by handfuls, and 
throws it at his man ; who battles him again in the 
same manner, till they were both in a most woeful 
pickle. The patient, who had a full -view of the 
skirmish, was so tickled at the fancy, that he burst 
into a laughter, which broke the quinsy, and cured 
him, for which the doctor and his man were well re- 
warded. 

505. A gentleman, who was affected with a con- 
stant rheum in his eyes, waited on Dr. Radcliffe lor 
his advice. r i he doctor prescribed, and desired him, 
of all things to leave off drinking wine. In the 
course of a few weeks, the gentleman experienced 
the good effect of the prescription, and thought he 



MEDICAL. 175 

could not do less than call on the doctor to return 
him thanks. He was not a little surprised to find 
him in a tavern, and very merry over a bottle of wine, 
with a friend, notwithstanding his eyes were affected 
with the same disease he had just removed. " Well," 
said the gentleman, " I see you doctors don't follow 
your own prescriptions." The son of JEsculapius 
knew in an instant what he meant, and made this ob- 
servation : " If you love your eyes better than wine, 
don't drink it ; but as I love wine better than my, 
eyes, I drink it," 

506. Amongst the many faceti& related of Dr. 
Radcliffe, it has been noticed, that when he was in a 
convivial party he was very unwilling to leave it, even 
though sent for by persons of the highest distinction. 
Whilst he was thus deeply engaged at a tavern, a per- 
son called in order to get him to visit his wife, who Was 
dangerously ill ; but no entreaties could prevail on 
the disciple of JEsculapius to postpone his sacrifice to 
Bacchus. Enraged at the doctor's obstinacy, the 
man, who was very strong, took him up in his arms, 
and carried him oft in spite of his resistance. Rad- 
cliffe was at first much enraged, particularly as the 
circumstance excited much laughter amongst the 
spectators. Having cooled a little, however, before 
he wns set dowii, he listened to the apology of the 
husband, who excused himself for his rudeness by 
extreme illness of his wife : he then exclaimed with 
an oath, in his usual manner, " Now, you impudent 
dog, I'll be revenged of you, for I'll cure your wife." 

507. Attending an intimate friend in a dangerous 
illness, Dr. Radcliffe declared, in an unusual strain of 
generosity, that he would not take a fee. At last, 
when the cure was complete, and the physician was 
taking his leave, " I have put every day's fee," said 
the patient, " in this purse, my dear doctor; nor 
must your goodness get the better of my gratitude." 



176 MEDICAL. 

The doctor eyed the purse, counted the days of his 
attendance in a moment; and then extending his 
hand by a kind of professional mechanical motion, 
replied •. " Well, I can hold out no longer : single I 
could have refused the guineas ; but, all together, 
they are irresistible," 

508. Dr. Radcliffe used to threaten some of his 
brethren of the faculty — That he would leave the 
whole mystery of physic behind him, written on half 
a sheet of paper. 

Sir Samuel Garth. 

509. Sarah, Dutchess of Marlborough, once press- 
ing the duke to take a medicine, with her usual 
warmth, said, " I'll be hanged if it does not prove ser- 
viceable." Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaim#d, 
" Do take v it then, my lord duke, for it must be of 
use one way or the other." 

Dr. Woodward. 

510. Dr. Woodward and Dr. Mead had frequent 
altercations, which at length produced a rencontre. 
They both drew, but Mead, not loving cold iron, was 
retreating, when Woodward making a false step, fell 
down. His antagonist then ran in, and standing over 
him, demanded if he would submit, and ask his life. 
" If you threatened me with your physic" said 
Woodward, " I might beg my life ; but I certainly 
shall not ask it for fear of your sword. 

Dr. Cheyne. 

511. Doctors Cheyne and Tadlow were exceed- 
ingly corpulent men, but the last was by much the 
largest. Cheyne coming into a coffee-house one morn- 
ing, and observing Tadlow alone and pensive, asked 
him what occasioned his melancholy ? " Cheyne," 
says he, " I have a very serious thought come athwart 
ine : I am considering how the people will be able tp 



MEDICAL. 177 

get you and I to the grave, when we die/' — " Why/ 7 
says Cheyne, " six or eight stout fellows may take 
sue there at once ; but it is certain that you must be 
carried at twice." 

Dr. Ward. 

512. An old woman having consulted Doctor 
Ward, he prescribed for her: in a few days She 
waited on him again, and in a piteous tone told him, 
that his prescription had no effect. The doctor look- 
ed at her, and after a pause, said, " You should drink 
a glass of gin?'' — " Sol do, sir/' — " You should drir>k 
a second." — ■" So I do, sir, and a third and a fourth/' 
— -" Why, you old beldam/' cried the doctor in a 
passion, :" how can you expect that my medicine 
should do you any good, when you take so much 
pains to counteract it 1" 

Dr. Case. 

513. Dr. Majendie of Canterbury, Dr. Radcliffe, 
and Dr. Case, once passing a very jovial evening to- 
gether, " Here, brother," cried Radcliffe, " here, 
brother Case, suppose we drink a health to all the 
fools that are your patients/' — " I thank you, my 
wise brother Radcliffe/' replied Case ; "let me have 
all the fools, and you are heartily welcome to the rest 
of the practice." 

Dr. Rock. 

514. As Doctor Rock was standing at his door on 
Ludgate-Hill, a regular bred physician passed, who 
had learning and abilities, but not the success in his 
practise which he deserved. u How comes it," says 
he to the quack, " that you, without education, skill, 
or the least knowledge of the science, are enabled to 
live in the style you do ? you keep your town-house, 
your carriage, and your country-house ; whilst /, al- 
lowed to possess some knowledge, have neither, and 
can scarcely pick up a subsistence.' , — " Why, look 



178 MEDICAL. 

you/' said Rock, smiling, " how many people do yoti 
think have passed us since you asked me the ques- 
tion?" — "Why," answered the doctor, "perhaps a 
hundred/' — " And how many out of that hundred, 
think you, possess common sense?" — " Possibly one," 
answered the doctor. " Then/' said Rock, " that one 
comes to you, and I take care to get the other nine- 
ty-nine." 

Dr. Barrowby. 
515. The late Dr. Barrowby interested himself very 
much in favour of Sir George Vandeput, who was no- 
minated in opposition to the court party. At this pe- 
riod the doctor had for some weeks attended the noted 
Joe Weatherby, master of the Ben Jonson's Head, 
in Russel-street, Coven t-garden, who had been greatly 
emaciated by a nervous fever. During the Doctor's 
visits, the patient's wife, not knowing that gentle- 
man's political attachment, had frequently express- 
ed her uneasiness that her Joey could not get up and 
vote for her good friend Lord Trentham. Towards 
the end of the election, when very uncommon means 
were used on both sides to obtain the suffrages of the 
people, the doctor, calling one morning on his patient, 
to his great astonishment, found him up and almost 
dressed by the nurse and her assistants. " Hey-day ! 
what's the cause of this ?" exclaims Barrowby, " why 
should you get out of bed without my directions?" — 
" Dear doctor," says poor old Joey, in broken ac- 
cents, " I am going to poll/' — " To poll ! replies the 
doctor with great warmth, (supposing that he es- 
poused the same side that his wife did), " going to 
the devil you mean I W'hy do you not know that the 
cold air must destroy you? Get to bed, man ; get to 
bed as feist as you can, or immediate death may 
issue." — " Oh, sir ! if that be the case," returns the 
patient, in faultering accents, " to be sure I must act 
as you advise me ; but I love my country, sir, and 
thought, while my wife was out, to seize this opportu^ 



MEDICAL. 179 

nity to go to Co vent-gar den church, and vote for Sir 
George Vandeput." — " How, Joey, for Sir George !" 
9 Yes, sir, I wish him heartily well. 7 ' — " Do you ?" 
says the medical politician. Hold ! nurse ; don't 
pull off his stockings again ; let me feel his pulse. 
Hey ! very well ; a good firm stroke ; this will do ; 
you took the pills I ordered last night?" — " Yes, doc- 
tor; but they made me very sick/ 7 — " Aye, so much 
the better. How did your master sleep, nurse?" — 
" O charmingly, sir," replies the nurse. — " Did he? 
Well, if his mind be uneasy about this election, he 
must be indulged ; diseases of the mind greatly af- 
fect those of the body. Come, come, throw a great 
coat or blanket about him ; it is a fine day ; but the 
sooner he goes the better ; the sun will be down very 
soon. Here, here, lift him up ; a ride will do him 
good: he shall go to the hustings in my chariot." 
The doctor was directly obeyed, and poor Joe Wea- 
therby was carried in the chariot to the place of poll, 
where he gave his voice according to his conscience ; 
and, two hours after his medical friend had left him at 
his own house, he absolutely departed this life, load- 
ed with the reproaches of his beloved wife and the 
court party. 

Dr. Euchan. 

516. An old gentleman, who used to frequent one 
of the coffee-houses, being unwell, thought he might 
make so free as to steal an opinion concerning his 
case : accordingly, he one day took an opportunity of 
asking Dr. Buchan, who sat in the same box with 
him, what he should take for such a complaint. " I'll 
tell >ou/' said the doctor, sarcastically ; " you should 
take advice" 

Dr. Monsey. 

517. Dr. Monsey once going along Oxford-market, 
observed a poor woman at a butcher's shop, asking 
the price of a fine piece of beef. The brute answer*- 



ISO MEDICAL. 

ed the woman, " One penny a pound/' thinking, no 
doubt, it was too good for her. " Weigh that piece 
of beef/' said the doctor. " Ten pounds and a half,'' 
said Mr. Butcher. ? Here, good woman/' cried the 
doctor, * hold up your apron, and take that beef 
home to your family." — " God bless your honour !" — - 
" Go off directly— home : no compliments ! Here, 
Mr. Butcher," says the doctor, " give me change out 
of this shilling for that poor woman's beef." — f< What 
do you mean,, sir \V replied the butcher." Mean, sir ! 
why to pay for the poor woman's beef what you asked 
her, a penny a pound. Come, make haste, and give 
me three halfpence; I am in a hurry.*' — " Why, sir, 

n said the butcher. " No why sirs with me,' ? 

says the doctor, " give me my change instantly, or I 
will break your head." The butcher again began to 
expostulate, and the doctor struck him with all his 
force with his cane. A number of butchers had by 
this time gathered around him. The doctor told the 
story, and they could not refrain from laughing at 
their brother steel. The butchcB vowed he would 
summon the doctor before the court of conscience. 
The latter gave the man his address, but never got his 
change, or heard any more of him. 

518. The windows of the apartments of this eccen- 
tric character, who was for half a century physician 
to Chelsea Hospital, looked into the college court and 
walks. When he had arrived at a very advanced 
age, many members of the faculty, who thought this 
situation extremely desirable, and the doctor literally 
an incumbent, most naturally looked forward to the 
termination of his existence ; and the applications to 
the minister to succeed Dr. Mousey were innumera- 
ble. Indeed, in consequence of their ardent hopes 
of the place, the court of. Chelsea college used to be 
the favourite walk of the medical candidates. Here 
they were wont to enjoy themselves in the contempla- 
tion of the advantages of the situation, its vicinity to 



MEDICAL. 3 81 

the metropolis, and the beauty of the surrounding - 
scenery.— -Coach-houses gratis, and a hundred other 
agremens, h ad eertain ly their due wei gh t •; while "the 
doctor, sitting at his window, used to enjoy his owii 
thoughts, and smile at their presumption. One day, 
this humourist saw, from his observatory, a physician, 
accompanied by his friend, who were taking a survey 
of the spot. The friend was pointing out to the can- 
didate the pleasant situation of the medical apart- 
ments, and enumerating the various advantages 
of the college residence. As Mousey was fond of 
teizing, he immediately descended. A few words 
served for his introduction ; when, turning to the 
physician, he said, " So, sir, I find you are one of the 
candidates to succeed me/' The physician bowed, 
and he proceeded. " But you will be confoundedly 
disappointed." — " Disappointed !" said the physician, 
with quivering lips. " Yes/' returned Dr. M. * you 
expect to outlive me, but I can discern from your 
countenance, and other concomitant circumstances, 
that you are deceiving^ yourself — you will certainly 
die first ; though, as I have nothing to expect from 
that event, I shall not rejoice at your death, as I am 
persuaded you would at mine/' This was actually 
the case : the candidate lived but a short time. But, 
to return to the doctor: he was so diverted with 
checking the aspiring bopes of his brethren of the 
faculty, that whensoever he saw a physician on the 
look out, he used to go down and comfort him in the 
like manner. He had done so to several, and what 
is very extraordinary, his prognostications were in 
every instance verified: the medical speculators 
shrunk aghast from Chelsea.; so that, at the death of 
Dr. Mousey, the minister was not engaged by a sin- 
gle promise, nor had for some time had a single, ap- 
plication for the place of physician to the college., 

519. Sir Robert Walpole often played billiarjds 
with his neighbour Dr. Monsey, who was much his 

R 



182 Medical, 

superior at the game. " How happens it," said Sis 
Robert one day, " that nobody beats me at billiards 
.but you, doctor V'-*?" Because," said Monsey, " they 
play for* 'places ; I only for a dinner and praise ." 

620. Dr. Reid, well known by his medical re- 
ports in the Monthly Magazine, was requested by a 
lady of literary eminence to call at her house. " Be 
sure you recollect the address," said she, "as she 
quitted the room, " No. 1, Chesterfield street."-— 
" Madam," said the doctor, " I am too great an ad- 
mirer of politeness, not to remember Chesterfield, and 
I fear too selfish ever to forget number one" 

52 h The same gentleman was once in company 
Where a discussion took place on the merits of a 'phy- 
sician (since deceased), who was considered a very 
prosing writer ; the gentleman happened to be pre- 
sent whose task it was to put the doctor's works in a 
dress fit to appear before the public, and one of the 
company took occasion to remark, how much they 
were indebted to his revision and care. " Indeed," 
said the man of letters, " you make too great account 
of my share in the business ; I do but, little; I some- 
times expunge a word or a sentence, and sometimes 
put a crania, or a semicolon where they are wanted." 
— " If you are intrusted with so much power, sir/" 
said Dr. Reid, " I sincerely hope you will soon put a 
full stop to them." 

Dr. Harrington. 
522. A vain old country surgeon once calling upon 
Dr. Harrington, of Bath, told him with great exulta- 
tion, that he had obtained a diploma to practise phy- 
sic. The doctor asked if the form of a diploma now 
ran in ihe same style as at the early commencement 
©f those honours. u Pray, what might that be?" said 
the surgeon. " I'll give it you," replied our Galen; 
when, stepping to his daughter/s harpsichord, he 



MEPICAL. 183 

played and sung the following prophecy of the witches 
to Macbeth:— . 

** He must, he must, 

He shall, he shall, 

Spill much more blood, 

And become worse, 

To make his title good.*' 

4i That, sir" added he, " was the ty«e ancient 
snode of conferring a Scotch degree on doctor Mac- 
beth." 

Dr. Walcot, 
623. A patient of some distinction was tea2irig 
Peter Pindar with his symptoms, and though he had 
nothing scarcely to complain of, told him that he fre- 
quently had an itching, and begged to know what he 
should do. " Scratch yourself, sir," replied Peter ; 
which laconic advice lost him his patient. 

Dr. Zimmerman. 
524., During the last illness of the great King of 
Prussia, Dr. Zimmerman attended on his majesty. 
The warlike monarch in merry humour accosted his 
physician—" Well, doctor, I suppose you have 
Iielp'd many into the other world." — " Not so many," 
replied Zimmerman, u as your majesty, nor with so 
much honour to myself." 

Mr. (now Sir William) Blizard. 
525. Mr. Blizard, the surgeon, being ill of a fever, 
several of his profession made interest with the go- 
vernors of the London Hospital to succeed him. 
Blizard recovering, and meeting some time after witli 
one of these surgeons at a coffee-house, the latter l>e- 
gan to apologize for his having solicited, urging that 
it was no more than what was customary, where an 
hospital physician or surgeon was supposed to be in 
danger.— ■"" Sir," said Blizard, " if you will forgiv*- 
me Imng, I will forgive you soliciting. 
K 2 



-■184 MEDICAL. 

■M - -•:. '. • i :■'■-. Mp^SR. PftTiJv ... ■ ; ■ 

526. "As your skill 'in your profession is so great/' 
said a person to Mr. Petit, the celebrated French 
anatomist, "why do you not cure all the diseases of 
the human hq4y.?"— " My skill may be great/' re- 
plied Mr. Petit ; " but ..unfortunately we anatomists 
are like the porters of Paris, who are well acquainted 
with all the streets, but are ignorant ol what is pass- 
ing in the houses. 7 ' 

Mr. Scanlon. 

527. During the time that martial law was in force 
in Ireland, and the people were prohibited from hav- 
ing fire-arms in their possession, some mischievous 
yarlets gave information that Mr. Scanlon, who was 
a respectable apothecary of Dublin, had three mortars 
in Jhis house. A magistrate, with a party of dragoons 
in his train, surrounded the house, and demanded in 
the king's name/that the mortars should be delivered 
to him. Mr. Scanlon immediately produced them ; 
♦adding— that as they were useless without th&gestles, 
these also were at his majesty's service. 

c Anonymous and Miscellaneous. 

528. A gentleman who canvassed for a surgeoncy 
&t,the Bristol infirmary, waited upon a grocer who 
happened to be a subscriber, and, making his bow, as 
is usual on these occasions, said— 44 Sir, 1 have taken 
the liberty of troubling you, to request that you 

3Fonld ; — -," at which moment perceiving, by the 

stem brow of the grocer, that lie was about to receive 
U.piump. refusal, with great promptitude the applicant 

..changed his tone, and instead of soliciting his vote, 
ended his sentence with " weigh me a pennyworth 
c£ plumbs VI .and laid the money on the counter. 

520. .A .surgeon feeing sent, for to a gentleman who 
.had just received a slight wound in a duel, gave or- 
ders to his servant to go home with all possible speed 



medical. 3r85 

and fetch a certain plaster. The patient, turning a 
little pale, said,—" Sir, I hope there is no danger."— 
* Yes, indeed is there/' answered the surgeon ; " for 
if the fellow don't make haste, the wound will heal 
before he returns." 

530. A physician who was fond of the chase, being 
asked how he came to send all his patients to Bristol, 
Bath or Tunbridge, when past recovery, said — that 
it was only in the field that he wished to be in at the 
fleqtk. 

531. It is well known that the veterans who pre- 
side at the examination of surgeons, sometimes ques- 
tion minutely those who wish to become qualified. 
After answering very satisfactorily to the numerous 
enquiries made, a young gentleman was asked, if he 
wished to give his patient a profused perspiration 
what he would prescribe. He mentioned many dia- 
phoretic medicines in case the first failed, but the 
unmerciful examiner thus continued : u Pray, sir, 
suppose none of these succeeded, what step would 
you take next V — "Why sir/' enjoined the enraged 
and harassed young Esculapins, " I would send him 
here to be examined; and if that would not give" him 
a sweat, I do not know what would." 

632. A legislator desirous of binding the people in 
iron chains, enacted laws without number. In the 
interim, he fell sick, and his physician prescribed 
for him innumerable medicines. " Why is this pro- 
fusion of physic f cried the patient. " To restore 
you to health/' was the reply. u But, amidst so 
many remedies, may not some destroy the effect of 
others 1" — " Pardon me, sir, it was my intention to 
treat your malady in the same manner in which you 
treat the state." 

533. A physician being sent for to a lady, asked 
R 3 



: 186 - MEDICAL.. 

her the usual questions ; as, whether she eat pretty 
hearty? " Very much so:*'— "Did she sleep well?" 
" Extremely well :" and many other questions, to all 
pf which he received answers which shewed that the 
lady was in perfect health, only a little fanciful. 
" Well, madam," said he, departing, " I will en- 
deavour to prescribe something' to remove all these 
symptoms." 

534. A quaker apothecary meeting Dr. Fothergill, 
thus accosted him: "friend Fothergill, I intend 
dining with thee to-day."— " I shall be glad to see 
thee," answered the doctor.' " 1 intend bringing my 
family, with me," says the apothecary. " So much the 
better," quoth the doctor. "But pray, friend, hast 
thou not some joke?" — *■' No joke indeed," rejoined 

. the apothecary,, " but a very serious matter. Thou 

- hast attended friend Ephraim these three days, and 
ordered him no. medicine. 1 cannot at this rate live 

, in my own house, and must live in thine." . The 
doctor took the hint, and prescribed handsomely for 
the benefit of his friend Ephraim, and his friend 

. Leech tie apothecary, 

, 535. When Sir Walter Farquhar was created a 
baronet, a friend sent him a volume of Shakespeare, 
containing the first part of Henry IV.; in which he 
Jiad doubled down the page, where Falstaif solilo- 
quizes over' the dead body of Sir Wither Blount, 
and with his pencil had scored under these words 
— /'Can honour mend an arm? No, — Or set a leg? 
"No'j-rr-H&tiour hath no skill in surgery then ? No. — I 
like not such grinning Honour as Sir Walter hath:' 

536. An apothecary having refused to resign his 
seat to an officer's lady, the officer feeling himself 
much insulted, sent him a challenge: the apothe- 
cary was punctual at the meeting, but observed, 
that having never b^en accustomed to fire, he had to 



MEDICAL. 187 

propose a new way of settling the dispute. He then 
drew from his pocket a pill-box, and taking from 
thence two pills, thus addressed his antagonist: " As 
a man of honour you certainly would not wish to 
fight me on unequal terms, now here are two pills, 
one composed of the most deadly poison, the other 
perf ctly harmless, we are therefore on equal ground 
if we each swallow one — lake your choice." It is 
needless to add, that the affair was settled by a 
hearty laugh. 

537. Dr. M — d coming out of Tom's coffee-house, 
a poor apothecary met him at the door, and accosted 
him with a request to lend him five guineas. "Sir/ 7 
said the doctor, " I am surprised that you should 
apply to me for such a favour, who do ret know 
you." — " O, dear Sir," replied the apothecary, '-'it is 
for that very reason ; for those who do, will not ler.d 
me a farthing/' 

538. A physician being sent to a very whimsical 
old lady, having felt her pulse, and finding her in a 
high fever, asked her how old she was. She replied, 
" eighty;*' "and pray how much longer would you 
live?" said he, and immediately quitted the room. 

539. In a dispute concerning the superiority of 
man over the brute creation, and wherein that supe- 
riority consisted, a gentleman contended, that it con- 
sisted in the power of ratiocination, and of drawing 
inferences from premises; while his opponent, who 
was a physician, insisted, that animals possessed the 
same power. When the company broke up, the lat- 
ter gentleman went to visit a patient, who was a 
•painter, of the name of Wiseman. In the course of 
conversation, the physician adverted to the patient's 
trade, and took notice how well the sign over his 
house-door was painted ; and asked him, whether 
he thought he should be able, when recovered, to 



188 MEDICAL. 

draw some curious object for him? " O yes, Sir," 
answered Wiseman : " I can draw any thing." 
" Pray," said the doctor, " can you draw an infer- 
ence?"-— "Why no doctor,'' replied he, "I do not 
think I can/* Returning from his visit, he overtook 
a brewer's dray, the fore-horse of which was remark- 
ably strong and beautiful. " You have a very fine 
horse there, friend,'* said the doctor, " he seems to 
draw extremely well.*' "Aye, sir, that he does;" 
said the man, " he will draw any thing." — " Pray," 
returned the doctor, " do you think he could draw 
an inference?" Lord bless you, he can daw a thou- 
sand," answered the drayman. The next time the 
doctor met his patient, " Well, sir,*' says he, " I 
think you wiH now allow me to have established my 
argument, as I have met with a wise man who could 
not draw an inference, and with a dray-horse who 
could draw a thousand." 

540. A lady consulted a physician of eminence, on 
account of some rheumatic pains and a troublesome 
cough which she laboured under in a severe winter. 
The doctor accordingly wrote a prescription which 
w,as sent by the footman to the apothecary's, as usuaL 
The young gentlemen who were employed as dis- 
pensers, read it with a smile, and recommended the 
messenger to take it to a haberdasher's on the 
opposite side of the street, as apothecaries did not 
keep the articles prescribed ; upon which the footman 
enquired what the doctor bad ordered, when he was 
informed by the young iEsculapians, that the pre- 
scription ran thus: "Take — a good warm vdouble 
Scotch shawl, and apply it immediately round the 
shoulders and chest: add also, secundum ariem, a 
i>tout Welch flannel petticoat," 

541. A prince having asked his physician how much 
4aily food was required to nourish and support the 



MEDICAL. 189 

body, the physician replied, " One pound of food will 
support one man ; should he take more, the man will. 
support the food." 

,542. A certain physician, when he visited his rich 
and luxurious patients, always went into their 
kitchens, and shook hands wi.h their cooks. "My 
good friends," said he, * k 1 owe )ou much, for yen 
confer great favours upon me. Your skill, and your 
ingenious and palatable art of poisoning, enables us 
medical men to ride in our carriages; without your 
assistance we should go on foot and be starved." 

543. A celebrated surgeon was called upon by a 
gentleman to attend a friend in the country. The 
gentleman offered to carry him to the place. — ft By 
what conveyance ?"— '• 1 wil, take you down in a gig. 7 ' 
"I am much obliged to you," said ;he wary dis- 
ciple of zhseulapius, " but i deenne your offer, as I 
have at this moment half a dozen gig patients under 
my care." 

544. A medical gentleman observing a lady in a 
very ill state of health, stepping out of a post-chaise, 
where a servant was scoum.g the doorway, politely 
assisted her, saying, " AI.u>\ me, madam, to prevent 
your kicking the bucket." 

545. An apothecary being dejected during a very 
healthy season, was asked tbe reason. — " I bate 
good cause," said he, " to be ill, for all my friends 

are well" 

546. A nabob in a severe fit of the gout, told his 
physician he had suffered the pairs of the dainn'd, 
The doctor coolly rejoined " what already V 

. 647. A person, says an oriental writer, complained 
to a physician of the belly-ache. He asked what he 



190 MEDICAL/ 

had eaten that day. The answer was, burnt bread. 
The physician prescribed an eye-water. The patient 
asking how that was to cure the cholic, the doctor 
answered, " You first require medicine for your eyes ; 
for if they had seen perfectly, you would not have 
eaten burnt bread." 

548. All the teeth of a certain talkative lady being 
loose, she asked a physician the cause of it, who 
answered, " it proceeded from the violent shocks she 
gave them with her tongue." 

649. A surgeon being examined as a witness for the 
plaintiff in a certain action of assault, was asked what 
he had found it necessary to do in consequence of the 
bruises he had received in the affray: " I bled Mm, 
sir," said the surgeon* " And pray was that neces- 
sary ?" asked the defendant's counsel. " Sir," replied 
he, " we always deem it necessary to do something 
when called in/' 

560. A physician, much attached to his profession 
and his own skill, dining his attendance on a man of 
letters, observing that the patient was very punctual 
in taking his medicines and following his rules, ex- 
claimed in the pride of his heart, " Ah, my dear sir, 
now you deserve to be ill" 



Dr. Raocliffe. 
f>51. Sir Godfrey Kneller and Dr. RadchlSe lived 
next door to each other, and were extremely inti- 
mate. Kneller had a very fine garden; and as the 
doctor was fond of flowers, he permitted him to have 
a door into it. RadciiftVs servants however gather- 
ing and destroying the flowers, Kneller sent to infonn 
Mm that he would nail up the door; to which Rad- 
cMfte, in his rough manner, replied, ^Tell him, he; 



MEXHCAL. 1§1 

irtay do any thing but paint it."—:" Wellf * replied 
Kneller, " he may say what he will ; tell him I will 
take any thing^from him except physic" 

Dr. Cheyne. 

552. When the celebrated beau Nash was ill, Dr. 
Cheyne wrote a prescription for him. The next day 
the doctor coming to see bis patient, enquired if he 
had followed bis prescription. " No. faith, doctor/ 7 
said Nash ; " if 1 had, I should have broke my neck, 
for I threw it out of a two pair of stairs window." 

Dr. Pitcairn. 

553. Having been out a shooting one whole morn- 
ing without killing any thing, his servant begged leave 
lo go over into the next field, for he was sure there> 
were some birds there : " and," added lie, " if there 
are, 111 doctor them." — " Doctor them," said the 
master; " what do you mean by that?" — " Why, 
kill them, sir." 

Dr. Barrowby. 
654. The profligate Doctor Barrowby, whose wit 
had too often a strong tincture of ill-nature, was one 
evening very hard upon Mr. Hill, an apothecary, 
who had been in great distress. Hill took no notice 
of him at first, but suffered him to ran on till he 
changed the subject, when among other things, the 
doctor mentioned his having been out of town for a 
week. " Aye," said Hill, " that was published in 
all the Saturday's papers."— " In what form?" says 
the doctor. '* Why, decreased in burials this week, 
one hundred and forty-four/' 

Dr. Thompson. 
555. Dr. Thompson was a peculiar sloven, and, in 
the practice of a physician, an utter and declared 
enemy to muffins, which he always forbade his pa- 
tients. Being one day upon a visit to Eord M. the 



192 MKniCAL. 

company were assembled at breakfast long before the 
doctor appeared: and, just as he entered the room, 
in an uncouth habit, Lord M. uncov red a plate of 
muffins, which Thompson fixing his eyes upon, with 
some indignation said, " My lord, did not I beseech 
3'our lordship before, never to suffer a muffin in your 
house V To which his lordship archly replied, "Doc- 
tor, I am extremely fond of ail muffins', but raga- 
muffins." This pleasantry of the turn, at the doctor's 
expense, set the table in a roar. 

Dr. Duncan. 

55f>. Three years ago, Dr. Constaneio, a young 
Portuguese, of very uncommon talents and know- 
ledge, after regularly studying at the university of 
Edinburgh, applied for a degree of doctor of medi- 
cine ; but his pen having rather severely, though per- 
liaps not unjustly, lashed the learned professors, they 
were pleased to refuse him a diploma. Next day 
Professor Duncan meeting a student, asked him 
when he meant to graduate ; to which the other an- 
swered, (a near relation of the professor, not over- 
burthened with science having passed the day be- 
fore,) ' ; Never ; I flatter myself I am, not sufficiently 
ignorant to be entitled to pass, 17 

Sir Waltfr Farquhar. 

557. Some years ago the numerous friends of the 
late Lord Melville were much alarmed for the valuable 
life of the right honourable gentleman, oh hearing 
that he was gone into the country for the benefit of 
his health, accompanied by Sir Walter Farquhar., 
To relieve their fears, a ministerial paper informed 
them, that Sir Waiter did not travel with Mr. Dundas 
as a physician but as & friend* 

Dr. Tronchin. 

558. At the rehearsal of one of Voltaire's tragedies, 
as Mr. Cramer, bookseller at Geneva, (and the aiU 



MEDICAL, 1Q3 

thor's own immediate publisher,) was finishing his 
part, which was to end with some dying sentences^ 
Voltaire, all-despotic over those he thought his de- 
pendents, cried out aloud — " Cramer, you lived like 
a prince in the four preceding acts, but in the fifth 
you die like a bookseller.' 7 Dr, Trdnchin, the Boer- 
haave of his age, being present, could not help, in 
kindness, interfering ; adding withal, € * Why, Mens, 
de Voltaire, can you expect gentlemen to be at the 
expense of dresses, and the fatigue of getting up such 
long parts, if 3011 thus upbraid them? On the con- 
trary, I think they all deserve the greatest encourage- 
ment at your hands ; and as to my friend Cramer, 
I declare, that, as far as I am a judge, he dies' with 
the same dignity as he lived, ' 7 Voltaire who detested 
advice or information from an inferior, (for an au- 
thor was, in his eye, beyond even an ^Esculapius, 
had he been living,) made this cool answer ; " Pr'y- 
thee, doctor, when you have got kings to kill, kill 
them in your own way; but let me kill mine as I 
please." 

Dr. Moriau. 

559. M. Moriau, physician to the Dutchess of Bur- 
gundy, going one day to the prince's with a sword. 
was jocose upon his adjustment, and said, "Mon- 
seigneur, do not you think I resemble captain Spez- 
zaferro, of the Italian comedy?' 7 — " It is impossible 
to resemble him less/' answered the prince ; " Spez- 
zaferro never killed any body. 77 

Chevalier Taylor. 

560. When the celebrated Chevalier Taylor first 
set up his coach, he consulted with Foofe about the 
choice of a motto. " What are your arms ? 77 says the 
wit. " Three mallards, 77 cried the doctor. " Very 
good/ 7 said Foote, " why then the motto I would 
recommend to you is, Quack! Quack! Quack !" 

s 



1Q4> MEDICAL. 

Anonymous and Miscellaneous. 

561 . A physician at Newcastle being summoned t& 
a vestry, held in order to reprimand the sexton for 
the blunders ho had committed through drunkenness, 
dwelt so much upon the poor fellow's misconduct as 
to raise his choler, and draw from him this retort ; 
" Upon my word, sir, this is very ill-natured ; that you 
should be so eager to lay open all my. blunders, when 
I have so often covered yours. 7 ' 

562. A. doctor who advertised his cure for the gout, 
was sent for by a rich patient. The servant an- 
nounced to his master, lying in bed, the arrival of 
the doctor. " I beard no carriage under my window," 
said the patient. — " Sir/' says the servant, " the doc- 
tor came on foot." — " What !'" exclaimed the angry 
patient, " cure the gout, and not keep Ms carriage I 
John, go and horsewhip the fellow/' 

563. A physician, who lived in London, attended a 
lady, who lived in Chelsea. After continuing his 
visits for some time, the lady expressed an apprehen- 
sion that it might be inconvenient for him to come so 
far on her account. " Oh, Madam I" replied the 
doctor, " I have another patient in this neighbour- 
hood, ami by that means, you know, I kill two birds 
with one stone. v — " Doctor/' replied the lady, " you 
are too good a shot for me/' and she accordingly 
dispensed with his further attendance. 

564. A clergyman being deprived for nonconform- 
ity said, " it should cost an hundred men their lives." 
This alarming speech being reported, he was carried 
before a magistrate and examined, when he explained 
himself by saying, his meaning was, that " he intend- 
ed to practise physic." 

565. The principal difference, said a celebrated 



MEDICAL. 1Q5 

{aft, between a regular physician and a quack is— 
tkat you die under one, and the other Mils you. 

566. A heretic in medicine bring" indisposed, his 
physician happened to cali. Being told that the doc- 
tor was below, he said, " Tell him to call another 
time ; I am unwell, an<l can't see him now." 

567. An old city humourist being told that Dr. — , 
the physician^ was dead, exclaimed, " I am always 
glad to hear of a doctors death ; it saves so many 
lives." 

568. Anapothecary, in Durham, has the following 
wards written in his shop- window — " AH sorts of 
dying stuffs sold here." 

569. It was mentioned to Mr. Windham, some 
years since, that the College of Physicians and the 
Licentiates w r ere going to law. " Is not this very 
idle/' asked Mr.W. " since they have means of war- 

fare in their own hands ? Why don't tliey prescribe 
for one another," 

570. Dr. Saunders, some time since, going to his 
country-house in his carriage, was delayed by a tum- 
pikeman, who refused to take the sixpence offered, 
saying it was a very bad one. The doctor looked at 
it again, told him it was a very good one, and bade 
his coachman drive on. The turnpikeman directly 
seized the horses veins ; when the coachman whipped 
him most unmercifully, till he was obliged to let go 
Lis bold. Dr. S. being known, an action was imme- 
diately commenced, but put aside in two courts, by 
the interest of the defendant, or the eloquence of his 
advocate. However, it was renewed in another, 
against the coachman. Here the plaintiff obtained a 
werdict of 301. damages ; but when be came to Dr. 
£* thinking he would pav for his -servant, he fotijftd, 

i 2 



196 MEDICAL. 

unfortunately, that the coachman having fallen sick 
during the action, had been placed under the care of 
a friend of his master's, who had put him safe under 
ground three days before. 

, 571. When Rabelais was on his death-bed, a con- 
sultation of physicians was called. " Pear _ gentle- 
men," said the wit to the doctors, raising his languid 
head, " let me die a natural death." 

572. An apothecary being with a large company of 
his neighbours, boasted, that a new patient, who had 
been many months confined to his bed, under the 
care of another apothecary, was out in twenty-four 
hours after he began to attend him. " Yes," replied 
a person present, "1 know that to be a fact; I met 
him yesterday, going to bs buried:' 

573. A tailor, having mended a pair of breeches 
for one of his customers, was carrying them home, 
when he saw a funeral pass by, attended in the pro- 
cession by an apothecary whom he knew. " So mas- 
ter," says he to the apothecary, " I see you are carry- 



H 574. The following curious paragraph, in honour 
of the Dutch physicians, was lately inserted in one 
of the London papers : — " The mortality in Gronirt- 
gen, Delft, and Rotterdam, was at tirst very great ; 
but, after the death of three physicians, it is stated 
to have abated very considerably." 

. 575. When Lord North introduced Dr. R to 

the king, his majesty made many enquiries concern- 
ing the medical professors of Edinburgh, and the 
state of the college, of which the doctor was princi- 
pal. He being thus taken upon his own ground, ex- 
patiated at large, with gravity and decorum, now 
and then stroking his baiio\ oil the merit of the Edin- 



MEDICAL. 19? 

fourgh college, mentioned the various branches of 
learning which were taught in it — the number of 
students that flock to it from all quarters of the world 
— and, in rep!y to his majesty's particular inquiries 
concerning it, as a school of medicine, he observed, 
that no college could boast of conferring the degree 
of physic on so many gentlemen as that of Edin- 
burgh ; for it annually sent out more than forty phy- 
sicians, besides vast quantities of those who exer- 
cised the lower functions of the faculty, as surgeons, 
apothecaries, &c. " Heaven V exclaimed the king, 
interrupting the doctor, " Heaven have mercy on my 
poor subjects." 

576. A physician was wont to say, when he met a 
friend, " I am glad to see you well." — " In troth, sir," 
said one, "I think you do but dissemble; for the 
world always go ill with you when it goes well with 
jour friends*" 

577. Addison very humourously compared physi- 
cians to an army of antient Britons, as described by 
Julius Caesar, where he says of them, " Some slay on 
foot, and some in chariots. If the infantry do not 
so much execution as the cavalry, it is because they 
cannot convey themselves with so much velocity into- 
all quarters, nor dispatch their business in so short a 
time. " 

578. When Daguessau was High-Chancellor of 
France, a severe law-suit was earned on between the 
physicians and the surgeons. M. Peyronie pleaded 
•ably, and requested the chancellor to order a high 

wall to be built between the hospitals of the two con- 
tending parties. " But if we dp build the wall,** said 
ihe chancellor, " on which side of it shall we place 
the sick." 

579* A Persian author relates, that a lover was 
5 3 



1Q8 MEDICAL. 

searching every place for a good physician, to pre- 
scribe to his mistress, who was ill. He met a person 
who possessed a talisman, which enabled the posses- 
sor to see ghosts. On looking in it, he saw crowds 
of ghosts, which had formerly been his patients, about 
the door of one physician; several others, though not 
so many, about the door of another doctor: and, at 
last, at one door, he saw only a single ghost. He 
immediately called on the doctor, and, with many 
compliments to his skill and superior practice, de- 
sired his advice. " My superior practice !" cried the 
doctor; " wbv, I never had but two patients in my 
life.* 

580. An obscure physician quarrelling with a neigh- 
bour, swore, in a great rage, that some time or other 
he would be the death ot him. " No fear of that, 
doctor/ 7 replied the other ; " for I shall never sencl 
for you." 

681. Counsellor Cripps being on a party at Castle-* 
Martyr, the seat of the Earl of Shannon, in Ireland, 
one of the company, who was a physician, strolled 
out before dinner into the church-yard. Dinner -be- 
ing served up, and the doctor not returned, some of 
the visitors were expressing their surprise where he 
could be gone to. " Oh," says the counsellor. u he 
is but just stept out to pay a visit to some of his old 
patients." 

582. A lawyer and a physician having a dispute 
about precedence, referred it to Diogenes, who gave 
it in favour of the lawyer, in these terms : — "Let the 
thief go before, and the executioner follow." 

583. Lord Loughborough rallying a physician, one 
day, on the inefneaey of his prescriptions, the doctor 
said, he defied any of his patients to find fault with 
him. " That," answered the witty lord, " is exactly 
what Jack Ketch says." 



MEDICAL. J99 

584. " No man," said a doctor one day, "can com- 
plain of my having used him ill." — " True," said his 
friend ; " because all you were ever called to attend 
died under your hands." 

585. " Why not send for a doctor," said a man to 
his sick Mend. " Because, though ill. I do not yet 
wish to die," he replied. 

586. In a late cause at Derby assizes respecting a 
will, evidence was given to prove, the testator (an 
apothecary's wife) a lunatic; and, amongst many 
other things, it was deposed that she had swept a 
-quantity of pots, phials, lotions, potions, &c. into 
the streets, as rubbish. " I doubt,-" said the learned 
judge, u whether sweeping physic into the street be 
any proof of insanity." — " True, my lord," replied 
the counsel; " but sweeping thereto away certainly 
was." 

587. A noted oculist was m a room, crowded with 
company, and was asked what he thought of such a 
lady — was it not a pity that she squinted ? " Squint, 
£ir," replied the infallible doctor; " I wish every lady 
in the room did the same ; there is not, I assure you, 
a man in Europe can cure squinting but myself." 

588. A physician who went to see a sick patient, 
was told by the servant that she had just expired. 
" Your lady may be apparently dead," said the doc- 
tor, " yet not actually so." He alighted from his car- 
riage, and went up stairs, where he found his patient 
actually dead, with the customary fee,in the palm of 
her hand ; and, taking it, " I see," said the doctor, 
with mmch seriousness, " the poor lady expected me." 

589. A physician wishing to instruct his pupil in 
the mysteries of the science, took him to see a pati-* 
ent ; wh© was confined to his bed. " Sir," said the 



200 MEDICAL. 

physician to the sick man, " you have been impru- 
dent; you have eaten oysters." The patient con- 
fessed that he had. When the physician returned 
home, the pupil asked him, " How he came to dis- 
cover that the man had eaten oysters." " Why," re- 
plied he, " I sasv some oyster shells under the bed." 
Shortly after this, he sent his pupil to pay a visit to 
the same person ; but he soon returned, saying that 
he had been turned out of the house. " Why so ?* 
asked the physician. " Sir," replied the pupil, u for 
saying that he had been imprudent, that he had eaten 
a horse." — "A horse! you blockhead; and how- 
could you say so ?" — " Because, sir, of the symp- 
toms." — "What symptoms! ignorance !" — " Be- 
cause, sir, I saw a saddle and stirrups under the bed !" 

590. An honest countryman went some time ago to 
Edinburgh, to procure a medicine for a sick child. 
The apothecary, Mr. G. graveiy directing the shop- 
man to infuse the powder in a pint of aqua fontis. 
" Hold," says the clown ; " how much does the me- 
dicine cost without the aqua fontis?" — " Fourpence," 
said the unsuspecting son of Galen ; " and one shil- 
ling with the liquid." — " Very well," replied the 
shrewd fellow ; hand me the powder, I'll e'en be con- 
tent with aqua pumpi$>" 

591. An apothecary was drank to in a public com- 
pany, by a person who said " Your health, bro- 
ther." The proud son of the pestle and mortar 
wished to know on what account he called him bro- 
ther. "Why,". said the other, "we are brethren 
by trade ; you are an apothecary, and I am a slop- 
seller." 

592. It is said of a Bath physician, that he could 
not prescribe even for himself without a fee, and 
therefore, when unwell, that he took a guinea out of 
one pocket, and put it into the other. 



MEDICAL. - 201 

593. One very dark night, Mr. Elwes, hurrying 
along the street, ran with such violence against the 
pole of a sedan chair, that he cut both his legs very 
deeply. Colonel Tinnns, at whose house he was, in- 
sisted on ati apothecary being sent for, with which 
Mr. Elwes reluctantly complied. The apothecary, 
on his " arrival, began to expatiate on the dangerous 
consequences of breaking the skin, the peculiar bad 
appearance of the wounds, and the good fortune of 
his being sent for. " Very probably," said old Elwes, 
" but, in my opinion, my legs are not much hurt; 
now you think they are — so I will make this agree- 
ment ; I will take one leg, and you shall take the 
other : you shall do what you please to yours, and I 
shall So nothing to mine ; and FJl wager you your bill 
that my leg gets well the first." Reused to boast 
ihat he beat the apothecary by a fortnight. 

594. A querilous invalid was telling his physician 
that he, though at an advanced time of life, did not 
know how to manage himself. " You know, my 
friend/' says the doctor, " that a man of forty is 
either a fool or a physician." The invalid archly sur- 
veying the son of Galen, who was of that age himself, 
shrewdly replied, " Pray, doctor, may not a man be 
both P 

595. A physician at Bath, paying his last visit to 
a patient who was just expiring, and no attendant 
being in the way, the sick man bade the doctor put 
his hand into his pocket and take out his fee. " But," 
says he, gaily, kt would not that be like picking your 
pocket, my friend?" — " Very like it, indeed,' 7 faltered 
.out the dying patient. 

596. An Irish surgeon, who had couched a cata- 
ract, and restored the sight of a poor woman, in Dub- 
lin, observed in her .case what he deemed a phenome- 
non, in optics, on which he called together his pro- 



£02 MEDICAL. 

Fessional brethren, declaring himself unequal to . the 
solution. He stated to them, that the sight of his 
patient was so perfectly restored, that she could see 
to thread the smallest nee ox e ; or to perform any 
other operation, which required particular accuracy 
of vision : but that when he presented her with a 
book, she was not capable of distinguishing one let- 
ter from another. This very singular case excited 
the ingenuity of all the gentlemen present, and va- 
rious solutions were offered; but none could com- 
mand the general assent. Doubt crowded on doubt, 
and the problem grew darker from every explanation ; 
when, at length, by a question put by the servant 
who attended, it was discovered that — the woman had 
never learned to read, 

597. A conceited, but ignorant doctor, who affected 
an unlucky phrase at every turn, would exclaim 
without thinking of it, " So much the better." Vi- 
siting a patient almost in the agonies of death, he 
asked how he had slept the preceding night ? " Not 
a wink, sir." — " So much the better" cries the doctor. 
He then enquired how his fever was? " O, sir," says 
the patient, " I burn as if I was on fire." — " So much 
the better , v quoth Galen. " How does your cough V f 
" I spit up my lungs," replied the sick man. " So 
much the better/' answers the quack. u Ah, dear doc- 
tor," replied the expiring patient, " what a pity it is 
that a man should go out of the world with ail these 
fine symptoms {'* 

598. A stage-doctor harranguing the populace at 
Hamersmith, said, u To this village I owe my birth 
and education ; I dearly love it and its inhabitants, 
and will cheerfully give a present of a crown to every 
one who will accept it." The audience received this 
notice with infinite satisfaction. " Here, ladies and 
gentlemen," added he, putting his hand into a bag", 

«&iid taking out a parcel of packets, " these inestim- 



MILITARY, 203 

able medicines I usually sell for five and six-penee a 
piece, but in favour of this my natait spot, I will bate 
iiye shillings on each." 

599. A regular physician being sent for by a maker 
of universal specifics, grand salutariums, &c. ex- 
pressed his surprise at being called in on an occasion 
apparently trifling. " Not so trifling neither," replied 
the quack ; " for to tell you the truth. J have by mis- 
take taken some of my own pills.' 7 

600. A modest young clergyman was once- asked 
by an impudent country apothecary, in a pablie as- 
sembly, how it happened that the patriarchs lived 1*> 
such an extreme old age I "I know no other reason 
for it," answered the divine,. " but this, \\id\they took 
no physic. 77 



CHAP. VII. 

MILITARY. 

Fabius Maximus. 

601. The sont)f Quintus Fabius Maximus, advising 
that general to seize on a post, said, " It will only 
cost a few men." Fabius answered, drily, " Will 
you make one of the few. 77 

Hannibal. 

602. Antiochus, King of Syria, shewed Hannibal 
the large army he had raised to fight against the Ko- 
rnans. He drew out in review before him the foot 
soldiers, glittering with gold and silver, and the ca~ 



204 MILITARY. 

valry caparisoned with purple trappings. The vain- 
glorious monarch' beheld Hannibal surveying all this 
pompous parade in silence, and presuming upon his 
approbation said, " Do you not think that such troops 
as these will be enough for the Romans."— " Yes," 
said Hannibal, who well knew how to estimate show- 
without strength, " they will be enough for the Ro- 
mans, if the Romans were even, ten times more ava- 
ricious than they are." 

/ Sir George Lisle. 

603. Sir George Lisle, one of the- bravest of the 
generals of Charles I. Was one of those who so nobly 
defended Colchester in 1648. The same day that the 
rebel army took the place, he was ordered to be shot. 
When he was about to be executed, thinking that the 
soldiers who were to dispatch him stood at too great 
a distance, he desired them to approach nearer. One 
of them said, " I warrant we shall hit you." He re- 
plied with a smiie, " Friends, I have been nearer to 
you, when you have missed me." 

General Kirk. 

604. General Kirk, who had served many years at 
Tangiers, after his return to England, was pressed by 
James the Second to become a proselyte to the Ro- 
mish religion, as the most acceptable means of re- 
commending himself to v favour. As soon as the king 
had done speaking, Kirk expressed great concern 
that it was not in his power to comply with his ma- 
jesty's desire, because he was really pre-engaged. 
The king smiled, and asked him what he meant? 
u Why, truly/' answered Kirk, " when I was abroad, 
I promised the Emperor of Morocco, that if ever I 
changed my religion I would turn Mahometan ; and 
I never did break my word in my life, and must beg 
'eave to say I never with" 



MILITARY. £05 

Duke of Marlborough. 

605. When Marshal Tallard was riding with the 
Duke of Marlborough in his carriage, after the vie- 
vrctory of Blenheim, " My lord duke," said the mar- 
shal, u 3 r ou have beaten to day the best troops in the 
world." — " I hope/ 7 replied the duke, " you except 
those who have had the honour of beating thern." 

606. In the war of the allies with France, the de- 
puties of the states of Holland presented obstacles 
to the plans of the Duke of Marlborough and Prince 
Eugene. The duke was once asked how it happened, 
that Alexander the Great, and many other heroes, of 
antiquity, had in a very snort time made sush consi- 
derable progress in their conquests, and that now all 
that the greatest generals could do, was to take two 
or three towns in the course of a whole campaign. 
*' The reason," he replied, " is sufficiently obvious : 
Alexander, and the other great heroes of antiquity, 
had never any deputies from the states-general m 
their camps." 

General Oglethorpe. 

607. The late General Oglethorpe, when only fif- 
teen years of age, exhibited an uncommon instance 
of presence of mind, in a circumstance which, to a 
military man, was extremely delicate. He was at 
that time a volunteer in the army of Prince Eugene, 
and happened to be at table with the Prince of Wir- 
temburgh. who, on the young soldier saying some- 
thing he did not like, took a glass of wine and flirted 
it in his face. To have challenged the prince, might 
have fixed on him the character of a quarrelsome 
man : to have taken no notice of it, would have been 
considered as cowardice, and subjected him to future 
insults. Oglethorpe, therefore, fixing his eye upon 
the prince, and smiling at the same time, as if he 
took what his highness had done as a jest, said, — • 
44 Prince, that is a good joke, but we do it much bet- 

T 



£06 MILITARY. 

ter in England," and immediately threw a whole glass 
of wine in his face. An old general who sat by, said 
id the prince, " ; Twas well done, your highness be- 
gan it." And thus, a circumstance which might have 
been attended with fatal consequences, became by 
this happy union of discretion and spirit, the source 
of pleasantry and good humour. 

Earl of Stair. 

608. The Earl of Stair, who commanded the allied 
army in two or three campaigns, in the war of 1774, 
riding out early on a misty rainy morning, to recon- 
noitre, attended only by an aid-de-camp or two, fell 
in with an advanced guard of the enemy; and, on 
.his approach, the French serjeant who commanded 
the party turned out his men, and ordered them to 
present. Lord Stair had advanced too far to retreat, 
before he discovered his situation ; he therefore in- 
stantly determined to assume the character of a 
French general, in which design he was favoured by 
being wrapt up in a military cloak ; and, pushing up 
to the serjeant, he commended his alacrity in very 
good French : and having given him a strict charge 
to keep a good look out for any reconnoitring parties 
of the enemy, he turned his horse, and galloped out 
of sight before the serjeant could sufficiently recover 
from his surprise, to recollect circumstances by which 
he might easily hare discovered the imposition. 

General Otway. 

609. General Otway had been many years in the 
army with the rank of colonel, and during that period 
many junior colonels got preferment over his head. 
His friends frequently entreated him to state his ser- 
vices, and petition the king ; which he at length con- 
sented to, and and the chaplain of the regiment he 
served in was appointed to draw up his memorial, 
when the colonel perused it, he found it concluded 
with the word!, " and your petitioner shall ever 



MILITARY. ?07 

pray ;V on which he told the chaplain he had made a 
mistake, and supposed that he was writing a petition 
for himself; and concluded with insisting that the 
word pray, being unfit for an officer, should be ex- 
punged. It was in vain that he was told, such was 
the form of all petitions; he would not give up his 
opinion, but insisted that it should run — " and your 
petitioner shall everjight." This petition he present- 
ed to the late King (George Ii). who, pleased with 
the novelty of the conclusion, and the honest blunt- 
ness of the officer, gave him a regiment a few r weeks 
after, contrary to the advice of the minister, who had 
promised it to a person who had considerable parlia- 
mentary interest. 

Marquis of Granby. 

610. The late Marquis of Granby having returned 
from the army in Germany, travelled with all possible 
expedition from the English port, at which he landed, 
to London ; and finding on his arrival that the king 
was at, Windsor, he proceeded there in his travelling 
dress, when, desiring to be instantly introduced to his 
majesty, there came a certain lord, neat and trimly 
dressed, gay, and perfumed like a milliner, who in the 
style of a waiting-gentlewoman, said, he hoped the 
noble marquis did not mean to go into the presence 
in so improper a habit, adding, " 'Pon my honour, 
my lord, you look more like a groom than a gentle- 
man/' — " Perhaps I may," replied the marquis, " and 
I give you my word, if you do not introduce me to 
the king this instant, I will/act like a groom, and curry 
yon in a way you won't like," 

General Burgoyne. 

611. When General Burgoyne was once at a play, 
which was most miserably enacted, at a barn in Lan- 
cashire, he called one of the performers, and asked 
him what w r as the name of the piece. " The Stage 
Coach, sir" replied Buskin, bowing ifcry respectfully. 

t 2 



.208 MILITARY. 

4i Why then," answered the general, returning the 
bow with the utmost gravitj r , " yon will greatly 
oblige me by giving me early notice the next time it 
is performed, that I may be an outside passenger " 

General O'Hara. 
612. After the disgraceful failure of the expedition 
to Ferrol in the year 1800, under the command of Sir 
James Murray Pultney, a rendezvous of the troops 
took place in the Bay of Gibraltar. Some officers 
happening to land, General O'Hara, the governor of 
the fortress, asked what the real object of the attempt 
had been ? An officer replied, " It was only meant as 
a- diversion" — " And so it has proved/' exclaimed the 
governor, u for Europe has been diverted from one 
end to the other by it" 

General Tarleton. 
.' 613. A lady, who is a strong advocate for the 
rights of women, being engaged in a dispute with 
General Tarleton, asserted that an army of women 
would be in every respect competent to take the field 
against an army of men ; adding, " Suppose I had 
the command of 10,000 women, each of whom had 
received a military education, and you commanded 
an army of men equal in numbers, how would you 
get an advantage that you might not have in an equal 
degree over the same number of men?" — " Madam," 
rep-lied he, " I would keep from a general engage- 
ment ; I would make propositions of peace, and, du- 
riug the treaty, the male and female officers and sol- 
diers must frequently meet to settle the conditions : 
the consequence would be, that at the end of eight or 
nine months, when all of you ought to be in the jield, 
you would be in the straw, 7 

Count O'Donnel. 
614. The Queen of Hungary, in a conversation 
with General Count O'Donne^, a native of Ireland, 



MILITARY. 209 

was pleased to say some very polite things in favour 
of the officers of that country, who had been engaged 
in her service, during the late war: among others, 
" My lord/' says she, " J really wonder that I am 
not able to give laws to all Europe, when I have so 
many gallant countrymen of yours in my service." 
To which his lordship, with a very low bow, replied, 
"I should wonder equally, madam, if your majesty 
had not contended with a prince, who can spare a 
great number of his subjects to fight the battles of his 
enemies." 

Marshal Bassempierre. 

615. Francis Bassempierre, a general of the Swiss 
guards, in the service of Louis XIII. indulged his 
wit at the expense of his liberty, for he was confined 
in the Bastile for his caustic speeches. He passed 
his time in prison in reading and writing. One day, 
as he was busily turning over the leaves of the Bible, 
a friend asked him, " What he was looking for ?" — 
" A passage," said he, " which I cannot find." This 
passage was the way out of prison. 

616. When General Bassempierre was liberated 
from prison, Louis XIII. asked him his age, and 
he reported himself to be no more than fifty. The 
king seeming surprised, " Sire," he answered. " I 
deduct ten years passed in the Bastile, because I did 
not employ them in your service." 

6178 An officer relating his feats to the marshal/ 
said, that in a sea-fight he had killed 300 men with 
his own hand : " And I," said the marshal, " de- 
scended through a chimney in Switzerland to visit a 
pretty girl."— '« How could that be?" said the cap- 
tain, <v since there are no chimneys in that country f ' 
— " What, sir," said the marshal, " I have allowed 
you to kill 300 men h? a fight, and surely you may 
permit me to descend a chimney in Switzerland," 
x 3 



£10 MILITARY. 

The Duke de Luxembourgh. 

618. The Duke of Luxenibourgli resembled the 
renowned Conde, whose pupil he was. He beat 
William, Prince of Orange, in several battles, which 
caused William to express himself with great indig- 
nation. " Is it impossible for me," said he, a to 
beat that little hunch-back Luxembourgh V — " How 
should he know whether I am so or not?" said the 
duke ; " for, often as I have seen his back, he never 
saw mine." 

Marshal Turenne. 

619. The Marshal du Turenne being one day alone 
in a box in the play-house, some provincial nobles 
came in, who, not knowing him, would oblige him to 
yield his seat in the first row. They had the inso- 
lence, upon his refusal, to throw his hat and gloves 
upon the stage. The marshal, without being moved, 
desired a lord of the first quality to hand them up to 
him. The gentleman, finding who he was, blushed, 
and wouM have retired ; but he, with much good hu- 
mour, intreated them to stay, saying, " That if tliey 
would sit close, there was room enough for them all !" 

620. A young gentleman in the streets of Paris, 
being interrupted by a coach in his passage, struck 
the coachman. A tradesman, from his shop, cried 
out, " What ! beat the marshal de Turenne's peo- 
ple I" Hearing that name, the gentleman, quite out 
of countenance, flew to the coach to make his escuse. 
The marshal said, smiling, " You understand, sir, 
how to correct servants ; allow me to send mine to 
you when they do amiss.' 9 

621. Marshal Turenne happening one hot day to 
be looking out of the window of his anti-chamber, in 
a white Waistcoat and nightcap, a servant entering 
the room, deceived by his drtss, mistook him for one 
of the under-cooks. He came softly behind him, and 



MILITARY. £11 

with a hand, which was not one of the lightest, gave 
him a violent slap on the breech. The marshal in- 
stantly turned about ; and the fellow, frightened out 
of his wits, beheld the face of his master. Down he 
dropped upon his knees — u Oh ! my lord ! I thought 
it was George." — "And suppose it had been George," 
replied the marshal, rubbing his backside, " you 
ought not to strike quite so hard. 

Marshal Villars. 

622. When the great Marshal Yillars was past 
fourscore, he gave a signal instance of his alacrity 
and courage, in attacking some squadrons of imperial 
horse with the King of Sardinia's guards. That king 
expressed his admiration of this exploit, and said, 
u Although advanced in years, you have shewn all 
the ardour of a young officer." To this compliment 
the marshal modestly replied, " Lamps are apt to 
sparkle just before they expire," 

623. Marshal Villars, upon the death of the Duke 
de Vendome, in Louis the XlVth's time, was made 
governor of Provence in his room ; and when he went 
to take possession of his new government, the depu- 
ties of the province made him the usual present of a 
purse full of louis cVors ; but the person who had the 
houour to present it, said to him, " Here, my lord, is 
such another purse as that we gave to the Duke de 
Vendome, when, like you, he came to be our gover- 
nor ; but the prince, after accepting of it as a testi- 
mony of our regard, very generously returned it." — • 
" Ah," said Marshal Villars, putting the purse into 
his pocket, 4 * M. Vendome was a most surprising 
man, he has not left his fellow behind him." 

624. Marshal Villars had many enemies at the 
court of Versailles. When he went there, previous 
to resuming the command of the army in Flanders, 



£12 MILITARY. 

" I leave your majesty ," said he, " in the midst of 
my enemies, while I go to combat yours" 

Marshal Faber. 

625. The Mareschal de Faber, a distinguished 
French officer, during a siege, was pointing out a 
place ; and just as he was speaking, a musket ball 
carried off the finger with which he was pointing ; he 
instantly stretched out another finger, and continued 
the conversation, — " Gentlemen, as 1 was observ- 
ing-" 

The Duke de Grammont. 

626. The Duke de Grammont besieged a town, 
and the governor capitulated. When the governor 
was introduced to him, he said, " I will confess to 
you, in confidence, that I proposed to surrender be- 
cause I wanted -powder" — " To return your confi- 
dence," said the duke, " I confess I granted you 
such conditions, because I wanted ball." 

Marshal Torias. 

627. Marshal Torias having made every necessary 
arrangement for an approaching battle, an officer 
asked leave of absence, that he might go and receive 
his father's blessing, who he said was at the point of 
death. The marshal, who suspected the cause of his 
request, answered him thus : " Go, honour thy father 
and thy mother, that thy days may bi long upon the 
earth," 

General Richepanse. 

628. When General Richepanse returned to Paris, 
he went to the levee of Bonaparte, and there pre- 
sented himself; but he was taken no notice of, a side 
glance from the chief consul excepted, who con- 
tinued his conversation with another general. Riche- 
panse made a second attempt, and met with the 
same reception. Highly offended, Richepanse then, 



MILITARY. £13 

in a lender tone, said, " Citizen general, when you 
are at leisure/ 7 On which Bonaparte turned round, 
as in reply to a troublesome person, and asked, 
u What do you want, sir? what is your name?" 
Richepanse instantly put his hand to his sword, 
and answered, " My name, citizen consul, is Riche- 
panse, a name which, if forgotten by you, has the 
honour of being known to all Europe/' Bonaparte 
seeing with whom he had to deal, readily assumed 
the greatest affability, and appointed him command- 
ant at Guadaloupe. 

Gonzalvo of Cordova. 

629. Gonzalvo of Cordova, general under Ferdi- 
nand V. King of Arragon, heard the powder maga- 
zine blow up with a dreadful explosion, on the first 
discharge of the enemy. " My sons," said this brave 
man to his soldiers, "victory will be ours; Heaven 
announces to us the glorious tidings, and tells us, by 
its thunder, that we shall have no farther occasion for 
our artillery." 

The Duke de Bourbon. 

630. The Duke of Bourbon, general of the army 
of Charles ¥. received his death wound in the as- 
sault of the city of Rome. Some of the soldiers, 
passing near the place where he was stretched rt|>o*i 
the ground nearly expiring, asked each other if it was 
true that the duke was dead. He, hearing their in- 
quiries, and wishing not to discourage them, ex-r 
claimed, " Bourbon is gone forward." 

General Stuppa. 

631. Pierre Stuppa, the Swiss general, being de- 
puted to solicit from Louis XIV. the arrears of pay 
due to Swiss officers, M. Louvois, the war minister, 
said to the king, " Sire ! these Swiss are very im- 
portunate. If your majesty had all the money your 
predecessors have paid them, it would form a road 



214 MILITARY. 

from Paris to Basle."—" That may be," observed the 
brave Stuppa, "but at the same time, if your ma- 
jesty had all the blood the Swiss have shed in de- 
fence of France, it would form a river from Basle to 
Paris/' 

General Clairfait. 

632. In the war of the French revolution, in 1794, 
the King of Prussia, the Duke of Brunswick, and 
General Clairfait, made a combined, and, as they 
thought, a most unexpected attack upon the repub- 
lican army ; but, to their great surprise, they found 
their enemies fully prepared for them, and ranged in 
regular order of battle ; they gave them such a warm 
reception that they were obliged to retreat with con- 
siderable loss. At a council of war held immediately 
afterwards, in which* the above-mentioned persons 
were present, general Clairfait, fixing his eyes stead- 
ily on the King of Prussia, said, " One of us three 
is a traitor." — " How so V' said the king, looking 
confused. " I repeat/' said the general, " that one of 
us three is a traitor, or our well-concerted plan could 
not possibly have failed of success." — " I can assure 
you/' said the King of Prussia, " that I never whis- 
pered a word upon the subject to any human being, 

except to Madame de II*- --." — " What a faithless 

counsellor, or rather what a perfect novice in the 
ways of the world, you must be!" exclaimed the en- 
raged general Clairfait. " Could you possibly have 
taken a more etfectual method to sacrifice us to the 
French army, than by blabbing our secret to a 
French woman V 

The Duke of Richmond. 

633. His grace of Richmond being asked why he 
ordered a captain's guard to mount in the kitchen, 
replied — That he wished to accustom the soldiers to 
stand fire. 



MILITARY. 215 

The Marquis of Towns end. 

634. Some time after Lord Townsend bad given 
up bis commission in the guards, on oceount of the 
late Duke of Cumberland's refusing him leave of ab- 
sence for three days, be went one morning to the 
parade, where Colonel F (who was remark- 
able for being a tale-bearer to his Royal Highness) 
was looking over the exercise, in order, if any thing' 
was wrong, to report it. Upon seeing Lord Towns- 
end come up, " What, Townsend/' said be, " though 
you have left us, I see you still come as a spectator ?* 
~— " Aye," replied his lordship, " and, between us 
both, I think we must improve the men, as you come 
here as a tatter. 

Colonel Kennedy. 

635. In one of the engagements with the French 
at Cuddalore, the 101st regiment gave way, and their 
place was immediately supplied by a battalion of 
black infantry. A gentleman shortly aftewards, con- 
versing on the subject, in company with Colonel Ken- 
nedy, said be w r as surprised that they gave way. 
" And so am I too,'* said the colonel, " for they were 
all tried men." — " How can you make out that," says 
the gentlemen, u when they are a new regiment V — 
" Oh, by my conscience," says the colonel, " they 
were ail tried at the Old Bailey long ago." 

Major Mason. 

636. During the siege of Fort St. Philip, a young 
lieutenant of the marines was so unhappy as to lose 
both bis legs by a chain-shot. In this miserable and 
helpless condition he was conveyed by the first oppor- 
tunity to England, and a memorial of his case pre- 
sented to an honourable board, in order to obtain 
some additional consideration to the narrow stipend 
of half-pay. The honourable board pitied the youth, 
but disregarded the petition. — Major Mason had the 
poor lieutenant conducted to court on a public day, 



216 MILITARY. 

in his uniform ; where, posted in the guard-room, 
and supported by two brother officers, he cried out, 
as George II. was passing to the drawing-room, " Be- 
hold, great sire, a man who refuses to bend his knee 
to you ; he has lost both in your service/' The king, 
struck no less by the singularity of this address, than 
by the melancholy object before him, stopped, and 
hastily demanded what had been done for him. 
" Half-pay," replied the lieutenant, u and please your 
majesty 7 ' — u Fye, fye on't," said the king, shaking 
his head, u but let me see you again next levee-day." 
The lieutenant did not fail to appear at the place of 
assignation, where he received from the immediate 
hands of royalty, five hundred pounds smart money, 
and an appointment of two hundred a-year to be 
paid quarterly as long as he lived. 

Major Rogers, 

637. When the late Major Rogers took up his 
abode in a spunging-house, in Southampton Build- 
ings, Holborn, like a true philosopher, he endeavour- 
ed to make his situation as agreeable as possible ; he 
therefore one day, out of a whim, sent cards of in- 
Titation to all the bailiffs who frequented the house, 
to come and dine with him. They accordingly came, 
and being in high spirits, after dinner, one of them 
being called upon for a toast, gave — " The d — I ride 
roughshod over the rascally part of the creation." 
When every body was going to drink the toast, the 
major (who was at the bottom of the table) cried out, 
" Stop, gentlemen, every man fill a bumper/' — " Oh r 
there's no occasion for that," says one of the com- 
pany." — " Yes, but there is," said the major ; " con- 
sider, it is a family toast, and ought to be done jus^ 
tice to." 

Captain Ogle. 

638. Mr. Ogle being at Lockefs ordinary, where 
he was playing at hazard with a great many lords, and 



MILITARY, 217 

having very good luck, lie ordered a porter to go up 
and down the streets, and bring; to him as many poor 
people as he could get; who, in a little time, brought. 
upwards of an hundred beggars. Whereupon Ogle 
ordered them a shilling a-piece in meat and drink. 
By the time they had made an end of their allow- 
ance, Mr. Ogle had broken all the persons of quality , 
discharged the mumpers reckoning, and given them 
sixpence a-piece besides. As he was going- into 
Spring Gardens, he met the Duke of .Monmouth, who 
asked him where he had been? " Been/' said he* 
** why I have been fulfrllmg the scripture/'" — " I be- 
lieve you know nothing of the matter," returned the 
duke. " No matter for that," said Ogle, "but I have 
filled the hungry with good things,, and the rich I 
have sent empty away." 

The Marquis St. Axdre. 

639. The Marquis St. Andre applied to Louvois, 
the war minister under Louis XIV. for a small place 
then vacant. Louvois having received some corn- 
plaints against the marquis, refused to comply. The 
marquis, somewhat nettled, rather hastily said, " If I 
were to enter again into the service, I know what I 
would do." — tt And pray what would you do?" re- 
torted the minister, in a furious tone. " I would take 
care," replied St. Andre, who had now recollected 
himself, " to behave in such a manner, that your ex- 
cellency should have nothing to reproach me with."* 
Louvois, agreeably surprised at his reply,, immedi- 
ately granted his request. 

Colonel Van G rotten*. 

640. In one of the engagements in Holland, 
Colonel Van Grotten asked one of his lieutenants for 
a quid of tobacco. It was in the very heat of the 
contest, and a cannon ball laid the lieutenant pros- 
trate in the act of presenting it. " I must be obliged 
to you then/' said the colonel, cooliy, turning to ano- 

17 



S18 MILITARY. 

4her officer, " for you see our friend is gone awajr 
with his tobacco-box. 

Anonymous and Miscellaneous. 

641. A general, being on his travels, found himself 
indisposed, and was obliged to stop at a little village 
to be bled. The barber of the village was called in 
to officiate ; but his appearance not being very much 
in his favour, the general drew back his arm, just as 
the lancet was on the point ol entering. " Ah ! what 
you are afraid of the blood !" said the barber. "No," 
returned the general, t4 it is the bleeder, not the blood, 
I am afraid of." 

642. An officer of a disbanded regiment applying 
to his agent for his arrears, told him that he was in 
the most extreme want, and on the point of dying 
with hunger. The agent seeing him of a jovial and 
ruddy aspect, replied, that his countenance belied 
his complaint. " Good sir," replied the officer, " for 
heaven's sake do not mistake ; the visage you see is 
not mine, but my landlady's ; for she has fed me on 
trust for these two years." 

643. At a violent opposition election for Shrews- 
bury, in the reign of George I. a half-pay officer, who 
was a non-resident burgess, was, with some other 
voters, brought down from London, at the expense 
of Mr. Kynaston, one of the candidates. Hie old 
campaigner regularly attended and feasted at the 
houses which were opened for the electors in Mr. 
Kynaston's interest, until the last clay of the polling, 
when, to the astonishment of the party, he gave his 
vote to his opponent. For this strange conduct lie 
was reproached by his quondam companions, and aslo 
ed what could have induced him to act so dishonour- 
able a part, and become an apostate. '" An apos- 
tate I" answered the old soldier; " an apostate! by 
no moans ; I made up my mind about who I should 



MILITARY. 219 

Vote for before I set out upon this campaign, but I 
remembered the duke's constant advice to us when I 
served with our army in Flanders, ' Always quarter 
upon the enemy, my lads — always quarter upon the 
enemy.' " 

644. An officer and a lawyer talking of the disas- 
trous battle of Auerstadt, the former was lamenting 
the number of brave soldiers who fell on this occa- 
sion ; when the lawyer observed, " That those who 
live by the sword must expect to die by the sword." 
< — (i By a similar rule," answered the officer, " those 
who live by the law must expect to die by the law." 

645. A serjeant in a regiment of foot, having in his 
cups snapped the blade of his sword in two, got for 
the moment a wooden blade, till he could conve- 
niently have the proper one renewed. This coming 
to the ears of the commanding officer, he ordered 
the serjeant to bring to the parade, from the black 
hole, his brother, a private, confined there for drunk- 
enness. The serjeant, in due obedience, went with 
a file of men, and brought his brother forward. The 
colonel then addressed the private in a severe tone, 
thus — " You are, sirrah, such a drunken scoundrel, 
and have so long disgraced the corps, that I am de- 
termined you shall at once have your head struck off", 
and your own brother shall be your executioner; kneel, 
sir, and you, serjeant, do your duty !'' The serjeant 
intreated that there might not be imposed on him an 
office so shocking to his feelings ; but all in vain, the 
commander was inexorable. The serjeant then fell 
on his knees, and exclaimed, " Pray, Heaven, hear 
my prayers ; and, rather than 1 should be the slaugh- 
terer of my brother, may the blade of mv sword be 
turned to wood ! My prayers are heard," cried he, 
drawing his sword : " my prayers are heard :" to the 
no small entertainment of the commanding officer. 

v 2 



£20 MILITA&Y. 

646. An English soldier, having: been taken, lit 
company with twenty-three Spaniards, by Prince 
Maurice, it was determined that eight of them should 
be hanged, in requital for a like sentence by the 
Archduke Albert, upon some Hollanders, and that 
It should be decided by lot on whom the punishment 
should fall. The Englishman happily drew his deli- 
verance ; but one Spaniard expressing great reluc- 
tance and terror of mind, when he put his hand into 
the helmet to try his fate, not so much from fear of 
death, as an antipathy to such a decision, in which 
lie might make his own hand destroy himself, and be 
executed for the guilt of others, the Englishman con- 
sented to take what money he had, and stand the 
chance for him. The judges consented to this re- 
quest, as to that of a fool or madman, who deserved 
not the life he had so providentially obtained. Yet 
such v?as his good fortune, that be drew himself safe. 
When asked why he would put his life in such dan- 
ger again for the safety of another, and after such a 
signal escape, presumptuously to hazard it a second 
time? * Because/' said he, " I had a bargain of it; 
for, considering that I daily expose my life for six- 
pence, I thought I might, with much more reason, 
venture it for twelve crowns*" 

647. A grenadier wagered that he would, at mid- 
night, go and feed with soup a body that was hang- 
ing on a gibbet The person with whom he wagered 
contrived to get up behind the dead man. The hour 
being come, the grenadier brought a ladder, put it 
up, presented the soup to the dead man, and smeared 
all his mouth with it. The man behind called out t 
" Comrade, your soup is very hot." The other, not 
in the least disconcerted, answered, "Why don't 
you blow, then." 

648- During the war in 1672, a poor woman, who 



MILITARY. 221 

sold beer among the army, set down her barrel near 
a tent, and cried, as loud as she could, " Here's fine 
beer ; two-pence a quart. " A soldier, on the other 
side of the tent, cried at the same time, " Here's fine 
beer ; three halfpence a quart." — " Alas !" said she, 
" some cruel deceiver undersells me, and I shall re- 
turn with my whole stock/' This, however, was not 
the case; for, on looking into the barrel, she per- 
ceived she had not a drop left. The fact was, the 
soldier had pierced the other end of the barrel, and 
sold every drop at three-halfpence a quart. 

649. A soldier, who had but a penny to procure 
him his morning's provision, having purchased a half- 
penny roll, entered a cheesemongers shop, and re- 
quested a halfpennyworth of cheese. He received 
for answer, u We never make so small a quantity." 
He again solicited, but was again gruffly refused. The 
poor fellow was much distressed, not having enough 
to purchase more ; but, as necessity is ever the mo- 
ther of invention, he indulged himself in the follow- 
ing innocent stratagem: — " Make me a pennyworth," 
said he. " Aye, aye," returned the other greedily ; 
" that you may have." When the pennyworth was 
cut off, he begged the man to divide it as equally as 
possible, as two were to partake of it. The cheese- 
monger having taken considerable pains to divide it ? 
the soldier took up one of the halves, and, putting 
down his halfpenny, thanked him for his halfpenny- 
worth of cheese, and very coolly walked off. 

650. Baron D'Adrets occasionally made his pri- 
soners throw themselves headlong, from the battle- 
ments of a high tower, upon the pikes of his soldiers. 
One of these unfortunate persons, having approached 
the battlements twice, without venturing to leap, the 
baron reproached him with his want of courage in a 
very insulting manner, " Why, sir," said the pri- 
ll 3 



222 MILITARY. 

soner, u bold as you are, I would give you five times 
before you took the leap." This pleasantry saved the 
poor fellow's life. 



Hannibal. 

651. Hannibal tried every art to draw Fabius Max- 
imus into a battle. " If Fabius," said he, " be so 
great a general as he is reported to be, he ought to 
descend from the mountains, and fight me in the 
plains." Fabius replied, " If Hannibal be so great a 
general as he fancies himself to be, he ought to force 
me to fight him any where." 

Sir George Leslie. 

652. Leslie, general of the Scottish Covenanters, 
in the reign of the unfortunate Charles I. though 
brave, was ignorant, to such a degree, indeed, that 
be could hardly sign his own name. It is reported, 
that once upon a march, passing by a house, he said, 
" There is the house where I was taught to read."— 
" How, general," said one of his attendants, " I 
thought that you had never been taught to read." — 
" Pardon me," replied he, " 1 got the length of the 
letter G." 

The Duke of Marlborough. 

653. When Prince Eugene went to consult the 
Duke of Marlborough, in his tent, the night before 
the great battle of Blenheim, the duke, with his cha- 
racteristic parsimony and attention to little, in the 
midst of great things, snuifed out two of the four 
candies that were burning on the table, and said, 
" We can talk without so much light." 

General Boyd. 

654. When General Boyd was Governor of 'Gib- 
raltar, he once wrote an order to a.Mr. .Brown, his 



MILITARY. QQ.3 

agent in London, for provisions for the garrison, but 
forgot to insert what he wanted for his own private 
use until the letter was sealed up, and the vessel, by 
which it was to be sent, on the point of sailiug ; he 
therefore wrote on the outside, " Brown, beef, Boyd/' 
His agent returned his provision with an epistle 
equally laconic, written immediately under the direc- 
tion, f Boyd y beef, Brown/ 7 

General Howe. 

655. The first time that consummate hero, General 
Howe, went to court after he returned from America, 
he had in his carriage a very handsome pair of horses. 
A person who observed them, exclaimed — Where 
could the general get his bays ! " Not in America," 
replied a by-stander. 

General Sutton. 

656. General Sutton, brother to Sir Robert Sutton, 
was very passionate, and calling one morning on Sir 
Robert Walpole, who was quite the reverse, found 
his servant shaving him. During the conversation, 
Sir Robert said, " John, you cut me ;" and continued 
the former subject of discourse. Presently he said 
again, H John, you cut me ; but as mildly as before : 
and soon after he had occasion to say it a third time ; 
when Sutton, starting up in a rage, said, swearing a 
great oath, and doubling his fist at the servant, u If 
Sir Robert can bear it, I cannot ; and if you cut him 
once more, John, I'll knock you down." 

General Lee. 

657. The American General Lee. being at dinner 
with some Scotchmen, took occasion to say, soon 
after the cloth was removed, that he had an unfortu- 
nate propensity, when he happened to take a glass 
too much, which was, to pour every sort of abuse on 
the Scotch, and therefore, should any thing of that 
kind happen, he hoped they would excuse him % 



224 MILITARY. 

" By all means," said one of the Scotchmen ; *' we 
all have our failings, especially when in liquor. I my- 
self have a very disagreeable propensity, when that is 
the case, to take the first thing I can lay hold of, and 
knock down any man that abuses my country; I 
hupe, therefore, the company will excuse me, if any 
such thing should happen/' General Lee, after this 
speech, did not choose to indulge his propensity. 

Marshal Bassompiere, 
658. It was customary with Marshal Bassompiere, 
when any of his soldiers were brought before him for 
heinous offences, to say to them, " Brother, you or I 
certainly will be hanged ;" which was a sufficient de- 
nunciation of their fate. A spy being discovered in 
his camp, was addressed in this language ; and next 
day, as the provost was carrying the wretch to the 
gallows, he pressed earnestly to speak with the mar- 
shal, alleging that he had somewhat of importance to 
communicate. The marshal, being made acquainted 
with this request, exclaimed, in his rough and hasty 
in aimer, " It is the way of all these rascals, when or- 
dered for execution ; they pretend some frivolous 
story, merely to reprieve themselves for a few mo- 
ments : however, bring the dog hither/' Being in- 
troduced, the marshal asked him what he had to say. 
" Why, my lord," said the culprit, " when first I had 
the honour of your conversation, you were obliging 
enough to say, that either you or I should be hanged : 
now I am come to know whether it is your pleasure 
to be so ; because, if you won't, I must, that's all." 
The marshal was so pleased with the fellow's humour, 
that he pardoned him. 

The Prince de Conde. 

659. The great Prince of Conde besieged a town 

in Spain, called Lerida, and was unsuccessful. At 

the play-house, one night, he cried out, " Take that 

fellow, who is making a noise in the pit, and cany 



MILITARY, 223 

mm to prison." — *'' / am not to be taken" sakl the man, 
as he was running away ; u my name is Lerida" 

Marshal de Yivoxxe. 
680. Monsieur de Vivonne, who was general of the 
expedition against Messina, writing from that place 
to the king, closed his letter in these words — " To 
finish the affair, we only want ten thousand men." 
He gave his letter to seal to Du Tenon, commissioner 
for the army, who was bold enough to add — - u And a 
general* " 

Anonymous and Miscellaneous. 

661. A French officer, being one day in company 
with Marshal Meiileraye. said, " If I am not a Mar- 
shal of France. I am of the Avood of which they are 
made f to which M. de Meilleraye answered, u Be 
assured, sir, that when the king makes marshals of 
wood, you shall not he forgotten. 7 ' 

662. A fellow hearing the drams beat up for volun- 
teers for France, in the expedition against the Dutch, 
imagined himself valiant enough for a soldier, and 
therefore enlisted. Returning, and being asked by 
bis friends, what exploits lie had done there ; he said, 
that he had cut off one of the enemy's legs : and be- 
ing told that it would have been more honourable and 
manly to have cut off his head : u Oh V said he, 
*' Ms head \ceus cut off before. 7 ' 

663. In an Edinburgh newspaper, of the 9th of 
July. 1796. was the following paragraph: " An indict- 
ment has been preferred before the sheriff against a 
breeches-maker for a violent assault on three of the 
It 02/ a I Edin b u rgh I "o hi n leers . ' ' 

664. Dr. Gregory, professor of physic at Edinburgh, 
was one of the first to enrol himself in the Royal 
jEdmburgh Volunteers, when that corps was raised. 



226 MILITARY. 

So anxious was he to make himself master of military 
tactics, that he not only paid the most punctual at- 
tendance on all the regimental field-days, but studied 
at home for several hours a day, under the serjeant- 
fnajor of the regiment. On one of the occasions the 
officer, out of all temper, at the awkwardness of his 
learned pupil, exclaimed in a rage, " Sir, I would 
rather teach ten fools than one philosopher" 

665- A colonel who had raised a regiment of fenci- 
ble cavalry, was complaining in a company that he 
had the whole labour of the corps on himself. * I 
am," said he, " obliged to be my own major* my own 
captain, my own adjutant, &c/' — u And," said a per- 
son present, " I presume, your own trumpeter" 

666. A certain swaggering, blustering commissioned 
officer, unfortunately for his pride, no other than a sort 
of an honest mender of soles, chanced to let his cane 
fall severely on the shoulders of a poor fellow, who 
was not altogether expert in handling his musket 
with the dexterity of a fugle-man. " Why don't yoii 
move, you scoundrel, with alacrity V cried the offi- 
cer. " Bless your honour/' replied the man, " how 
is it possible ; the shoes your father made me pinch 
me so !" It is almost unnecessary to add that the 
drill was speedily dismissed. 

667. Previous to the inspection of the Dover Vo- 
lunteer corps, by the Lord Warden, an order was 
issued for the men to wear black stocks made of lea- 
ther, as is usual with troops of the line. Several of 
the corps objected to this order, alleging, that, not 
being accustomed to such a stiff bandage round their 
necks, they hoped to be permitted to wear their silk 
ones as before. Mr. Pitt observed, when the corps 
assembled, that he had never been accustomed to 
wear a stock made of leather, but he now submitted 
to that part of the military dress* from which he did 



MILITARY, 227 

not experience the least inconvenience. " That may 
be, sir/' replied an honest blacksmith, who was in 
the ranks; u for your neck is like your head, so very 
long, the leather can do you no injury.'* 

668. A chaplain at the hospital in Flanders, attend- 
ing a soldier at the point of death, desired another 
soldier that stood by to come and join in prayer; to 
which he answered, " No, sir, I thank you, mine is 
only an ague/' 

669. A soldier having by order of a court-martial 
been sentenced to receive corporal punishment, one 
of the drummers, ordered to inflict it, absolutely re- 
fused, saying, that it was not his duty. " Not your, 
duty!" said the serjeant-major. " Not your duty !"■ 
repeated the adjutant, "what do you mean?" — "I 
know veiy well," replied the drummer, " that it is 
not my duty : I was present at the court-martial as 
well as you, and I heard the colonel say, he was to 
receive corporal punishment, I am only a drummer, 
not a corporal" 

670. A soldier boasted to Julius Caesar of tlie 
many wounds he had received in his face. Caesar, 
knowing him to be a coward, said to him, " The next 
time you run away, you had better take care ho\y you 
look behind you." 

671. At a late review of a volunteer corps, not 
twenty miles from Norwich, the major, who gave the 
word not rinding the men so expert as he wished, was 
perpetually calling " As you were — As you were" and 
putting them twice through the manoeuvre ; the in- 
specting officer at length losing all patience, ex- 
claimed. " As you were\ No, I'll be hung if you are 
as you were ; for you are not half so good as you were 
the last time I saw you." 



?€8 MILITARY, 

672. A veteran of the halbert employed in raising 
a s regiment of infantry, was overtaken by a gejatfe- 
ijuan rider, who mistaking him for an ofiieer, brought 
him to his irniy and introduced him into the room, 
where several gentlemen of the saddle-bags were about 
fitting down to supper. The hero of the worsted 
sash, waiting modestly till the rest were seated, found 
the head of the table only left; and there he was 
placed. Supper done, and all the glasses charged^ 
alter a long pause, the voice at the bottom of the 
table, wanting the first toast from the chair, called 
upon his military president, " Well, sn\ what will 
you give us?" The honest Serjeant, infinitely better 
versed in the doctrine of bounty money than of toasts, 
mistook th« enquiry, and answered quite in charac- 
ter, ** I'll give you fifteen guineas and a. crown." 

673. At a certain review, a company of thirty, on 
receiving the word u fire," pulled so irregularly, that 
the reports were almost like that of single piec?s„ 
which naturally enraging the captain, he cried out, 
With a design of mollifying them, — " Why, how now ? 
only twenty-eight have fired; where are the other 
two?? 

674.. Mr. Bensley, before he went on the stage, ivas 
an officer iii the army. Meeting one day a Scotch- 
man, who had been in the same regiment, the latter 
was very happy to see his old brother officer, but be- 
ing ashamed to be seen in the street with a player, 
he hurried him into an obscure coilee-bouse, v^lieo he 
began to remonstrate with him on his thus disgracing 
the honourable profession to which he had belonged, 
4t But," added he, "what do y,ou make by tins new- 
business of yours?" Mr. Bensley said, from seven 
hundred to a thousand a year. ^ A thousand a year V r 
exclaimed Sawney, " hae ye ony vacancies in youf 
k corps." 



MILITARY. 22<J 

675. When Marshal ■ was about ninety 

years of age, he-was disturbed with the noise of some 
you Jig officers diverting themselves with some girls. 
fi Is this, gentlemen/' said lie, " the example that I 
set yam,* 

676. Some soldiers once fell upon 3 watchman in a 
smalt town, in a lonely street, and took away his 
money and coat. He immediately repaired, to the 
captain of the regiment, to complain of his misfor- 
tune. The captain asked him whether he had on the 
waistcoat he then wore, when he was robbed by the 
soldiers. " Yes, sir," replied the poor fellow. u Then, 
my friend," rejoined the captain, " I can assure you 
they do not belong to my company ; otherwise they 
wouM have left you neither waistcoat nor shirt." 

677. A soldier being- sent on the late Dutch expe- 
dition, said to the officer directing the drafts, " Sir, 
I cannot go because I stutter." — " Stutter!" says the 
officer; "you don't go to talk, but to tight." — k ' Ave; 
but they'll p-p-put me on g-g-guard, and a man may 
go- ha-ha-half a mile before I can say, wh-wh-who 
goes there!" — " Oh, that's no objection, for there will 
fee another sentry placed along with you, and he can 
challenge if you can fire." — "Well, b-b-but I may be 
t-aken, and run through the g-g-guis, before I cast 
jery qu-qu-quarters." 

678. Lord Armadale, one of the Scotch judges, 
liad a son, who at the age of e3even or twelve rose 
4o- the rank of a major. One morning his mother 
Searing a noise in the nursery, rang to know the cause 
mi it. u It is ©illy," said the servant, u the major 
greeting for his ponddge/' (Crying for his breakfast.) 

679. During the siege of Gibraltar, in the absence 
of the fleet, and when an attack was daily expected*^ 
a&e dark night, a sentry, whose post was near $ 



€30 MILITARY. 

tower facing the Spanish lines, was standing at the 
end of his walk, whistling, and looking towards 
them, with his head filled with nothing but fire, 
and sword, miners, breaches, stormi>g, and 
bloodshed! By the side of his box stood a deep, 
narrow-necked earthen jug, in which was the remain- 
der of his supper, consisting of boiled peas. A large 
monkey, (of which there are plenty at the top of the 
rock) encouraged by the man's absence, and allured 
by the smell of the peas, ventured to the jug ; and, 
in endeavouring to get at its contents, thrust his 
neck so far into the jug, as to be unable to withdraw 
it. At this instant, the soldier approaching, the 
monkey started up to escape, with the jug on his 
head. This terrible monster no sooner saluted the 
eyes of the sentry, than his frantic imagination con- 
verted pug into a fine blood-thirsty Spanish grenadier, 
with a most tremendous cap on his head. Full of 
this dreadful idea, he instantly fired his piece, roaring 
out that the enemy had scaled the walls. The guards 
took the alarm; the drums were beat; signal-guns 
fired ; and, in less than ten minutes, the governor 
and his whole garrison were under arms. The sup- 
posed grenadier, being very much incommoded by 
his cap, and almost blinded by the peas, was soon 
overtaken and seized ; and, by Ins capture, the trail-, 
quillity of the garrison was soon restored, without 
that slaughter and bloodshed which every man had 
prognosticated in the beginning of this direiui 
alarm. 

680. A very brave soldier had both his arms can led 
off in a battle ; his colonel offered him halt' a crown : 
16 Undoubtedly, colonel," replied the soldier, "you. 
think I have lost hut a pair of gloves/' 

681. Colonel C rose from the rank of a pri- 
vate man to that of Commander-in-chief, at St. Eu- 
statia. One morning upon a review of the garrison 



MILITARY. £31 

troops, he discovered a soldier, whose dress was ex- 
tremely soiled. The colonel, stepping up to him, 
demanded, in a haughty tone, " How dare you, ras- 
cal, appear so dirty ? your shirt is as black as ink ! 
Did you ever see me in such a plight when I was a 
private V — " No, may it please your honour, I never 
did/' replied the trembling culprit, " but then, to be 
sure, your honour $ mother was a washer-woman." 

682. General Guise going over one campaign to 
Flanders, observed a young raw officer who was in 
the same vessel with him, and with his usual huma- 
nity told him, that he would take care of him and 
conduct him to Antwerp, where they were both 
going ; which he accordingly did, and then took leave 
of him. The young fellow was soon told by some 
arch rogues, whom he happened to fall in with, that 
lie must signalize himself by fighting some man of 
known courage, or else he would soon be despised in 
the regiment. The young man said, he knew no one 
but Colonel Guise, and he had received great obliga- 
tions from him. It was all one for that, they said, 
in these cases ; the colonel was the fittest man in the 
world, as every body knew his bravery. Soon after- 
wards, up comes the young officer to Colonel Guise, 
as he was walking up and down the coiiee-room, and 
began in a hesitating manner to tell him how much 
obliged he had been to him, and how sensible he was 
of the obligations. " Sir," replied Colonel Guise, 
u I have done my duty to you and no more." — " But 
colonel," added the young officer faltering, " I am 
told that I must fight some gentleman of known cou- 
rage, and who has killed several persons, and that 

nobody n — " Oh, sir," interrupted the colonel, 

" your friends do me too much honour ; but there is 
a gentleman," pointing to a fierce-look ing black fel- 
low that was sitting at one of the tables, " who has 
killed hall the regiment." So up goes the officer to 
him, and tells him he is well informed of his bravery, 
x 2 



232 MILITARY, 

and that for that reason he must fight him. P* Who,< 
I sir V replied the gentleman, " Why, I am the apo- 
thecary." 

683. A poor cavalier corporal being condemned to 
die, wrote this letter to his wife the day before he 
expected to suffer, thinking it would come to hand 
.after his execution. 

" DEAR WIFE, 

" Hoping you are in good health, as I am at this 
present writing, this is to let you know, that yester- 
day, between the hours of eleven and twelve, I was 
hanged, drawn,, and quartered. 1 died very peni- 
tently, and every body thought my ease very hard* 
Bemember me kindly to my poor fatherless children. 
" Yours, till death, 

884. A captain in full regimentals, whose cha- 
racter for courage was not very eminent, began to 
jeer a miser on his immense wealth and his penury- 
4( What pleasure can riches give you, who never 
dare use them?" — "The same," replied the misery 
" which you feel in wearing those clothes and that 
long sword." 

685. One of the St George^s corps, on the night 
of the 4th of June, dreaming of the glorious ma- 
noeuvres of the da} r , was overheard by his wife to 
exclaim — u To the right about tuliee!:" — lie wheeled 
about, and tumbled out of bed. 

686. As one of the associations was performing 
their exercise, the commanding -officer (a sergeant of 
the guards) observing a gentleman, whose name was 
Barrow, not very alert at his motions, exclaimed, 
with a satirical grin, u Wheel-Barrow !" The whole 
cmp% instantly burst into a loud laugh, at which the 



MILITARY. 233 

Enraged private quitted the ranks, and made so fu- 
rious an attack with his foot on the nethermost part of 
Ins sergeant, that the latter resolved never again to 
let off any more puns till he could take surer aim. 

687. A minkin three feet and a half colonel, being 
one day at the drill, was examining a strapper of six 
feet four. " Come fellow hold up your head, — higher, 
fellow/ 7 "Yes, sir." "Higher, fellow — higher." 
" What so, sir?" said the man, raising his head much 
above the horizontal parallel. " Yes, fellow." " And 
am I always to remain so, sir?" " Yes, fellow, to be 
sure." '* Why then, good bye, colonel, for I shall 
never see you again." 

688. A gentleman asked a colonel of militia, " How 
Hie besiegers at Valenciennes managed to destroy the 
men working in the zigzags." The reply from the 
intelligent warrior was, " By having crooked artillery, 
to be sure." 

689. As a regiment of soldiers was marching 
through a country town, the captain (a strict dis- 
ciplinarian,) observed that one of the drums did not 
beat, and ordered a lieutenant to enquire the reason. 
The fellow, on being interrogated, whispered the 
Men tenant — I have two ducks and a turkey in my 
drum, and the turkey is for his honour: which 
being whispered to the captain — " Confound the fel- 
j j w," said he, " why did he not say he was lame ? 
1 do not want men to do their duty when they are 
not able." 

690. As some of the British officers were once con- 
versing with Dr. Sterns, an American astronomer, on 
the hardness of the times, whilst the war continued 
ai America, one of them thinking to smoke the doc- 
tor, said to him,—" Pray, sir, as you are a mathe- 
matician, can you tell me how long it will take to 

x3 



234 MILITARY* 

surmount insurmountable difficulties V*-—-" Yes, sir/* 
answered the doctor, " just as long as it will take 
you to get below the bottom of the bottomless pit." — • 
" Oh ho !" said the officer, " I find you are too deep 
for me/' 

691. A regiment of horse in King William's time, 
being quartered in Canterbury, and fhe archbishop 
being then there, he invited all the officers of the regi- 
ment to dinner. One of the cornets being obliged to 
keep guard that day, and lamenting his misfortune, 
that he could not have the honour to dine with the 
bishop, bethought himself of, this stratagem. He 
knew that one of his brother cornets was gone out of 
town, and would not return till evening ; he deter- 
mined therefore to wait for him at his lodgings, and 
frighten him by a false message from the bishop. Ac- 
cordingly when his comrade arrived, he addressed 
him thus. " Tom, I believe I shall surprise you." 
u Why/' said Tom, "what is the matter?"— " No 
great matter," replied his comrade, " only the bishop 
has sent for all t,he officers to hear them their cate- 
chism."— 44 The deuce he has," quoth Tom, " then I 
am ruined horse and foot ; for, as I am a sinner, I 
can't say three lines." — " Never be troubled about 
that/' said his comrade, " I can say mine every word, 
and if you will mount guard for me to-morrow, I will 
go in your place." — " With all my heart," said Tom, 
" and thank you to boot /' so the next day they all, 
except Tom, dined with the bishop. His lordship, 
being a very polite man, told the colonel, that he 
hoped all his officers were there ; for he intended it 
as a general invitation. The colonel told him they 
were all there, except one gentleman, who was 
obliged to mount guard. The bishop took no notice 
of it then, but the next day sent his servant to the 
absent gentleman, to desire his company by himself. 
Tom had no sooner received the message than he ran 
frightened out of his senses to his comrade to make 



MILITARY. 235 

his complaint. u Ah, my friend/' cried Tom, " it is 
all in vain, I must go at last, the bishop has sent for 
me.'' — " Never mind it," said his comrade, " you will 
do very well ; he did not ask us above one question 
or two/' Torn being thus prepared went to the 
bishop's, where he was introduced into a parlour. 
At length his lordship came in. " Sir," said the 
bishop, " I am sorry I could not have the pleasure 
of your company yesterday ; may I crave your name," 
" Thomas, my lord," replied the cornet. " What 
countryman V asked the bishop. ?' My godfathers 
and godmothers," replied the cornet. "I do not 
mean to catechise you," said the bishop, and thus 
the cheat was discovered. 

692. Dr. Beadon, rector of Eltham, one Sunday 
had given out his text " Who art thou ?" which he 
repeated emphatically, just as an officer walked up 
the middle aisle. The latter, supposing it a question 
addressed to himself, answered, to the astonishment 
both of the parson and his congregation, " I am, sir, 
an officer of the sixteenth regiment of foot, on a re- 
cruiting party, and should be happy to be introduced 
to the neighbouring clergy and gentry/' 

693. A puppy of air officer being tried for a very 
gross assault, the counsel against him began. — u Gen- 
tlemen of the jury, this soldier — " — "Soldier, sir?" 
interrupted the defendant, " I am an officer." — "I ask 
your pardon," said the barrister : " well then, gen- 
.tlemen, this officer ivlio is no soldier, assaulted the 
plaintiff, a feeble old woman. — " 

694. It was customary with Frederick the Great, 
^whenever a new soldier appeared in his guards, to 
ask him three questions ; viz. " How old are you?" 
*" How long have you been in my service V — " Are you 
satisfied with your pay and treatment?" It happened 
that a young soldier, born in France, who had served 



£36 MILITARY. 

in his own country, desired to enlist in the Prussian 
service, his figure caused him to be immediately ac- 
cepted, but he was totally ignorant of the German dia- 
lect ; and, the captain giving him notice that the king 
would question him in that tongue the first time he saw 
him, cautioned him at the same time to learn by heart 
the three answers that he was to make. He accord- 
ingly learned them by the next day; and as soon as he 
appeared in the ranks, Frederick came up to interro- 
gate him ; but he happened to begin upon him by the 
second question, and asked him, "How long have 
you been in my service V 7 " Twenty-one years !" an- 
swered the soldier. The king, struck with his youth, 
which plainly indicated that he had not borne a mus- 
ket so long as that, said to him, much astonished, 
" How old are you V — " One year, an't please your ma- 
jesty." Frederick, more astonished still, cried, "You 
or I must certainly be bereft of our senses/' The 
soldier, who took this for the third question, replied 
firmly, u Both, an't please your majesty/' — " This is 
the first time I was ever treated as a madman at the 
head of my army/' replied Frederic. The soldier, 
who had exhausted his stock of German, kept silence, 
and when the king questioned him again, to pene- 
trate into the mystery, the soldier told him in French, 
that he did not understand a word of German, at 
which the king laughed heartily, advised him to learn 
that language, and exhorted him to perform well his 
duty. 

695. A soldier who had been clapped in Newgate 
for a robbery and manslaughter, seeing one of his 
comrades in the street going by, called to him through 
the gates of the prison, asking him what news? 
" Why," answered the other, " there's a rebellion 
broke out in Scotland." — u God preserve us !" cried 
the fettered soldier, " should those rascals get the 
upper hand, farewell the liberty of Old England." — 
* Aye," replied the other, swearing a tremendous 



MILITARY. Q3f 

6ath, " and what will become of the protestant reli« 
ligion." 

696. When Cromwell made his public entry into 
London, his companions remarked to him the great 
concourse of people who came from all parts to see 
him. " There would be just as many," said he, " if 
I was going to the scaffold." 

697. An infantile officer striking an old grenadier 
for a supposed fault in his evolutions, the latter* 
gravely taking off his cap, and holding it by the top, 
over the head of the juvenile martinet, said, " If you 
were not my officer I would extinguish you." 

698. A gentleman was saying one day at the Tilt 
Yard Coffee-house, when it rained exceeding hard, 
that it put him in mind of the general deluge. — . 
*' Zoons, sir," said an old campaigner, who stood by, 

" Who's that ? I have heard of all the generals in Eu- 
rope but him." 

699. At the battle of Malplaquit, a ludicrous cir- 
cumstance happened : a young Swiss recruit, when 
his regimentals were making, had procured a round 
iron plate, bordered with small holes, which he desir- 
ed the tailor to fasten on the inside of his coat, above 
his left breast, to prevent his being shot through the 
heart. The tailor, being a humourous fellow, fastened 
it in the seat of his breeches ; and the clothes being 
scarcely on his back when he was Ordered to march 
into the field, he had no opportunity to get this auk-^ 
ward mistake rectified, before he found himself en* 
gaged in battle ; and, being obliged to fly before the 
British, in endeavouring to get over a thorn hedge 
in his way, he unfortunately stuck fast till he was 
overtaken by a foe, who, on his coming up, gave him 
a push in his. breech with his bayonet (with no 
friendly design); but it luckily hit on the iron plate* 



£38 NAVAL, 

and pushed (he young soldier clear out of the hedge ; 
this favourable circumstance made the Swiss honestly 
confess that the tailor had more sense than himself, 
and knew better where his heart lay, 

700. A facetious abbe, having engaged a box at 
the opera-house, at Paris, was turned out of his pos- 
session by a maresehal, as remarkable for his ungen- 
tlemanlike behaviour, as for his cowardice and mean- 
ness. The abbe, for this unjustifiable breach of good 
manners, brought his action in a court of honour, 
and solicited permission to be his own advocate, 
which was granted. When the day of trial arrived, 
he pleaded to the following effect : " Tis not of 
Monsieur Suffrein, who acted so nobly in the East 
Indies — it is not of the Duke de Crebillon, who took 
Minorca — it is not of the Comte de Grasse, who so 
bravely fought Lord Rodney, that I complain ; but 

it is of Maresehal , who took my box at the 

opera-house, and never took any thing else/' This 
most poignant stroke of satire so sensibly convinced 
the court, that he had already inflicted punishment 
sufficient, that they refused to grant him a verdict. 
A fine compliment to the abbe's wit. 



CHAP. VIII. 



NAVAL. 

Earl Howe. 

701. When the late Earl Howe, who was very re- 
markable for his presence of mind, was captain of 
the Magnanime, during a cruise on the coast of 



NAVAL. 23Q 

France, a heavy gale of wind obliged him to anchor. 
It was on a lee-shore, and the night was extremely 
dark and tempestuous. After every thing had been 
made snug, the ship rode with her two anchors a- 
heap, depending entirely on her ground tackle. 
Captain Howe, was at this time laid up with the 
gout, and was reading in his cabin, when, on a sud- 
den, the lieutenant of the watch came in, with a 
countenance full of woe, and said, he was sorry to 
inform him that the anchors came home. " They are 
much in the right of it/' replied Captain Howe, with 
the greatest coolness, "who the devil would stay 
out in such a night as this/' 

702. When Lord Howe commanded on the Ame- 
rican station, it was a regulation in the fleet for the 
marine officers to keep watch with the lieutenants of 
the navy. His lordship once remarking, at his table, 
r that pursers, surgeons, and even chaplains, might 
occasionally be employed on that duty;" a son of 
the church, who was present, opposed the doctrine. 
* What !" cried his lordship, u cannot ye watch as 
well as yrayJ 7 

Lord St. Vincent. 

703. A certain officer of an envious disposition, 
said to Lord St. Vincent, when he had just gained 
thd celebrated victory off Cape St. Vincent, " What 
can those who envy your glory say now !" — l ' I do not 
know," answered the brave admiral, " What do you 
say :" 

Lord Anson. 

704. While Commodore Anson's ship, the Centu- 
rion, was engaged in close fight with the rich Spanish 
galleon, which he afterwards took, a sailor came 
running to him, and cried out, ' v Sir, our ship is on 
lire very near the powder magazine/' — " Then pray, 
friend/* said the commodore, not in the least da- 



240 NAVAL. 

gree discomposed, " run back and assist in patting 
it out." 

Lord Hawke. 

705. The late Lord Hawke, when a young man, 
was pressed very much by a tailor to discharge a debt 
which he was at that time unable to pay. " Yon 
know," said Mr. Buckram, ci my bill is very long, 
and frightful to think of.'! — u I tell you,* replied the 
blunt tar, "don't threaten me with your Mil, my 
talons will prove a match for your Mil at any hour !" 

Lord Nelson. 

706. Lord Nelson when a little boy, was on a visit 
to an aunt, and went in search of birds' nests. He 
wandered so far, that he did not return till some time 
after it was dark. The old lady, who had been much, 
alarmed by his absence, reprimanded him severely, 
and asked him how fear came not to drive him home. 
" I don't know/' said the boy, with great simplicity, 
" who fear is." 

707. An officer in Admiral Lord St. Vincent's fleet, 
asking the heroic Nelson, who was gallantly bearing 
down upon the Spanish fleet, whether he had reckon- 
ed the number of the enemy ? u No," replied the ad- 
miral, " it will be time enough to do that, when we 
have made them strike." 

708. The master cf the Wrestler's Inn, at Yar- 
mouth, having solicited Lord Nelson to permit him 
to put up his arms, and change the name of the inn 
to The Nelson Hotel, his lordship returned lor an- 
swer, that he was perfectly welcome to his name ; 
but he must be sensible that he had no arms to spare. 

709. Lord Nelson was as decided and animated in 
his ■ fctercourse with his friends as with the enemies 
of his country. Captain Berry, to whom he jfaicl. in 



NAVAL. 241 

his official dispatch from Aboukir, so finished a com- 
pliment, bad served with him in the unfortunate affair 
of Teneriffe : and, on their return to England, ac- 
companied him to St. James's. The king, with his 
accustomed suavity, lamented the gallant admiral's 
wounds : " You have lost your right arm," observed 
his majesty. " But not my right hand/' replied his 
lordship, " as I have the honour of presenting Cap- 
tain Berry to your majesty." 

Admiral Blake. 

710. The following laconic letter was written by 
Admiral Blake to the Admiralty : — u Piease your 
honours and glory, yesterday met with the French 
fleet, beat, killed, took, sunk, and burned, as per 
margin." Your's, &c. 

Admiral Keppel. 

711. While Admiral Keppel commanded the squa- 
dron np the Mediterranean, frequent complaints were 
made to the ministry by the merchants trading to the 
Levant, &c. of the piracies of the Algerines. These 
complaints were passed over, till two ships richly 
laden were taken and carried into Algiers. This was 
so flagrant an infraction of treaties, that the ministry 
could no longer be silent. Orders were accordingly 
sent to the admiral, to sail into the harbour of Air 
giers, and demand restitution of the Bey ; and in 
case of a refusal, he had an unlimited power to make 
reprisals. The admiral's squadron cast anchor in the 
offing, in the bay of Algiers, facing the Dey's palace. 
He went ashore, attended only by his captain and 
barge's crew, proceeding to the palace, where he de- 
manded an immediate audience: and being conduct- 
ed into the Dey's presence, he laid open his embassy, 
and, in his master's name, desired satisfaction for the 
injuries done to the subjects of his Britannic Majesty, 
Surprised and enraged at the boldness of the admi- 
ral's remonstrance^ the Dey exclaimed, " That h« 



•242 NAVAL. 

wondered at the English king's insolence, in sending 1 
him a foolish, beardless boy/' The admiral replied, 
4k That if his master had supposed that wisdom had 
been measured by the length of the beard, he would 
have sent his Deyship a he- goat. " Unused to such 
language from the sycophants of his own court, this 
reply put him beside himself, and, forgetting the laws 
of all nations in respect to ambassadors, he ordered 
his mutes to attend with the bow-string, at the same 
time telling the admiral he should pay for his audacity 
with his life. Unmoved with this menace, the admi- 
ral took him to a window facing the bay, and shewing 
him the English fleet riding at anchor, told him, that 
if it was his pleasure to put him to death, there were 
Englishmen enough in that fleet to make him a glo- 
rious funeral pile. The Dey was wise enough to 
take the hint : the admiral came off in safety, and 
ample restitution was made. 

Admiral Pakenham. 

712. Once when Admiral Pakenham, one of our 
renowned naval officers, landed at Portsmouth, a 
friend asked him how he left the crew of his ship. 
" O," said he, " 1 have left them all, to a man, the 
merriest fellows in the world." — " How so V asked his 
friend. "Why/ 7 replied the admiral, "I, flogged 
seventeen of them, and they are happy it is over ; and 
all the rest are happy, because they have escaped/' 

Admiral Cornwallis. 

713. Soon after Captain (now Admiral) Cornwallis 
succeeded to the command of the Canada, on the 
resignation of Sir George Collyer, and was at sea^ a 
mutiny broke out in the ship, on account of some ac- 
cidental delay in the clerk's paying some of the ship's 
company ; in consequence of which, they signed what 
they termed a round robin, wherein they declared, to 
a man, that they would not fire a gun till th;y were 
paid. Captain Cornwallis, on the receipt of this, had 



NAVAL* 243 

all hands called upon deck, and thus laconically ha- 
rangued them : — " My lads, the money cannot be 
paid till we return to port ; and as to your not fight- 
ing, I'll clap you alongside of the first large ship of 
the enemy I see, when the d — 1 himself cannot keep 
you from it.' 7 1'he jacks were so tickled with this 
tar-like compliment, that they one and all returned 
to their duty, better satisfied, perhaps, than if they 
had been paid the money they demanded ten times 
over. 

Sir Sidney Smith. 

714. An officer maintained in the presence of Sir 
Sidney Smith, that he could not assault a particular 
post, because it was unattackable. " Sir," said the 
gallant chief. " that word is not English." 

715. Sir Sidney Smith wrote thus to a man, who 
solicited his interest to obtain an important situation, 
which a moment's reflection might have convinced 
him that gentleman had no power to procure. " Sir, 
I am sorry I cannot oblige you ; these appointments 
do not rest with me. The office of prime minister is 
filled to the public satisfaction, as well as the one you 
solicit ; and the see of Canterbury is also disposed 
of. I fear nothing attainable in this country will suit 
your ideas of power ; let me recommend you to go to 
Egypt, I have interest to get you made a Bey." 

Count de Grasse. 

716. The Count de Grasse being wounded in the 
knee with a musket-ball, the surgeons made many 
incisions. Losing patience at last, he asked them 
why they cut and carved him so cruelly. " We seek 
for the baU," said they. " Why did you not speak 
before ?" said the count ; " I have it in my pocket." 

Earl Cloncartie. 

717. When the Earl of Cloncartie was captain of a 

Y 2 



&44 NAVAL', 

man of war, and was cruising on the coast of Guinea,. 
lie happened to lose his chaplain, who was carried oif 
by a fever, of which the lieutenant, a Scotchman, 
gave his captain notice, saying at the same time, that 
he was sorry to inform him that he died a Roman Ca- 
tholic. — " Weft, so much the better/' said his lord- 
ship. " Oot awa, my lord, how can you say so of a 
British clergyman/' — " Why," said his lordship, " be- 
cause I believe I am the first captain of a man of war 
that could boast of having a chaplain who had any 
religion at all." 

Captain Harvey. 

718. The Duke of Clarence jocularly observing to 
Captain Harvey, of the navy, that he heard he read 
the Bible, wished to know what he learnt from it. — 
The captain replied, one part of the scripture he well 
remembered, which was — " Not to put his trust in 
princes.'* 

Lieutenant OBrien. 

719. When Lieutenant O'Brien, called sky-rocket 
Jack, was blown up at Spithead, in the Edgar, he was 
saved on the carriage of a gun ; and when brought 
to the admiral, all black and wet> he said, " I hope, 
sir, you will excuse my appearance in this dishabille, 
as I came away in such a hurry, that I had not time 
to shift myself." 

Anonymous and Miscellaneous. 
*720. A sailor coming across Blackheath one even- 
ing, was stopped by a footpad, who demanded his 
money ; when a scufflle ensued, in which the tar took 
the robber* and bore away with his prize to a justice 
of the peace at Woolwich. When the magistrate 
came to examine into the assault, he told the sailor 
that he must take his oath that the robber had put 
him in bodily fear, otherwise he could not commit 
him. The sailor looking stedfastly at the justice, an- 



NAVAL. 245 

swered, " He ! he put me in bodily fear ! No, nor 
any he that ever lived ; therefore, if that is the case, 
3011 may let him go, for FJ1 not swear to any such lie.- 7 

721. As a press-gang were once patroling about 
■ Smithfield, they laid hold on a man tolerably well 
dressed, who pleaded that, being a gentleman, he was 
not liable to be pressed. " Haul him away/ 7 says 
one of the tars, u he is the very man we want ; we 
have pressed a great number of blackguards, and are 
at a loss for a gentleman to teach them good man- 



7*22. " As you do not belong to my parish/' said a 
-gentleman to a begging sailor with a wooden leg, " I 
cannot relieve you." — " Sir/' replied the other, with 
an air of heroism, " I lost my leg fighting for all 
parishes." 

723. On the eve of the battle of Trafalgar, a lieu- 
tenant of the Revenge was surprised to see one of 
the seamen devoutly kneeling by the side of his gun, 
and asked him, " What ! are you afraid V — " Afraid !" 
disdainfully answered the tar " no ! I was only pray- 
ing that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the 
same proportion as our prize-money, the greatest part 
among the officers." 

724. An officer who had by almost desperate acts 
acquired both fame and fortune, had an enterprise 
proposed to him by the commander which was ex- 
tremely dangerous, but if accomplished would pro- 
duce great emolument. " Sir," said the officer, " I 
world advise you rather to employ one who has to 
make his fortune ; for my part, I am contented with 
mine." 

725. A sailor being about to set out for India, a 
citizen asked him ; 6i Where his father died V — w In 

y 3 



246 NAVAL. 

shipwreck," was 1he answer. " And where did your 
grandfather die ?" — " As he was fishing, a storm arose, 
and the bark foundering, ail on board perished."— 
" And your great-grandfather!"—" He also perished 
on board a ship which struck on a rock." — 4k Then," 
said the citizen, " if I were you, I would never go to 
sea." — " And pray, Mr. Philosopher/' inquired the 
seaman, " where did your father die ?" — " In his bed." 
— " And your grandfather ?" — " In his bed." — " And 
your great-grandfather?" — " He, and all my ancestors 
ilied quietly in their beds." — " Then, if I were you, 
I would never go to bed." 

726. During the battle of the Nile, a lieutenant of 
Lord Nelson's ship had his right arm shot off. The 
illustrious commander, after the engagement visited 
him in his cabin, and expressed his concern at the 
misfortune. The lieutenant answered, " Admiral, 
you lead the fashion here, and he must be destitute 
of taste who is not on this day proud to imitate you 
in any thing." 

727. A very tall gentleman was appointed to a 
small ship, where his cabin was every way incon- 
venient. After applying in vain to his friends to get 
him promoted, he at last wrote up to the Admiralty 
Board, humourously setting forth his grievance, who 
remitted an order for his immediate removal to a 
-larger ship, reciting the words of the petition, to the 
following effect : — " Whereas A. B. of his Majesty's 
ship — , has informed us, that having the mis- 
fortune to be six feet three inches high, and his cabin 
being neither in height nor length above four feet six 
inches, he can neither lie, sit, stand, nor even kneel 
at his devotions ; this is therefore to certify, that we 

appoint him to the ? a ship commodious for the 

above purposes." 

72& A certain sea captain, who had considerable 



NAVAL. 247 

interest with his brother officers, and the cook aboard 
his vessel, were once to be tried for an offence against 
the laws of the navy, of such a nature as put their 
lives in some jeopardy. The cook displayed every 
mark of fear and apprehension for his safety. The 
captain, on the contrary, seemed in very good spirits, 
and said, " Cheer up, man, why should you be cast 
down ! I fear nothing, and why should you ?" — 
'* Why faith, your honour/' replied the fellow, "I 
should be as courageous as you are, if we were to be 
tried by a jury of cooks/' 

729. A brave tar, with a wooden leg, who was on 
board Admiral Duncan's fleet in the late engagement 
with the Dutch, having the misfortune to have the 
other shot off, as his comrades were conveying him to 
the surgeon, notwithstanding the poignancy of his 
agonies, could not suppress his joke, saying, " It 
was high time for him to leave off play, when his last 
pin was bowled down." 

730. Some convicts in a storm calling out on the 
Supreme Being to aid them — " Be silent," said an 
officer, " do not remind Providence that you are on 
board, for th.n we shall all perish." 

731. The following singular trait of a sailor may 
be relied on as a fact : — Mr. Lawson, master painter 
of the dock-yard at New York, was a man whose face 
was very much disfigured with the small-pox, and 
going through the dock gates one day, he was ac- 
costed in a tremendous loud, hoarse voice by a sailor, 
whose face was very roughly hewn, in the following 
singular maimer : — " Sir, I have got your knife," 
pulling out a large clasp knife, about two feet long, 
and striving to thrust it into Mr. Lawson's hand. " My 
knife," exclaimed Mr. Lawson, " you can have i*q 
knife of mine, for I neither lost one, nor did I e^er 
carry such a knife/- The sailor still kept roaring out, 



£48 NAVAL. 

" Sir, the knife is yours, and you must take it." 
Upon this Mr. Lawson began to suspect that there 
was something more than ordinary in the fellow's be- 
haviour, and asked him what he meant by such con- 
duct. " Why, sir," said the sailor, " I belong to 
the IJgly Club in London, and the members are pre- 
sented each with a knife, which they are bound, by 
the laws of the club, to present to any person they 
meet uglier than themselves; and now, sir, as I con- 
sider you several degrees uglier than myself, shiver 
my timbers but you must take it ;" and, thrusting 
the knife into Mr. Lawson's pocket, he ran away. 

732. The introduction of a certain naval officer to 
the Prince of Wales, and their present intimacy, ori- 
ginated in the following whimsical circumstance :— - 
His royal highness was disputing with a gentleman 
on the subject of naval tactics, and finally agreed to 
refer the decision to the son of Neptune, who was in 
an adjoining room. A note was dispatched by the 
gentlemen, requesting the officer's opinion, and con- 
cluding with this inaccuracy of spelling — "You must 
be a very competent judge, having been hread to the 
sea/' This was the neat and sarcastical reply — " I 
never was bread to the sea, but the sea was bread to 
me, and very bad bread it was." 

733. A sea officer, for his courage in a former en- 
gagement where he had lost his leg, had been pre- 
ferred to the command of a good ship ; in the heat 
of the next engagement a cannon ball took off his 
wooden deputy, so that he fell upon the deck ; a sea- 
man thinking he had been fresh wounded, called out 
for the surgeon ; "No, no/' said the captain, "the 
carpenter will do." 

734. A master of a ship walking about on deck, 
calling into the hold, " Who is there 1" A boy an- 
swered, " Will, sir. v — " W r hat are you doing T— 



NAVAL; 249 

* Nothing, sir."— "Is Tom there?"— " Yes," says 
Tom. " What are you doing, Tom ?" — " Helping 
Will, sir." 

735. Several gentlemen, of ingenious invention, ot 
extraordinary credulity, having amused a company 
by a successive detail of wondrous events, a ship- 
master observed, " Gentlemen, these narratives which 
you have given are doubtless strange and unaccount- 
able, but I can tell you a circumstance which occurred 
to myself, not less true, and still more incredible. 
L»ast year, coming home from the West Indies, and 
being on the banks of Newfoundland, my people 
hooked an immense shark. The monster made such 
resistance as they were hauling him up, that I was 
afraid he might break the rope and escape. I ran 
down to the cabin and fetched my pistols, which, for 
security's sake, I always keep loaded. As they had 
got his head to the surface of the water, I levelled a 
pistol to fire at him ; but, just as I was going to pull 
the trigger, in a too eager anxiety the pistol dropped 
from my hand, and, about the same moment, the 
shark, making a violent effort, broke the line and 
escaped. Well, gentlemen, being nearly on the same 
spot on my last homeward voyage, the crew again 
hooked a shark, which, after much exertion, they 
were fortunate enough to get on board, and as, after 
cutting off the tail, (which you know, gentlemen, is 
the most powerful part of this fish) they were ripping 
up the belly, I was surprised to hear what appeared 
like the report of a pistol ; but, judge my astonish- 
ment, when I found that this was the identical shark 
hooked on my former voyage ; that my pistol had 
fallen into its mouth, and, from its voracity, been 
swallowed into its stomach, that it had there re- 
mained dormant, till the operation of cutting it up 
had, probably by contactioii of the chopper and the 
flint, made the piece go off!" 



£50 NAVAL. 

736. A surgeon aboard a ship of war used to pre- 
scribe salt-water for his patients in all disorders. Hav- 
ing sailed one evening on a party of pleasure, he hap- 
pened, by some mischance, to be drowned. The cap- 
tain, who had not heard of the disaster, asked one of 
the tars, next day, if he had heard any thing of the 
doctor? " Yes/' answered Jack, after a turn of his 
quid, " he was drowned, last night, in his medicine 
chest" 

737. An honest tar being at a qmtker's meeting, 
heard the friend that was holding forth speak with 
great vehemence against the ill consequence of giving 
the lie in conversation ; and therefore advisied that, 
when any man told a tale not consistent with truth 
or probability, the hearer should only cry " Twang V 
which could not irritate people to passion like the lie. 
Afterwards he digressed into the story of the miracle 
of five thousand being fed with five loaves of bread, 
&c. he then told them that they were not such loaves 
as those used now-a-days, but were as big as moun- 
tains ; at which the tar uttered, with a loud voice— 
u Twang/ 7 — " What," says the quaker, " dost thou 
think I lie, friend/' — " No," says Jack, " but I am 
thinking how big the ovens were that baked them." 

738. When Lord Anson once attacked a French 
squadron in the Bay of Biscay, and LTnvhicible 
struck, Monsieur de la Jonquien, who was the com- 
mander, was brought aboard the admiral's ship, where 
seeing La Glorieux, another of his squadron, engaged 
with an English vessel of superior force, he bowed, 
surrendered his sword, and said, " My lord, you have 
conquered the Invincible, and Glory must follow.*' 

739. A sailor meeting with an old messmate, whom 
the world had frowned a little upon, asked him where 
lie lived ? u Where I live" said he, " 1 don't know ; 
but I starve towards Wapping, and that way/' 



NAVAL. 251 

740. A captain of a man of war had got a circle 
round him in one of the rooms at Bath, and was en- 
tertaining them with the relation of some marvellous 
phenomenon which he* had seen at lea. Looking 
round, he observed Nash laughing, on which he be- 
came angry, and asked, whether Nash did not be- 
lieve what he said ? " Why, sir/' said Nash, " did 
you see it?" — " Yes I did/' answered the captain. 
" Well, if you saw it/' says Nash, ** I will believe 
it : but I would not if I had seen it myself." This 
gentleman, however, soon after returned the compli- 
ment ; for Nash was one of those who shot with a 
long bow, or, in other words, paid but little regard 
to truth in his sallies of wit and humour ; and having 
told a most confounded large story, the captain gave 
a hem ; upon which Nash made up to him, " And so, 
captain/' says he, u you won't believe this ?" — " Why 
yes," said the captain, M I will, Nash, to oblige you ; 
but I'll be hung if I believe such another confounded 
lie to oblige any man living/' 

741. A sailor robbed of his money in a house of ill 
fame, swore he would have revenge from the first 
person he should meet ; and accordingly stopped a 
gentleman next morning, and made him deliver his 
purse. Being committed for the robbery, he wrote 
the following epistle to King Charles II. 

" King Charles, 

" One of thy subjects robbed me of forty 
pounds, for which I robbed another of a like sum, 
and he has inhumanly sent me to Newgate, swearing 
I shall be hanged. Save my life, your majesty, or 
you'll lose one of the best seamen in your navy. 
" Thine, 

"Jack Skifton/ 
The Answer, 
" Jack Skifton, 

" For this time I will save thee from the 



252 NAVAL. 

gallows ; but I assure thee, if hereafter thou art guilty 
of the like, I'll have thee hanged. 

" Charles R," 

742. Two sailors were taken before a magistrate 
by a very active village constable, for lifting an ass 
over the wall of a pound, where it was confined. On 
being asked the reason for their conduct, the tars, with 
true humanity and character, made the following re- 
ply: — " V\ hy lookee, master, we saw this here animal 
aground, without victuals, d'ye see, sir, and so my 
messmate and I agreed to cut his cable and give him 
his liberty, because we have known, before now, what 
it is to be at short allowance !" 

743. In the great Dutch war, in the reign of 
Charles 11. the English fleet and that of Holland 
fought in the channel for three lays successively, en- 
gaged in the day, and lying-to <A night • but, just as 
they were preparing to renew the action, advice came 
off that an armistice was concluded upon, and the 
hostile parties began to exchange mutual civilities. 
On board a Dutch man of war, which lay alongside 
an English first-rate, was a sailor, so remarkably ac- 
tive, as to run to the mast-head, and stand upright 
upon the truck, after which he would cut several ca- 
pers, and conclude with standing upon his head, to 
the great astonishment and terror of the spectators. 
On coming down from this exploit, all his country- 
men expressed their joy by huzzaing, and thereby 
signifying their triumph over the English. One of 
our bold tars, piqued for the honour of his country, 
ran up to the top like a cat, and essayed, with all his 
might, to throw up his heels like the Dutchman, but, 
not having the skill, he missed his poise, and came 
down rather faster than he went up. The rigging, 
however, broke his fall, and he lighted on his feet 
unhurt. As soon as he had recovered his speech, he 



NAVAL. Q.53 

ran to the side, and exultingly cried out to the Dutch- 
man, " There, you lubber, do that if that you can." 

744. The captain of an English vessel once sailed 
from Cadiz with a number of passengers aboard, and, 
amongst the rest, a Frenchman, who evinced the 
greatest fear lest the ship should be taken by one of 
the Sallee rovers, who infested those seas at the time. 
" Don't be in the least alarmed," cried the British 
tar, " for before I'd let my ship fall into the hands of 
these barbarians, I'd blow her up in the air." 

745. A naval officer entering the room of some 
friends with a gloomy face, after haviug dined with 

Admiral Lord , not famous for his hospitality, 

was rallied on his appearance, and asked if he had 
not dined to his satisfaction. & No/' replied the dis- 
appointed guest, growlingly, " the admiral may be a 
very good sea-lord, but he is a very bad land-lord" 

746. An arch boy, belonging to one of the ships of 
war at Portsmouth, had purchased of his playfellows 
a magpie, which he earned to his father's house, and 
was at the door feeding of it, when a gentleman in 
the neighbourhood, who had an impediment in his 
speech, coming up, " T — T — T — Tom," says the gen- 
tleman, " can your magpie t — t — talk yet ?" — " Aye, 
sir," says the boy, " better than you, or I'd wring his 
head off." 

747. A clergyman preaching some time ago m the 
neighbourhood of Wapping, observing that most of 
his audience were in the sea-faring way, very pro- 
perly embellished his discourse with several nautical 
tropes and figures. Amongst other things, he ad- 
vised them to be ever " on the watch, so that on 
whatever tack the devil should bear down upon them, 
be might be crippled in the action." — " Ay, master," 
cried a jolly son of Neptune, " but, let me tell you, that 
will depend on your having the weather-guzg* of him/? 

z 



254 NAVAL. 

748. On a trial at the Admiralty Sessions, for shoot- 
ing a seaman, the counsel for the crown asking one 
of the Witnesses which he was for, plaintiff or defend- 
ant — " Plaintiff or defendant!" says the sailor, 
scratching his head, " why, I don't know what you 
mean by plaintiff or defendant. I come to speak for 
that there ?" pointing to the prisoner. " You are a 
pretty fellow for a witness," says the counsel, " not 
to know what plaintiff or defendant means/' Some 
time after, being asked by the same counsel what 
part of the ship he was in at the time? " Abaft the 
binnacle, my lord/' says the sailor. ■" Abaft the bin- 
nacle," replied the barrister ; " what part of the ship 
is that?"— "Ha! ha! ha!" chuckled the sailor, "are 
not you a pretty fellow for a counsellor, (pointing to 
him archly with his finger) not to know what abaft the 
binnacle is." 

749. When Sir Elijah Impey, the India judge, was 
on his passage home, as he was one day walking the 
deck, it having blown pretty hard the preceding day, 
a shark was playing by the side of the ship. Having 
never seen such an object before, he called to one of 
the sailors to tell him what it was. " Why," replied 
the tar, " I don't know r what name they know them 
by ashore, but here we call them sea-lawyers" 

750. The following curious dialogue took place in 
the court of King's Bench, some years ago, between 
Mr. Garrow and the captain of a ship in the African 
trade, in an action on a policy of Insurance. 

Q. There was pumping enough on board your ship, 
before her arrival on the coast? — A. Yes, there was 
pumping enough to keep the scurvy out of the sailor's 
joints ; if you had been at the pump you would have 
found it a little harder work than that to which you 
are accustomed. 

Q. You do not seem aware how much I am used 
to pumping; I am engaged in it at this moment, and 



NAVAL. 255 

I find the labour sufficiently hard ? — A. I do not know 
bow laborious you may find it ; but this I know, if 
you were on board my ship I would keep you to it. 

Q. As your observations are so important, I wish 
you would speak somewhat louder, that we may all 
enjoy the benefit of them.— A. If I were to speak as 
I do to my people in a gale of wind, the learned stu- 
dents around you might be a little alarmed. 



Lord Howe. 

751. When Lord Howe was captain of the Mag- 
nanime, a negro sailor on board was ordered to be 
flogged; every thing being prepared, and the ship* 
company assembled to see the punishment inflicted, 
Captain Howe made a long address to the culprit, on 
the enormity of his offence. Poor Mungo, tired of 
the harangue, and of having his back exposed to the 
cokl, exclaimed — " Massa ! if you floggee, floggee ; 
or if preachee, preachee ; but no preachee and floggee 
too" 

Sir George Rooke. 

752. Sir George Rooke, before he was made admi- 
ral, had served as a captain of marines, upon their 
first establishment, and being quartered on the coast 
of Essex, where the ague made great havoc among 
his men, the minister of the next village was so ha- 
rassed by the duty, that he refused to bury any more 
of them without being paid extraordinary fees. The 
captain made no words, but, the next that died, he 
ordered to be carried to the minister's house, and laid 
upon the table in his kitchen. This greatly embar- 
rassed the parson, who immediately sent the captain 
word, tjjat if he would cause the dead man to be 
taken away, he would never more dispute it with him, 
but would readily bury him and his whole company 
for nothing, 



£56 NAVAL. 

Sir Charles Wager. 

753. Sir Charles Wager had a sovereign contempt 
for physicians, though he believed a surgeon, in some 
cases, might be of service. It happened that Sir 
Charles was seized with a fever while he was out 
upon a cruise ; and the surgeon, without much diffi- 
culty, prevailed upon him to lose a little blood, and 
suffer a blister to be laid on his back. By and bye it 
was thought necessary to lay on another blister, and 
repeat the bleeding, to which Sir Charles also con- 
sented : the symptoms then abated, and the surgeon 
told him, that he must now swallow a few bolusses, 
and take a draught. " No, doctor/' said Sir Charles, 
" you shall batter my hulk as long as you will, but 
you shan't board me/' 

Anonymous and Miscellaneous. 

754. A stranger passing St. Paul's church, asked a 
iar whom he met, What those figures were at the west 
front; to which the sailor answered, "The twelve 
apostles. " — " How can that be/' replied the other, 
" when there are but six of them V 9 — u Why, you 
lubber/' says the tar, " would you have them all 
on deck at once V* 

755. A sailor and two of his shipmates once wanted 
to go from Portsmouth to Petersfield ; when one stay- 
ing behind, desired the other to proceed on foot, 
while he went and hired a horse. When he came to 
the livery-stables, the ostler brought him out a short- 
backed light galloway, about fourteen hands high — 
" Zounds/' says Jack, "this will not do for me; he 
is too short in the back/ 7 — " Oh, sir/' replies the 
ostler, " he is the better for that." — " He will not do, 
I tell you/' returned the other; "get me a horse 
with a longer back, for I have two more to take up at 
the turnpike/' 

756. A short time ago a sailor went to a church, a 



NAVAL. 257 

tittle distance from town, to be married. The clergy- 
man, during the ceremony, requested the bridegroom 
to kneel; which he positively refused, saying, he 
never did, and never would, worship a woman. Upon 
this the minister left the church : but the sailor called 
to him, saying, he would kneel on one knee, which 
occasioned some curious altercation ; but on his 
kneeling on one knee, and bending the other a little, 
the ceremony was performed, to the no small enter- 
tainment of all present. 

757. A jack tar, just returned from sea, met one 
of his old female messmates. He was so overjoyed, 
that he determined to commit matrimony ; but at the 
altar the parson demurred, as there was not cash 
enough between them to pay the fees: on which 
Jack, thrusting a few shillings into the sleeve of his 
cassock, exclaimed, " Never mind, brother, marry 
us as far as it will go." 

758. As Mis. Porter was performing that part pf 
the character of Lady Nottingham, in the tragedy of 
the Earl of Essex, where she excuses herself from 
having any concern in procuring the earl's execution, 
a sailor in the gallery cried out, " You lie ; you know 
you have the ring in your pocket," 

759. Two sailors discussing some scriptural ques- 
tions on deck, one of them quoted the apostle Paul. 
" He was no apostle," said the other. After some 
altercation, they agreed to refer this point to the boat- 
swain. The case being stated to that officer, he turn- 
ed his quid twice or thrice in his cheek, and then 
gave this sage determination — " Paul, do you see, 
was not properly an apostle, never having been rated, 
but he appears to have been an acting apostle" 

760. Two sailors visiting Westminster Abbey, ex- 
amined, among others, Shakespeare's monument, 
" The cloud capt towers !" exclaimed one, " I know 

z 3 



258 NAVAL. 

no Captain Towers, nor have we an f ship called the 
Cloud/' His comrade said, it must be some ship 
lately taken from Bonaparte, and called after the 
name of his palace. 

761. A sailor being in company, where the shape 
of the earth was disputed, said, "Why look ye, gen- 
tlemen, thev pret nd to say the earth is round : now 
I have been all round it, and I assure you, it is as flat 
as a pancalie,'' 

762. Two sailors were one day disputing, on board 
his majesty's ship Abundance, off Woolwich, respect- 
ing the wisdom of King Solomon ; and, after having 
made some very original and singular remarks on this 
mighty monarch, one of them closed his argument as 
follows : — " Why, Jack, you may talk till the tongue 
drops out of your wooden head; but I'll tell you what 
perhaps neither you nor King Solomon ever knew; 
that is, that, shiver my timbers, but the times are so 
altered, that, if he was now alive, he would not know 
a jib-boom from a poop-lanthorn." 

763. An old veteran, upon reading the failure of 
the attack at Boulonge, signed " Nelson and Bronte/' 
thus addressed his messmate: — "J say, Ben, do you 
know who this Bronte is, that Nelson has got hold 
of!"—." No," replied the other, " I don't ; all I can 
say is, that I think he is a fool, begging his pardon, 
for taking a partner; for, depend upon it, nobody will 
over do so well as Nelson himself; you see this last 
business, though I dare say every thing was done that 
could be done without him ; — had he gone in, the 
boats, chains, and all, would have come out along 
with him." Joined by a third, it was long debated 
who this Bronte could be ; at last it was determined 
that he must be a soldier officer, who was to assist in 
?iny descent upon the enemy's coast; but nothing 
could exonerate the hero of the Nile, in the opinion 
of these honest fellows, for taking a partner. 



NAVAL. £59 

764. A Jack tar having been long in a French pri- 
son, was asked, on his return, whether he had got 
a smattering of their lingo ? " No," replied Jack, 
44 they call things by wrong names : they call a horse 
a shovel, and a hat a chopper.' 7 

765. A lady came up one day to the keeper of the 
light-house near Plymouth, which is a great curiosity. 
. — " I want to see the light-house," said the lady. 
" You cannot/ 7 was the reply. " Do you know who 
I am, sir ?'W? No, madam/' — " I am the captain's 
lady/' — " If you were his wife, madam/ 7 said the 
blunt tar, " you could not see it without his order f 

766. A captain of a West Indiaman wished to buy 
a horse. After the purchase was made, he said to 
the chapman, " Well, now the horse is mine, pray 
tell me, candidly, whether he has any faults, and what 
they are." — " What do you mean to do with him V 
said the other. " Why, to take him to sea/ 7 answered 
the captain. " Then I will be candid/' replied the 
dealer : " he may go very well at sea; but. on land he 
cannot go at all, or I would not have sold him. 77 

767. A sailor, half groggy, passing along the street 
of a sea-port town, discovered over an admiral's door 
an escutcheon, with checquers painted on it, and very 
naturally took it for an ale-house. The gentleman (a 
ruddy-looking portly man), standing at the door, 
Jack clapped him on the shoulder, crying, ' Landlord, 
you look like an honest fellow, give us a cup of the 
best. 77 The gentleman, to carry on tbe joke, ordered 
his servant to bring him some beer ; w hich being 
done, the jolly tar drank towards the landlord's very 
good health, and enquired what was to pay ; when 
the admiral told him, he might settle the next time 
he came that way. 

768. An honest tar hired a horse to carry him a few 



260 NAVAL. 

miles, but before he had got many yards, he found he 
possessed the usual excellencies of the unfortunate 
four-footed hirelings of the road, such as blindness, 
lameness, stumbling, &c. &c. The sailor, however, 
(having being unshipped twice with very little cere- 
mony in the length of half a mile, by the creature 
falling on its knees) hit upon a very whimsical mode 
of curing the impediment, which was by tying a large 
stone to the tail, and in that state rode it several 
miles, swearing, — Shiver his timbers, but it was the 
only thing to prevent the ship's going too much a-head. 

769. A sailor, coming to see another on pay-day/ 
desired to borrow twenty shillings of him. The mo- 
nied man fell to telling out the sum in shillings, but 
a half crown thrusting its head in, put him out, and 
he began to tell again ; but then an impertinent crown 
piece was as officious as his half brother had been, 
and again interrupted the tale : so that, taking up a 
handful of silver, he cried, " Here, Jack ; give me a 
handful when your ship is paid, what a plague signi- 
fies counting it?" 

770. An East India governor, having died abroad, 
his body was put in arrack, to preserve it for inter- 
ment in England. A sailor on board the ship being 
frequently drunk, the captain assured him, the next 
time he was guilty of that oifence, he should be se- 
verely whipped ; and at the same time forbad the 
purser, and indeed all in the ship, to let him have 
any liquor. Shortly after, the fellow appeared very 
drunk. How he got the liquor no one could guess. 
The captain, resolved to find out and punish the per- 
son who had thus disobeyed his orders, promised to 
forgive him, if he would tell from whom he got the 
liquor. After some hesitation, he hiccupped out, 
H Why, please your honour, I tapped the governor/ 7 

771. A tar, who had lately commenced porter, was 



NAVAL. 261 

going with a heavy load up one of the long streets of 
Mary-ie=bone, where there are very few resting" places 
for loaded passengers. Divine service was then per- 
forming in Bentinek Chapel, and not knowing the de- 
corum of the place, he was going into the porch to 
pitch his load, when he was interrupted by a person 
at the door, who told him he did not know what place 
it was, that it was a place of worship, a chapel of 
ease. " Oh ! then/' replied the tar, " that is the 
place I want; for I am terribly tired of this load, I 
mean to ease myself of it directly/- He was accord- 
ingly proceeding to pitch his burden, but was strenu- 
ously opposed by the beadle, who told him, that no 
such thing could be suffered there on any account. 
" No Y y said the fellow ; " why then han't you a pret- 
ty lying rascal to say it is a chapel of ease." 

772. M. Otto, the French ambassador to the Brit- 
ish court, displayed a most splendid illumination at 
his house in Portland Place, on account of the sign- 
ing of the definitive treaty of peace betwixt Great 
Britain and France. Whilst this illumination was in 
preparation, two British tars happened to pass his 
house ; when they observed in a transparency the 
words u Peace and Conccrd," which they read Peace 
conquer'd. " They cmiquer Peace, a set of frog-eating 
lubbers/' exclaimed one of the tars, and immediately 
knocked at Mr. Otto's door, insisting to see that gen- 
tiem n. M. Otto made bis appearance : the enraged 
tars demanded the reason of his presuming to insult 
the British nation. M. Otto in vain attempted to ex- 
plain the meaning of the words. But nothing would 
satisfy the gallant fellows ; they peremptorily insisted 
on his removing the obnoxious word " cmicord" which 
M. Otto, with much politeness, promised to do, and 
actually altered the sentiment to " Peace and Amity v' 

773. In a great storm at sea, when the ship's crew 
were ali at prayers, a boy burst into a violent tit of 



262 NAVAL. 

laughter ; and being reproved for his ill-timed mirth, 
and asked the reason of it, " Why/' said he, " I was 
laughing to think what a hissing the boatswain'* red 
nose will make when it comes into the water," This 
ludicrous remark set the crew a-laughing, inspired 
them with new spirits, and by great exertion they 
brought the vessel safe into port. 

774. Holman, on his benefit night, at Plymouth, 
a few summers ago, recited Collins' s Ode on the Pas- 
sions. Before he had got half through it, a sailor, 
from the gallery, looking at his play-bill, halloed out 
41 Avast preaching there, you lubber, and tip us a 
horn-pipe. — D'ye call this Colly's Odd Passions? If I 
see any thing odd in it, shiver me ! Sheer off, you 
humbug." 

775. At a representatation of the Chances at Ply- 
mouth, two or three years ago, Miss Mellon performed 
the part of the Second Constantia. A young mid- 
shipman was enraptured with her ; and when she re- 
cited, " Now, if any young fellow would take a liking 
to me, and make an honest woman of me, I'd make 
him the best wife in the world." — " I will, by Jove" 
exclaimed the tar, i( and I have two year's pay to re- 
ceive next Friday T 

776. In a church, not far from a famous sea-port, 
was a parson and clerk who were really originals in 
their way. The parson, who was a Welshman, spoke 
so thick, that there was no understanding him ; and 
the clerk, having broke hisa voice in singing psalms, 
repeated the responses in such a querulous plaintive 
tone, that he seemed to be always crying. A sailor, 
who stumbled in there one Sunday evening, was very 
much astonished at their proceedings ; for though the 
parishioners might be acquainted with their dialect, 
Jack was not : he waited however with patience till 
service was over, and on going out was met by a 
messmate, who asked him where he had been ? ** At 



NAVAL. QQ5 

church." — " And what did you see there V — " Why 
the clerk was crying, replied he, " because he did 
not understand a word that the parson said to him/' 

777. When the brave Admiral Kempenfeldt, who 
was unhappily lost in the Royal George, was coming 
into port to have his ship paid off, a sailor eyed a 
gold-laced velvet waistcoat which his commander 
wore, and in his best sea fashion begged to know 
who made it? The admiral, perceiving his drift, 
gave him the necessary information, and Jack went 
ashore. He forthwith applied to the admiral's tailor, 
who, knowing the humours of his customers, went 
with him to buy the materials, and at last asked, What 
he would have the back made of? " Made of?" said 
Jack, " the same as the front, to be sure." The tai- 
lor remonstrated, but in vain ; so the waistcoat was 
made, and put on, with an old greasy jacket over it. 
One day, in the High-street, the admiral met his 
man in this curious dress, which occasioned him to 
laugh heartily ; and this merrj fit was not a little in- 
creased, when Jack coming up to him, lifted up the 
hind part of his jacket, and shewed his gold-laced 
back, exclaiming, " No false colours, my old boy- 
stem and stern alike, by Jingo V 

778. A curious circumstance was lately witnessed 
by a gentleman, while on his tour through the west 
of England: — A sailor had repaired to Plymouth 
church with his lass, for the purpose of being married, 
when arriving at the place appointed, the usual ques- 
tions were put to him, and, amongst the rest, the 
name of his fair one : " As for that," says Jack, " all 
I know of her is, that I took her in tow yesterday af- 
ternoon, and that her name is Bet." 

779. At a sea-port in the west of England, an 
itinerant company of players were to perform the 
Tempest; a jolly tar, who went to see the play, got 



£64 NAVAL. 

into the boxes, when at the moment of the shipwreck, 
the temporary gallery gave way, and the company 
tumbled overdone another into the pit ; the sailor, 
who imagined it a part of the performance, shouted 
and halloed as loud as his lungs would permit him. 
At his return from sea, being in London, he observed 
the same play was to be performed at Drury-lane ; he 
went into the pit, and just as the scene before-men- 
tioned commenced, he stamped with his foot, piped 
all hands, and looking up to the gallery, called with 
a loud voice, " Take care, my hearts, you're all a- 
coming," to the no small terror of the ladies in the 
one shilling gallery. 

780. A sailor, who had served on board the Rom- 
ney, with Sir Home Popharn, after returning home 
from India, finding that wigs were all in the fashion, 
bespoke a red one, which he sported at Portsmouth 
to the great surprise of his companions. On being 
asked the cause of the change of colour in his hair, 
he said it was occasioned by his bathing in the Red 
Sea. 

781. An officer of one of the ships at Spithead, 
having occasion to send to his country-house in great 
haste, dispatched a sailor on horseback with a letter, 
who, after delivering it, and being refreshed, and the 
horse fed, went to the stable to prepare for his return, 
when a bye-stander observing to him that he was 
putting on the saddle the hind part before, the sailor 
replied, u How do you know which way I am going 
to ride." 

782. Some time ago, an honest Jack tar, just dis- 
charged, and rolling in money, on awaking out of a 
sound sleep, called out, "What ship a-hoy!" On 
which he was told he was at an inn at Prescot. He 
then asked how many leagues it was to Liverpool* 
and whether any packet sailed soon ? He was told 



NAVAL. 265 

it was nine miles to Liverpool, and that no stage- 
coach passed that way for several hours ; on which he 
told the landlord to rig him a sloop immediately, and 
to steer for Liverpool. After some consideration, 
the landlord ordered one of his chaises out, and 
Jack was told the sloop was ready. He instantly 
stepped forward, and seeing the driver holding the 
chaise door open, swore pretty roundly, and asked 
him, had he a mind to cram him in the hold. No ; 
he swore but he'd keep the deck ! Accordingly, he 
sprang on the top, and told the driver to weigh anchor, 
and hoist all the sail he could carry. They had not 
proceeded far before a sore-footed pedestrian, seeing 
no one in the chaise, called out to the driver to give 
him a lift for a few miles. The driver asked his em- 
ployer if he might take him up on the top? To which 
Jack replied, " No, he shan't come on the deck, 
dowse him below into the hold [" The weary passen- 
ger of course got into the chaise, and Jack, on the 
quarter-deck, as he called it, rode triumphantly into 
Liverpool. 

783. A sailor having just received prize-money, to 
some considerable amount, thought he might as well 
indulge himself with a coach. But as that seemed 
to him no more than any body else could do, who 
had not been equally fortunate, " Egad/' he cried, 
*' I will have a coach for my hat: aye, faith ! and one 
for my stick." He actually called two coaches, threw 
his hat into one, and his stick into the other, and 
himself rode in a third between them. 

784. Hat ton, who was a considerable favourite at 
the Haymarket Theatre, and particularly so in the 
part of Jack Junk, was one night at Gosport per- 
forming the character of Barbarossa. — in the scene 
where the tyrant makes Jove to Zapphira, and re- 
minds her of his services against the enemies of her 
kingdom, he was at a loss and could not catch the 

2 A 



£66 NAVAL. 

word from the prompter. Another moment, and a 
terrific hiss would have driven him from the stage — 
when seeing the house crowded with sailors, and re- 
gardless of the gross anachronism, he exclaimed, 
with all the energy of tragedy, — 

" Did not I. 

By that brave knight Sir Sidney Smith assisted, 
And in conjunction with the gallant Nelson, 
Drive Bonaparte and his fierce marauders 
From Egypt's shores ?" 

The jolly tars thought 'twas all in his part, and 
cheered the actor with three rounds of applause. 

785. A sailor passing by a cooper's shop, and seeing 
a number of tubs piled upon each other at the door, 
began to kick and tumble them about the street. The 
master coming out, and desiring to know the reason 
of this strange proceeding — " You stupid land-lub- 
ber," replied Jack, " should not every tub stand upon 
its own bottom/' 

786. Mrs. Siddons, in performing the character of 
Jane Shore, having arrived at the conclusion of that 
affecting tragedy, where she says, " Now, I die ! I 
die!" falls down, nature being supposed entirely ex- 
hausted. A sailor, perched on the front of the shil- 
ling gallery, forgetting that the distress of the actress 
was feigned, roared out to the pit, u Ho, why don't 
some of you lubbers in that there hold hand the poor 
woman a can of grog, since she is so badly ?" 

787. Two sailors went into a church at Plymouth, 
on the thanksgiving-day, both of whom belonged io 
the Temeraire, in the ever memorable battle off Tra- 
falgar. The clergyman, in the course of his sermon, 
mentioned the words " glorious victory," on which 
one of the tars observed to the other, " Hear, Jack, 
there's the Victory." The clergyman pronounced 



NAVAL. 267 

the word " victory" a second time ; on which the tar 
observed, " Mind, Jack, there's the Victory again." 
The clergyman not long after mentioned the word 
" victory" a third time ; on which the irritated tar ob- 
served to his companion, " Come, Jack, let us sheer 
off, and not stay here any longer — that fellow has 
mentioned the Victory three times, and never men- 
tioned the Temeraire, that was in the hottest part of 
the engagement, and took two ships ;" when they 
immediately left the church. 

788. At the conclusion of the last war, the boat- 
swain of a seventy-four that was paid off, on his ar- 
rival in London, repaired to Monmouth-street, where 
he purchased a second-hand suit, highly embroidered, 
which had been worn at court. Having had his hair 
dressed quite in style, away he set out for Drury-lane 
theatre, where he took a seat in a side box. It hap- 
pened the same evening that two jolly tars, belonging 
to the same ship, were placed in the front of the two- 
shilling gallery, and soon thought that they recog- 
nized their old acquaintance in the side-box. They 
were for some time at a loss to account for his pre- 
sent appearance, and had a dispute with each other, 
whether it was actually the same personage. At 
last, one of them hit upon an expedient to determine 
the question. Getting up, he called out in a nautical 
style, "Ho, the boatswain of the Achilles, a-hoy!" 
To this well known salutation the boatswain, forget- 
ting Ins fine habiliments, answered, " Hiiloa." 

789. A sea captain, not much acquainted with the 
customs of a theatre, being presented with a ticket 
to the opera, was asked, on his return to his lodgings, 
how the performers acquitted themselves. " Upon 
my word," replied he, " I have no very fine ear for 
music, but by the maimer in which those that I sup- 
pose were judges behaved to some of 'em, I should 
think very so so, indeed ; — one of them, called Bon* 

2a2 



268 NAVAL. 

te, or Bunto, or some such name, suing so very bad, 
that they made her sing ail her songs over again/' 

790. A tar having got into the pit of Drury-lane 
Theatre recognized one of his messmates aloft 
amongst the gods. "Pray, Jack," cried he, " what 
did it cost you to get into that snug birth ?" On be- 
ing inform, d that he gave only a shilling ; " This is 
fine business \ n said he, " I gave five shillings to get 
stowed into this here hole." 

791. Sailors, though they are the best fighters in 
the world, are not always the greatest scholars, or 
theologians. One of these being lately at. church, 
and hearing it read that the ark was carried on mens, 
shoulders, left the church in a great passion, affirming, 
with an oath, that master chaplain there had told a 
confounded lie ; " for as how, do you see, he had 
heard, that the same ark was big enough to stow one 
Noah, his crew, and a great deal of live stock, for a 
voyage round the world" 

792. Some time since, at one of our sea-ports, a 
noble naval commander, who is a strict disciplin- 
arian, accosted a drunken sailor in the street, with 
" What ship do you belong to ?" Jack, who was a 
dry fellow, notwithstanding he was drunk, and had 
a very eccentric countenance, answered with much 
sangfroid, " Don't know," — " What's your captain's 
name ?" — " Don't know." — " Do you know who I 
am?" — " No." — " Why, I am commander in chief/'— 
" Then," replied he archly, " you have a devilish 
good birth of it, — that's all I know T !" 

793. A sailor, who had not seen the inside of a 
church for some time, strolled into that of Porlock, 
in Somersetshire, just as the minister ascended the 
pulpit, who gave out for his text, " Wilt thou go with, 
me to Ramath Gilead, to battle?" which being twice 



NAVAL. 269 

repeated, the tar with some warmth rose up, and ex- 
claimed, " What do none of you answer the gentle- 
man ? For my; part, if nobody else will go, I'll go 
with him myself with all my heart." 

794. Lord Howe used to give the following ac- 
count of the devotion of one of his crew. " The fel- 
low was brave, but a little too fond of a can of grog; 
yet never omitted to repeat this prayer every night, 
as he went to his hammock ; ' I never murdered any 
man, and no man ever murdered me ; then God bless 
me and all mankind. Amen/ " 

795. Among many curious occurrences, at the late 
Yorkshire election, there w r as one which occasioned 
a great deal of merriment. — A sailor, who had been 
brought up to poll, positively refused to answer any 
question put to him by one of the lawyers, (whom he 
called admiral,) except he would pull off his big wig 
—he said, that he (the lawyer) wanted to fight under 
false colours ; for he saw r his black hair peeping from 
under his grey jazy — if he would strike that, he 
would give the admiral broadside for broadside, as 
long as he liked. 

796. In the course of an examination a short 
time since, at Bow-street, a sailor declared that he 
came up from Plymouth in company with three sky- 
larks ; and on being interrogated as to the meaning 
of the expression, replied, " Why, please your wor- 
ship, sky-larks are people who sit on the outside of a 
stage coach, and play at pushing one another off." 

797. The British sailors had always been accus- 
tomed to drink their allowance of brandy or rum 
clear, till Admiral Vernon ordered those under his 
command to mix it with water. The innovation gave 
great offence to the sailors, and, for a time, render- 
ed the commander very popular among them. The 

gA3 



270 NAVAL. 

admiral, at that time, wore a grog-grained coat, for 
which reason they nick-named him, " Old Grog ;" 
hence, by degrees, the mixed liquor he constrained 
them to drink, universally obtained among them the 
name of grog/' 

798. It chanced that a merchant ship was so vio- 
lently tossed in a storm at sea, that, all despairing of 
safety, betook themselves to prayer, saving one 
manner, who was ever wishing to see two stars : 
u Oh !" said he, " that I could see two stars, or but 
one of the two ;" and of these words he made so 
frequent repetition, that, disturbing the meditations 
of the rest, at length one asked him, "What two 
stars, or what one star he meant?" To whom he 
replied, " Oh ! that I could but see the star in 
Cheapside, or the star at Coleman-street, I care 
not which," 

799. A sailor who had been fighting, and making a 
riot, was taken first to the watch-house, then before a 
justice, who after severely reprimanding him, order- 
ed him to find bail. " I have no bail/* said Jack. 
u Then I '11 commit you," said the justice. " You 
will !" said the sailor, " then the Lord send you the 
rope that stops the wind when the ship's at anchor." 
— " What do you mean by that?" said the justice, " I 
Insist on an explanation of that phrase/' — "Why, 7 
said Jack, " it's the hanging rope at the yard-arm." 

800. One of the Dover stages, on its way to Lon- 
don Mas stopped by a single highwayman, who was 
informed by the coachman there were no inside pas- 
sengers, and only one in the basket, and he was a 
sailor.; The robber then proceeded to exercise his 
employment on the tar ; when, waking him out of his 
sleep, Jack demanded what he wanted ; to which the 
son of plunder replied, iC Your money." — " You 
shan't have it/' said Jack. "No !" replied the robber, 



THEATRICAL. £71 

" then I'll blow your brains out." — " Blow away/' 
cries Jack, " I may as well be without brains as with- 
out money : drive on coachman." 



CHAP. IX. 



THEATRICAL. 

COLLEY ClBBER. 

801. Giles Erie and Colley Cibber were for many 
years members of a gaming society at Totn's Coffee- 
house, in Russell-street, Covent-garden. Giles Erie 
was greatly pleased with Colley's company ; he was 
thought to be immensely rich, but excessively avari- 
cious. Colley had been absent from the club some 
time, when his unexpected appearance gave such joy 
to Erie, that he rose up and embraced him, saying, 
that he loved him above all things. " Yes," said 
Colle}', drily, " except a shilling." 

802. When Cibber once went to visit Booth, and 
knew that he was at home, a female domestic denied 
Mm. Colley took no notice of this at the time, but 
when a few days afterwards Booth paid him a visit 
in return, called out from the first floor that he was 
not at home. " How can that be," answered Booth ; 
" do I not hear your voice V — " To be sure you do,' 7 
replied Cibber, "but what then ? I believed your 
servant maid, and it is hard indeed if you wont be- 
lieve me. v 

Quin. 

803. When manager, Quin kept a tragedy so long, 
that the author called frequently; and being very 
angry, he sent him to his bureau and desired him to 



£7£ THEATRICAL. 

take it After searching for some time among several 
other plays, and not finding his own ; " Well," said 
Quin,. " be content, take two comedies and a farce 
for it." 

804. When Foote came out in the Hay market, 
Quin frequently amused himself, by describing the 
state of poverty from which he had been extricated. 
Foote heard of this, and said to him one night at the 
Eedford, " It is very odd, Mr. Quin, that you should 
take a delight in abusing me." — " I abuse you ! how, 
pray V 7 — " Why, you have said many things : the last 
which I remember is > that you was glad the fellow 
had got into the Haymarket, for he would find some- 
thing now to wash his shirt with." — " Aye, now, the 
last saying you remember is a confounded lie, which 
you have made to plague me. I said you would get 
something to wash your shirt with, did I ? Why, I 
never knew that you had a shirt to wash." 

805. Quin, dining one day at an ordinary, was 
seated next to a person of a most voracious disposi- 
tion ; and observing him to cut a very large piece of 
bread, which he laid by his plate against the bringing 
up of dinner, the wit took it up, and pretended to 
cut a piece off it. This was quickly noticed by the 
other, who told him, in a very abrupt manner, that it 
was his bread. 1 ask your pardon, sir," said Quin, in 
his usual deliberate way, " I really took it for the 
loaf/' 

806. Quin sometimes said things at once witty and 
wise. Disputing concerning the execution of Charles 
I. " But by what laws," said his opponent, " was he 
put to death by his subjects?" Quin replied, "J3y 
all the laws that he had left them." 

807. A person applied to Quin, as manager, to be 



THEATRICAL. £73 

admitted on the stage. Asa specimen of his dramatic 
powers, he began the famous soliloquy of Hamlet, 

" To be, or not to be, that is the question." 

Quin indignant at the man's absurd elocution, ex- 
claimed very decisively, " No question, upon my 
honour ; not to be, most certainly." 

808. When Quin, once dined at the country house 
of a nobleman, famous for his parsimony, the peer 
apologized for treating his guest with port wine only, 
because the butler had lost the key of the claret- 
cellar. The table being cleared of a scanty desert, 
and the port wine finished, the noble lord took his 
guest into his garden, where was an aviary, with 
a number of foreign birds, and among others an os-*. 
trich. " This bird," said he, " has many strange pro- 
perties, and can digest iron."-— u Can he?" replied 
Quin ; u why then I suppose he may have swallowed 
and digested the key of your claret-cellar, and if I 
might advise your lordship, you had better get another 
made as soon as possible." 

809. A young fellow offered himself to the manager 
of Covent Garden Theatre, who desired him to give a 
specimen of his abilities to Mr. Quin. After he had 
rehearsed a speech or two, in a wretched manner, 
Quin asked him, with a contemptuous sneer, whether 
he had ever done any part in comedy. The young 
fellow answered, " That he had done the part of 
Abe], in the Alchymist." To which Quin replied, 
u You mistake, it was the part of Cain you acted ; 
for I am sure you murdered A bel" 

810. Quin, complaining of his old age and infirmi- 
ties one day in the public rooms at Bath, a pert young 
coxcomb asked him, " What would you give to be 
as young as I am ?"— " I do not know," says Quin , 



£74 THEATRICAL. 

measuring him very contemptuously, " I should be 
almost content to be as foolish." 

811. A gentleman in a coffee-house called " Waiter! 
bring me a glass of brandy ; I am very hot." Ano- 
ther, " Waiter ! a glass of brandy ; I am devilish 
cold." Mr. Quin, " Waiter! give me a glass of 
brandy, because I like it." 

812. Quin being one day in a coffee-house, saw a 
young beau enter, in an elegant negligee dress, quite 
languid with the heat of the day. " Waiter !" said 
the coxcomb, in an affected faint voice, " waiter ! 
fetch me a dish of coffee, weak as water, and cool as 
a zephyr I" Quin, in a voice of thunder, immediately 
vociferated, " Waiter, bring me a dish of coffee, hot 
as fire, and strong as brandy !" The beau, starting, 
exclaimed, " Waiter, pray what is that gentleman's 
name V Quin, in his usual tremendous tone, exclaim- 
ed, " Waiter, pray what is that lady's name." 

813. Quin told Lady Berkeley, who was a beauti- 
ful woman, that she looked blooming as the spring ; 
but, recollecting that the season was not then very 
promising, he added, M I wish the spring would look 
like your ladyship." 

814. A candidate for the stage was desired to recite 
some lines before Mr. Quin. While he was tearing 
away a tragedy speech, a dog set up a howling, 
which drowned Mr. Daggerwood's voice. Quin ex- 
claimed, u A dog of judgment, indeed !" and turned 
on his heel. 

Macklin. 

815. Macklin, the player, once going to one of the 
fire-offices to insure some property, was asked by the 
clerk, how he would please to have his name entered ? 
u Entered," replied the veteran, " why, I am only 



THEATRICAL. 275 

plain Charles Macklin, a vagabond, by act of parlia- 
ment ; but, in compliment to the times, you may set 
me down Charles Macklin, Esq. as they are now sy- 
nonimous terms. 7 '' 

816. Macklin and Dr. Johnson disputing on a lite- 
rary subject, Johnson quoted Greek, " I do not un- 
derstand Greek/' said Macklin. " A man who 
argues should understand every language/' replied 
Johnson. " Very well/' said Macklin, and gave him 
a quotation from the Irish. 

817. While Macklin was a young man and in In- 
dia, in the course of some convivialities with his bro- 
ther officers, he happened to have a quarrel with one 
of them, which was taken up so high on both sides, 
that nothing less than a duel was to determine it. 
Accordingly, it was agreed the parties should meet 
the next morning, at an appointed place, with seconds 
and pistols. When Macklin came upon the ground, 
he appeared wrapped up from head to foot in a loose 
great coat, that no part of his figure could be distin- 
guished but his head. This was thought an odd dress 
for a man to fight a duel in ; however, it passed with- 
out notice till the ground was measured out, and the 
antagonists were desired to take their different stands; 
when, to the surprise of all, Macklin throwing off his 
great coat, appeared in a perfect state of nature, with- 
out any other article of dress about him than a pair 
of morocco slippers. His antagonist, alarmed, asked 
him the cause of so odd an appearance. " Why, 
sir/' says Macklin very coolly, ik I will tell you with 
great candour, that in order, if you please, you may 
take the same advantage yourself. It is this — I am 
told that most of the wounds which prove mortal in 
India, arise from some part of the woollen or linen, 
which a man generally carries about him in these 
encounters, being forced into the flesh along with the 
ball, and which occasions, in this very hot climate, a 



£70 THEATRICAL. 

speedy mortification. Now, in order to avoid this, I 
am determined to fight quite naked, just as you see, 
that if I should have the misfortune of being wound- 
ed, I shall at least have a better chance of recovery." 
The firmness of this declaration, and the savage 
figure which presented itself before him, deterred his 
antagonist from proceeding any further, his second 
declaring they were not on a par for safety, and the 
alternative of fighting a duel naked, was neither 
agreeable to the laws of honour, or of decency. 

818. Foote, who was ever in the extremes of for- 
tune, now at the top and now at the bottom of her 
wheel, happened at one time to be in the latter con- 
dition, and in company with Macklin at the Bedford 
Coffee-house, when Foote, perhaps to keep up the ap- 
pearance of prosperity, was every now and then 
shewing off a fine gold repeating watch, which he 
kept either dangling in his hand, or up to his ear. 
At last he suddenly exclaimed, " Zounds ! my watch 
is stopt !" — " Poh ! poh !" said Macklin, " nevermind 
that 8am ; you may depend upon it, it will soon go." 

Foote. 

819. Foote after an infinite number of pressing in- 
vitations from Mr. Sheriff Vailiant, to take a casual 
dinner with him, as he frequently passed his house, in 
the road to his little mansion at Elstree, called and 
had such a reception as might be expected from an 
avaricious man. The door, in obedience to his knock, 
opened, when he saw the sheriff pop out of the 
back door into the garden. He then asked the ser- 
vant if her master was at home " JNo, ,; said the, 
tutored female. " By your permission, then, my 
dear," replied the visitor, " III take a walk in your 
garden/' — " By all means," replied the obliging fair 
one. As soon as he entered the garden, he saw the 
sheriff enter the temple of ihc goddess Cloacina, 
where he kept him close prisoner for upwards of an 



THEATRICAL. £77 

hour and a half. Determined, however, to let him 
know, that he had seen him, and to have the full en- 
joyment of his joke, he knocked at the door of the 
fragrant tenement, saying with a loud voice, " You 
may come out, Mr. Sheriff, for I am going/' 

820. To recollect the name of any person, though 
ever so much in the habits of intimacy with Rich, 
was, either really or affectedly, beyond the ordinary 
reach of his memory. He generally addressed the 
person, " Mr/' or " Madam/' while a long pause, 
and a pinch of snuff, filled up the interval of repeat- 
ing the surname ; and if he did attempt the name, 
he was sure to miscall it. When he was first ac- 
quainted withFoote, the latter observed this singular- 
ity, and would never answer to the name of " Mr." 
Rich felt this, and said, " Oh, Mr. Footty, I beg your 
pardon/' — " My name's Foote, sir," said the wit, 
gravely. " Well, well, Mr. Footty, it may be so ; 
but youil excuse me, for really 1 am so absent a man, 
that I frequently forget my own name/' — " That's 
extraordinary, indeed/ 7 said Foote ; for though I 
know it is impossible for some men to write or spell 
their own name, I thought every blackguard knew 
how to sound it/' 

821. Mrs. Reddish playing the Queen in Richard, 
one night, at Drury-lane Theatre, and being rather of 
a coarse masculine make, a gentleman asked Foote, 
who sat next him, who she was ? Being told her name 
was Reddish, " : Reddish, Reddish!" says the gentle- 
man, endeavouring to recollect her. " Aye, sir," 
said the wit, " Horse Reddish." 

822. Not long before his death, Foote went to 
spend his Christmas with a friend in the country, 
when the weather being very cold, and but bad fires, 
occasioned by the scarcity of wood in the house, he 
determined to make his visit as short as possible ; ac- 

2 B 



•2t'8 THEATRICAL. 

cordingly, on the third day after he went there, he or- 
dered his chaise, and was preparing to set out for 
town. The gentleman seeing him with his boots 
on in the morning, asked what hurry he was in, 
and pressed him to stay. " No, no/' says Foote, 
" was I to stay any longer you would not let me have 
a leg to stand on." — " Why, sure/ 7 says the other, 
"we do not drink so much/ 7 — " No," says the wit, 
" but there is so little wood in your house, that I am 
afraid one of your servants may light the fires some 
morning with my right leg." 

823. Foote, when at Paris, was walking with a 
Frenchman who had never been in England, and 
was very partial to his own country. After asking 
Foote many questions, he said, " Now, as to a river, 
you have nothing like this in London f pointing at 
the same time to the Seine. To this the English wit 
replied, " We had just such another lately," alluding 
to Fleet-ditch ; " but we have tilled it up, not having 
any use for it." 

824. Holland, the comedian, whose father was a 
baker, at his death appointed Foote one of his pall- 
bearers. The burying-place of the family was at 
Battersea, where Foote having attended, to discharge 
the last duty to his friend, returned to town; and 
willing to get rid of his grief, went to the Bedford 
Coffee-house in quest of some friends. The busi- 
ness he had been upon being well known, one of the 
company addressed him with, " Well, sir, you have 
just been paying the last kind office to your friend?" 
To which Foote replied, u Yes, poor boy, I have just 
been lending a hand to shove him into the family 
oven." 

825. Baddeley, previous to his becoming a player, 
was a cook. The first character he happened to ap- 
pear jn, it was necessary that he should wear a 



THEATRICAL* £79 

sword. Foote seeing him thus equipped, immedi- 
ately exclaimed, " Ah, Baddeley ! 1 am heartily 
glad to see you in the way of complete transmigra- 
tion ; you have turned your spit into a sword already." 

826. Major B , a great gambler, said to Foote, 

" Since I saw you I have lost an eye." — " I am sorry 
for it," said Foote, " pray at what game ?' 

827. To a man who had very narrowly escaped the 
pillory for perjury, Foote, who came to Bath to be 
cured of a jaundice, said, " So, my good friend, you 
and I come here to have the eggs washed off our 
feces." 

828. When Foote published his Englishman at 
Paris, he wrote the following dedication to his book- 
seller : " Having no obligations to any lord or lady 
of these kingdoms, and wishing my play to have a 
protector, I beg leave to thank you for the neatness 
of the impression, the beauty of the type, and the 
fineness of the paper, with which you have honoured 
the work of your humble servant, Sam. Foote, 

829. Mrs. Foote, mother of our Aristophanes, was 
nearly as eccentric and whimsical a character as her 
son. The day she was sent prisoner to the King's 
Bench, Foote was taken to a spunging-house, and 
the following short epistles passed between them : 

" Dear Sam, I am in prison. 

Ann Foote." 

Answer. — " Dear Mother, So am I. 

Sam. Foote." 

830. A gentleman in company with Foote, at the 
Smyrna Coffee-house, took up a newspaper, saying, 
<c He wanted to see what the ministry were about." 
Foote replied, " Look among the robberies." 

2 b 2 



THEATRICAL. 

831. Baron Perryn, having been engaged on a visit 
to Foote, came at an early hour, in order to enjoy the 
pleasure of angling in the pond. Foote, ever ready 
to oblige his guests, ordered the fishing apparatus to 
be got ready, and a chair to be placed at the pond-side 
for the accommodation of the learned sportsman. 

I Two hours did the baron throw the line with as much 
'patience as he would, when on another seat, hear the 

oratory of Mr. , or Mr. . At length 

Foote and his company came out. " Well, baron," 
said he, a do they bite?" — " No, I have only had a 
nibble or two." — u That you have not!" says the son 
©f Aristophanes. " What do you mean?" said his 
lordship. " I mean," replied his host, " that there is 
not a fish in the pond, for the water was only put in 
yesterday." 

832. Laughing at the imbecility of a friend, one 
day, somebody observed to Foote — It was very sur-> 

prising, as Tom D knew him well, and thought 

him far from being a fool — u Ah, poor Tom," said 
Foote, " he is like one of those who eat garlic them- 
selves, and therefore cannot smell it in a companion." 

833. Previously to Foote's bringing out his primi- 
tive puppet-shew, a lady asked him, " Pray, sir, are 
your puppets to be as large as life/' — " Oh, dear ma- 
dam, no; not much above the size of Garrick." 

834. Foote dining at the house of Mrs. Thrale 
found nothing to his liking, and sat in expectation of 
something better coming up. A neck of mutton being 
the last thing, he refused it, as he had the other 
dishes. As the servant was taking it away, however* 
understanding that there was nothing more, he called 
out to the fellow, " Hollo, master, bring that back 
again ; I now find it is neck or nothing" 

£35. Foote, being at Dover, in his way to France^ 



THEATEICAL. £81 

went into the kitchen of the inn to order a parti- 
cular dish for his dinner, The cook, understanding 
that he was about to embark for France (and per- 
haps willing to have a satirical stroke at French 
travellers,) was bragging that, for her part, she was 
never once out of her own country. Foofe, who 
had humour of every kind ready on all occasions, 
instantly replied — " Why, Cookey, that's very extra- 
ordinary ; as they tell me, above stairs, that you have 
been several times all over grease" — " They may say 
what they please above stairs or below stairs," replied 
the cook, " but I was never ten miles from Dover in 
my life/' — " Nay, now, that must be a fib,'' said 
Foote, " for I have myself seen you at spit-head. 17 
The servants by this time caught the joke, and a roar 
of laughter ran round the kitchen, which ended in his 
giving them a crown to drink his health and a good 
voyage. 

836. A conceited young man asking Foote what 
apology lie should make for not being one of a party 
the day before, to which he had a card of invitation : 
'- Oh, my dear sir!" replied the wit, " say nothing 
about it, you were never missed." 

837. Davenport, a tailor, having set up his carnage, 
asked Foote for a motto. " There is one from Ham- 
let," said the wit, " that will match you to a button- 
hole— -List I List ! Oh List V' 

838. Foote being engaged at a rout at Lady Har- 
rington's, found the ladies all so thickly seated, that 
on his entering the drawing-room he could not get 
a place to sit down in. " Come, Foote/' says her 
ladyship, " you must not be kept standing, take a 
chair." — " You are very obliging, my lady," said 
the wit, " but there appears to me to be more bot- 
toms than chairs at present about the room/' 

2 b 3 



28£ THEATRICAL. 

839. Soon after Mr. Foote had his house at North- 
end, Fulham, fitted up, a friend came to see him. 
Sam, having carried him through the house, asked 
how he liked it ; he answered, that it was very neat, 
and handsomely furnished, but at the same time, that 
there was not a room " fit to swing a cat in" — " Sir/' 
says Foote, " I do not mean it to swing cats in." 

840. Every body, who remembers Mr. Foote. must 
remember the beautiful set of dun horses with which 
he used to drive his carriage. On being compliment- 
ed respecting their appearance one day, " Yes," re- 
plied the wag, " I am never without a set of duns 
in my retinue ; but with this difference, that in the 
summer I drive the duns, and in the winter the duns 
drive me J 1 

841. Foote, whose talent lay in mimicry, even in 
his early days, had a knack of imitating the late Ge- 
neral JBlakeney, in the shrug of his shoulders, and 
the lisping of his speech, for which the general was 
remarkable, so that it grew a common topic among 
his acquaintance, who used to say, " Come, Sam, let 
us have the general." A friend at length acquainted 
Blakeney, who sent for Foote : •' Sir," said he, " I 
hear you have an excellent talent at mimicking cha- 
racters, and, among the rest, I find I have been the 
subject of your ridicule." — " Oh, sir," says Foote 
with great pleasantry, " I take ail my acquaintance 
off at times, and what is more particular, I often take 
myself off" — " Gad, so," says the other, " pray, let 
us have a specimen." Foote on this put on his hat 
and gloves, took his cane, and making a short bow, 
left the room. The general waited some minutes 
for his return ; but at length, on inquiry, found Jie 
had really taken himself off, by leaving the house. 

Garrick. 

842. A Scotchman presented a tragedy to Mr. Gar- 



THEATRICAL, £83 

rick, who, after some time, returned it, saying — That 
lie did not think tragedy was the gentleman's forte. 
— " Then, sir," said the other, taking a manuscript 
from his pocket, " here's a comedy; and let me tell 
ye, it's the first comedy that was ever wrote by any 
of my country." This, however, Mr. Garrick like- 
wise returned, observing, " When I said that trage- 
dy was not your forte, I did not mean that comedy 
was." 

843. When Woodward first played Sir John Brute, 
Garrick was induced, from curiosity, or perhaps jea- 
lousy, to be present. A few days after, when they 
met, Woodward asked Garrick how he liked him in 
the part, adding " I think I struck out some beauties 
in it." — " I think," said Garrick, " you struck out all 
the beauties in it." 

844. At the rehearsal of Venice Preserved, when 
a new actress, highly recommended to Garrick, was 
to make her debut in Belvidera, she repeated that 
tender exclamation, " Would you kill my father, 
Jaffier ?" with so much sang froid, that Garrick whis- 
pered her nearly in the same tone, " Can you chop 
cabbage, madam V 

845. The first time Henderson the player rehearsed 
a part at Drury-lane, George Garrick said as he en- 
tered, " I only come as a spectator." Soon after, he 
made some objections to Henderson's playing ; and 
the new actor retorted, " I thought you only came 
as Spectator, but you are turning Toiler" — " Never 
mind him," said David Garrick very good-naturedly ; 
" let him be what he will, I will be Guardian" 

846. Mr. Twiss, a romancing traveller, was talking 
of a church he had seen in Spain a mile and a half 
long. " Bless me !" said Garrick, " how broad was 
itW "About ten yards," said Twiss. "This is, 



284 THEATRICAL* 

you'll observe, gentlemen," said Garrick to the com- 
pany, " not a round lie, but differs from his other 
stories, which are generally as broad as they are long." 

847. The Dutchess of Kingston asked Garrick one 
day, why Love was represented as a child. He re* 
plied, " Because love never reaches the age of wis- 
dom and experience." 

848. A friend made Garrick a present of a case that 
contained a razor, a strap, and a shaving-box ; and 
telling him that he would find some very pretty little 
things in it, " I hope," said Garrick, " as I cannot 
shave myself, that one of them is a pretty little bar- 
ber/' 

849. The expression of Garrick's eyes, and the 
flexibility of his features, are well known to have 
given him the most extraordinary advantages in the 
representation of various characters. He sometimes 
availed himself of these natural assistances, to pro- 
duce a ludicrous scene among his friends. He fre- 
quently visited Mr, Bigby, at Misley Thorn in Essex. 
Mr. Bigby one day inquired of his servant, what com- 
pany was arrived. The servant said, Lord M 

was come, and had brought with him a short gentle- 
man with very bright eyes — meaning Mr. Garrick. 
" Why have I not the pleasure of seeing them here?" 
said Mr. Bigby. " I don't know," said the servant, 
** how long it will be before my lord can make his ap- 
pearance ; for the case is this : — the barber came to 
shave his lordship ; and just as he had shaved half his 
lordship's face, the short gentleman with the bright 
eyes began to read the newspaper to him ; but he read 
it in such a droll way, and made so many odd faces, 
that my lord laughed, and the barber laughed, and 
when I went into the room, I could not help laughing 
too ; so that, sir, if you don't send for the short gen- 
tleman, his lordship must appear at dinner with one 



THEATRICAL. 285 

side of his face smooth, and the other with a beard of 
two days' growth/' 

850, When Garrick and Mr. Rigby were once 
walking together in Norfolk, they observed upon a 
board at a house by the road side, the following 
strange inscription : " A go s koored hear" — " Strange 
indeed!'' said Rigby; " how is it possible that such 
people as these can cure agues V " I do not know/' 
replied Garrick, " what their prescription is, but I am 
certain it is not by a spell" 



Richard Burbidge. 
851. One evening, when the tragedy of Richard the 
Third was to be acted, the poet observed a smart 
damsel trip behind the scenes, and slily whisper to 
Burbidge (a favourite player, and an intimate of 
Shakespeare's, who was to perform the part of Rich- 
ard), that her master had gone out of town in the 
morning — that her mistress would be glad of his com- 
pany after the play, and that she begged to know 
what signal he would use. " Three taps on the door, 
my dear, and 'Tis I, Richard the Third," was the an- 
swer of Burbidge. The girl decamped; and Shake- 
speare, whose curiosity was sufficiently excited, fol- 
lowed her steps till he saw her enter a house in the 
city. On inquiry in the neighbourhood, he found that 
the owner of the mansion was a wealthy merchant, 
but superannuated, and exceedingly jealous of his 
young wife. At length the hour of rendezvous ap- 
proached ; and the poet, having givefrrthe appointed 
signal, obtained instant admission. Nothing could 
equal the indignation of the lady when she found her- 
self in the amis of a stranger. He flattered and vow- 
ed ; she frowned and stormed : but it was not in wo- 
man to resist the soft eloquence of a Shakespeare. 
In a word, the bard supplanted the player. The re- 



286 THEATRICAL. 

presentative of Richard appeared. No sooner had he 
given the appointed taps, than Shakespeare, putting 
his head out of the window, demanded his business. 
" 'Tis I, 'tis I, Richard the Third/' replied the impa- 
tient Burbridge. " Richard !" rejoined the other : 
*f knave, begone : know that William the Conqueror 
reigned before Richard the Third" 

Sir William Davenant. 

852. Colonel Congreve's apparatus for securing 
Drury-Iane Theatre against fire, brings to mind what 
Sir William Davenant said to the audience on an 
alarm of fire when he was manager. — He begged the 
people not to be at all uneasy : for he had the happi- 
ness to assure them, that, if necessary, he could drown 
the whole pit in less than five minutes ! 

CoLLEY ClBBER. 

853. Theophilus Cibber was very extravagant ; he 
one day asked his father for a hundred pounds. 
" Zounds ! sir/' said Colley, " can't you live upon 
your salary? When I was your age I never spent 
any of my father's money/' — " But I am sure, sir, you 
have spent a great many hundred pounds of my fa- 
ther's money," replied the young man. This retort 
had its effect. 

Quin. 

854. When Quin lodged in the country, he lost his 
horse ; and on asking a country fellow if they had any 
thieves among them, for that his horse was stolen — 
" No/' says Hodge, " we all be honest fellows here ; 
but they says as how there be one Quin hereabouts, 
a player-man from London: mayhap he may have 
stolen him." 

855. Quin, when once dining with a friend, on a 
Sunday, called lustily for the pudding. The cook 



THEATRICAL. 287 

had forgot it. " Oh ! the Sabbath-breaking jade," 
exclaimed he, " no wonder we have earthquakes," 

856. Madam Rollan, who some years since died at 
Paris, was a principal dancer at Covent Garden, as 
far back as fifty years past, when she was held in that 
public esteem, that, having one day sprained her 
ancle, no less an actor than Quin was ordered, by 
the managers, to make an apology to the audience, 
for her not appearing in the dance. Quin, who in ad- 
dition to his aversion of the French, looked upon all 
dances as the mere garnish of the stage, at first de- 
murred, but being threatened with a forfeiture, he 
growlingly came forward, and, in a coarse way, thus 
addressed the audience : — 

" Ladies and Gentlemen, 
" I am desired by the manager to inform you, that 
the dance intended for this night, is obliged to be 
postponed on account of Mademoiselle Rollan having 
dislocated her ancle— I wish it had been her neck, the 
jade" 

857. The following laughable incident, that hap- 
pened at a rehearsal of Coriolanus, while it was pre- 
paring for the benefit of Thomson's sisters, is thus 
related by the celebrated Mrs. Bellamy : — Mr. Quin's 
pronunciation was of the old school. In this Mr, 
Garrick had made an alteration. The one pronounced 
the letter a open : the other sounded it like an e ; 
which occasioned the following ludicrous mistake. In 
the piece, when the Roman ladies come in procession 
to solicit Coriolanus to return to Rome, they are at- 
tended by the tribunes; and the centurions of the 
Volscian army bearing fasces, their ensigns of autho- 
rity, which they are ordered by the hero (the part of 
which was played by Mr. Quin) to lower, as a token 
of respect. But the men who personated the centu- 
rions imagining, through Mr. Quin's mode of pronim- 



288 THEATRICAL. 

ciation, that he said their faces, instead of their fasces, 
all bowed their heads together. 

Macklin. 

858. When Macklin gave lectures on the drama, 
Foote being one evening present, talking and laugh- 
ing very loud just before the lecture began, Maekfin, 
offended, called out rather pettishly, " Sir, you seem 
to be very merry there ; but do you know what I am 
going to say now?" — " No, sir/' said Foote; " pray 
do you V T 

Foote. 

859. As the late Sam Foote was, in the early part 
of his life, one night walking down a street in the 
neighbourhood of Oxford Road, he was accosted with 
great civility by a shabb}-looking man, who asked 
nim the way to Tyburn. To which Foote replied— 
" My good fellow, you have only to rob the first per- 
son you meet, and you'll find your way there very 
easily." The fellow very heartily thanked him for his 
advice, and, presenting a pistol, ordered him to de- 
liver his money, on pain of having his brains blown 
out ; with which injunction he was obliged to comply, 
though to his great mortification ; as he lost both his 
jest and his money. 

860. G. S. Carey, when a very young man, intro- 
duced Foote in his Lecture on Mimicry, with very 
great success, which wasped Foote very much ; and, 
meeting Carey one day with two or three of his young 
friends, he said, " Harkye, young gentleman, if you 
follow the practice of taking me off night after night, 
as you do, I will be a thorn in your foot" On which 
Carey replied, u "Will ^ou ? then I'll be a foot in your 
hreech." At which Fpote looked at him with his 
usual grin, took a pinch of snuff, and decamped. 

861 Foote had his weaknesses, and was never so 



THEATRICAL. 289 

happy as when the company laughed heartily at his 
jest. John Palmer wanted to procure an engagement 
for his brother Robert ; and Griffiths, the late prompt- 
er at the Royalty Theatre, wished for a situation 
likewise. Both parties attended at the Hay market 
Theatre, and it was not long before Mr. Foote start- 
ed a witticism, at which Griffiths pretended to laugh 
immoderately, and wiped the tears from his eyes which, 
he never shed. The manoeuvre had an effect, Foote 
immediately inquired who he was, and seemed dis- 
posed to listen to his terms, until another jest escaped 
the lips of Aristophanes, when, to make his ground 
sure, Griffiths began again, even louder than before: 
but here he was foiled; for Palmer and his brother 
(who had his cue) made such a bellowing, and accom- 
panied it with the beating of their sticks so loud, that 
Foote caught Jack Palmer's hand in rapture, swore 
he was a clever fellow, scowled at Griff, and Bob was 
engaged. 

862. When some one was once lamenting Foote's 
unlucky fate, in being kicked in Dublin, Johnson said 
he was glad of it: — " He is rising in the world," add- 
ed he ; ki when he was in England, no one thought it 
worth while to kick him." 

Garrick. 

863. Dr. Monsey meeting Garrick in the Strand, 
in a pensive mood, asked him what he w r as thinking 
of. " Thinking of," said Garrick — " I was thinking 
what a fool I have been through life, scraping up 
money from morning till night, and all for whom? 
why for George and his children, who may make 
ducks aud drakes of it." — kt Why then," said Mon- 
sey, *- don't you do as I do ; spend your money your- 
self, and save your executors the trouble ?"— u And 
so I will," cried Garrick. " With a courage,," said 
Monsey, in telling the story, "that at the time I 
thought natural; but, alas! turning the corner of 

2 c 



290 THEATRICAL. 

Southampton-street, he unfortunately met the ghost 
of a farthing, and all his boasted resolution vanished 
into air." 

864. When Hopkins, the Drury-lane prompter, 
once recommended a man to be engaged as mechanist 
in preparing the scenery of a new pantomime, Gar- 
rick made the following objections to employ him :— 

<4 Southampton-street, Thursday morning. 
" I tell you, Hopkins, the man will never answer 
the purpose of the theatre. In the first place, he can- 
not make a moon, I would not give him three-pence 
a dozen for such moons as he shewed me this day. 
His suns are, if possible, worse : besides, I gave him 
directions about the clouds, and such clouds were 
never seen since the flood. Desire the carpenter to 
knock the rainbow to pieces ; 'tis execrable ; his stars 
were the only things tolerable. I make no doubt of 
his honesty ; but, until he can make a good sun, moon, 
and raiyiboiVy I must dispense with his future services. 

" D. Gariuck." 

865. Garrick, one day, went into the painting- 
room, and seeing, as he imagined, a prodigious quan- 
tity of gold about the floor, began to abase first the 
man who was grinding the colours, and afterwards 
to bawl out lustily for* French, the painter. French 
made his appearance, and was thus accosted. " Why 
— why — hey — why you, Mr. French, is not it — ey — 
the cursedest thing, that you will, in this harum ska- 
rum manner — he — a — ruin me \" — " God bless my 
soul," cried French; "what is the matter, sir." — 
" The matter, sir — why where are you — with your 
lack-lustre eyes — don't you see the ground all strew- 
ed with gold. I believe you think I roll in money " 
—"Gold, sir! — oh, what the Dutch metal that we 
have rubbed off in gilding the new scene? — it is not 
worth two-pence." — " Well — two-pence —and pray 



THEATRICAL. 2Q1 

why the devil should I lose two-pence ? — do you con- 
sider what two-pence a day will amount to in a year/' 
— •" Well, sir, it is nothing out of your pocket/* — 
" Yes, sir, but — a— yaw — you — are a curious sort of 
a hey — how is it nothing out of my pocket?' 7 — "-Why 
you know, sir, I have a salary for finding all these 
things/'— "Oh — a — hey — a salary — why then, hang 
me, if I care two-pence about it. 77 

866. The following correspondence, which actually 
took place in the year 1748, may serve to illustrate 
the theatrical management of that period. A man, 
of the name of Stone, who was frequently employed 
by Garrick to get recruits for the low parts of the 
drama, had hired a fellow to perform the Bishop of 
Winchester, in Henry the Eighth; but, on the night 
of performance, he sent a note to Garrick in these 
words: — "Sir, the Bishop of Winchester is getting 
drunk at the Bear, and swears he wont play to-night. 
I am yours, W. Stone/ 7 - To which Garrick imme- 
diately wrote this answer: — " Stone, the Bishop may 
go to the devil : I do not know a greater rascal, ex- 
cept yourself. D. G. -Some time afterwards Stone 

wrote as follows : — " Sir, Mr. Lacy turned me out of 
the lobby yesterday ; I only ax'd tor my two guineas 
for the last Bishop, and he swore I should not have 
a farthing. I cannot live upon air. I have a few 
Cupids, you may have them cheap, as they belong to a 
• poor journeyman shoemaker, who I drink with now 

and then. I am, &c. W. Stone/ 7 Answer. " Stone, 

you are the Lest fellow in the world : bring the Cu- 
pids to the theatre to-morrow. If they are under six, 
and well made, you shall have a guinea a-piece for 
them. If you can get me two good Murderers, I will 
pay you handsomely; particularly the spouting fel- 
low, who keeps the apple stand on Tower-hill : the 
cut in his face is just the thing. Pick me up an Al- 
derman or two, for Richard, if you can ; and I have 
2 c 2 



29% THEATRICAL. 

no objection to treat with you for a comely Mayor. 
D. G." 

867. G-arrick, though accustomed to face multi- 
tudes, when once subpoenaed as a witness, was, in 
Westminster-Hail, so disconcerted by this new mode 
of public appearance, that he could scarcely compre- 
hend a question that was asked him, It was a cause 
wherein an actor claimed a free benefit ; that is, a be- 
nefit without paving the expeuses of the house ; but 
the meaning of the term was disputed, and Garriek 
was asked, "Sir, have you a. free benefit?" — " I 
have." — " What terms have you it upon?" — "The 
terms of a — of a — a — a — free benefit/' He was dis- 
missed as one from whom no information could be 
obtained. 

868. (Garriek being asked by Johnson what people 
said of his Dictionary, told him, that among other 
animadversions, it was objected that he cited au- 
thori-ties which were beneath the dignity of such a 
work, and quoted Richardson. "Nay," said John- 
son, " I have done worse than that, / have quoted 
thee, David !" 

869. Mr, Garriek passing through a town in York- 
shire, and seeiiig the Constant Couple, or al'rip to the 
Jubilee, advertised in the town, waited that night to 
see the play. The theatre happened to be a barn ; 
and Sir Harry Wildair, the hero of the piece, a re- 
cruiting serjeant, wiio wanted his left hand. At the 
opening, Mr. Garriek attended, as he thought, quite 
disguised: but it was not the case ; a man, who had 
been a candle-snuffer to Drury Lane, being one of 
the company, knew him, and communicated this 
knowledge to the rest of his brethren. A council 
was instantly called in the green-room ; the result of 
which was, to return him his entrance-money. The 
jnaa who found out the secret was deputed for that 



theatrical; 

purpose; who accordingly came round where Mr. 
Garrick was sitting, and after delivering the compli- 
ments of the gentlemen of the buskin, in very polite 
terms, begged the acceptance of his eighteen-pence, 
as they never took any thing from a brother. 

870. The well-known Dagger Marr, Tommy 
Clough, and Harry Vaughan, all of Drury-lane The- 
atre, met one morning at rehearsal : Clough kept his 
hand in his coat-pocket a long time, which Dagger 
taking notice of, asked him what he had got there ? 
u I have got a partridge," says Clough, " which I 
intend to present to the little man," meaning Mr. 
Garrick. " Tut !" says Vaughan, " he wont accept 
of it." — " Wont he," says Dagger, who was well ac- 
quainted with the penurious spirit of Garrick, "yes, 
I warrant you he'll take it, or a roll and treacle if 
you offer it to him." 

871. When Foote was at Paris for the last time, 
in the course of an evening's conversation with some 
English gentlemen, the subject turned on Garrick's 
acting ; when some of the company expressed thodr 
fears of that great performer's relinquishing the stage. 
* Make yourselves easy on that head," replied the 
wit; " for he'd play Richard before a kitchen fire in 
the dog-days, provided he was sure of getting a sop 
in the pan." 

872. A gentleman who called to pay a morning 
visit to Foote, took notice of a bust of Garrick on 
a bureau. — <% Do you know my reasons," said 
Foote, " for making Garrick stand sentry there?"— 
" No/' replied his friend. " I placed him there re- 
sumed the wit, " to take care of my money, for I 
can't take care of it myself." 

Spranger Barry. 
873- The celebrated Mr. Barry, to his silver voice 



£94 THEATRICAL. 

added all the addresses and powers of persuasion. 
A carpenter, to whom he owed a bill for work at the 
Dublin Theatre, called at Barry's house, and was very 
clamorous in demanding his money of the servant. 
Mr. Barry, overhearing him, said from above, " Don't 
be in a passion, but do me the favour to walk up 
stairs, and we 11 speak on the business." — u Not I," 
answered the man, " you owe me, Mr. Barry, a hun- 
dred pounds already, and if you get me up stairs you 
wont let me leave you till you owe me two." 

Moss op. 
874. The late Mr. Mossop the player always spoke 
in heroics. A cobler in Dublin, who once brought 
homo his boots, refused to leave them without the 
money. Mossop returned during the time he was 
disputing, and looking sternly, exclaimed, "Tell me, 
are you the noted colder I have often heard of?" — «.' 
" Yes/' said the fellow, " and I think you the divert- 
ing vagabond I have often seen." 

Shuter. 
875. Ned Shufer was often very poor, and, being 
still more negligent than poor, was careless about his 
dress. A friend overtaking him one day in the street, 
said to him, " Why, Ned ! are you not ashamed to 
walk the streets with twenty holes in your stockings? 
why don't you get them mended?'' — " No, my friend," 
said Ned, "I am above it; and, if you have the 
pride of a gentleman, you will act like me, and walk 
with twenty holes rather than one darn." — " i low the 
deuce do you make that out?" replied the other. 
*' Why," replied Ned, " a hole is the accident of the 
day ; but a darn is premeditated poverty." 

Hull. 
876. Tommy Hull, who is well known to have been 
the apologist-general at Coveut Garden Theatre for 
aoout tive-and-twenty years, took it into his' head, at 



THEATRICAL. 295 

the time of the dispute between Keppel and Palliser, 
to distinguish himself as a lad of liberty. On the 
night when all London was illuminated on Keppel's 
acquittal, he undertook, not only to light up his tene- 
ment in Martlet-court, Bow-street, but to treat the 
populace with small beer. They had drank ail but 
one barrel, which, out of wantonness, because it was 
rather stale, they left running. The door was now 
shut, lest some of the liberty boys should take a fancy 
to the silver spoons. At this they grew clamorous, 
and bawled out very outrageously for some beer. 
Tommy, as was his custom, thinking it high time he 
should now make his appearance, popped his red 
night-cap-head out of the window, and there was im- 
mediately a cry of " Hear him, hear him." When he 
thus begun: — " Ladies and gentlemen, I have the 
misfortune to tell you, that the spiggott is out of the 
faucet, and the small beer is run about the cellar, and 
we humbly hope for your usual indulgence." 

Thornton. 

877. Thornton, the Windsor manager, having con- 
stantly an eye to his interest, one evening, during the 
performance of Richard the Third, gave a tolerable, 
proof of that being his leading principle. Repre- 
senting the crook-back tyrant, he exclaimed : 

" Hence, babbling dreams ! you threaten here in 

vain ! 
Conscience avaunt ! — 
\_Hiai man in the brown wig there has got into the pit 
without paying !] 
Richard's himself again I" 

878. The king having commanded the farce of the 
Quaker, at Windsor, Mr. Thornton, (amongst other 
of his sprightly gambols) performed it without music. 
The next morning he went to Mr. Brawn, one of the 
pages, to apologize for the omission, and to say, he 
hoped his majesty was not offended. " No/' said 



298 THEATRICAL, 

Mr. Brawn, " the king was very much pleased, for it 
made the piece so much shorter ; and he was tired be- 
fore it was half over, as it was." 

ASTLEY (SENR.) 

879. Old Astley, one evening when his band was 
playing an overture, went up to the horn-players, and 
asked why they were not playing. They said they 
had twenty bars rest. " Rest !" says he, " I'll have 
nobody rest in my company ; I pay you for playing, 
not for resting" 

John Kemble. 

880. John Kemble one evening performing Romeo, 
in the scene with the apothecary, gave a new reading, 
and instead of calling out, " What hoa, apothecary V 
in a strong voice, rather whispered the words. The 
gentleman who enacted the meagre apothecary, not 
being apprised of this, when he made his entree, 
asked, as usual, " Who calls so loud?" This threw 
the audience into a little confusion, and rather dis- 
concerted the performers. 

881. When the same great actor once played Ham- 
let, at Lancaster, a comedian, named Davis, acted 
the first grave-digger ; and, as is usual, in provincial 
theatres, he, by his grimace, attracted the attention 
of the audience, making them laugh heartily, to the 
great annoyance of the Danish prince. Kemble, at 
the end of the tragedy, took him aside, told him that 
he intended to take the same play for his benefit in 
the ensuing week, and that he should be obliged to 
Mr. Davis, if he would act the part chastely (of which 
he was very capable), and which no doubt was the 
intention of our immortal bard. This Davis promised 
to do ; but, on the night, that promise was forgotten, 
and he again sought to excite the laughter of his au- 
dience, and with too much success. Mr. Kemble, 
highly exasperated, called out, " lor shame, sir V* 



THEATRICAL. 297 

On which, the other stared him in the face, and very 
deliberately said, " Oh! what you don't like it." Then 
bobbing his head, he suddenly disappeared under the 
stage, like a rabbit burrowing, and left Hamlet and 
Horatio to finish the scene, tite-a-tcte. 

Johnston f. 

882. J. Johnstone had a dispute with the marker 
at a billiard-ia.ik\ in Dublin, about ten shillings and 
a penny, whi< h the latter said he owed for games ; 
hut Johnstone, not recollecting the circumstance, re- 
fused to pay it. sometime afterwaids, performing 
in Cyrnon, where the verses of one of his songs con- 
cluded with, Sing hey dem % y dewy, sing hey derry 
deny/, to his great astonishment, he was always echoed 
by the marker from the gallery, with Pay me, Jack 
Johnstone, my ten and a penny, my ten and a penny. 
This Whimsical way of demanding payment prvoed 
very entertaining to the audience, and most effectu- 
ally answered the marker's expectation, in compel- 
ling Johnstone to pay the debt. 

Rock. 

883. Rock, the comedian, when at Covent Garden, 
advised one of the scene-shifters, who had met with 
an accident, to resort to the plan of a subscription ; 
and a few days afterwards he asked for the list of 
names, which, when he had read it over, he returned. 
" Why, Rock," said the poor fellow, " wont you 
give me something?'' — " Zounds, man/' replied the 
other, '* didn't 1 give you the Jdnt f 

Incledon. 

884. Incledon was present at a party, when Aris- 
totle became the subject of conversation. Some one 
said that there were some beautiful things in Aristotle 
which the more they were contemplated could not 
but be the more admired. " Well," said Mr. S. who 
frequently diverts himself with the conceit and igno- 



298 THEATRICAL. 

ranee of Incledon, " what is your opinion V* — ", My 
opinion is," said he, " that many who talk so much 
of Aristotle have never been near the place," 

Carlini. 

885. An unfortunate man miserably afflicted with 
a hypochondriacal complaint, consulted M. Tronchiu, 
the physician ; " You want amusement, sir, 1 ' said 
Tronchin to him: " go and see Carlini, (the first buf- 
foon of the Neapolitan stage) he will make you laugh, 
and will do you more good than any thing I can 
prescribe for you/ 7 — " AJas, sir/' said the patient, 
*' / myself am Carlini" 

Anonymous and Miscellaneous. 

886. t The following whimsical accident happened, 
the first season of the represention of the Fair Peni- 
tent : — Lothario, after he is kiiled by Altamont in the 
fourth act, lies dead by proxy in the fifth, raised on 
a bier covered with black by the property-man, and 
the face whitened by the barber, the coat and peri- 
wig (for the actors then wore periwigs) generally 
filled by one of the dressers. Most of the capital 
actors in the established theatres have generally a 
dresser to themselves, though they are paid by the 
manager, to be ready on all occasions, for stage 
guards, attendants, &c. Mr. Powell played Lothario, 
and one Warren, his dresser, claimed a right of lying 
for his master, and performing the dead part of Lo- 
thario, which he proposed to act to the best advan- 
tage; though Powell was ignorant of the matter. 
The fifth act began, and went on as usual with ap- 
plause ; but about the middle of the distressful scene, 
Powell called for his man Warren, who as loudly re- 
plied from the bier on the stage, " Here, sir \" Pow- 
ell, who was ignorant of the part his man was per- 
forming, repeated without loss of time, " Come her* 
this moment, you rascal ! or I'll break all the bones 
in your skm/' Warren knew his hasty temper ; 



THEATRICAL. 299 

therefore, without any reply, he jumped off with all 
his sables about him, which unfortunately were tied 
fast to the handles of the bier, and dragged after him. 
But this was not all ; the laugh and roar began in the 
audience, till it frightened poor Warren so much, 
that with the bier at his tail, he threw down Calista 
(Airs. Barry), and overwhelmed her with the table, 
lamps, books, bones, together with all the lumber of 
the charnel-house. lie tugged till he broke off his 
trammels, and made his escape ; and the play at ouce 
ended with immoderate fits of laughter; even the 
grave Mr. Betterton 

l< SmiPd in the tumult, and enjoyed the storm." 

But he would not let the Fair Penitent be played 
any more that season, till poor Warren's conduct was 
somewhat forgot. 

887. A company of strolling players were perform- 
ing Pizzaro, in a city in Scotland, when, during the 
recital of the hymn to the sun, that luminary took 
fire, in consequence of the lights being placed too 
near it. The manager, who was ofiiciating as high 
priest, after singing the word, " O power Supreme V 9 
in the utmost consternation called out to the stage- 
keeper, " The surfs on fire." Then proceeding with 
the hymn, " O power Supreme! — Put out the sun, 1 
say :" the sun however blazed. The manager con- 
tinued to sing and swear, whilst the audience were 
convulsed with laughter. 

888. A certain poet and player, remarkable for his 
impudence and cowardice, happening many years 
ago to have a quarrel with Mr. Powell, another player, 
received from him a smart box on the ear. A few- 
days after, the former having lost his snuff-box, was 
making strict inquiry if any body had seen his box. 
" What," said another of the theatrical punsters 



300 THEATRICAL. 

•• that which George Powel gave you the other 
night." 

889. A country performer, by dint of servile appli- 
cation, prevailed upon Rich to let him make his ap- 
pearance in the character of Hamlet. The man 
shewed himself totally disqualified for the part at his 
first entrance ; but when he came to that celebrated 
soliloquy, he unfortunately wanted to blow his nose, 
but being unprovided with a handkerchief, he had 
recourse to his usual habit of the fingers, which set 
the audience in a roar of laughter, so that it was with 
great difficulty the rest of the play could be dragged 
through. Rich, who stood upon tenter-hooks at the 
side of the scenes, said nothing till the play was over ; 
when, going up to the performer, he exclaimed, 

" Mr. , I believe you to be a very good kind of 

man ; but as to acting, Mr. , you must go and 

blow your nose at some other theatre." 

890. A little journeyman tailor waited upon Gar- 
rick, and requested to be received as a candidate for 
public favour, adding, that he had fixed upon the 
character of Richard the Third for his first appear- 
ance. " What, heh — heh — what — what! Richard 
the Third, say you? Egad, a bold attempt! Have 
you studied the part?" said Garrick. " Yes, sir/' — 
" Rehearse — rehearse a speech then," said Garrick, 
surveying him ail over. The tailor, nothing dismayed, 
got at once into the bustle of Rosworth-field, and 
proceeded in a shrill tremulous treble, to repeat, 

" A thousand hearts are swelling in my bosom ; 
Draw, archers, draw your arrows to the head, 
Spur your proud horses hard, and ride in blood ; 
And thou, our warlike champion, thrice nenowii'd 
St George, inspire me with the rage of lions." 

Just as he came to the words, " rage of lions," his 
eye caught that of Garrick, who had summoned up 



THEATRICAL. 301 

all the terrors of his countenance for that purpose, 
which so dismayed the tailor, that he ran away in 
horror and trepidation/ convinced that he was better 
calculated for the goose and the needle, thau the 
sword of Richard, 

891. While Miss O'Neil was playing Juliet at Co r 
vent-garden Theatre, Mr. Kean was performing 
Romeo at Drury-lane. A gentleman, who had seen 
the tragedy at both houses, called the waiter of a 
coffee-house, to know what the play was at Drury- 
lane Theatre, " Romeo and Juliet, sir." — " And what 
at Covent-garden Theatre V — " Romeo and Juliet, 
sir." — " A plague o' both your houses" 

892. Mrs. D'Arblay wrote a tragedy called Udwy 
unci EJgiva, which was in 1795 brought forward at 
Drury-lane Theatre : but some circumstances occur- 
ring to excite laughter, rather than pity or horror, it 
had the misfortune to be damned. Among the dra- 
matis persona were no less than seven bishops, one of 
whom being arrested for some treasonable practices, 
the king called to his attendants, u Bring in the bi- 
shop," — " Aye," cries a fellow in the gallery, " and 
tnahe it good." Scarcety had the audience got the 
better of the laughter occasioned by this sally, than 
their tragedy-faces were completely got the better of, 
by the following short dialogue between Mrs. Sid- 
dons, in the character of the heroine, and Mrs. Mad- 
docks, as her faithful attendant. 

Siddons, (impatiently) M Where shall I go for 
ease f" 

Maddocks, (softly) " Behind yon hedged 

893. During the representation of the play of Mac- 
beth, at a provincial theatre, an incident occured 
which totally disconcerted all the gravity of the tragic 
muse. In the banquet scene, Ranquo's murderer 
2 D 



30£ THEATRICAL. 

was by some untoward accident missing, and the 
business of the drama was threatened with suspen- 
sion ; when, in the exigency of the moment, an ig- 
norant clown of a candle-snuffer was pushed forward 
to tell the horrid tale. On seeing him, Macbeth, 
who had been motionless with confusion and em- 
barrassment, burst from his state of torpor, and ex- 
claimed, " There's blood upon thy face V* — " Is there," 
said the astonished clown, clapping his hand on his 
cheek, with a mixture of anger and alarm, " then 
that damn'd blunt razor has cutten me again." 

894. A great actress, in a journey to the north, 
travelling with her son through a village, where the} 
stopped Tor the night, by way of passing their time 
they went to see the play of Pizarro enacted in a barn, 
and displayed their merriment on the representation, 
rather ill-naturedly, and to the great mortification 
of the abashed performers. On the conclusion of 
the first act, the fiddler, who composed the band, 
struck up, 

Through all the employments of life, 
Each neighbour abuses his brother; 

which sally kept the critics in a more demure state 
for the remainder of the evening. 

895. In the distracted state of Fleetwood's man- 
agement at Drury Lane, in 1743, though he had the 
advantage of Garriek's powers, as an actor, bailiffs 
were often in possession of the theatre ; and the pro- 
perties, clothes, and other stage ornaments of the 
comedians, were sometimes seized upon by these low 
implements of the law. Many ridiculous contests 
and foolish squabbles between actors and these li- 
censed harpies might here be recorded for the reader's 
amusement; but we shall content ourselves with 
relating one of them. The hat of king Richard III. 



THEATRICAL. 303 

by being adorned with jewels of paste, feathers, and 
other ornaments, seemed to the sheriff's officers a 
prey worthy of their seizure ; but honest Davy, Mr. 
Garrick's Welch servant, told them, they did not 
know what they were about ; " For, look you," said 
Davy, " that hat belongs to the king.'' The fellows 
imagining that what was meant of Richard III. was 
spoken of George II. resigned their prey, though 
with some reluctance. 

896. Mr. C — -, a very useful performer of 

Co vent Garden, but whose talents are generally con- 
fined to the personation of walking gentlemen, when 
he takes his country expeditions, soars to the first 
characters. One day in the green-room he was re- 
lating, with a good deal of consequence, an incident 
that occurred the second time he played Richard, at 
a particular place. " What !" said Harris, " did you 
play it twice in the same town ?" 

897. A person having occasion to mention the late 
Mr Davies, of Covent Garden and the Haymarket 
theatres, called him Kiddy Davies (a nick name 
given him by his brethren). "Kiddy Davies V 9 cried 
Captain Antrobus, with apparent surprise ; " what 
do you mean by Kiddy Davies — he must be Goat 
Davies by this time, for I remember him a Kid these 
forty years/ 7 

898. Once that John Kemble played Hamlet in the 
country, the gentleman who enacted Guildenstern 
was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician. 
Hamlet asks him — ." Will you play upon this pipe V } — 
"■My lord, I cannot."— "I pray you/* — " Believe me, 
I cannot" — " I do beseech you." — " Well, if your 
lordship insists on it, I shall do as well as I can;" and 
to the contusion of Hamlet, and the great amusement 
of the audience, he played God save the King. 

2 D 2 



304 WIT IN LOW LIFE. 

899. In the early display of Mr. Garrick's powers 
at Drury Lane, a tragedy was brought forth, in which 
he sustained the character of an aged king. Though 
there was nothing remarkably brilliant in the play, it 
proceeded without opposition till the fifth act, when 
the dying monarch bequeaths his kingdom to his two 
sons in thb sine: 

" And now between you I bequeath my crown." 

a wicked wit in the pit exclaimed: 

" Ye gods ! he's given them half-a-crown a piece." 

This threw the house into such a comic convulsion, 
that not another word of the piece could be uttered. 

Effects of abbreviation. 

900. Mr. Moody had, at the Bristol Theatre, select- 
ed for his benefit Henry VII! in which an inferior 
performer, Roger Wright, was to enact a part ; but 
not attending the rehearsal, Moody reproached him 
for his inattention to one of Shakespeare's best plays. 
" Best plays J Master Moody," says Roger, " why it 
was damn'd ; look ye here, in the book it is noted in 
the title-page as one of Shakespeare's hist, plays." 



CHAP. X. 

WIT IN LOW LIFE. 

Barbers. 
901. A coxcomb going into a barber's shop, face- 
tiously asked the operator if he had ever shaved a 
monkey. " No, sir," replied the barber with becom- 
ing deference, " I have not, but if vou'll be seated 
I'll trv." 



WIT IN LOW LIFE. 305 

i)02. A barber was lately brought before a justice, 
on a charge of baring stolen a wig-block. In his 
defence, he told the magistrate, that he had no 
occasion to steal one, as his worship himself knew 
that the parish abounded with wig-blocks. 

9C3. An eccentric barber some years ago opened a 
shop under the walls of the King's Bench Prison. 
The windows being broken when he entered it, he 
mended them with paper, on which appeared, 
" Shave for a Penny," with the usual invitation to 
customers ; and over the door was scrawled these 
lines : 

Here lives Jemmy Wright, 
Shaves as well as any man in England, 
Almost — not quite. 

Foote (who loved any thing eccentric) saw these in- 
scriptions, and hoping to extract some wit from the 
author, whom he justly concluded to be an odd cha- 
racter, he pulled oil* his hat, and thrusting his head 
through a paper pane into the shop, called out, " Is 
Jemmy Wright at home?" The barber immediately 
forced his own head through another pane into the 
street, and replied, "No sir, he has just popt out." 
Foote laughed heartily, and gave the man a guinea. 

BLACKSMITHS. 

904. When the son of a certain London banker 
had eloped to Scotland with a great heiress, whom he 
married, still retaining a paternal taste for parsimony, 
he objected to the demand of two guineas made by 
the rivetter at Gretna-Green, stating, that Captain 

— -had reported the canonical charge to be only 

five shillings! — " True," replied Vulcan ; " but Cap- 
tain is an Irishman, and I have already mar- 
ried him five times, so I consider him as a good cus- 
tomer ; but perhaps I may never see your face 
again*'' 

2 D 3 



306 WIT IN LOW LIFE. 

905. After all the advances in the science of meta- 
physics, so much boasted of in the Scotch universi- 
ties, it is not clear that the improvements in it have 
been such as to render obsolete the simple descrip- 
tion of the blacksmith of Glammis : u Twa fouk dis- 
putin thagither ; he that's listenin disna ken what he 
that's speakin means ; and he that's speakin disna 
ken what lie means himsel — that's metaphysics." 

906. About thirty years ago, two brothers went to 
Jamaica: they were by trade blacksmiths, "binding", 
soon after their arrival, that they could do nothing 
without a little money to begin with, but that with 
sixty or eighty pounds they might be able, with in- 
dustry, to get on a little, they hit upon the following 
novel and ingenious expedient. One of them strip- 
ped the other naked, shaved him close, and blacked 
him from head to foot. This being done, he took 
bim to one of the negro-dealers, who, after viewing 
and approving his stout athletic appearance, ad- 
vanced eighty pounds currency upon the bill of sale, 
and prided himself on the purchase, supposing him 
to be one of the finest negroes on the island. The 
same evening this new-manufactured negro made his 
escape to his brother, washed himself clean, and re- 
sumed his former appearance. Rewards were in vain 
oifered in hand-bills, pursuit was eluded, and disco- 
very, by care and precaution, rendered impracti- 
cable. The brothers with the money commenced bu- 
siness, and actually returned to England, not many 
years since, with a fortune of several thousand 
pounds. Previous, however, to their departure from 
the island, they waited upon the gentleman from 
whom they had received the money, and recalling the 
circumstance of the negro to his recollection, paid 
bim both principal and interest, with thanks. 

BUTCHERS. 

$07. A butcher's boy running against a gentleman 



WIT IN LOW LIFE. 307 

with his tray, made him exclaim, " The deuce take 
the tray." — " Sir," said the lad, " the deuce can't take 
the tray? 

CARPENTERS. 

908. When Sir Richard Steele was fitting tip his 
great room in York Buildings, which he intended for 
public orations, he happened, at that time, to be 
pretty much behind-hand with his workmen: and 
coming one day among them, to see how they went 
forward, he ordered one of them to get into the ros^ 
tram, and make a speech, that he might observe how 
it could be heard : the fellow mounting, and scratch- 
ing his pate, told him, he knew not what to say, for, 
in truth he was no orator. "Oh!" said the knight, 
"no matter for that, speak any thing that comes 
uppermost." — " Why here, Sir Richard,* 1 says the 
fellow, " we have been working for you these six 
weeks, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, 
sir, when do you design to pay us?'* — "Very well, 
very well," said Sir Richard, "pray come down; I 
have heard enough, I cannot but own you speak 
very distinctly, though I don't admire your subject." 

COBLERS. 

909. A cobler at Ley den, who used to attend the 
public disputations held at the university, was asked 
if he understood Latin. " No," replied the son of 
St. Crispin, " but I know who is wrong in the argu- 
ment." — " How can that be V inquired his friend. 
" Why, by seeing who is angry first." 

PAVIOURS. 

910. A man of an enormous size passing through 
a street in Oxford where the paviors were at work, 
in the middle of July, the fellows immediately laid 
down their rammers. " Ah ! God bless you master," 
cries one of them, " it was yery kind of you to come 



308 WFT IN LOW LIFE. 

this way, it saves us a great deal of trouble this hot 
weather." 

PEASANTRY. 

911. A countryman was stopped by a revenue of- 
ficer, who took from him two casks of spirits, and 
carrying them to the next town, a distance of fifteen 
miles, was desired by the countryman to stop and 
leave it at the first public house. The officer replied, 
" No ; I have seized it, and it must go to the excise- 
office.^ — " Not so neither, master,'' said the country- 
man, " I have a little bit of paper here, which, if you'll 
take the trouble of reading, will convince you I am 
right." The officer reading his bit of paper, exclaimed, 
*' Why, you rascal, this is a permit ; why did not 
you shew it me sooner?" — "Because/' said he, "if 
I. had, you would not have carried the liquor so far 
for me." 

912. A peasant came into Aurbach's Square, at 
Leipsic, and looked round about him before he ven- 
tured to go into a shop, A shopman called out, 
" Come this way, father; what do you want?" The 
peasant went to him and asked, " What do you sell?" 
41 Do not you see?" replied the shopman; "asses 
heads." — " Faith," replied the countryman, " you 
must have a great demand for them, for I only see 
one left." 

913. Two bucks riding on the western road on a 
Sunday morning, met a lad driving a flock of sheep 
towards the metropolis, when one of them accosted 
him with, " Prithee, Jack, which is the way to 
Windsor?" — "How did you know my name was 
Jack V said the boy, staring in their faces. " We 
are conjurors, young hobnail," said the gentlemen 
laughing. " Oh \ you be ! then you don't want I to 
shew you the way fco Windsor," replied the lad, pur- 
suing his journey. 



AVIT IN LOW LIFE. 809 

914. A countryman, passing along the Strand, saw 
a coach overturned, and asking what the matter was, 
he was told, that three or four members of parliament 
were overturned in that coach. " Oh," says he, 
"then there let 1 hem be, my father always advised 
me not to meddle with state affairs." 

915. A Scotchman, servant to a farmer in Suffolk, 
had butter and cheese set before him with a view 
that he might take either with his bread : he, how- 
ever, thought proper to spread the butter on the 
cheese, and his mistress reproving him for this extra- 
vagance, he said, pointedly, " Deel hae them that 
parted them" 

916. Some rattling young fellows from London, put- 
ting into a country inn, and seeing a plain rough-hewn 
farmer there, says one of them, " You shall see me 
dumb-found that countryman :" so coming up to him, 
he gave his hat a twirl round, saying, " there's half a 
crown for you, countryman." The farmer, after re- 
covering a little from his surprise, reared his oaken 
trowel, and surveying him very gravely, gave him 
two very handsome drubs on the shoulder, saying, 
" I thank you for your kindness, friend, there's two 
shillings of your money back again" 

917. A lad, seeing a gentleman in a public house 
eating eggs, said, " Be so good, sir, as give me a 
little salt."— " Salt, for what?"—" Perhaps, sir, you'll 
ask me to eat an egg, and 1 should like to be ready." 
" What country are you from, my lad ?" — " Vs York- 
shire, sir." — " 1 thought so — well, there, take your 
egg." — "Thank you, sir." — " Well, they are all gre&i 
horse-stealers in your country, are not they?" — " Yes ; 
my father, though an honest man, would think no 
more of taking a horse, than I would of drinking 
your glass of ale," taking it off. " Yes," said the 
gentleman, " I see you are Yorkshire." 



310 WIT IN LOW LITE. 

918. A poor old countryman, who could scarcely 
walk, once passing through Smithfield, was accosted 
by a young coxcomb, who jeeringly offered to take 
him upon his back and carry him. u No," replied the 
old fellow, " no, not so, I shall purchase an ass next 
market-day." 

Servants. 

919. Doctor M , formerly master of Christ's 

College, Cambridge, sent for the cook to give him a 
reprimand. The cook, seeing the doctor in a great 
passion, ran down stairs as fast as he could, and 
went out of the college gate, where he met the tailor, 
whom he called, ami told him that he must immedi- 
ately go up and take down the master's choler. The 
doctor, not having got over the heat of his passion 
when the tailor knocked at the door, asked very 
roughly, who was there? " It is I, sir," said the tai- 
lor ; " the cook told me that you had sent for me to 
take down your collar." 

920. As Dean Swift was once upon a journey, at- 
tended by a servant, they put up at an inn, where 
they lodged all night. In the morning the dean called 
for his boots ; the servant immediately took them to 
him. ik How is this Tom V said he ; " my boots are 
not cleaned." — " No, sir/' replied Tom, " as you are 
going to ride, J thought they would soon be dirty 
again." — " Very well," said the doctor, " go and get 
the horses ready." In the mean time the dean or- 
dered the landlord not to let his man have any break- 
fast. When the servant returned, he asked if the 
horses were ready. " Yes, sir," was the answer. 
" Go and bring them out then/' said the dean. "I 
have not had my breakfast yet, sir," replied Tom. 
■" Oh ! no matter for that," said the dean ; " if you 
had, you would soon be hungry again." They 
mounted and rode off: as they rode the dean pulled 
a book out of his pocket and began to read. A gen- 



WIT IN LOW LIFE. 311 

tleman met them, and, seeing the doctor reading, 
was not willing to disturb him, but passed by till he 
met the servant. " Who is that gentleman?" said h© 
to the man. "My master, sir/' said Tom. "I 
know that, you blockhead, but where are you go- 
ing?" — " We are going to heaven, sir," said Tom. 
" How do you know that I" said the gentleman, 
" Because I am fasting, and my master is praying/' 

921, A friend of Dean Swift one day sent him a 
turbot as a present, by a servant who had frequently 
been on similar errands, but had never yet received 
the most trifling mark of the dean's generosity. 
Having gained admission, he opened the door of the 
study, and abruptly putting down the fish, cried very 
rudely, " Master has sent you a turbot." — " Heyday ! 
young man," said the dean rising from his easy chair, 
" is that the way you deliver your message ? Let me 
teach you better manners; sit down in my chair, we 
will change situations, and I will shew you how to 
behave in future." The boy sat down, and the dean, 
going to the door, came up to the table, with a re- 
spectful pace, and making a low bow, said, .*' Sir, 
my master presents his kind compliments, hopes your 
reverence is well, and begs your acceptance of a tur- 
bot." — "Does he?" replied the boy; " here, John, 
(ringing) take this honest lad down into the kitchen, 
and give him as much as he can eat and drink; then 
send him up to me, and I will give him half a 
crown." 

922. A lady told her butler to be saving of an ex- 
cellent cask of small beer, and asked him how it 
might be best preserved. '* I know no method so ef- 
fectual, my lady," replied the butler, " as placing a 
barrel of good ale by it." 

923. A lady of rank, proudly conscious of her dig- 
nity, one day descanting on the superiority of the 



Sl£ WIT IN LOW LIFE. 

nobility, remarked to a large company of visitors, 
that the three classes of the community, nobility, gen- 
try, and comonalky, might very well be compared to 
the tea-drinking utensils, china, delph, and crockery. 
A few minutes elapsed, when one of the company 
expressed a wish to see the lady's little girl, who was 
in the nursery. John, the footman, was dispatched 
with orders to the nursery-maid, to whom he called 
out from the bottom of the stairs, in an audible voice, 
" Hollo, Crockery, bring down Little China/' 

924, The late Sir Thomas Robinson, whose com- 
pany might generally have been dispensed with, fre- 
quently calling at the house of a gentleman high in 
office, where he was considered as a disagreeable 
visitor, and not chnsing to take the hint of ** My 
master and mistress are out/' &c. would often get 
admission by the following pretences, and then wait 
until the person he wished to see made his appear- 
ance — " O ! not at home! — well, I'll just step in and 
chat with the children," or " I'll have a talk with the 
parrot,' 7 or " I'll just take the opportunity of setting 
my watch by the great clock on the stair-case." One 
morning, however, the servant was prepared, and 
seeing him from the window advancing towards the 
house, opened the door at the moment he knocked, 
and keeping it nearly closed, said, in a louder tone 
than ordinary, " Oh, sir! my master and mistress 
are both out — -the children are all asleep — the parrot 
is dead— and the clock stands." 

925. Messier Currado, of Maples, had 'a servant 
named ChinchiJIo, who, one night, to treat his mis- 
tress, cut off the leg of a crane that was roasting tor 
his master's supper, who thereupon asked him what 
was become of the crane's other leg. Chinchillo im- 
mediately swore that cranes had but one leg. The 
next morning, as he was riding behind his master, he 
made him, in order to convince him that he was right* 



WIT IN LOW LIFE. 313 

observe several cranes at roost upon one leg ; but his 
master shouting, they put down their other leg; where* 
upon Chinehillo perceiving that his master was angry, 
cried out, " How lucky it was that you did not shout 
last night ! for your crane would have put down the 
other leg, and have flown away as these did, and 
your supper would have gone too." 

926. Dean Swift's servant was one time hesitating 
some foolish excuse to his master, when the dean, 
observing his embarrassment, said to him, " What 
signifies all this shuffling? tell me a round lie at 
once :" which the fellow did with so good a grace, 
that the dean put his hand in his pocket, and gave 
him half a crown for his readiness and dexterity. 

027. Fletcher, of Sal town, is well known to have 
possessed a most irritable temper. His footman de- 
siring to be dismissed. ** Why do 3 ou leave me V 
said he : " Because, to speak the truth, I cannot bear 
your temper." — " To be sure," said Fletcher, " I am 
passionate, but my passion is no sooner on than it is 
off." — " Yes," replied the servant, " but then it is no 
sooner off, than it is on." 

928. Mallet was so fond of being thought a sceptic, 
that he indulged this weakness on all occasions. His 
wife, it is said, was a complete convert to his doc- 
trines, and even the servants stared at their master's 
bold arguments, without being poisoned by their in- 
fluence. One fellow, however, who united a bad 
heart to an unsettled head, was determined to prac- 
tice what Mallet was so solicitous to propagate, and 
robbed his master's house. Being pursued, and 
brought before a justice, Mallet attended, and taxed 
him severely with ingratitude and dishonesty. " Sir," 
said the fellow, M I have often heard you talk of the 
impossibility of a future state ; that, after death, 
there was neither reward for virtue, nor punishment 
for vice, and this tempted me to commit the rob- 
2 E 



314 WIT IN LOW LIFE. 

faery." — " Well ! but you rascal," replied Mallet, 
" had you no fear of the gallows?" — " Master," said 
the culprit, looking sternly at him, " what is it to 
you, if I had. a: mind to venture that? You had 
removed my greatest terror ; why should I fear the 
iess ?" 

929. A gentleman having called his servant to as- 
sist him in dressing, the latter, who had been em- 
ployed in some dirty work, came up all over dust. 
The master in a rage took up a cane, and was going 
to lay it over the fellow's back, when he cried out, 
" Sir, sir, if you wish to dust my coat, I beg you 
will let me take it off first." 

930. A country gentleman walking in his garden, 
saw his gardener asleep under an arbour. " What!" 
said he, <w asleep instead of at work; you idle dog, 
you are not worthy that the sun should shine on 
you." — " I am truly sensible of my unworthiness," 
answered the man, " and therefore I laid myself down 
in the shade" 

931. A formal fellow, inquiring for Mr. Owen, 
asked a servant if Mr. O — n was at home? " N— o," 
replied the boy. 

932. A gentleman, complaining of a misfortune, 
said — It was owing to that drunken sot his man, 
who could not keep himself sober." — " With defer- 
ence to your worship," said the fellow, " I know 
very few drunken sots that do keep themselves 
sober." 

Chairmen. 

933. As Dr. Glover was returning from a tavern 
across Covent Garden, a chairman cried out, u Chair, 
your honour, chair!" Glover took no notice, but 
called his dog, who was a good way behind, " Scrub, 



WIT IN LOW LIFE. 315 

Scrub, Scrub/' — " Och, by my soul," said the chair- 
man, " there goes a pair of you." 

Coachmen. 

934. A haelcney-coachman seeing a certain man of 
the ton driving; four in hand down Bond-street, said — 
" That fellow looks like a coachman, but drives like 
a -gentleman." 

Porters. 

935. A gentleman thinking* he was charged too 
mnch by a porter for the delivery of a parcel, asked 
him what his name was, " My name/' replied the 
man " is the same as my father's." — '* And what is 
his name ?" said the gentleman. " It is the same as 
mine." — " Then what are both your names ?" — -" Why 
they are both alike," answered the man again, and 
very deliberately walked off. 

936. A gentleman having sent a porter on a mes- 
sage, which he executed much to his satisfaction, 
had the curiosity to ask his name, and was informed 
it w r as Russel : " Pray," said the gentleman, " is your 
coat of arms the same as the Duke of Bedford's?" — 
" As to our arms, your honour," said the porter, " I 
believe they are pretty much alike; but there is a 
deal o£ difference between our coats." 

Chimney-swe epers. 

937. A couple of sweeps having occasion to pass 
the new bridge at Manchester, unluckily could mus- 
ter only a single halfpenny between them. How to 
raise the other halfpenny to pay the toil they knew 
not, till one of them proposed to toss up which should 
carry the other over. This being done— oive was in- 
stantly crammed into the bag, and lugged over on the 
shoulders of the other as a burden of soot. 

938. The following curious circumstance occurred 

2 E 2 



316 WIT IN LOW LIFE, 

a few years ago at a country village, near Horn* 
castle, in Lincolnshire. A boy, belonging to a chim- 
ney-sweeper at Louth, taking his usual rounds in 
the country, called at a farm house in the above vil- 
lage, late in the evening ; but it not being convenient 
to employ him till the morning following, the farmer 
informed him he might, if he thought proper, sleep 
in his barn, which he very readily agreed too. He 
accordingly made himself a comfortable bed among 
the straw and went to rest. Some time in the night, 
he was awakened by two men entering the barn with 
a Ian thorn and candle, and each of them a sack ; he 
immediately supposing they were not about their 
lawful business, lay still to watch their motions, when 
they began to consult how they might place the light 
till they had filled their sacks from the corn heap ; 
seeing they were at a loss how to proceed, he crept 
softly from his couch, and with an audible voice, 
said, " Gentlemen, I'll hold the candle/' Turning 
round suddenly, they beheld the knight of the brush, 
in his sable robes, and supposing him to be a messen- 
ger from the infernal regions come to assist them, 
threw down their sacks and lanthorns, and immedi- 
ately decamped. 

939. The Earl of Ormond, (whose family name 
is Butler) and the Hon. Mr. Cooke, encountered a 
chimney-sweeper one morning in the streets of Dub- 
lin. His lordship accosted the merry gentleman with 
•"Well, Sooterkins, what news from hell?"— •" No- 
thing/' replied the gentleman in black, *' but that 
the Devil stands in need of a Cook and a Butler" 

940. A chimney-sweeper in a certain borough town, 
being one of the last voters at a contested election, 
was strongly pressed by each candidate to honour 
him with his vote. The fehow, who was for some 
time at a loss to tell which fine gentleman most me- 
rited his suffrage, at last recollecting that he had 



WIT IN LOW LIFE. 31? 

often heard of kissing hands among great folks, de- 
clared that he would not vote for either unless they 
would kiss his hand. One of them accordingly came 
forward, and having vainly endeavoured to persuade 
the sweep to dispense with so disagreeable a ce- 
remony, actually saluted his sooty fingers ; after 
which, confidently claiming the expected reward : 
" No, no/' says the chimney-sweeper, " I shan't vote 
for you, for I am very sure that he that would kiss 
my hand, would kiss any minister's b — k — de." 

941. There happened a very whimsical affair, in 
1761, at Tolouse. Tour Savoyard chimney-sweepers, 
having finished every thing in the way of their profes- 
sion, and not having a penny left, took a resolution 
to enlist for soldiers. Accordingly, they received two 
Louis d'ors each ; but the officer thought it necessary, 
by way of precaution, to lock them in a kitchen with 
some ilaggons of wine. As long as the liquor lasted, 
they were quiet enough ; but as soon as it was ex- 
hausted, they began to think of making their escape. 
They were not long in settling that point. There 
was a large chimney before them, which they 
mounted with their usual dexterity; and being fairly 
got to the top of the house, they held a council of 
war, when it was unanimously resolved to go down 
another chimney. The first tumbled into a great 
fire, out of which he jumped covered with soot into 
the middle of the room, and was immediately fol- 
lowed by his three companions. The place happened 
to be a gaming-house, and the operators at the great 
table, taking the adventurers for so many devils 
starting out of the fire, ran down stairs as fast as they 
could, leaving their money, to the amount of twelve 
hundred iivres, behind them. This the Savoyards 
seized, and in an instant re-mounted the chimney, 
and running over the tops of the houses, descended 
again into their old apartment, just as the officer 
opened the door with some provisions. They offered 
2 e 3 



318 WJT IN LOW LIFE. 

him his money again with a handsome profit, which 
he accepted; and then they returned to their own 
country, much richer than they could ever expect to 
be hy their occupation. 

Linkboy. 

942. Pope's oath was, " God mend me." A link- 
hoy, to whom he had refused a penny, looking at his 
diminutive crooked stature, cried out, " God mend 
you, indeed ! it would be less trouble to make a new 
one." 

Negroes and other Slaves, and Savages- 

943. Soon after the settlement of New England, 
Governor Dudley, taking a walk, met a stout Indian 
begging, and saying he could get no work. The 
governor told him to go to his house, and he would 
give him work. " But," said the negro, u why you 
no work, massa ?" — " O," said the governor, " my 
head works." He, however, turned out an idle good- 
for-nothing fellow, and his master found it necessary 
one day to have him flogged. With this view he gave 
him a ietter, desiring him to carry it to the keeper of 
the workhouse. The negro, suspecting its contents, 
committed it to the care of one of his comrades, who 
got a sound whipping for his trouble. The governor 
having learned this, asked Mungo why he did so. 
•* O, massa," said he, " head work." 

944. A Scotch merchant, in the Island of Jamaica, 
had, among his slaves, one whom he very much dis- 
liked, and treated with the greatest severity; so that 
a mutual dislike soon grew on the part of Quashy, 
not only to his master, but to all Scotchmen. Sunday 
being his holiday, he bought at the water side some 
fry (a small fish like shrimps), and called past his 
master's door, " Fine Scotchmen, all alive I Scotch- 
men! buy my Scotchmen!" His master in a rage 
calls him, " What have you there?" — * Scotchmen, 



WIT IN LOW LIFE. 319 

massa/' — " Let me look. Why, you rascal, these 
are shrimps; how dare you call them Scotchmen V — 
" Oh, massa, looka here, dem stick together like 
Scotchmen ; come one, come twenty, every time." 
His master did not forget the first opportunity to 
scratch QuashVs back. After some time, the master 
was laid on his death-bed. Touched with remorse at 
the reflection of the severity he had treated this poor 
creature with, he sent for him to the bed-side. 
" Weil, Quashy, I am going to die/* — " Oh, massa, 
no kickeraboo yet." — " \es, I must. I now feel I 
have been too harsh with you." — " Oh, massa, you 
flog me like a devil !"— " To make you amends, FJ1 
leave you your freedom." — " Bless you heart, massa/' 
— " Any thing else can you ask of me ?" — " Yes, 
massa, one little favour : when Quashy dead, let him 
bury close alongside of yon/'-*- " Affectionate crea- 
ture ! But why so?" — u Because, when the devil 
come, he will be so busy about you, he forget 
Quashy." 

945. A negro in the island of St. Christopher had 
so cruel a master, that he dreaded the sight of him. 
After exercising much tyranny among his slaves, the 
planter died, and left his son heir to his estates. Some 
short time after his death, a gentleman meeting the 
negro, asked hi in how his young master behaved. 
" I suppose/ 7 said he, " he's a chip of the old block V> 
— " No," said the negro, *• massa be all block him- 
self." 

946. Dr. Franklin, when last in England, used 
pleasantly to repeat an observation of his negro ser- 
vant, when the doctor was making the tour of Der- 
byshire, Lancashire, &c. " Every thing, massa, work 
in this country ; water work, wind work, firework, 
smoke work, 1 dog work, man work, woman work, 
bullock work, horse work, ass work; every thing work 
here but de- hog ; he eat, he drink, he sleep, he do 



320 WIT IN LOW LIFE. 

nothing all day ; de hog be the only gentleman in 
England." 

947. A negro servant being asked what colour he 
believed the devil was ? " Why," replied the African, 
" the white men paint him black, we say he is white ; 
but from his great age, and being called Old Nick, I 
should suppose him grey." 

948. A vessel having arrived in the river from the 
West Indies, the captain's servant, a negro boy, was 
sent on shore on a Sunday forenoon, and observing a 
number of persons resorting to a baker's shop, and 
each throwing down a penny and carrying away a 
pie, he returned on board, exclaiming, " Massa, 
massa ! give me one penny, and I will bring you one 
great big pie/' His master did not understand what 
lie meant, but having a mind to humour him, gave 
him a penny. He ran to the baker's, threw* down his 
money, and the woman asking which was his, he 
picked out the largest, crying out, " Dis my pie, dis 
my pie ;" and the woman, helping him to get it on his 
head, he carried it aboard, to the astonishment of the 
captain, and no doubt to the sad disappointment of 
the owner. 

949. Two negroes meeting in a dram-shop in 
Jamaica, called for a bowl of grog. When it was 
made, one fellow took up the bowl, and after drink- 
ing two-thirds of their contents, cried, " Hem ! hem ! 
hem ! Massa, dis here too strong, do put little more 
water here." — " Tay, massa," said the other, " no be 
in such hurre, let me cry hem too." 

950. A West Indian, who had a remarkably fiery 
nose, having fallen asleep on his sofa, a negro boy, 
who was in waiting, observed a musquito hovering 
round his face. Quashy eyed the insect very atten- 
tively ; at last he saw him alight on his master's nose, 



WIT IN LOW LIFE. 321 

and immediately fly off. " Ah, d — n yon heart," ex- 
claimed the negro ; i4 me d — n glad to see you burn 
you foot/' 



Barbers. 

951. A barber in the country having married a wo- 
man who had a fortune of twenty pounds left her by 
an old mistress, happened 1o call in upon an old ac- 
quaintance who kept a school. Just as he entered, 
one of the boys was reading the following passage in 
the New Testament — " It is easier for a camel to go 
through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to 
enter the kingdom of God." On hearing this the 
poor barber turned pale, started back, and exclaimed 
with tears in his eyes, " If that is the case, the Lord 
have mercy upon me, what will become of my poor 
soul?" 

952. A barber having a dispute with a parish clerk, 
on a point of grammar, the latter said it was a down- 
right barbarism. 4< What," replied the other, u do 
you mean to insult me ? Barbeiism ! I'd have you to 
know a barber speaks as good English any day as a 
parish clerk." 

953. A barber shaving a thin-faced man, put his 
finger into his mouth, to push out the hollow of his 
cheek, and happening to make a slip, cut through the 
poor fellow's face. " Oh, curse your lantern jaws," 
cried the barber, " I've cut my linger." 

954. A gentleman coming into a barber's shop to 
be shaved, was tormented by the fellow's finical 
manners and insignificant garrulity. " In what man- 
ner would your honour be shaved?" exclaimed the 
tonscur. " If possible,'' replied the gentleman, " in 
silence." 



32£ WIT IN LOW LIFE. 

955. A Highlander who sold brooms went into a 
barber's shop in Glasgow, a few days since, to get 
shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, 
after having shaved him, asked the price of it. " Two- 
pence," said the Highlander. " No, no," said the 
barber, " I'll give you a penny ; if that does not sa- 
tisfy you, take your broom again/' The Highlander 
took it, and asked what he had got to pay? "A 
penny/' said strap. " I'll gie you a baubee," said 
Duncan, " an' if that dinua satisfy ye, ye may put 
on my beard again." 

Carpenters. 

956. A gentleman having sent for his carpenter's 
servant to knock a nail or two in his study, the fellow, 
after he had done, scratched his ears, and said, " He 
hoped the gentleman would give him something to 
make him drink."—" Make you drink !" said the 
gentleman, " there is a pickled herring for you, and if 
that wont make you drink, I'll give you another." 

Millers. 

957. As a poor miller was riding on his ass, he 
stopped to look at a grand procession, which so occu- 
pied his attention, that he did not observe two men 
who played him the following trick. Having cut the 
girths of his saddle, they supported it by two poles 
while they drew the ass back wards from under him. 
The procession being over, the miller gave his cus- 
tomary kick, but rinding the deficiency, exclaimed, to 
the great astonishment of the by-standers, " Bless me ! 
where is my ass f 

Peasantry. 

958. An ignorant clown, who had the reputation of 
being a great scholar in the country, because he could 
readjand write, coming to London, and inquiring into 
all the strange things he saw, at last read on a sign- 
post, " Here are horses to be let, 1748." — " Jehu," said 



WIT IN LOW LIFE. 323 

he ; " if there are so many horses in one inn, how many 
are there in the whole city V 

959. A country fellow left his village, and went to 
Weymouth, for the loyal purpose of beholding his 
most sacred and august majesty. On his return 
home, he was asked by his neighbour if the sight had 
answered his expectations. " Loch !" said the clod- 
hopper, " I was never so disappointed in all my life; 
why, do you know, now, that his arms were for all the 
world like the arms of any of us common men ; and 
I wish I may die if I hadn't heard a thousand times, 
that the arms of the king were a lion and an unicornis 

9Q0. The following whimsical circumstance oe-» 
curred some little time ago in Hampshire, and is a 
complete model of ignorant simplicity. A gentle- 
man in the neighbourhood of R , was so far 

reduced by a violent attack of illness, that his life 
was despaired of: — the most eminent practitioners 
in physic had attended, and had nearly lost all 
hopes, when fortunately a medical gentleman who 
resided in the neighbourhood was called in, who, by 
pursuing a directly opposite course to that of bis 
brothers in physic, soon effected a cure, and the pa- 
tient's health was perfectly re-established. This al- 
most miraculous recovery occasioned a great deal of 
conversation in the village ; and, among other things, 
it was remarked, at a farmer's house, that this cure 
would be a feather in the doctor's cap." An honest 
ignorant Tonny Lumpkin, who was present, going 
home soon afterwards, by way of a piece of news, 
said, " Ecod, our doctor will be main smart now, for 
I hear as how^ Mr. — - has given him a feather to 
wear in his cap." 

961. A countryman lately went to a celebrated 
tooth-drawer, to have a tooth extracted. Being 
seated^ the dentist looked into his mouth, and seeing 



324 ' WIT IN LOW LIFE, 

nothing like decay in any, asked which was the tooth 
to bo drawn ? The countryman, with a look of native 
simplicity, replied, " It signifies nought, zir, which 
you ta'en out, lor Fve had no much use for ony ov'em 
sum toime past/ 

962. A gentle sprinkle of rain happening to fall, a 
plough-boy left his work, and went home ; but his mas- 
ter seeing him there, told him he should not have left 
his work for so trifling an affair, and begged for the fu- 
ture he would stay till if rained downright, A day or 
two afterwards proving a very rainy day, the boy 
staid till dusk, and being almost drowned, his mas- 
ter asked him why he did not come before ? " Why 
I should," says the boy, " but you zed I shou'dn't 
come hoam vore it rained downright ; and it has not 
rained downright yet, for it was aslaunt all day long/' 

063. A peasant, employed to draw timber from a 
wood, met with an oak trunk, so large and heavy that 
his tackle broke twice in attempting to place it on 
the sledge. Hodge flung his hat on the ground, and 
scratching his head, with much vexation exclaimed, 
" The deuce take the hogs that didn't eat thee when 
thee was an acorn, and then I should not have had 
this trouble with thee." 

964. A poor boy was asked what three things he 
would have, if he could obtain them for wishing? 
" First,'* said he, 4C I would have as much fat bacon as 
J could eat ; next, I would have as much ale as I could 
drink : w puzzled for a third object of happiness, he at 
last said — " hang it! I would have a little more ale," 

965. Two countrymen, who had never seen a play, 
nor had any idea of one, went to the theatre in Drury- 
lane, where they placed themselves snug in the gallery. 
They were delighted with the first and second music ; 
at length the curtain drew up, and two or three actors 



WIT IN LOW LIFE. 325 

entered to begin the play ; upon which one of the 
countrymen said to the other — " Come, WiD, let us 
be going, mayhap the gentlemen are talking about 
business/' 

966. An ignorant young fellow being about to be 
married, resolved to make himself perfect in the re- 
sponses of the service ; but by mistake got by heart 
the office of baptism for riper years ; so when he was 
asked in the church — 4k Wilt thou have this woman, 
&c." he answered, " I renounce them all." The cler- 
gyman said, " I think you are a fool :" to which he 
replied, " AH this I stedfastly believe." 

967. A scholar meeting a poor ignorant peasant on 
the road, " How far, friend/ 7 said he, " is it to Cam- 
bridge ?" — u By my faith, master/' says the man, " I do 
not know, but Cambridge to this town is counted seven 
miles/' 

968. A blacksmith of a village murdered a man 
and was condemned to be hanged : the chief peasants 
of the place joined together, and begged the Alcade 
that the blacksmith might not suffer, because he was 
necessary to the place, which could not do without a 
blacksmith to shoe horses, mend wheels, &c. But the 
Alcade said, " How then can I fulfil justice?" A la- 
bourer answered, " Sir, there are two weavers in the 
village, and for so small a place one is enough ; hang 
the other." 

969. A countryman coming into a bookseller's shop 
to buy a Bible, the boy shewed him one which had a 
patch on the cover: the countryman was displeased 
at that, and would see more; on which the matter 
came out, asking his servant what the man would 
have? " Sir," said the boy, " he wants a Bible, a 
does not like this." Then the master looking on it, 
" Why, sirrah," said he to his apprentice, " have I but 

2f 



3Q6 WIT IN LOW LIFE. 

one double-covered Bible in all my shop, that you 
must shew every one this?" — "Q pray, 7 ' said the 
countryman, " let me have it by all means, if it be 
double covered, for I would fain have a lasting one." 
And so he paid the price very willingly. 

Servants. 

970. A gentleman, alighting at the gate of a villa, 
gave his horse to a servant of the family to hold. Poor 
Martin, having been up all night, fell asleep. In this 
state a man thought he might ease him of his charge, 
and slipping the bridle off' the head of the horse, he 
led him away, leaving the bridle in the keeper's hand. 
Martin being suddenly awaked by a call from his mas- 
ter, stupid with surprise exclaimed — " I am either 
Martin, or I am not ; if I am Martin, I have lost a 
horse ; if I am not Martin, I have found a bridle/' 

971. Tobacco was firt brought into repute in Eng- 
land by Sir Walter Raleigh. By the caution he took 
of smoking it privately, he did not intend it should be 
copied. But sitting one day, in deep meditation, with 
a pipe in his mouth, he inadvertently called to his man 
to bring a tankard of small beer. The fellow, coming 
into the room, threw all the liquor into his master's 
face, and running down stairs bawled out — " Fire ! 
Help ! Sir Walter has studied till his head is on fire, 
and the smoke bursts out at his mouth and nose V 

972. A country boy having been hired by a gentle- 
man of some rank in town, endeavoured, to the ut- 
most of his power, to make himself useful, and avoid 
the necessity of being so frequently told of many tri- 
fling things, as country lads generally are. This offi- 
ciousness, however, once operated rather to his disad- 
vantage : his master had sent him down stairs for two 
bottles of wine; when he came into the parlour with 
them, he said to him — " Well, John, have you shook 
them J", The poor boy, ever anxious to please, re- 



WIT IN LOW LIFE. 3£7 

plied — " No, sir ; but I will ;" and began shaking the 
bottles with all possible violence. 

973. A nobleman, coming down in the summer to 
his country-seat, was talking familiarly with his butler: 
" And how have you been," said he, " since we left 
you F — " Why my lord," replied he, " I have been 
pretty well lately ; but, for near two months in the 
winter, I had a very dreadful ague at your lordship's 
service." 

974. Dr. Heylin, a noted author, especially for his 
Cosmography, happening one day to lose his way going 
to Oxford, in the forest of Wichwood, being then at- 
tended by one of his brother's men, the man earnestly 
entreated him to lead the way; but the doctor telling 
him he did not know it ; — " How !" said the fellow, 
" that's very strange, that you who have made a book 
ot the whole world, cannot find the way in this little 
wood." 

Coachmen. 

975. A hackney coachman having put up his horses, 
took out the money he had received during the day 
to make a conscientious division between his master 
and himself. " There/ 7 says he, " is one shilling for 
master, and one for me/' and so on alternately, till 
there remained an odd shilling. Here he hesitated, 
when the master, who was a concealed spectator, 
said, " I think, Thomas, you may allow me the odd 
shilling for keeping the horses." 

Carmen. 

976. A fellow once standing on the pillory at Tem- 
ple Bar, it occasioned a stop, so that a carman, with 
a load of cheeses, had much ado to pass ; and driving 
just up to the pillory, he asked what that was that 
was wrote over the person's head ? they told him it 
was a paper to signify his crime, that he stood there 

2f2 



328 WIT IN LOW LIFE. 

for forgery. " Ay," said he, " what is forgery?" They 
answered him, that forgery was counterfeiting ano- 
ther's hand, with an intent to cheat people ; to which 
the carman replied, looking up to the offender, u Oh ! 
this comes of your reading and writing, you silly dog." 

Porters. 

977. A porter going to Mr. Blast's house one day 
with a load upon his back, said to a gentleman that he 
met in the B ay market, " Pray, your honour, can you 
tell me where Mr. Blast lives?"—" Mr. Blast! Blast 
did you say?" replied the gentleman. " Yes, Blast, 
your honour," said the porter. This odd connexion 
of words, though not intended to give any offence, so 
irritated the gentleman, that he not only refused to 
give the porter information, but in a rage gave him a 
hearty drubbing with his cane. 

978. A merchant in the city, not long ago, dis- 
charged a porter, on account of his being deficient 
in orthography. The poor man, it seems, wanted a 
favour of his master, and wrote a letter to .him; but 
instead of " Honoured sir/' he unfortunately wrote, 
" Horned sir." 

979. An ignorant porter had been placed as sentinel 
at the door of an assembly, with strict injunctions to 
let no one come in without a ticket. A man of fa- 
shion presently came, and was repulsed as having no 
ticket. " You must not come in here, sir," said the 
porter, " that is my order." — " Oh, oh," replied the 
other, " is that your order? I do not want to come 
in here ; all I want is to go out here." — " Nay, nay, I 
dare not refuse you that," said the porter, and pushed 
him into the room himself. 

Chimney Sweepers. 

980. A buck of a highwayman was hanged along 
with a chimney-sweeper. When the ordinary was 



WIT IN LOW LIFE. 329 

reading the preparatory prayers, the latter pushed 
rather rudely on the former to listen to the parson. 
" You dirty rascal," said the highwayman, " what do 
you mean pressing on me X\ The poor sweep replied, 
u I have as good a right here as you." 

Shoe-blacks. 

981. A shoe-black meeeting a hackney-coachman 
on a very fine sun-shiny day, in the middle of No- 
vember, accosted him with, " All's bad still, Tom ; 
all's bad yet, for you and I ; here's another of these 
confounded fine days." 

Watchmen, &e. 

982. A watchman, in going his round, was sadly 
perplexed to find a proper character for the weather, 
for he was saluted by hail, rain, and snow, at the same 
time ; he therefore made the following sensible pro- 
clamation : " Past four o'clock, and a queer morning." 

983. A party who had been rather over-done by the 
potentiality of their beverage at a tavern in Leaden- 
hall-street, staggered out of the house while the 
watchman was crying past three o'clock. This so 
much offended one of the company, that he insisted 
on the poor fellow's altering his tone, and announcing 
it to be past eleven o'clock. The watchman imme- 
diately complied, but being at some loss how to finish 
his sentence, said, " Pray, gentlemen, what sort of 
weather would you choose to have ?" 

984. King James keeping his court at Theobalds in 
the time of the plague, several constables were sta-> 
tioned about the palace, to hinder the people from 
crowding thither. One morning, a plain dressed gen- 
tleman coming near the palace, was stopped by a 
constable, who demanded what lord he belonged 
unto, taking him for a servant. The gentleman rea- 
dily replied^ " To the Lord Jehovah f upon which 

2 F 3 



330 WIT IN LOW LIFE. 

the constable, turning to his brother officers, asked if 
they knew any such lord? They replied in the nega- 
tive ; but the constable being unwilling to shew his 
ignorance or want of court breeding, said, " Let him 
pass ; he belongs to some Scotch lord or other/' 

Pedlars. 

985. An itinerant pedlar, wishing to recommend 
his razors to the gaping crowd, thus addressed them : 
— w Gentlemen, the razors I hold in my hand were 
made in a cave by the light of a diamond in the fa- 
mous province of Andalusia in Spain. They cut as 
quick as thought, and are as bright as the morning- 
star. A word or two more, and 1 am certain you will 
buy them : lay them under your pillow at night, and 
you will find yourself clean shaved when you wake in 
the morning/' 

Showmen. 

986. A showman, exhibiting at Eton, pointed out ? 
in his box, all the crowned heads in the world, and 
being asked by the school-boys, who looked through 
the glass, which was the emperor? which the pope? 
which the sultan? and which the great mogul? ex- 
claimed, eagerly, " Which you please, young gentle- 
men, which you please." 

Sharpers. 

987. A notorious culprit, who suffered some years 
since at Salisbury, and the last of three brothers who 
had been executed for similar offences, after sentence 
was passed, said, " My lord, I humbly thank you/' 
His lordship astonished, asked him for what ? "Be- 
cause, my lord, I thought I should have been hung in 
chains, which would have been a disgrace to the family/' 

988. A malefactor, near his death, was asked by a 
fellow-sufferer what were his thoughts of a future 
world: "Very indifferent/' replied he. " Why?" 



WIT IN LOW LIFE. 331 

asked the other: u Because," replied he, " as there is 
nobody can carry 7 any thing away with them, there 
will be few pockets to pick." 

989. A fellow, going to be hanged on Kennington 
Common, begged to be allowed to stop at the Horns, 
to get a glass of gin. Having drank it, he told ihe 
landlord, " I have no change, but I'll pay you as I 
come back/ 7 

990. A rogue asked charity, on pretence of being 
dumb. A lady having asked him, with equal sim- 
plicity and humanity, a how long have you been 
dumb," he was thrown off his guard, and answered, 
" Five years, madam." 

991. Some time since a journeyman tailor was at- 
tacked, at a place called Edgehill, near Liverpool, 
by three villains, who robbed him of his week's 
wages. They had just quitted him, when one of 
them said, " That fellow has a better coat than mine. 
We must go back again." They seized him again, 
stripped him, and put on him the coat of one of the 
robbers. They had scarce left hiin, when he heard 
them swearing that they must have him again* The 
poor fellow, concluding that they meant to take his 
life, endeavoured to save himself by flight, in doing 
which he tumbled into a ditch. The robbers passed 
him at full speed, swearing, that the devil must have 
flown away with him. He laid snug for some time, 
and then venturing out, made his way to a farm 
house at a little distance ; related the affair to the 
family, and entreated permission to stop all night. 
His request was complied with. Having now leisure 
to examine the exchange which had been forced upon 
him, on putting his hand into one of the pockets of 
the coat, he found ten guineas. 

Negro Slaves, and Savages. 

992. A carpenter on board a ship returning from 



S3 L 2 WIT IN LOW LIFE. 

the West Indies, having lost his saw, suspected ihe 
captain's Negro boy of having- stolen it. Mungo de- 
nied all knowledge of the affair, and in this dubious 
way the matter remained; when the carpenter one 
day exclaimed to a brother sailor, " This saw sticks 
in my gizzard." The boy instantly ran to his master, 
and joyfully cried out, " Massa, me glad, me glad, 
Massa ! carpenman find him saw. 1 '— " Ah, ha ! and 
where did he find it?' 7 — " Yes, massa ! indeed me tell 
no lie ; he say it stick in him gizzar." 

993. It is a custom among the Canadian Indians, 
that when one dreams that another has rendered him 
any service, the person dreamed of thinks it a duty 
to fulfil the dream if possible. A chief one morning 
came to the governor, Sir William Johnstone, and 
told him that he had last night dreamed that Sir Wil- 
liam had made him a present of the suit of regimen- 
tals he wore. The governor readily presented them 
to him ; but as the Indian was going out, ii Stop/' 
said Sir William, " I had almost forgot, but I 
dreamed about you last night; I dreamed that you 
gave me such a tract of land ;" describing a large 
tract. •" You shall have it," said he ; " but if you 
please, Sir William, we will not dream any more." 

Miscellaneous* 

994. A person going through Field-lane, cheapened 
a leg of mutton hanging up. The butcher told him 
it was eleven pence a pound. " What V said the 
other, u eleven pence a pound ! I could buy a new 
one for the same money in Fleet-market." 

995. When Mr. Wilkes was in the meridian of his 
popularity, a man in a porter-house, classing himself 
as an eminent literary character, was asked by one of 
his companions what right he had to assume such a 
title. " Sir," said he, " Fd have you to know, I had 



WIT IN LOW LIFE. 333 

the honour of chalking number 45 upon every door 
between Temple-bar and Hyde-park-corner." 

996. A low Frenchman bragged that the king had 
spoken to him : being asked what his majesty had 
said, he replied, " He bade me stand out of his way.'' 

997. A gentleman who employs a great number of 
hands in a manufactory in the west of England, in 
order to encourage his work-people in a due attend- 
ance at church on a late fast-day, told them, that if 
they went to church, they would receive their wages 
for that day in the same manner as if they had been 
at work ; upon which a deputation was appointed to 
acquaint their employer, that if he would pay them 
for over-hours, they would attend likewise at the me- 
thodist chapel in the evening. 

998. A person went to a scribe and desired him to 
write a letter for him ; but the other excused himself, 
having a sore foot. fc< - What has that to do with it?" 
said the man : " I don't want you to carry it." — 
" Perhaps not," replied he, u but when I write a let- 
ter for any one, I am always sent for to read it, as 
nobody else can make it out." This man, though an 
able decipherer, might with truth be called only a 
lame writer. 

999. A melting sermon being preached in a country 
church, all wept but one man ; on being asked why 
he did not cry with the rest, " Oh," said he, "7 belong 
to another parish" 

1000. Gun Jones, who had raised a handsome for- 
tune from a small beginning, happening to have some 
words with a person who had known him for some 
time, was asked, how he could have the impudence 
to give himself such airs to one who knew him seven 



334 WIT JN LOW LIFE. 

years ago, when he had hardly a rag to his back ? 
u You lie, sirrah," replied Jones ; u for seven years ago 
I had nothing but rags to my back." 



Errata. 

Page 182, after line 4 insert Dr. Reid. 

Page 237, line 3. The anecdote which stands No. 

696, was inserted by mistake— the following should 

have stood in its place. 

696. A volunteer corps chose for its captain a tai- 
lor, who on the first day of their appearing in full 
dress, frequently found fault with one of the men, 
and at length peremptorily ordered him to step out 
full thirty inches. — " I can't," replied the recruit. — % 
" Why V said the captain. — " Because, captain," 
bawled the man, " you have made my breeches too 

tight r 



APPENDIX. 



SELECTION OF PUNS. 

1. An English gentleman paying a visit in Breck- 
nockshire, went out a shooting, when he was rather 
rudely assailed by a proud Welsh squire, for sporting 
on his ground. u I have,' 7 said lie, " two little ma- 
nors, and you shall shoot on neither/' The English- 
man coolly replied, " I easily perceive sir, that you 
have too little manners" 

2. A noble lord who entertained his friends with ex- 
cellent claret, said he had sent a couple of hounds over 
to France, and got a hogshead of this wine for them. 
" Then/' said one of the companj^, " your lordship 
has it dog cheap.' 7 

3. " I have considered the matter twice," said a 
vintner to a democratic landlord, " and will now let 
you have the wine at your own price/'—" You do not 
express yourself correct!} 7 ," observed mine host affect- 
edly ; you should say, I have reconsidered ; when a 
thing is considered twice, it is reconsidered." — " Then 
I suppose," replied the other, " you have been twice 
a publican, for you certainly are now a republican" 

4. Two brothers of celebrity walking near Holy- 
well Mount, " Zounds!" cried the elder, " come 
away, your life's in danger : don't you see written up 
on a board — It is lawful to shoot rulbish here" 



336 puns. 

5. Old Dennis, the author of several plays, passing 
by a brandy-shop, the master came out, and desired 
the favour of him to drink a dram. " For what rea- 
son?' 7 said Dennis. " Because," said the master, 
" you are a dramatic poet." When Dennis had com- 
plied with the invitation, and was going to walk away, 
the master asked him to pay for it. Dennis surprised, 
said, " Did you not ask me to drink a dram, because 
I was a dramatic poet ?" — " Yes, sir," replied the 
master, "but I would not have asked you, had I 
thought you a dram at tick poet." 

6. A gentleman, well known for his facetiousness, 
was dining with a nobleman, and, as the company 
were talking of a voyage to India, some glasses of 
Cape were handed round the table. All the guests 
expressed their praises of its exquisite flavour, and 
wished much to have a second taste of it. When the 
gentleman found it was in vain to indulge this hope, 
he turned to the person who sat next him, and hap- 
pily alluding to the voyage to India, said, '"As we 
cannot doublt the Cape, suppose we go back to Ma- 
deira" 

7. A felon, who was just on the point of being 
turned off, asked the hangman if he had any mes- 
sage to send to the place where he was going. " I 
will trouble you with a line" replied the finisher of 
the law, placing the cord under his left ear. 

8. A certain reverend drone, in the country, preach- 
ing a very dull sermon to a congregation not used to 
him, many of them slunk out. of the church, one 
after another, before the sermon was nearly ended. 
" Truly," said a gentleman present, " this learned 
doctor has made a very moving discourse." 

9. The day that Mr. Atkinson stood in the pillory 
for perjury, the facetious Mr. Margray was asked by 



puns. 337 

a countryman, while he was standing at his door in 
Fleet-street, what made such crowds of people flock 
toward the city; to which he, with his usual humour, 
replied, " My friend, it is a collar-da.y at the corn- 
exchange/' 

10. A gentleman and his friend passing through the 
Old Bailey, soon after the institution of the new drop, 
were stopped by an immense crowd, and, on enquir- 
ing into the cause, were told that in a few minutes 
one Vowel was to be hanged. " I wonder what Vowel 
that can he," cried one of them. " It is neither U 
nor I" replied the other ; " so let us pass on." 

11. In company, a curious circumstance of a 
corpse in armour, with spurs on, being dug out of an 
old vault, was mentioned, and the persons present 
were conjecturing about trie mode of the death of the 
deceased. "I suppose/' said a wag, " the gentleman 
died of a galloping consumption." 

12. A man praising ale, said, that it was such an 
excellent drink, that though taken in great quantities 
it always made him fat. " 1 have seen it make you 
lean" replied the other. " When ?" inquired the 
eulogist. " Why, last night — upon your stick." 

13. Dr. , meeting some friends in the street, 

whose political opinions were democratical, asked 
them where they were going. They answered, " To 
dine at the King's Head." — " O, then I guess your 
dinner. You are going to have a chop, I suppose." 

14. A gentleman coming into a coffee-room one 
stormy night, said, he never saw such a wind in his 
life. " Saw a wind!" says another; " I never heard 
of such a thing as seeing a wind; pray what was it 
like?" — " Like?" answered the gentleman; " why it 
was like to have blown my hat oft." 

2 G 



338 puns. 

15. Jack Ketch being asked on what ground he 
claimed the clothes of those he hanged, he answered, 
u As their executor." 

16. In the campaign in Holland, a party marching 
through a very soft morass, was ordered to form two 
deep. u Why/' exclaimed a corporal, who had sunk 
in nearly up to the neck, " I am too deep here al- 
ready/' 

17. Three gentlemen supping at a tavern, one of 
them wished for partridges: a brace was brought, and 
he who had ordered them was requested to divide 
them ; which he accordingly did, by taking one to his 
own plate, and leaving the other for his friends. 
" Stop," cried one of them, " this is an unequal divi- 
sion." — " Not so," replied he; " there is one for you 
two, and one for me too." 

18. A gentleman shewing his friend his curiosities 
of pictures, &c. in his gallery, on the other's praising 
them all very much, he gave him his choice of any 
one of them as a present. The stranger fixed his 
election on a tablet, in which the ten commandments 
were written in letters of gold. " You must excuse 
me there,'' replied the gentleman : " those I am bound 
to keep" 

19. Concerning the late Earl of , who, when 

3 r oung, was remarkable for cajoling his creditors with 
a future pay-day, it was observed, by one of his 
friends, that it was a pity that fortune should neglect 
so promising a young gentleman. 

20. A person who r; sided in Pali-Mall, happening 
to spend an evening in the city, was asked in his turn 
for a song; v\hich he declined, alleging, that any 
attempt of his would give no entertainment. " I have 
heard him sing," says a gentleman, " and h« has an 



puns. 339 

excellent voice." — u Whatever be in that/* resumed 
the other, u as I am not a freeman, I have no voice 
in the city." * 

21. A thief, having stolen a cup out of a tavern, 
was pursued, and a great mob was raised around him, 
A bye-stander was asked what was the matter. 
" Nothing/ 7 replied he : " a poor fellow has only 
taken a cup too much." 

22. A merry, but poor man, being laughed at for 
wearing a short cloak, replied, M It will be long 
enough before I have done with it." 

23. When Swift was at his living in Laracor, a sale 
took place of a farmer's stock in the parish. The 
doctor chanced to walk past just as a pen Oi poultry 
had been put up. His celebrated clerk, Roger Cox, 
bid for them, and was overbid by a farmer named 
Hatch. " What, Roger, won't you bu\ the poultry? 7 ' 
exclaimed Swift. "No sir, 77 said Roger; " I see they 
are just going to Hatch" 

24. A tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster-shop as 
an appendage to his other establishment, was upbraid- 
ed by a neighbouring oyster-monger as being unge- 
nerous and selfish. The former replied, " And why 
would not you have me sell fish? 1 ' 

25. A lady reproving a gentleman during the late 
hard frost for swearing, advised him to leave it off, 
saying it was a very bad habit. " Tery true, 77 ma- 
dam, answered he ; '" but at present it is too cold to 
think of parting with any habit, be it ever so bad." 

26. When the Irish union was effected, Sir John 
Parnel's health was frequently drunk in genteel com- 
panies. Being one day, in a convivial party, he ob- 
served, jocularly, that by the union he had lost hi* 

2g2 



340 puns. 

bread and hitter. " Ah ! my dear sir," replied a gen- 
tleman, " never mind, for it is amply made up to you 
in toasts. 77 

27. A chandler having got some candles stolen, was 
told to be of good cheer, " for in a short time they 
will all come to light" 

28. In the year 1801 one of the clamourers against 
peace was enlarging on the disadvantage of it; but, 
at the same time, professing that he was no croaker. 
A wag who knew that an unsuccessful speculation 
was the real cause, denied the truth of this : — " For," 
said he, " you are not only a croaker, but an alley- 
croaker. 77 

29. A punster, being told that a friend of his, who 
was a very clumsy fellow, had distinguished himself 
in the management of a convivial company, replied, 
" No wonder, he was intended by nature to be a 
chairman" 

30. Mr. M- , master of the king's school, Can- 
terbury, being at a place where a gentleman express- 
ed great apprehensions on account of a bleeding he 
was next morning to undergo, by advice of his phy- 
sician; a punster, then present, told him, he would 
recommend him to employ that gentleman, (pointing 

to Mr. M *) who was a very fate and able flay- 

bottomist. 

31. Mrs. Wrighton being one day rather indisposed 
with a cold, her husband came into the parlour where 
she was practising an air for Vauxhall, and observing 
a phial of physic which she had before said she had 
taken, he flung it at her head with great fury. A gen- 
tleman in the neighbourhood, mentioning the cruelty 
of it some time afterwards to a friend, ne very drily 
observed — He could not see any great impropriety 



puns. 341 

in the affair ; Mrs. W. was singing, and Mr. W. only 
accompanied ber with the viol. 

PUNICAL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS. 

32. Q. What part of England has the most dogs ? 
A. Barhshire. 

33. Q. Who were the first mortgagers of land? 
A. The people of Cumberland. 

34. Q. From whence came the first tumblers? 
A. From Somerset. 

35. Q. What men in the world are the best sol- 
diers? A. Your red-haired men, because they al- 
ways carry their fire-locks on their shoulders. 

36. Q. Why should a man in debt be called a 
diver? A. Because he is dipped over head and ears. 

37. Q. Why were ladies of late well qualified for 
hunting? A. Because they came with a hoop and a 
hollow. 

38. Q. What part of the world is the best to feed 
dogs in ? A. Lap-land. 

39. Q. Why are the presbyterians, quakers, and 
others, said to be vermin? A. Because they are in- 
sects. 

40. Q. Where do the best corn-cutters live? A. 
At Leg-horn. 

41. A gentleman fond of playing the violin, was 
one morning practising, when his unele came in, and 
the following dialogue took place : 

Uncle. " i (ear Charles you lose a great deal of 
time with that fiddling." — Nephew. " Sir, 1 endea- 
vour to keep time." — Uncle. " You mean rather to 
Mil time" — Nephew. "No; I only beat time." 

42. A tradesman finding his circumstances irretriev- 
ably involved, put a period to his existence in the 

2 G 3 



342 puns. 

canal in Hyde-park. Two neighbours talking on 
the subject, one of them asked how he came to drown 
himself. The other answered, " Because he could 
not keep his head above water." 

43. A person meeting a friend, who had lately la- 
boured under a fit of the gout, inquired after his 
health, and was answered, " So, so." — " I am sorry 
you are no better," replied the gentleman ; " for I 
hoped you was recovered in to~to. v 

44. A person meeting a friend in Hyde-park, who 
had been in very distressed cireumstances, driving a 
set of dun-coloured horses in his phaeton, exclaimed, 
" My dear sir, I am glad to see you driving your duns 
before you.'' 

45. A countryman going into the office of the Com- 
mons, where the wills are kept, and gazing on the 
huge volumes on the shelves, asked if those were all 
hiblesl " No, sir/' answered one of the clerks, " they 
are testaments.'' 

46. A gentleman at the Rotunda, one evening, see- 
ing some wax fall from a chandelier on that part of a 
lady's dress, who sat next to him, not a great way 
from her bosom, immediately took out his watch, and 
clapped one of the seals upon it. " Bless me, sir," 
said the lady, " what are you doing?" — " Only trying 
to make an impression upon you, madam," replied he. 

47. A lady, who was very whimsical, had married 
a rich cheesemonger. A female friend said she was 

very glad of it, as now Miss might indulge in 

maggots without any expense. 

48. A very beautiful woman having the miniature 
picture of her ugly husband suspended on her breast, 
asked a gentleman whom he ^thought it like ? - " I 



puns. 343 

think/' said he, Cf it is like the Saracen's Head on 
Snow-kill." 

49. A bachelor having reeeh ed a present of a line 
hare, employed his barber, who plumed himself on 
being an excellent cook, to dress it for dinner for him- 
self and a couple of friends. It was, however, by no 
means done justice to, and the gentleman saying he 
had had it dressed by a very clever fellow, his barber, 
one of the guests said, ''He may be a very clever 
barber, but he is a very bad ^are-dresser/* 

50. A person who had been publicly horse-whipped, 
being asked by a friend, how he could suffer himself 
to be treated so like a cipher? " A cipher •!" replied 
the former, with the most composed gravity, " when 
did you ever see a cipher with so many strokes to it f 

51. When the attempt was made against the life of 
Buonaparte, by the explosion of the Infernal, Ma- 
dame Buonaparte was following her husband in ano- 
ther carriage, and the explosion took place between 
the two. A person being asked what the matter was, 
answered, " Nothing material ; only a blow-up be- 
tween the first consul and his wife.*' 

52. A gentleman returned from India, inquiring of 
a person respecting their common acquaintance, who 
had been hanged after he had left England, was told 
he was dead. " And did he continue in the grocery 
line?'' said the former. 4k Oh, no," replied the other, 
" he was quite in a different line when he died." 

53. A person once hearing a lady sing, who had a 
disagreeable breath, was asked how he liked it. " The 
voice is good," said he, " but the air is intolerable/' 

54. A wag, who pretended to have seen a ghost, was 
c osely cross-examined by the persons to w 7 homhe re- 



344 puns. 

1 ate d this marvellous story* Amidst various interro- 
gations to detect bis falsehood, one asked him, what 
the ghost said to him, u How should I understand," 
replied the narrator, " what he said, as you know I 
am not skilled in any of the dead languages. 

55. A man having deposited his treasure under a 
hedge, found, to his great sorrow, that it had been 
discovered and carried off. Relating his misfortune 
to a friend, the latter observed, " It is surprising you 
should have lost your money, when you placed it in 
the bank/ 7 

06. Two gentlemen wishing to go into a tavern on 
one of the national fast-days, found the door shut ; 
and on their knocking, the waiter told them from 
within, that his master would allow no one to enter 
during service on the fast-day. Wk Your master (said 
one of them) might be contented to fast himself, with- 
out r maliing his doors fast too. v 

57. A young man who lived by his wits, &sk day 

roasted an old avaricious put, who testily told hir^ lie 
deserved a check. u I hope (said the other) it will be 
on your banker." 

58. A conversation turned on actors travelling. 
Mr. Garrick and Mr. Kemble were mentioned as 
the only performers of note who had been abroad. 
An Irish young gentleman said he should suppose 

. Wewitzer had travelled much, as he had often heard 
of him in foreign parts. 

59. A gentleman offered another a pinch out of his 
box. which he said lie much regarded, it having been 
in his family for a hundred years. His friend thank- 
ing him, said, 4i I am not in the habit of taking snuff; 
but as a curiosity I must have a pinch cut of your 
cent'ry box."' 



puns* 345 

60. An elderly lady expressing her surprize at the 
present fashions, observed, that there was now no dis- 
play of dress, as .the custom of the present day only 
tended to show the shape, not to set off the attire, and 
wondered that the ladies should ever have relinquish- 
ed their former habiliments of whalebone hoops and 
stiff brocade, for muslin dresses like tinder. A gen- 
tleman remarked, this was probably done to catch the 
sparks. 

61. A gentleman who was dining with another, 
praised very much the meat, and asked who was the 
butcher ? — " His name is Addison." — " Addison T 
echoed the guest, " pray, is he any relation to [the 
poet?' 7 — " In all probability he is, for he seldom ap- 
pears without his steel (Steele) by his side." 

62. A person who had just taken a house in a 
country town, purchased a loaf of a neighbouring 
baker, which proved very brown and indifferent bread ; 
upon inquiring about it, he was informed it was 
household bread. u That may be," he replied, u but 
never again shall my house-hold it." 

63. A person called upon a comb-maker, who was 
then at work, to let him know he was drawn for the 
militia. " 1 don't care,'' answered the comb-maker, 
" I am too young for service." — " Too young, and 
about thirty ! What do you mean V — " No matter 
for that," rejoined the comb-maker, "I can swear 
that I am now cutting my teeth." 

64. Three gentlemen being at a tavern, whose 
names were Strange, More, and Wright; said the 
last, " There is but one cuckold in company, and that 
is Strange." — " Yes/' answered Strange, " there is 
one More." — " Aye," said More, " that is Wright. \ 

65. A dispute arising in a public house between 



346 puns, 

two men respecting a point of law, they agreed to refer 
it to a third, who recommended them to the decision 
of the landlord, who he said was no doubt well 
versed in those matters, having been long employed 
at the bar. 

66. A person one day meeting a pedantic friend, 
asked him how he did. The scholar said, " If I an- 
swer you in Latin I am sic, sic — if in English, so, so" 
" Well done/' replied the wit, " that I think is a 
good so so sort of a pun/' 

67. A joke cannot have a happier effect than to 
dispel ill-humour and make a friend. Such was the 
result of ail accidental meeting a stranger and a 
crusty old gentleman, who as he was riding, his horse 
made an odd kind of a motion with his fore-feet, so 
as to kick forward. " This action of your horse,*' 
cried the stranger, " is quite new to me : many a 
horse I have seen, but I never saw a horse kick be- 

fore." The old gentleman was so tickled with the 
pun, that he invited the stranger to dinner, and ever 
after made him a welcome guest. 

68. A gentleman, very moderate at home, was 
sure whenever he rode out to call on any of his 
friends, to come home intoxicated. His lady one day 
remonstrating on this bad habit, he answered, 4C My 
dear, it is only my riding habit. 17 

69. A gentleman, who had had several wives, paid 
his addresses to a widow lady at Bath ; and it being 
remarked that he was a great duellist, " Then,'' said 
Derrick, the Master of the Ceremonies there, " the 
match will be the more a propos, for the lady has 
killed her man/ 9 

70. When the Prince of Orange came to England, 
at the time of the Revolution, five of the serai 



puns. 347 

bishops who Lad been sent to the Tower declared in 
his favour, and the two others would not conform to 
his measures. When Dryden heard of this, he said, 
" that seven golden candlesticks had been sent to the 
Tower to be assayed, said Jive of them proved to be 
prince's metal" 

71. La Lande, the eminent astronomer, during the 
most perilous times of the French Revolution, con- 
fined himself closely to the pursuits of his favourite 
science. When he was asked to what happy cause 
he was indebted for escaping the fury of Robespierre, 
lie jocosely answered, u I may thank my stars for my 
preservation." 

72. Dining one day with a gentleman whose beer 
was better hopped than malted, the gentleman asked 
Heywood, the poet, how he liked his beer ? " By the 
faith of my body!' 7 said he, "it very well hopped; 
but if it had hopped a little further, it had hopped 
into the water/' 

73. When Heywood saw a gentleman riding, with 
a lady of doubtful character behind him, he said, 
" Truly, sir, I should say that your horse was over- 
loaded, if I did not perceive that the lady you carry 
is very light," 

74. Daniel Purcell was a very determined non- 
juror. He told a friend of his, that when King 
George I. landed at Greenwich he had a full view of 
him. " Then," said his friend, " you know him by 
sight." — " Yes," replied Purcell, " 1 think I know 
him, but I cannot swear to him." 

75. The famous Dr. Galloway, so remarkable for 
his surprising cures in the veterinary line, passing 
along the street, a young man called after him, u Dr. 
Horse, Dr. Horse f at which ihQ Doctor turning 



348 puns. 

round, said, " Is it me you waut? my name is not 
Horse, but Galloway." — " And pray/' replied the 
wag-, " what mighty difference is there between a 
horse and a galloway V 7 

76. In a bookseller's catalogue lately appeared the 
following article : — " Memoirs of Charles the First, 
with a head capitally executed. 7 ' 

77. A gentleman speaking of Lord Henry Petty's 
proposed tax on iron, observed, that as it had raised 
so many objections it would be better to lay it on 
coals. " No," said his friend, " that would be jump- 
ing out of the frying-pan into the fire. 

78/ Caleb Whitford, of punning memory, once ob- 
serving a young lady very earnestly at work, knotting 
fringe for a petticoat, asked her what she was doing* 
" Knotting, sir/* replied she. — ■" Pray, Mr. Whitford, 
can you knot V — " I can-not, madam," answered he. 

79. A gentleman complained to old Bannister that 
some malicious person had cut oif his horse's tail, 
which, as he meant to sell him, would be a great 
drawback. " Then," said Charles, " you must sell 
him wholesale/ 7 — " Wholesale !" says the other, 
" how so?' 7 — " Because you cannot re-tail him/ 7 

80. The same parties going into a shop where there 
was a large collection of philosophical apparatus, and 
among the rest an electrical eel. " What sort of pie 
would that eel make, Charles ?" said the gentleman. 
— " A shocking one/' replied the punster. 

81. A gentleman observed one day to Mr. Henry 
Erskine, who is a great punster, that punning is the 
lowest sort of wit. " It is so," answered he, fct and 
therefore the foundation of all wit." 



puns. 349 

8*2. Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, was de- 
sired one night in company to make a pun extem- 
pore, "Upon what subject?*' said Daniel. " The 
King," answered the other, " Oh, sir," said he, " the 
• is no subject." 



83. It was wittily said of a great calumniator, and a 
frequenter of other persons' tables, that he never opened 
his mouth but at another man's expense. 

84. A poacher was carried before a magistrate, 
upon a charge of killing game unlawfully in a noble- 
man's park, where he was caught in the fact. Being 
asked what he had to say in his defence, and what 
proof he could bring to support it, he replied, " -May- 
it please your worship, I know and confess that I 
was found in his lordship's park, as the witness has 
told you ; but I can bring the whole parish to prove, 
that, for the last thirty years, this has been my 
?nanner." 

85. When Baron Nieuman w r as once playing at 
cards in a large company, he was guilty of an odd 
trick ; on which the company, in the warmth of their 
resentment, threw him out of the window of a one 
pair of stairs room, where they had been playing. 
The baron, meeting Foote some time after, was 
loudly complaining of this usage, and asked what he 
should do. "Do?" says the wit ; "why, never play 
so high again." 

86. When the tax was imposed on watches, Prince 
Hoare, with his usual sprightliuess, observed that the 
most prevalent case among watchmakers was sha- 
green. 

87. Doctor King, Archbishop of Dublin, having in- 
vited several persons of distinction to dine with him, 
had, amongst a great variety of dishes, a fine leg of 

2 H 



350 puns. 

mutton and caper sauce ; but the doctor, who was not 
fond of butter, and remarkable for preferring a trench- 
er to a plate, had some of the above mentioned 
pickles preserved dry for his use ; which, as he was 
mincing, he called aloud to one of the company to 
observe him : — " I here present you, my lord/' said 
he, " with a sight that may henceforward serve you to 
talk of as something curious, viz. That you saw an 
archbishop of Dublin, at 87 years of age, cut capers 
upon a trencher." 

88. Mr. Caleb Whitefoord, on the late Lord 
Kenyon's being appointed lord lieutenant of Flint, 
said the appointment was perfectly natural, as his lord- 
ship was so apt to strike fire. 

89. Ned Shuter, one day standing at a green-stall 
in Bow-street, was accosted by a shabby man, who 
asked him for charity, declaring he had not a shoe 
to his foot. Ned immediately presented him with 
part of his purchase at the first fruit-stall, adding, 
" that if he had not a shoe to his foot he was now 
presented to a pear" 

90. When Signora GalLi, at the age of seventy-five, 
performed at an Oratorio in 1796, and on account of 
her age, and what she had been, was received with 
considerable applause, eld Caleb Whitefoord ob- 
served, it was not at all surprising, as the public are 
obliged to take any sort of notes now ? 

91. " The watch and clock tax has set all the wit- 
lings going/' said Jack Bannister ; " but they have 
not yet been wound up to a striking pun." 

92. The bishop of Litchfield, and Coventry, de- 
clared, one day, that the punishment used in schools 
did not make boys a whit better, or more tracta- 
ble : a nobleman in company insisted that whipping 



puns. 351 

was of the utmost service, for every one must allow 
It made a boy smcwt. 

93. Wewitzer, having given orders to his tailor for 
a spencer, asked how much it would cost. " I can- 
not/' answered Snip, " say exactly ; but to you, be 
assured, sir, it will come very low" — " Then," said the 
wit, " it will not be a spencer" 

94. During the poll at Westminster, in the year 
1784, a dead cat being thrown on the hustings, one of 
Sir Cecil Wray's party observed that it stunk worse 
than a fox ; to which Mr. Fox replied — There was. 
nothing extraordinary in that, considering it was a 
poll-cat. 

95. Bannister met a theatrical friend, who asked him 
when he would come and dine with him. " What 
will you give me for dinner V* said Bannister. — 
" Why," replied the other, "you shall have eggs and 
bacon.* — " Then," said Bannister, " I had better 
come on a Fry-day?' 

i)6. Lord Pembroke, who was a remarkable pun- 
ster, during his viceroyship of Ireland, attached 
himself to Swift, from a conformity of disposition and 
talent. One day being at the castle, when a learned 
physician was reading a long dissertation to his ex- 
cellency, on the nature and quality of bees, in which 
he frequently denominated them, " a nation and com- 
monwealth/' — " Yes, my lord,'' said Swift, " they 
are a very ancient nation, indeed ; for you know, Moses 
takes notice of them ; and numbers the Hiviies among 
those nations which Joshua was appointed to con- 
quer." 

97. A short time before Mr. Garnerin ascended into 
the atmosphere with his balloon, a countryman asked 
Mr. Cumberland if there was any truth in the report, 



352 puns. 

that a man was going to fly into the air? " Why 
truly, my friend," replied the veteran bard, " I can- 
not justly inform you : for it is a rule with me, never 
to give credit to imflammatory rumours and flying re- 
ports. 1 * 

98. Foote having a demand made on him for a 
debt, principal and interest, answered, it was not his 
interest to pay the principal, nor his principle to pay 
the interest. 

99. " That great overgrown baby, the French fleet/' 
said Prince Hoare, some years ago, " is so helpless, 
that Bonaparte finds himself still obliged to keep her 
at Brest:' 

100. As a finale to this choice collection, we present 
the courteous reader with the following string of echo 
puns, surpassing all others. It is taken from a very 
scarce work, published in the reign of James I. This 
precious morceau has been often printed in a very in- 
correct and imperfect manner : — we now present it in 
its original beauty. 

A divine, willing to play more with words, than to 
be serious in the expounding of his text, spake thus 
in one part of his sermon: — " This -dy all shewes we 
must die all; yet, notwithstanding, all houses are 
turned into ale-houses; our cares are turned into 
cates ; our paradise into a pair of dice ; our marriage, 
into a merrry age ; our matrimony, into a matter of 
money ; our divines, into dry vines. It was not so in 
the days of Noah, Ah noV 



THE END. 



J. F. Dovf., Printer, St. John's Square. 



NOV 



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